Tuesday night was a night of high highs and low lows. After the presumably homeless man that sleeps at the Comedy Store danced around the room in drag to Tina Turner’s “Rolling on the River (Proud Mary),” the energy in the room is alive. If you were in that room, you felt the electricity. Moses remarks how all of the judges have had a show cancelled and everyone shares a laugh when Josh Adam Meyers arrives late because he “came from an AA meeting.” After some shared laughs between Moses and the judges, the battles begin!
First up to the stage is William Montgomery. This guy is like the Blarney Stone, except nobody wants to smooch him. Sam Brilhart comes booming to the stage holding a folder clearly labeled “Case File” on it. He starts going on about how William is a monster. Maybe his punchlines were also hiding under the bed.
“Yo. So, check this out. William likes to hang out with mall Santas after they get off of work. Which means he’s going to become one some day. He’s planning for his future. AS A MALL SANTA!”
If there is one thing we’ve learned here is that yelling words don’t actually make them jokes. William says he would be a mall Santa at K-Mart and Sam corrects him that K-mart don’t hire mall Santa. The entire audience seems to all think in unison: “Lord, beer me the strength.” But then, right out of left field, something strange happens.
“Sam is new to comedy but is used to killing. Unarmed black men from fifteen feet away.”
The room explodes.
“Yeah. Fifteen feet. Is all I can see with my contacts in. Thank you very much William, for bringing up that I wear glasses also. Dick.”
I’m not sure what this was supposed to be, but I know that it wasn’t.
“Look. William hasn’t been on a beer run since yesterday. William hasn’t been on a real run since high school!”
Nothing. Sam then slaps William on his belly with his “Case File”. The room likes this, but they don’t love it.
“Sam looks like the rapist on the UCB House Team. How do you put your victims to sleep? Your act?”
“I don’t do Improv. Pssh. Whatever. Hey look, check it out. William likes to steal pennies from homeless people behind the dumpster at KFC. Because he’s poor!”
Coach Tea plays “Take a Bow” by Rihanna. Specifically the line, “You look so dumb right now.” The room ignites.
“Sam’s dream is to be on SNL, but after watching his sketches on Youtube, my dream is that Sam ends up like his younger brother: lifeless in the bottom of a pool.”
Sam starts yelling things that make no sense after William’s joke and the bell chimes that signifies the end of the battle. Moses remarks how he likes how Sam said “I don’t do Improv. Pssh. Whatever”, officially making Moses the only person in the room that liked something Sam said. One of the judges remarks how with the sweatshirt tied around his waist, William looks like he just got his period. William got the bigger pops by a landslide and the crowd votes in his favor. Moses lifts his arm up, consummating the win.
Moving right along, the next battle seems to be a Depends commercial. Steven Alan Green is brought up first and when asked why he is battling Jennifer, he simply says, “Nothing better to do but stay home and have a wank.” Brian then brings Jennifer up to the stage and asks her why she is battling Steven. Her response begins:
“I’ve known Steven so long, I remember when he was still being supported by his mother and his mother is dead. The only thing that funds him now is GoFundMe and I guarantee you now if you laugh at any of his jokes, he’ll ask you for money! MONEY! –”
This goes on for so long that the Jeopardy music begins playing in everyone’s brains and they tune out. After what feels like the longest set up ever, there is absolutely no pay off whatsoever. Hey, what do you call a “comedian” with no jokes? Jennifer Vally, who volunteers to go first.
“Steven, you look like a maître D’ at a Catskills NAMBLA convention.”
“Jennifer’s last name is Vally. Which really makes sense because traffic to her cunt is backed up to the 405.”
“He makes fun of the Valley. But, uh, you can park your house on both sides of the Valley if you know what I’m talking about. Your car.”
There are echoes of “what?” from around the room, which is actually just audience members swimming through a sea of confusion.
“He lives in his car! He can park–”
Steven now interrupts her incoherent babbling.
