There’s a concept in pro wrestling of babyfaces and heels. It’s simple to understand, a babyface is a good guy and a heel is a bad guy. Where it starts to get more complicated is when a face makes a heel turn (good guy becomes a bad guy) or when a performer rides the line (like a good guy who acts bad). For example, Stone Cold Steve Austin was a babyface who behaved like a heel, and he is arguably the most popular wrestler of all time. The difference between Roast Battle and wrestling is that is not pre-determined, so it’s harder to predict. It’s mostly just a bunch of mentally ill comedians trying to funny enough for Comedy Central, without thinking too much about strategy or ring psychology. But it’s that unpredictability that makes the show fun to watch every single week. Let’s Roast!
The first battle is a half virgin sacrifice featuring John-Philippe Johnson and Mike Fellows. The best moments of this battle are when the two competitors go off the cuff. Like when John-Philippe makes fun of Mike Fellows for fumbling his first joke. Or when John-Philippe bombed his second joke about Mike’s dad having cancer, and Mike said JP’s joke had terminal cancer. John-Philippe Johnson wins over the crowd with his ad-libs and adds a win under his belt, which is a tight squeeze. Overall it’s not a great battle, but better luck next time, gentleman.
After a round of stand up, Mike Lawrence, Esther Ku and Adam Hunter assemble to judge the rest of the night’s competition beginning with Mike Gamms versus Christina Marie Leonard.
“That is the creepiest looking imaginary friend I’ve ever seen. Hey, it’s Give Head Fred.” – Mike Lawrence
Most of the jokes in this one bomb, and Mike Gamms talks shit on Iliza Shlesinger and Flappers Comedy Club. Mike comes off like such an entitled cunt, even though his Flappers joke hits the crowd chants for Haiti. It’s ruled as a double loss.
“I think the loser of the battle is Mike’s parents.” – Adam Hunter
“You kinda hope there’s a suicide note in the fanny pack.” – Mike Lawrence
Our next battle sees Andy Ruther going one-on-one with Matty Goldberg. Mike Lawrence makes Andy go first, and we’re off:
“Matty Goldberg is what happens when a Make-A-Wish victim doesn’t die.”
“Andy, first of all, thank you for putting down the tiki torch for being here tonight. That wasn’t my first joke. Is Dane Cook here tonight? I am still mad at Dane Cook for that fucking show Tourgasm ’cause when that show came out every frat boy motherfucker shit stain decided to do stand up comedy. And grace themselves with their shitty tinder and Taco Bell shitting jokes. Dane Cook, you are responsible for this.”
“Matty Goldberg is so Jewish when he enters the kitchen his oven automatically turns on.”
“Let’s get to know Andy Ruther a little better. This is a man who once live tweeted a Tinder date and slut-shamed a girl all night. This is a man who once tweeted ‘Boston College beat Howard in football 70 to nothing. I guess to Boston College black lives didn’t matter.’ But there was no internet outrage proving that social justice warriors only go after you when you have a career.”
“Matty looks like a poor man’s Rick Moranis.”
“Thank you for doing one of my jokes.”
“Hold on, I’m not done. Hold on, I’m not done. Matty looks like a poor man’s Rick Moranis. You can see him staring in “Honey, I Shrunk Everything But My Teeth.”
“This is my last joke. And I just want to let all you guys know I believe in God, I believe in destiny and I believe in fate. Four years ago Andy Ruther decided to go to Eric Andre’s birthday party, a very successful comedian. At that party he mingled with other successful comedians like Adam Devine. Later that night he found himself in Downtown in LA, and he managed to get his head kicked in, beaten, left almost for dead. At that moment God was saying, “Comedy isn’t for you, bro.”
“I wish you were in “Honey, I Shrunk the Jokes.” – Adam Hunter
“I think this one goes to Eugene Levy’s aborted fetus.” – Esther Ku
Andy is clearly the heel here. Even Andy’s tweet got groans. Despite his long, drawn-out jokes, Matty Goldberg is awarded the win by audience vote. But he does not take the win gracefully and makes a classic heel turn.
