With a well-attended room even despite the holidays, Danny Williams and Troy Dillinger face off in the first of the evening’s undercard bouts. Without much to it worth reporting, the spectacularly unprepared Danny Williams still only barely lost to Troy Dillinger with a handful of half-cooked ideas he put together while getting drunk in his car just twenty minutes earlier.
With that said, it’s difficult to decide who should be more ashamed of their performance, as neither performer’s jokes even necessitate transcription here. There’s a protracted period of deliberation from our VIP panel over who was less bad, and ultimately the crowd gives a very slight edge to Troy Dillinger, earning him a first Roast Battle win.
Josh Waldron and Paul Elia are up next, bringing much more to the table than their predecessors.
“This looks like a cloning experiment where they tried to isolate the gay gene.” – Saudi Prince
Waldron volunteers to go first and the night kicks off with its first watchable battle.
“Paul looks like if you don’t buy the cologne he’s selling, he’ll use it to chloroform you.”
“Josh looks like he licks his fingers after he cums.”
Paul goes for a cum-licking act out here that is well received.
“Thank you, Matthew McConaugh-hate-crime. Paul’s brothers are a doctor and a lawyer and he’s just a comedian. He’s really putting the ‘least’ in ‘Middle Eastern.’”
“Josh, your father loving you and the back of your hair have one thing in common: they’re both fairy tales.”
“Paul just got a part on the show ‘Lady Dynamite.’ He almost didn’t get the part because he kept trying to strap the dynamite to his chest.”
“Josh is 30 years old and he doesn’t have a car or any money. If suicide isn’t on the table, it’s cuz he doesn’t own a table.”
Altogether this fight is a lot of fun, as it is with any bout where the two battlers are good friends who respect each other and seem to enjoy the jokes. Josh put in a strong showing but the support of both the judges and the crowd go pretty definitively to Paul Elia, scoring him a first recorded win in the Roast Battle arena.
Paige Wesley and Danielle Perez take to the stage next in an all-time classic matchup. Both battlers have spent the past year or so becoming two of Roast Battle’s most entertaining competitors.
“This is like escalator vs. ramp” – Frank Castillo
“Can we just wait six months and have a double-wheelchair battle?” – Alex Hooper
With that, Danielle Perez takes the opportunity to lead out.
“Paige looks like the girlfriend of every guy whose type is ‘burlesque dancer.’”
“Danielle’s so desperate, one time she let the city of San Francisco run a train on her.”
“Paige, you have feet but can’t see them. So it’s kind of like you lost yours too.”
“I may be fat, but Danielle, you look like you got kicked out of the Special Olympics for testing positive for pork rinds.”
Danielle begins her next joke with a quick rebuttal that’s immediately overcome by Paige.
“Thank you, Lady Foot Lacker.”
The room explodes. As overdone as the “Thank you, ___” format can be at times, once in a while, someone comes along and just absolutely kills it, likely dooming us to six more months of far shittier puns. Nevertheless, it’s easily worth it as the room takes nearly a full minute to recover from laughter at the dead-on burn.
“Paige has asthma, which means both her lungs and pussy struggle for air.”
“Danielle’s favorite sex position is the first floor.”
Through it all, Danielle Perez never misses a joke, but it’s Paige Wesley’s night, far and away. To crush an opponent who’s doing poorly is one thing, but with Danielle still spitting fire at every turn and Paige still able to come out on top in every exchange was truly a remarkable performance. Saudi Prince sums it up:
“As much as I love Queen No-feeta, I’m going to have to give it to Milton from ‘Office Space.’ I’m just trying to figure out what size burka I’d need to cover them. I’m guessing California King.” – Saudi Prince
Closing out the evening is a wild card matchup between Joe Eurell and Jamar Neighbors. Pat Barker assesses the situation.
“I’m just excited to see the two types of crips go at it.” – Pat Barker
Joe Eurell tells Moses the origins of the battle.
“He called me out, but honestly, I thought this was an arm wrestling match.”
And with that, we’re ready for a fight, with Jamar Neighbors taking the first swing.
“I like Joe, you gotta give him props on his joke writing skills. I mean he wrote his jokes with a back-scratcher.”
“Jamar only mocks my crooked arm because it reminds him of his sickle-cell.”
“You wasn’t saying that when I ran into you at the grocery store and you asked me to get them napkins off the top shelf. Hey man, you’ll figure comedy out as soon as you stop using your wheelchair as a crutch.”
“Thank you, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cocoa Butter. A lot of people say Jamar is a hack who reads off paper, but not me. I know Jamar’s illiterate.”
“Joe’s adopted because his biological parents are retarded too. They got caught throwing him in the blue recycling bin because that’s where they thought handicapped trash went.”
“Thank you, Jerrod Bought-Your-Carmichael. Speaking of family, Jamar’s next TV credit will be an episode of Unsolved Mysteries about who his father is.”
“You’re like a deluxe retard package. You got beat up limbs. Your voice sound like a dog that just learned to speak English, and you’re in a wheelchair. This motherfucker has several palsies.”
“Yeah, I have CP, you don’t even have your GED. Jamar’s name means ‘beautiful pond’ but looking at him it’s more like an oil spill.”
“Look at his Payless shoes. No, I get it. You couldn’t go to FootAction.”
“My roommate bought these shoes, your roommate is Jerrod Carmichael, so without our roommates, neither one of us would be where we are.”
Despite the FootAction joke from Jamar falling flat, as he wasn’t in the room to hear the Foot Lacker joke just before it, the battle is otherwise everything you’d want with strong performances and writing on both sides. Jamar does take the edge in the end with his three-part “several palsies” joke taking a lot of credit for the win.
With the 2018 tournament set to start in two weeks, we should hopefully be seeing a lot more nights like this past week with newer talent rising to the challenge and some incredibly interesting matchups. We’ll be back next week to close out 2017.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.