Yesterday was a holiday used to honor a man that used his words to spread peace, equality, and love. Tonight, we use our words to destroy each other internally and then everyone will laugh with evil hatred in their hearts… and love. It’s a rare night for Roast Battle, featuring a lot of female battlers and a ton of guy-on-girl verbal violence. Let the gender wars begin!
Our judges tonight will be Jeff Ross, Candice Thompson, and Eleanor Kerrigan. These talented legends are sure to blow your mind. Seriously. Wear a helmet. Let’s get into who’s signing up to sell their souls to Lucifer in the name of comedy!
Our first of two guy-on-guy battles is Andrew Deacon facing off against Ryan Green.
These two guys look like they met in a Birdwatcher’s club. They’re both from Oklahoma so you KNOW they’re good comedians. Ryan looks like an extra from Heavy Weights or the manager of a Pottery Barn. I don’t know this dude but somehow I know he jiggles when he jerks off and he does it with his index finger and thumb. I feel for him because I feel like he even gets benched on his bowling team.
Andrew doesn’t look like a proud boy… he looks like a proud man. He reminds me of a folk singer who poetically and secretly writes songs about how he likes kids. Like, Mumford and shunned for taking pictures at playgrounds. He reminds me of Mr. Clean if he couldn’t keep himself clean. It looks like Andrew’s mom got pregnant by sitting on a spitoon. It’s tons of fun versus Tons of Anarchy. Will they be as flat and boring as Oklahoma or will these cowboys lasso us in?
Our next battle is a girl on girl! It’s Deirdre Devlin facing Ellory Smith.
I don’t know either of these mega hotties but they seem like bad ass word warriors to me. I feel like these two met in a self help section of a hipster bookstore or when they accidentally took each other’s lattes at Starbucks. This photo of Deidre screams nodding out in a dumpster somewhere but her face reminds me of an even more retarded Renee Zellweger. It seems like those freckles are not the only time God took a shit on her. Ellory looks like she masturbates to the healing power of crystals. Did these two write some killer jokes or were they busy re-writing their bios on Seeking Arrangements?
Our next battle sets up our theme of male versus female! It’s Angel Pitts and Cole Alexander.
It’s Fat Albert’s lesbian cousin against Brock Turner if he was too dumb and poor to make it into Stanford. You might recognize Angel as the darked out character that was getting peed on in Surviving R Kelly. Cole looks like the first guy that paid for that video. His overall energy can only be described as a Dave Chappelle impression of a white person. Will these two prepubescent teens ever find love? Who cares! As long as they find hate.
Continuing with our theme, it’s Ruben Bugayong versus Afrodyete.
It’s Diana Crack Rocks versus Michael Spick. Alright, if you thought “wow, thats super racist”.. welcome to the world of Roast Battle! Also, you can’t get mad at me. This guy totally looks like he runs an underground dog fighting rink and then makes taco meat out of the loser dog. Loser Dog was also his prison name. When I googled Afrodyete, Google said “Did you mean the loudest black woman in any room?” That’s the one! She looks like a manager. Of a meth den. Or a nudist roller rink in the 70s. The last time these two got into a verbal tussle was in line at the EBT office. Is this Michael Clarke Duncan in drag? Does this man own a Filipino Barber Shop?!
Our final undercard is Alex Gettlin against Rebecca Rush.
I’m fairly certain both of these creepy characters have smooched a swoll pole for roles.. as extras.
This dude looks like the guy that watches me from my bedroom window. Wait a minute… this is TOTALLY the guy that watches me from my bedroom window! Is he holding up a drink he just roofied? Rebecca is a New York comic who looks like a Disney princess that exclusively works at methadone clinics. These two obviously met when Alex picked up her up off her usual street corner and paid her to accompany him to a Nickelback concert. Listening to “How You Remind Me” once is enough to drive any person mad. These two have been doing comedy a while and have battled a few times in the past so it seems like a promising match.
Our first main event is between two Roast Battle mainstays: Isaac Hirsch versus Caesar Lizardo.
Both of these guys are ranked and proven competitors. Caesar can be described as if the air horn noise was a person and Isaac can be described as someone who’s never heard an air horn sound.
Our second main event promises hilarity! It’s Bryan Vokey going up against Jeanne Whitney.
The last time these two went head to head, it was over who gets the last PBR at their trailer park. Jeanne Whitney is one of the toughest chicks in roast battle and we’re all stoked to see her back in the ring fighting 2017 Rookie of the Year winner Bryan Vokey. Bryan also won the last Roast Battle tournament in March of last year. He looks like he’ll stop fighting the system when his step dad agrees to fight him. Jeanne looks like a middle school art teacher that eats the paste when the kids aren’t looking. She reminds me of the kind of woman that says grace before she eats a dick with her pinkies out. Who will win?! Find out tonight!!