“Can I say one thing? I love this guy and he was hysterical tonight and we’re all winners. And judges can suck my dick.” – Matty Goldberg
The Saudi Prince shows up, and immediately shows he’s not shying away from hot button issues.
“I’m here because they wouldn’t let me party in Charlottesville, man. Fuckers… We got the same point of view on shit. Just a different color.”
Our next undercard features Tony Alfano locking horns with April Lotshaw.
April Lotshaw returns to the Belly Room stage after a yearlong absence. She reveals that she has been in a psych ward, which is considered hacky at this point from OC Roast Battle comics. We’re glad to have her back and anxious to see if she’s in battle shape. Tony volunteers to start:
“April doesn’t have acne scars, her herpes are just terrified of her vagina.”
“Tony’s a high school drop out, he puts the GED in Get ’er Done.”
“If April’s pussy lips hung any lower, they would get tangled up in her self-esteem.”
“Tony doesn’t like to put labels like ‘date’ on his rape.”
These two came ready to fucking fight. They are delivering short, mean, personal jokes coming from an honest place, showing all the hacks and posers how this shit is done. They both have great jokes, April’s got the edge, but it all comes down to the last joke:
“April is tightly wound and abrasive, just like the rope she’s probably gonna hang herself with.”
“Tony and his wife got wedding ring tattoos and they still cost three weeks of his income.”
That last joke is so good it made me believe in true love again.
“It was Carrie versus the pig whose blood she gets covered in.” – Mike Lawrence
Tony Alfano does his best work in quite a while, but April Lotshaw fires straight hate bullets and takes him out. Tony took the place of the heel in this match, albeit a likable one, a heel is a heel is a heel. April isn’t pretty enough for me to resent her so she was all babyface, albeit a scarred and bumpy face. She should not only be proud, but confident moving forward as a comic. She maybe crazy by society’s impossible standards, but she’s also smart, funny and cute enough to be on TV. Look out world, April is coming.
The next bout pits Tim McGorry against Todd Walker. Tim insists that Todd go first, and Todd doesn’t seem to mind.
“Tim, you’re so white trash you have a face only a mother can love and a penis only your sister will suck.”
“Alright, D-Gentrification X.”
“Thank you, Musinex Monster.”
“Thank you, Topher Disgrace, alright. Todd’s always smiling all the time. You kinda look like, uhh… oh my god, I fucked this up. Oh my god. Todd’s smiling all the time, he looks a lot like Pete Davidson’s dad didn’t die in 9/11.”
“I would’ve forgotten that joke too.” – Mike Lawrence
“Tim, your body is so oily and greasy, I feel like republicans are always trying to drill you in the ass.”
“Good stuff. Todd’s half Thai and half white. This guy really loves tiki torches. Nothing!”
“Tim, your hands are so black and dirty, I don’t know if you work as a miner or if you just like to fuck minors.”
“Solid stuff. Todd, you’re an extremely generic person. Umm… You’re like if a Volkswagen Jetta made a wish and became a real boy.”
Todd has one dud, but does way better than Tim. While there are many other factors, in Roast Battle the bad guy is always the guy who bombs, and I’m not talking about the Saudi Prince. Tim becomes the heel by having consistent misfires.
“This looks like a fight you’d see in a GameStop break room.” – Mike Lawrence
“Tim, that was really embarrassing. You couldn’t even remember your joke. You should’ve practiced in the mirror or something. But if I looked like you, I’d get why you wouldn’t.” – Esther Ku
“When she’s done talking can I hire her for a massage?” – Saudi Prince
“Todd looks like the son of Harold and Kumar.” – Esther Ku
“See, she gave us a happy ending.” – Mike Lawrence
Todd takes the win without much of a challenge.
