It was a packed house this past Tuesday for an epic night of battles. At Roast Battle we know there’s no better way to prep for going home for the holidays than with some verbal violence. It was an overflowing VIP section with judges Ramon Rivas, Kelly Kursten, Jasmin Leigh and Jeff Ross.
First up to be sacrificed was virgin battler Kyle Anderson taking on Billy Anderson. Kyle boldly chooses to take the first shot.
“One of Billy Anderson’s old roommates killed herself, so, at least we know one person watched his special.”
“Of course you’d make fun of suicide the only depression you understand is what your fat feet make in the ground, so ah.”
“Coming from a guy who looks like he hides roofies at the end of a rainbow.”
“Real rich coming from my before picture. Kyle actually did ballet as a child but he didn’t have any choice in it, when you’re that fat every shirt fits like a, like a, oh shit.”
At this point Billy gives up on the joke when he couldn’t get the punchline out on the first try, the very supportive crowd starts chanting for him to say it again, he obliges:
“Hey guys did you know Kyle did ballet as a child? When you’re that fat every shirt fits like a leotard.”
“That’s awesome coming from a guy who dresses like Tig Notaro.”
“And you look like a guy who jerks off to My Little Pony.”
“When Billy discovered his roommate’s dead body it actually took him 3 days, which makes sense. If you’ve ever seen his stand-up, you’d know his timing is terrible.”
“Kyle’s brother is gay, but he’s not gay sexually. It was the only way that he could find something to eat that Kyle wouldn’t.”
They both have a really strong first joke. Billy’s “depression” comeback makes the room explode, but then they both falter and lose some momentum with their second jokes. Kyle ends stronger than Billy, but Billy has some bigger pops with his comebacks, although his last joke isn’t much of a joke. The firing squad weighs in and they unanimously give it to Billy. The audience agrees and Billy takes another W.
Next up, Julian Fernandez takes on Kelly McInerney. Moses brings them both to the stage and Kelly takes the chance to throw in a pre-battle jab at Julian recently coming out as non-binary:
“I might fuck up the pronouns but that’s not because I don’t respect non binary people, I just don’t respect Julian.”
She earns a good pop. Julian volunteers to go first.
“Kelly’s the kind of person who would get herself kidnapped just so she won’t be alone.”
“Julian is the first genderfluid person to transition into the Hawaiian Punch guy.”
“Thank you, Cindy Lou Who Gives a Fuck. Kelly told me that in 5 years, she’d like to either be dead or successful. So keep an eye out for those funeral invites.”
“Julian actually tried to kill himself three times, it would have been four, but he doesn’t listen to his own podcast.”
“Thank you Macaulay Culkin in drag. I’m non-binary, but you look like if Owen Wilson identified as a woman. When Kelly cums she just goes (Owen Wilson impression) ‘Oh Wow!’”
“Julian you like George Zimmerman if after he shot Trayvon Martin, he ate him.”
Overall, it’s a great battle. Julian’s first joke is great, but doesn’t get the audience reaction it maybe deserved. I think the audience was tentative to react until they heard what Kelly had, and when they saw she came with heavy punches too, they were ready to laugh at both of them. Kelly’s first joke hits so hard that the laughter rolls on and on. They both have solid jokes and comebacks, with Julian’s “Macaulay Culkin in drag” joke bringing the room to its feet.
It should be pointed out that not only were Julian’s comebacks hilarious and spot on, they were always fucking seasonal, which is impressive.
Ramon and Kelly compliment Julian’s Macaulay Culkin joke, but ultimately give it to Kelly for coming out strong and staying strong to the end. Jasmin takes a jab at Julian for not dressing well and he hits her with “Thank you Tiffany Hackish”. The judges weigh in and agree that Julian’s Macaulay Culkin joke was great, but it wasn’t enough to beat Kelly’s fire first two jokes. Kelly takes another W.
Next up we have Evan Cassidy versus Anthony Davis. Evan wants to go first.
“Anthony looks like he teaches cooking classes using recipes from the book Mein Kampf.”
This joke falls completely flat which prompts Evan to follow up with:
“You guys big fans of the book?”
