by Keith Carey
Roast Nation, rejoice! Halloween may be over, but the Comedy
Store is still full of monsters, and tonight they’ll be throwing down in yet
another super-stuffed night of fights. There’s plenty of mayhem on the docket
for tonight, so even the most bloodthirsty savage will have their appetites
sated by this week’s offerings. Let’s get into it and get to know tonight’s firing squad.
Erik Griffin takes a break from razzin’ the Workaholics gang
to sit in on the judges panel. He’s joined by alleged “celebrity” Michael
Kosta, who has judged many times and is always a welcome presence on the panel.
Comedy icon/propaganda cartoon of a Jew Moshe Kasher brings his insight and
razor-sharp wit to the Belly Room as well. Rounding out the panel – literally – is Guy Branum, who graciously bestowed the title of “big fat faggot” to me at
the Hammer Museum during the pop-up Roast Battle. I will carry the torch with
pride, you sexy, sexy walrus.
Our first undercard of the night pits Emily Fleming against
Jesus. This looks like Matt’s on trial and is being shown a
picture of the woman he “allegedly” murdered with an ice pick. I’m not terribly
familiar with these two, but we’ll see what kind of fire they bring to the
Next up, Joe Eurell takes on Jacob Trimmer!
Sitcom idea: Jacob gets kicked out of a Buffalo Wild Wings
for sexually harassing a waitress, and now he’s stuck doing community service
by helping Joe go to the bathroom. Joe is a fan favorite at Roast Battle, and
has overcome tremendous adversity: trouble holding the microphone, a voice that
sounds like a bag of drowning cats, stairs. Jacob is a new addition to the
show, but with a recent victory over Andrew Pupa and a quick rebound to fight a
seasoned battler, he’s got his eyes on the prize, and could be the next Orange County
kid to make good in the Roast Battle arena.
After that, the King of Burbank faces the Ayatollah of Long
Beach as Robbie Goodwin scraps with Nick Petrillo!
Robbie, pictured here as his internal computer is trying to
process the human emotion known as “joy”, has been a quiet force building steam
in the ring, but has yet to face an opponent that will bring the best out of
him. Nick Petrillo has had one of the most turbulent Roast Battle careers of
any comedian in the game, ranging from a blistering two-round main event
destruction of Tim Groeschel to a brutal beat-down by top 20 battler Anna
Valenzuela, and everything in between. Both of these guys are very talented,
and this could be the night they get their big pop.
We’ve got Ramon Hernandez trading blows with Alfred Konuwa!
Ramon is a cholo who goes to comic book conventions, meaning
I will for sure be calling him “Obi Juan Kenobi” for the rest of my life. He’s
a funny dude, and only time will tell if it translates to battle. Alfred has
consistently been charming and likable, as well as armed with some pretty
savage jokes. However, he faces Roast Battle’s greatest hurdle: being black.
Black dudes have the biggest handicap in the game, which is saying something
since I’m pretty sure Joe Eurell has no bones. Still, that trend is slowly
reversing, and maybe tonight will be Alfred’s chance to be the Martin Luther
King of the Ring.
Next up, Zane Pond and Caesar Lizardo get dirt-nasty!
Zane is a true original, in that he is the only gay man with
zero fashion sense. If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if you took
a pair of gator shoes, pleated khakis, and a neon football jersey and threw
them on the bloated corpse of an inbred French prince from the 14th
century, strap the fuck in! Caesar Lizardo is a man so unlikable he was nearly
banned from the Store before saving his cred with a thorough beat-down of
Courtney Banks. Will this battle be loud and filled with unjustifiable swagger?
Absolutely. Will it be good? Maybe!
After that, Nicole Becannon laces up her gloves against
This one’s got a ton of potential. Both of these battlers
have shown tremendous chops very recently. Nicole Becannon is coming off an
instant-classic undercard against Leah Lamarr and a shocking upset over Roast
Battle legend Dan Nolan, and her fierce and clever writing is belied by her
permanent sleepy-time heroin eyes. Bryan Vokey, seen here looking for some
explanation as to why God would make his face look like that, came onto the
scene swinging with a brutal beat-down of Ken Garr. Don’t miss this one.
Our final undercard pits Jesus Trejo against Nate Craig!
Fun fact: Trejo is Spanish for “Urkel.” Jesus is an
old-timer here at Roast Battle. It’s been a long time since he battled last,
but given that his final performance was a takedown of the Golden Pony himself,
Jesus is clearly not to be fucked with. Nate Craig’s comedy is as good as this
picture of his mouth is bad. It’s unsettling. He looks like the Joker going in
to a job interview. Regardless, Nate’s got impressive chops, and these two
could rock the room in a big bad way.
Tonight’s main event is a battle of Duck Face vs. Fuck Face
as Jeanne Whitney goes three rounds with Lindsey Jennings.
Jeanne makes her return looking for a big win. She’s come to
play with respectable performances in the past, including a victory over Top 20
veteran Tom Goss, but she’s still searching for the fight that will propel her
to the next level. Her genuinely likable demeanor and laid-back vibe contrast
nicely with her incisive cruelty on the mic, and she is absolutely one to keep
an eye on. Her jokes are as sharp as that gnarly hatchet of a chin. Lindsey
Jennings is a regular fixture, battling very quickly after her loss to Dan
Nolan. She’s Patient Zero for HPV and an impatient zero at Roast Battle.
Lindsey’s stock has been slowly rising for quite some time, and seems to be
reaching critical mass. While her first couple fights left quite a bit to be
desired in the joke writing department, each performance since has been an
improvement over the last, and with a packed dance card and a thirst for blood,
she’s quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with. Let’s hope these ladies
bring their “A” game and close out this big ass night in a big ass way.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.