Next up, Heather Marulli seeks to wage war on Paige Wesley. In the past, Heather has been a pretty hard heel. Although she started as a babyface with her annihilation of Ernie Stone, she made a pretty quick heel turn and has never quite lived up to her performance in that match. Paige, on the hand, has been a face pretty much her entire run, with a menace in her eye that says she can make a turn any moment.
Coach Tea plays Heather up to Rick James’ “Brick House”, and Moses poses the question he asks every, single battle that’s blown much too often by amateur battlers:
“Why are you battling?”
Heather flippantly replies:
“Honestly, I’m just honored to be battling somebody fatter than me.”
Coach Tea is clearly having fun tonight, as he plays Paige up to the Snoop and Ludacris classic, “Hoes in My Room.” And to quote DJ Snoopadelic himself, “Who in the hell let them booger bears out they cell?” Who let these hoes in the Belly Room? Interesting that it’s called the Belly Room when there is currently no belly room onstage. Heather suggests Paige go first, she complies and kicks it off:
“If you say Heather’s name into a mirror three times, she’s just glad some one’s talking about her.”
“Thank you, Game of Scones. Paige and I are both Italian, you can tell from my name and that Paige is shaped like a dented can of Chef Boyardee.”
“Thank you Doughy Kardashian. Heather doesn’t like Tinder because she’s too afraid of getting cat fished or poached for her ivory.”
“Thank you Danny DeVito in Batman Returns. Paige, you look like your favorite sex toy is a chocolate éclair.”
“Those are strong words coming from somebody who looks like they douche with rosé. Heather has the fiery laugh of her Latin ancestors and the body of the donkey that brought them here.”
“I don’t wanna call Paige trash, but the only time she’ll ever get picked up is on garbage day by two Mexicans.”
Both have stellar moments as well as consistent hits. If I had to give the edge to anybody it would go to Heather for calling Paige Tim Burton’s Penguin. Mike Lawrence suggests the battle go to sudden death and crowd agrees with a chant of “Sudden Death! Sudden Death!” Heather starts this time:
“Paige is upset that her boyfriend bought a machete, but to be fair her pussy is the world’s largest unexplored jungle.”
“Heather’s face is the last thing you see when you close the Papa John’s Pizza ad.”
This time around Paige has the edge. The audience weighs in for the first time, and the competitors weigh a metric ton. The vote is too close to call and chants of “One more joke! One more joke!” erupt from the crowd, and Paige takes the stage:
“Heather dresses the way patchouli smells.”
Her joke hits big, and it comes down to this last joke from Unruly Marulli:
“Paige’s neck is so thick that her ISIS beheading video would be a trilogy.”
This last joke blows the roof off the Belly Room and gets one of the loudest crowd votes we’ve heard at Roast Battle punctuated by chants of “Heather! Heather! Heather!” And with that, Heather Marulli claims her place as a first class heavyweight. Paige Wesley deserves props for her performance as well. When a battle goes to double overtime, the true winners are the bloodthirsty audience. Paige puts Heather over as a face, and Heather proves to the fans that she’s baddest bitch in town.
Joe Eurell and Doug Fager have their work cut out for them to follow that massive match up. This match is interesting because both of these guys are babyfaces. Joe is carried to the stage first to the tune of Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way.” Doug makes his way to the stage and grabs his weapon.
“Doug looks like what America used to be, and Joe looks like what America has become.” – Mike Lawrence
“It looks like a battle between Trumpcare and Obamacare.” – The Saudi Prince
Joe puts the onus on Doug to start and he takes over:
“Joe was almost adopted by an Amish couple. He would’ve spent his entire Rumspringa getting out of the driveway.”
“Doug’s OCD made him dump his Filipino girlfriend when he found out she didn’t automatically do housekeeping.”
“Well said, Joe.”
“Thank you, Not Milwaukee’s Best.”
“I can’t wait for Joe’s hour comedy special. I hear he tells one one-liner and has somebody else drop the mic.”