“Let’s pray. Let’s pray for Jennifer that she gets her soul back. Keep going, Jennifer. Is that it?”
“No no no.”
“Oh, you’re improvising. Well, I could be at home having a wank.”
The audience laughs at the trainwreck on stage.
“Steven, even though he is very poor, is used to the good life. He has champagne taste on a collect beer bottles for money budget.”
“When you arrive at the Comedy Store, let me know. This is boring, frankly. I have better things to do. Like going home, reading some Chaucer, and having a wank.”
The audience is loving this arrogant British character Steven has taken on and his apparent addiction to masturbating.
“Jennifer is of Dutch decent. Which is convenient because if she wants to put her finger in a dyke, all she has to do is unzip her fly.”
“Steven’s life seems shitty. He doesn’t have any money. He lives in his car. But there is some synergy in his life. Finally your credit score and your weight are the same number.”
Steven does a lot of antagonizing during her joke.
“That was good. I can sell that joke, if you like, to a comedian. Jennifer is the reason they stopped serving wine at PTA meetings.”
The judges start chipping away at what they thought of the battle. Tess Barker chimes in with “Even bangs won’t make a Catskills reference look young.” Jennifer asks “Oh, I thought the bangs were working.” and Barker says, “No, they’re working. The jokes weren’t.”
The battle was incredibly wordy by both battlers. Short, quick, and to the point will usually do it at Roast Battle. The audience gives it to Steven and his overall cunty vibe.
Next up, Moses brings up Julian and then Mark. Mark is brought up to what I can only describe as the “doing it” music of carnies.
When asked why they are battling each other, it is inside baseball after inside baseball. They both reference other comedians that only the comics standing in the back understand. Even then, that is only if they know how Mark and his best friend are. Julian goes first.
“Mark’s nickname is ‘The Shark’ because he is also classified as a predator.”
“Julian has a very supportive mother. Every time he hits on a woman, she’s right there offering to sell them roses.”
“Mark, you Bostonian Garbage Pail Kid. You look like the toughest manager at a Bowling Alley.”
“That’s really good coming from a guy that looks like The Rock with too many rolls. Oh God, that greasy ass fucking haircut of yours. That thing looks more bacon wrapped than the hot dogs you’re gonna sell outside after the show.”
“Mark is always the loudest person in a room. The only people that are louder than Mark are the women that tell him ‘NO!’.
“Julian will never get on the Comedy Store wall, but I guarantee you he’ll find a way to climb over it.”
Moses comes up to the stage and just remarks,“You can tell Mark is from Boston because all of that was racist.”
It is pretty evenly split so the battle goes to OT. Julian goes first.
“Sexual assault isn’t funny. If it was, Mark would suck at it.”
“Julian has a man bun and a bun in the oven.”
The judges tear into the two for a while. Ahamed Weinberg says Mark looks like he will “give you a good deal on a BMW.”
Julian gets the bigger audience vote and takes the W over The Shark.
Our last undercard of the evening is Dylan Sullivan and Lou Misiano.
Lou takes the stage first with overt cockiness, a staple of any great fuckboy turned fuck-man. He immediately takes a seat on the stool where he continues the entire battle from. This stool sitting maneuver has never worked successfully in the past. The judges lay into the blatant display of machismo. Weinberg points out that Lou looks like he peaked at prom. Moses then brings up “the very big, the very white, the very gay Dylan Sullivan.” When asked why Dylan is battling Lou, he says “Let’s see if the man weighs out to the suit.” The only way this joke would be a bigger flop from Dylan is if it were a belly flop. He takes a sweat rag out and starts dabbing his face. The audience eats it up. Lou volunteers to go first.
“Dylan, I’m not gonna say you look like the kid from Up, because you look like the balloons from Up.”
“Oh, little little Lou in his big big suit. Lou loves fucking black women…systemically. Seriously, why are you dressed like you’re trying to steal jazz music from black people?”
Dylan gets two HUGE pops in his first technical first joke. They are quite possibly the two biggest laughs this room has seen all night.