Anthony takes this opportunity to throw in a self-deprecating off-the-cuff retort that the audience loves:
“No, you’re just making it seem like I can read. Evan looks like he’s petitioning for the legalization of meth.”
“You might recognize Anthony from every video of a dude getting knocked out at a Denny’s.”
“I do love Denny’s though, oh my God. Evan, I swear to god, you look like if Jeffrey Dahmer only ate free range people.”
“Anthony’s career started in North Carolina – and it will end on GoFundMe.com.”
“All I need now is friends. Cass’s life is just like the Joker movie: He’s a comedian, he has an imaginary black girlfriend and he’s the only person that laughs at his jokes. The only difference he’ll never be on TV.”
Evan faced an uphill battle after a completely disastrous first joke, which, for the record, I thought deserved a little more than the crickets the audience gave him. Anthony comes out swinging hard, pairing well-written jokes with an adorable self-deprecation that immediately endears him to the audience. Evan has a good pop with the GoFundMe joke, but it wasn’t enough to pass up the sizable lead Anthony had already garnered. The final nail in the coffin for Evan was Anthony’s Joker joke, in which he managed to include 3 different, solid burns into one well-written joke without it feeling wordy or forced. Once again the judges are unanimous in their decision: Anthony is the winner. The audience agrees again, and Anthony takes another Roast Battle win.
The last undercard of the night features Roast Battle OG Greg Roque taking on newcomer Sarah Fatemi. Greg called out Sarah, and when asked why, he says:
“Well I was supposed to battle the funnier Persian but Omid is in Canada.”
“Greg, I love how you save your funny shit for the battle.” – Jeff Ross
“Greg, when is your baby due?” – Jasmin Leigh
Jasmin’s comment opens the floodgates for Greg to hilariously come after another judge, like he did in the legendary back-and-forth with Tony Hinchcliffe.
“I don’t know much about babies, but I know you can’t deliver.”
The audience absolutely explodes with cheers, whistles, laughter and excited “oohhhssss!!” Greg was already heavily favored in this battle, and he’s starting off with a commanding lead. In a moment of chivalry, he volunteers to go first.
“Sarah recently lost a lot of weight, because she decided to shave.”
“Thank you, Brokeback Mexican.”
“Thank you, Sideshow Kebab.”
“Greg, you’re Mexican and disabled. It must suck changing your diaper because all you eat are beans and cheese. You put the “wet” in wetback because you’re constantly sitting in your own shit.”
“Anyway, back to jokes. Sarah is a 27-year-old Muslim virgin, so the only time you’ll see her wet and gagging is when she’s waterboarded.”
“Yeah, my hymen is as thick as those craters on your face. Greg, you’re Mexican and white passing. You’re like Louis CK, except Louis CK can clearly still jerk himself off.”
“Despite Sarah being a virgin, you can find Sarah‘s nudes online. She’s completely naked… and running away from the Marines who bombed her village.”
“You can rearrange your nerve endings, but you can’t rearrange your jokes? Greg’s dating a Jewish girl with a nice big Jew-fro. That’s the only part of her body that will ever curl because Greg could never make her cum.”
Another great battle! Sarah is clearly the underdog in this battle. She’s barely a year into battling, while Greg has been a member of the Roast Battle elite pretty much since the beginning of his time on the show. Sarah has a rough start with the “wetback” joke, but came back stronger toward the end. The Louis CK joke has a nice pop and her final joke gets a strong audience reaction as well. She’s learning with every battle and continues to improve. Her last joke could have been written differently to be more concise and then it would have hit even harder. Greg’s years of experience were really highlighted in this battle. He comes out firing at everyone and continued with sniper-like precision with each expertly written joke. That “Sideshow Kebab” retort was fucking brilliant. He falters a little with his last joke, but only because everything else was a home run. Kelly says it was one of her favorite battles and compliments both of them, but gives it to Greg. Ramon says Greg came out swinging and landed a haymaker with each joke and gives it to Greg. Jasmin mimics those sentiments. Jeff compliments them both, gives Sarah the advice to have a little more fun on stage, and agrees with the other judges that Greg is the clear winner. Greg continues his path of destruction and takes another well-deserved win.