“Doug is a Christian, but only because he’s into watching people get forcibly nailed.”
“When Joe eats a Sloppy Joe he becomes a sloppy Joe.”
“Doug, you look so pale and sickly, you look like you’re trying to appropriate sickle cell.”
“Joe was beaten by both of his parents, which is why his dukes are always up.”
“Doug and his father are both alcoholics who fought when his brother died. They disagreed about who got his liver.”
“Joe, well at least my brother can kick a bucket. Half of people think that Joe should’ve been euthanized as a baby, the other half have not heard his comedy album.”
In one of the genuinely most remarkable moments we’ve ever witnessed, with all his strength, Joe pulls the mic out of the stand to deliver his last joke.
“When it comes to women, Doug and I are both limited by CP. Mine being Cerebral Palsy and Doug’s being consensual penetration.”
We go to the firing squad for input.
“I don’t see the insult in being called a rapist. It’s a show of strength. Especially if you look at the women who were just on stage.” – Saudi Prince
“I thought Joe started off slow, but you really ramped it up at the end.” – Adam Hunter
“I like Joe because his hands remind me of my toes when they curl when I cum hard.” – Esther Ku
The judges reach a split decision with one vote for each battler and one for a tie, so we’re going to sudden death. Joe starts this time:
“Doug is afraid of women who want him to commit… to the terms of a restraining order.”
“If you add water to Joe, he turns into a full-sized scarecrow.”
The most respectable thing (perhaps the only respectable thing) about Doug is that he believes in his jokes. He’s delivered some of the silliest, most abstract ideas that most people wouldn’t have the balls to do, and he commits to them full force. He’s a credit to the show. Having said that, Joe is all heart. Joe can barely speak or move, but against all odds, he headlines the best comedy show in LA with the style and vigor of a fully functional human body. Doug’s a great writer and performer, but tonight redemption is spelled J-o-e. Of these two babyfaces, disability beats charm. In the words of Mike Lawrence:
“The Oscar and the Roast Battle goes to Joe.” – Mike Lawrence
This next battle was a highly anticipated battle with four of the most vicious, most dependable names in the game: Frank Castillo, Jay Light, Keith Carey, and Connor McSpadden. And it is bad. Underwhelming to say the least, terrible to say the most. One of the biggest issues is the battle consisted of four cocky dudes, who all came off as heels. When heels battle heels, there’s nobody to root for. If Frank and Jay came off more likable or if Keith and Connor did more likable jokes, this could’ve been a slaughter. However, as it stands, this is probably the worst match any of these four dudes have ever been a part of. It starts with some pre-roast smack talk.
“Well, I just wanted Frank to bring the trophy so I could hopefully see him with solid material for once.” -Connor McSpadden
“I was nervous to fight Frank after I saw Roast Battle on TV, but then I realized he probably spent all his money so he can’t afford writers for tonight.” – Keith Carey
Frank and Jay enter dressed as Luchadores complete with colorful tights, bare chests, and bespectacled Lucha masks. They then beat up a presidential piñata to pieces, stomping his face in and dropping elbows.
“Fuck all of you for bringing a piñata with no candy up here.” – Keith Carey
“Hey, not my president and not my champ, who’s with me?” – Connor McSpadden
Connor and Keith launch into their own reworked rendition of Happy Birthday after Brian wishes Jay Light a happy birthday.
“Happy birthday to you
You got dumped by a Jew
And your best friend’s a hack
Who shouldn’t have won season 2”
-Keith and Connor
Anna Valenzuela punctuates the song by setting off a confetti cannon. As the colored paper settles, Jay responds by popping the gold foil balloon that was handed to him at some point, and flips off the Mean Boys.
“Nice tattoos, did you get those in time out?” – Connor McSpadden
The banter continues until they run out of steam, and then goes on a little longer after that. Mike Lawrence requests that Jay and Frank remove their masks so it doesn’t give them an unfair advantage.
