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by Richie Gaines

Ladies and gentlemen, strap on your electric shock collars
because tonight is going to be epic. We have the full range of battles on the
card from virgins, to porn stars, to alcoholics – it’s about to get wild. On
the firing squad tonight is Ian Abramson,
Nick Youssef, Leah Kayajanian, Ari Shaffir, and
The Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross.
Leah fought her way to a spot on the Comedy
Central Roast Battle finals this season and is a Belly Room favorite. Nick is also a
regular at the Comedy Store and Roast Battle. Ari is always one of our favorite
judges. He really can cut to the core of a battler with that Biblical honesty.
Of course there’s Jeff…how many different write ups about Jeff Ross can one
write to make clear that he is one of the cores that holds this show together? He is the name most associated with roasting in our culture (who’s still
living). The most interesting judge is definitely Ian Abramson. Ian is known
for his show “7 Minutes in Purgatory,” where comics do seven minutes in a
separate room and our filmed to a live audience in another room. He also
notoriously wore a shock collar on Conan and
had an audience member shock him on live television if that audience member
didn’t like the joke he told. Ian could very well be a verbal assassin, but I’m
hoping he’ll be more of that manipulative, troll style of judge where he gets
idiots to do things we never thought possible. Tonight is going to be fun!

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First up, Branden Kfoury versus Corbin Wilson. Both these guys have never battled before and hail from Orange County. If you know anything about Roast Battle history, this is a good thing. What is it about Orange County that breeds that mean style of funny? I think there’s a correlation between dry heat, molestation, and funny. A substantial number of comics I’ve met from the OC have been molested.  We’ll see if the theory holds true tonight – but I don’t know if Branden or Corbin have been molested, so they may not be a good sample. 

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Second battle of the night, we have Daniel Moquin versus Danny Williams. Roast Battle is about the only thing these two take virgin. These boys are known for both their comedy successes and their drinking problems. Daniel and Danny’s drinking is only a problem, however, if you hate fun. If they don’t master the Roast Battle style of joke writing on their first go-round, these two good friends, on stage together, will make it entertaining at the very least. Anyone who knows these guys is excited for this one.

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Then we’ve got pornstar Silvia Saige versus comedian Chris Cope. Chris has been on Kimmel and won the Big Sky Comedy Festival, and Silvia probably won an AVN award at some point, so this should be a nail biter! I’m just messing around. Silvia is all over the West Hollywood comedy scene. She has become quite the Comedy Store rat this past year. The only time I’ve seen Silvia on stage she was showing her boobs – but it killed! I’ve only seen her kill! 

Then Eric Abbenante takes on Victor Martinez Jr. Both these
guys have battle experience. Both have won and lost in the past. Eric has had some success against some pretty good
battlers. He’s one of those newer comics who just seemed to understand how the show
works from his first time out, even if he doesn’t crush all the time. He’ll only get better. Victor
sometimes isn’t sure what will play in the Belly Room. He notoriously had the
joke, “Gerard, you’re a retard,” if my memory serves
correctly. Who’s to say what the worst joke in Roast Battle history is? Maybe we’ll see it tonight!

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Next on the card tonight is Juan Cias versus Ezekiel Echevarria. In this battle of people Trump would like to see deported, Juan has the upper hand. This undertaker is undefeated thus far. Ezekiel is relatively new to Roast Battle, but he still has time to show himself as a new threat in the ring. Or he may just wind up being just another thing for Juan to body bag.

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The undercards finish up with our beloved member of the Wave, Haiti, versus Joe Eurell. Haiti has not had much success when he actually steps in the ring to battle. We watch him flex his muscles every Tuesday, but he’ll have to flex his joke writing to take down Joe. Joe is coming off a close battle against Sarah Keller and an impressive win against fellow cripple Danielle Perez. This could be Haiti’s moment to show that he’s more than just a guy known in the scene that makes woman uncomfortable, but even with that draw against Sarah, Joe has been killing it. Joe is evolving in every battle and only getting better. 

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In the main event, Omid Singh looks to put an end to Albert
Escobedo’s perfect Roast Battle record. Even though the numbers are on Albert’s
side the Roast Battle community views Omid as a stronger battler. Albert needs
a win to get into the top 10 and prove to everyone that his record isn’t just
an inflated number due to taking on weak battlers. Everyone has to start somewhere,
but even when Albert had won six and seven battles in a row, people of Omid’s
status in the show would still not battle him. It took Albert breaking Kim Cogdon’s
and Ashley Barnhill’s record for most wins without a defeat. Though Albert is
usually a down-the-middle battler, he may be playing with a chip on his
shoulder tonight. As always, I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m gay, let’s roast!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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