It’s finally time for the main event featuring Alice Hamilton taking on the biggest dick in Roast Battle, Zach Stein. Zach comes to the stage wearing a bright yellow dashiki and carrying a book which he then hands to Moses.
“Brian, can you hold my copy of ‘Roots’ for me? Please don’t damage it, it’s a very important text.”
That paired with the ridiculousness of his cultural appropriation makes the audience lose it, and Zach has earned early favor before the battle even begins. Alice boldly volunteers to go first.
“You’re such a stoner misogynist, the only thing you like more than taking acid, is throwing it at women.”
“Alice has huge cans. Anyway, on to my joke. Last year Alice divorced her 400 pound white husband. She refers to fucking him as feeling the weight of oppression.”
“My ex is fat. Your ex is on Comedy Central cause she’s funnier than you. Zach looks like he calls boobs ‘honkers’.”
“I thought it was clear I call them ‘cans’. Hey Alice, do the curtains match the drapes? I’m just trying to figure out why you never wear pants…”
This joke falls flat and Zach has to scramble to try and explain it, which is always good for comedy, everyone knows a joke is best when it needs to be explained.
“Because it would be so big she can’t zip them up!”
“Zach frequents prostitutes. Hey Zach, do they still make you pay if all you do is cry about your mom?”
“Yes, and for the full hour too. Alice’s racist parents beat her every day with wooden sticks, thus proving that you can beat the black off someone. Alright, you’re all going to pretend she doesn’t look like someone colored in a white person?”
“Thank you Julia Louis Drunkass. Zach dropped out of law school to become a shitty alcoholic comic instead of finishing his degree to become a shitty alcoholic lawyer.”
“Hey, I dropped out of pre-law. Don’t give me too much credit. Last night, I found some weave in my bed.”
At this point Zach pulls one long, very disgusting looking hair extension out of his pocket and continues:
“I don’t know how many of these you’ll need, but I figure it’s a start.”
“Zach has done blackface twice, and both times it was a massive improvement.”
“Black excellence baby! Alice’s abuse got so bad, that at age 7, Alice tried to commit suicide with a knife through the heart. At age 7! She survived, thank God… for those giant cans.”
“Oh. My. God. That was a lot.” – Moses
“This has been an intense night, a lot going on up there.” – Jeff Ross
Jasmin reluctantly gives it to Zach, after mentioning several times how much she wanted Alice to win. Ramon compliments Zach for leaning into his role as the villain, and gives Alice credit for her well-crafted jokes, but gives it to Zach. Kelly says Zach was a little heavy on the tit jokes, adding a jab:
“Zach I think the only chicks you’ll ever pull have ‘Foster Farms’ on the label.”
Ultimately she gives the win to Zach.
All the judges mention Zach’s inappropriate jokes, but this is Roast Battle, where inappropriate hilarity is the name of the game. Jeff says he was laughing so hard at their jokes he can’t read his own handwriting.
At this point there’s a disturbance in the audience, and from the crowd emerges the Big Daddy of roast battle himself, Earl Skakel. Upon seeing him the audience and VIP section go wild, Earl hasn’t been in the belly room in months, and he’s clearly here for a reason tonight. Donning his signature leather jacket which is open to his bare chest underneath, he’s in full Earl mode. He comes to the stage and grabs the mic, challenging Jeremy Piven – who’s sitting in the VIP section – to a Roast Battle next week. Piven grabs the mic and throws in a few jabs, but doesn’t agree to a battle. There’s a back and forth that turns a bit contentious, all the while poor Alice and Zach are left standing on the stage awaiting their judgement. Jeremy says he’ll battle Earl right now in the parking lot, which prompts Earl to drop the mic and head outside. However, Jeff stops Jeremy from leaving the VIP section and turns it back to the battlers on stage. After a quick scoring recap it’s unanmously given to Zach.
It’s a night of definitive matches and unprecedented drama. Tune in next week to see what happens in this crazy circus.