“Oh, big big Dylan and his big big body. Dylan’s boyfriend is an industrial engineer. His most difficult project has been designing a bed that can hold them both.”
“Yeah, I’m gay, but you look like Satan’s wedding planner. In all seriousness, Lou is a gentlemen. He’s such a gentlemen, ladies, he’ll even hold the trunk door open for you.”
“Dylan comes from a very conservative household and their faith has been tested this year. Dylan is gay, his father has cancer, and I bet their family wishes more than anything that there was a cure. For Dylan.”
“We all kill our fathers in the end, don’t we? Lou smears pussy juice under his nose so he can smell like himself all day.”
This was everything you’d want from a perfect battle. The judges weigh in.
“I don’t know if that’s a beard that Dylan has or if he just fell asleep in a bag of Cheetos again.” – Barbara Gray
“Lou had good jokes even though he looks like Neo if he decided to take the date rape pill. I though Dylan had better jokes even though he looks like the after photo of Lou’s career.” – Ahamed Weinberg
The judges and the audience unanimously give it to Dylan so he takes the win (and all of his sweat) with him.
Brian takes a moment to bring the audience’s attention to Grammy nominated producer, Coach Tea, in the back. Always killing it with quick hands, perfect timing, and perfect song selections.
Finally: the main event! Moses brings up Caesar first and when asked why he is battling Armando, he says, “We better hurry this up. Lenny over here has to get home and pet some rabbits to death.” Armando comes jubilantly lumbering to the stage like a Mexican Hagrid and when asked why he is battling Caesar he says “This is the closest I’ll come to yelling at my own dad. You never loved me Caesar!” Moses makes comments about how both Armando and Caesar are dating white women! Dear white women: WHAT are you THINKING? Armando goes first.
“You may not be able to tell by looking at him, but Caesar is half-Dominican and half-vape juice.
“Everyone give it up for Fat Alberto. Armando is a hacky ass comic that used to be homeless. His jokes are like his house. Recycled material.”
“Hey man, I know I’m fat. I’ve been fat since childbirth. I’m sorry you can’t understand the concept of a father affording food. He’s got a baby. A dying, skinny baby.”
“You’re the one that looks poor up here, but whatever Nacho Homeless. You look like a hipster terrorist but the only thing you blow up are bathroom stalls.”
“Caesar is a big fan of the Dodgers. Dodging immigration, child support, taxes, all of them.”
“That was terrible, man.”
“You are the expert.”
“Armando is Mexican and Jewish so it makes sense that all of his jokes are cheap and lazy.”
“That’s fair. I am Jewish and Caesar’s daughter still lives with her failed rapper father. So, it looks like both of us aren’t getting presents from Santa this year.”
Caesar launches into how he takes his daughter to Disneyland.
“Give it up for Bill Burrito over here. Armando is so broke he can never afford a Halloween costume so every year he just takes his shirt off and goes as Pumbaa.”
The room decides to take turns reciting lines from Hakuna Matata.
“Caesar is the first in his family to knock up a white woman. The rest of them stuck to jabs and uppercuts.”
“Armando and I are both spiritual but believe in different things. I believe in reincarnation. He believes in Carne Asada.”
“Caesar is a bartender. His signature cocktail is a rum and coke and roofie and take her home and take advantage of her and wake up next to her and feel bad about it and live with a dark coating over your soul for the rest of your life and every time you look in your daughter’s eyes, you’ll know that you hurt a woman just like her. On the rocks.”
“For a guy talking about rape, you really invaded my space there.”
Caesar now messes up his joke and the room agrees that he can re-tell the joke he fumbled as a freebie and still get another joke.
“Armando’s uncle was killed in a drive-by. Now, he honors his memory every day by killing drive-thrus. Like Moses said, we both date white chicks. The only difference in my relationship is that the girl was the pregnant one.”
Armando takes home the win thus sending Caesar back to his child with nothing to show for it. Another great main event and another great night of battles. See you next week!