by Keith Carey
Roast Battle fans, you’re in for a treat: tonight promises to be one hell of a fight night! We’ve got a rare double-header, with two main events featuring four of the most brutal fighters on the scene. Roast Battle has been on a hot streak and tonight will no doubt keep the heat alive. Enough bullshit, let’s get to the previews!
We’ve got a killer judge’s panel tonight. The Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross, returns to the Belly Room to dispense encouragement and wrath in equal measure. The Sklar Brothers are putting their kids to bed early to come get nasty with us. Nick Youssef has quickly become one of the most fun judges the show has to offer, and he’ll be gracing us with his presence, as will Suli McCullough! You may recognize Suli as “Crazy Legs” from Don’t Be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. And if that sentence seems like gibberish to you, congratulations on being white as fuck!
Our first undercard pits Jacob Bunney (0-1, Unranked) against Robbie Goodwin (1-0, Unranked)!
This should be a decent fight. Jacob, seen here after being stung by all of the bees, is a charming, quick-witted bastard, although in his last bout he was an annoying, slow-witted embarrassment. Hopefully he can redeem himself in the ring tonight. Robbie had a memorable takedown of the mayor of Echo Park himself, Terrence Newman, and should be hungry to cement himself as a force to be reckoned with in his second Roast Battle match.
Next up, Kyle Gridley (2-1, #47) returns to battle Albert Escobedo (3-0, #45)!
Here we’ve got a fight between two guys with a lot of unrealized promise when it comes to slinging that sweet heat. Albert is undefeated in Battle, yet I can’t recall one of his jokes. He’s the king of the middle of the road, and tonight could be his night to step up to the next level. Kyle is a repeat offender who has gotten stronger and stronger each battle. His last fight was only two weeks ago, so it remains to be seen whether the quick turnaround will help or hinder him.
In a headliner-caliber undercard, Stuart Thompson (4-4, #27) competes for door guy supremacy against the dreaded Hormoz Rashidi (4-3-1, #25)!
Holy shit. This might technically be an undercard, but as far as I’m concerned, this is a main event. These are two of the strongest and, in my opinion, most underrated fighters on the roster. Stuart Thompson is the perfect Roast Battle comic, in that he is a dangerous blend of sharp writer and tremendously bland human being. Hormoz Rashidi, a.k.a. “Shitty Omid Singh”, is one of the few people as comfortable in the ring as he in in the Wave. Wherever he is, he always brings the heat.
In our first main event, Josh Waldron (2-3, #49) steps into the ring against Anna Valenzuela (2-1, #36)!
This should be a slamming battle. Anna, fresh off a tough loss against menopause, had one of the finest debuts in Roast Battle history against America’s sweetheart/Nordic meth princess April Lotshaw. But her subsequent record has been spotty, so this is her chance to prove that she belongs in the main event bracket. Josh Waldron is the father of this blog, and while his work on the Roast Report may suggest that he is an illiterate gaylord, his stand-up proves he is a gaylord that can write. His battle history is a bit weak, but a year and change of studying and analyzing the best of the best could give him the insight to knock over the sad Mexican cat lady and snag the “W” tonight.
And in the main main event, Jay Light (7-6, #11) grapples with Tom Goss (4-2, #12)!
We’re finishing strong with a clash between the thickest neck and the thickest lips in comedy. Jay Light is Roast Battle royalty, and this will mark his 14th trip into the ring. He always comes equipped with razor sharp jokes, and he’s one of the toughest opponents a battler could face. Tom is a scrappy underdog, overcoming mental illness and the fact that he is actually a cartoon bear to become one of Roast Battle’s most interesting, unpredictable battlers. No matter who wins, expect the room to be full of lightning for all three rounds.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.