by Keith Carey

It’s going to be a crazy-pants week at Roast Battle at the
World Famous Comedy Store. One of the show’s regular fixtures is making his
battle debut, one of the members of the Report staff sets out for redemption,
and one of the show’s original titans comes out of retirement to square off
against a top-tier fighter of today. Let’s get into it!

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Presiding over the bloodshed will be two of our favorite
judges, Eddie Ifft and Mike Lawrence. Despite having a last name that looks like
how you would spell the sound of a muffled fart, Eddie Ifft is a comedy
powerhouse, and in previous at-bats as a judge he has proven to be as
insightful as he is hilarious. Mike Lawrence is one of the most recognizable
names in Roast Battle, having taken the first championship in Montreal last
year, and consistently devastating the room, either as a judge or as a battler.
His stand-up’s not half bad either, and if you haven’t listened to his album
“Sadamantium” you are doing yourself a disservice.

The first undercard of the night pits Eric Abbenante against
Katrina Davis! 

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If you watch the Periscope, you may have seen Eric get
beaten by a guy in a wheelchair, and if you watch the news, you may have seen
someone who looks like Katrina get beaten by the police. In between curating
her afro to “Pam Grier stunt double” levels, Katrina made a big splash in a
debut performance against Lauren Davis. While she didn’t come out the winner,
she was on point all the way through, and expectations are high for her return
to the ring.

Next up, Darran Davis takes on Scott Kidd!

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Darran, pictured here posing for his new job as spokesman
for a racist fast food company from the 50’s, is a regular fixture on the LA open
mic scene. He’ll be tussling with Scott Kidd, who looks like the asshole who
works at the record store who makes you not want to shop there because you just
want to buy a Green Day record and he’s like, “You call THIS music?” and then he
spends twenty minutes trying to convince you Frank Zappa is great. I realize that
is very specific, but his face triggered that memory and now I have to go back
to Amoeba and face my fears. I’M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANY MORE, GREG! 

In the three spot, Pat Regan puts down the guitar and gets
nasty with Joe McAvoy!

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When I saw this fight on the roster, I thought it must have
been a misprint. But after confirming several times, it would appear that Pat
Regan, who regularly warms up the crowd with his musical stylings and is fresh
off of a temporary ban from the show, will finally be stepping into the ring.
While many people assumed Pat’s eventual battle debut would come against
bandmate/Wave alumnus Jeremiah Watkins, he has instead chosen to take on Joe
McAvoy. Joe, seen here shortly before telling a surly teenager that they’re
grounded, has made quite an impression with his avant-garde, anti-joke style of
battling. This one could go either way, but it will definitely be uncomfortable
and memorable.

We reach the halfway point as Zach Stein throws blows with
Blake Lawless!

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Zach Stein has made a huge impact at Roast Battle. Not via
his jokes, which has been pretty lame, but via his now legendarily huge penis.
Every judge and hater who’s seen him fight has pointed out the insane outline
of a monstrous hog in his (I assume intentionally) tight pants. He’s got
something big in his pocket, but unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be a
joke-book. I can’t speak to the talent or penis size of Blake Lawless, but he
looks confident and I like his shirt, so there’s that, I guess. 

Our final undercard is a showdown between Bryan Vokey and
Jesse Villacis!

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This has the potential to be the fight of the night. Bryan
Vokey has impressed the Roast Battle crowd with great showings against
battle-tested vets, and his writing is as sharp as his face is upsetting. Jesse
Villacis looks like he’s always about to be arrested for shoplifting, but the
only thing he’s stolen is the heart of the Los Angeles comedy scene. His
casual, muttering delivery belies a very clever writer and performer. These are
two of my favorite comics to watch in general, and I can’t wait to see them get
rough with one another.

In the first of the night’s two main events, Tony Bartolone
gets uncomfortably close to Galina Rivina!

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Tony has had a fascinating Roast Battle career. He came out
big with a couple of decisive wins, culminating in a legendary battle with
Quentin Moscaritolo. However, as his profile rose, so did his unfortunate
penchant for putting theatrics and character-work over joke-writing, which led
to his catastrophic defeat at the hands of Albert Escobedo. He’s been on a
losing streak but is looking to crawl out of the proverbial (and literal) trash
can to reclaim his former glory, and nothing makes Tony work harder than being
backed into a corner. He faces one of his toughest opponents yet in Galina
Rivina. Galina has shone multiple times, and seems primed to find the big fight
that puts her on the map as a Roast Battle star. Will tonight be her night? Or
will the garbage man take her to the curb?

Closing out the night is the whitest fight of all time as
Connor McSpadden battles Rich Slaton!

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Jesus, look at these two douchebags. The winner gets control
of the Vans store. Rich Slaton was one of Roast Battle’s earliest destroyers,
racking up big wins and helping to establish the show during its Wild West
period. In recent months, Rich has been dormant, claiming retirement with the
exception of a couple of stellar exhibition matches over the past year and a
half. However, tonight he takes the stage against Connor McSpadden, a man who
some would argue is the best Roast Battler in the game. Connor’s taken on some
of the biggest names in the game and very few have had what it takes to stop
him. He’s been on a bit of a streak lately, racking up impressive battles
against Toby Muresianu and Pat Barker (and also whatever the hell happened with
him and J.P. McDade). It’s old-school versus new kid tonight. Bring your
ponchos; there’s going to be blood.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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