“Would you make Rey Mysterio take his mask off?” – Brian Moses
“Yes, WCW did for three years.” – Mike Lawrence
Frank and Jay kick things off.
“Keith’s a fat bisexual, he only hangs out with Connor because he’s a cream-filled Twinkie.” – Frank
“The only reason these two hang out is because Keith looks- er Connor looks super malnourished because Keith only lactates spoiled milk.” – Jay
“Jay just went through a break up and his girlfriend was like Pace mild salsa, way too fucking hot for him.” – Keith
“Yeah, she was out of your little league, buddy.” – Connor
“I’m assuming you guys broke up because she was tired of not cuming while she stared at your night light.” – Keith
“To be fair, I think we all get tired from the three disappointing minutes from Jay week after week.” – Connor
“The Mean Boys have a Patreon for their alt-right fan base. For five bucks a month they’ll send you a selfie with a Nazi salute.” – Jay
“For ten dollars a month they’ll give you a fire torch with a personality on it, oh fuck.” – Frank
“For twenty bucks a month these two will take their car and drive into the protest group of your choice.” -Jay
“I’m about to win this one.” – Haiti
“Keith, I’ll give you fifty bucks if you can stop delivering every joke the same exact way…” – Frank
“Every time.” – Frank and Jay
“Speaking of the alt-right, Frank is a lot like Adolf Hitler because neither of them wrote jokes for season two of Roast Battle on Comedy Central.” – Keith
“Ya know, Frank only hangs out with Jay because he reminds him of his dad, he’s an alcoholic that’s using him for his money.” – Connor
“It’s true, I do give my friends writing jobs. The only thing you’ve given Connor is anxiety over the fact that he knows your friend’s a statutory rapist.” – Frank
“To be fair, unlike your family, that was legal in most states, Frank.” – Connor
“The best thing about Keith and Connor’s friendship is that Connor is tall enough to tie a noose for Keith to not fuck up his next suicide attempt.” – Jay
“Jay is an alcoholic, and he’s currently in a twelve step program. Step 1: Run the Periscope for three years.” – Keith
“Step 2: Get guilt bookings on the TV show.” – Connor
“Steps 3 through 12: work at The Comedy Store until you die.” – Keith
“Guilt bookings are definitely better than no bookings, you season one nobodies.” – Jay
“I was on the TV show, you-” – Keith
“You were on the Snapchat of season one, you fat fuck. I guess none of those – all of this gut is memories, none of it’s filled with memories.” – Jay
“Do you get dental insurance from the Snapchats or being on the show? Oh shit, never mind.” – Frank
“Jay used to be a pickup artist, which explains his negger lips.” – Keith
“And Frank you took so many jokes from other people on the TV show they should’ve called the finale, “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” – Connor
“I mean, it was just like a bunch of inside jo- I mean, people don’t care that he didn’t write his own stuff. That’s why he won in the first place. Like, it doesn’t fuckin’ matter. The crowd just wants fun jokes. Like, “here’s a crippled guy, he looks crippled. Here’s a fat girl, she’s fat.” This is just petty bickering you see in a green room and it doesn’t translate to fun comedy.” – Mike Lawrence
After an audience vote, this one also goes to Haiti. This was a risk they took that just might not work. When you’re watching a battle, you get invested in the battler’s personality and personal background. When there are four people battling it makes that information more convoluted. But they shouldn’t regret taking a risk. We have this idea in our culture that failure is bad, but failure is necessary. Nobody died (except their jokes). Nobody got hurt (except the audience). It’s also necessary for people to keep taking risks. Otherwise, things will get stale and lame. So, yeah, the tag team main event sucked, but what is the result? The four people involved will do some self-reflection and work harder next time. Maybe they’ll even be a little more humble, which is a good thing to be as a comedian and as a person. You learn everything from struggle and failure. It hurts, but it makes you stronger and smarter. This battle was so bad that there’s no show next week, but we’ll be back the week after that.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.