Tonight features two virgin suicides, one undercard featuring extremely hungry battlers with rocky records, and a main events featuring Roast Battle alumni and upcoming favorites.
Judging tonight is Season 1 Champion and room favorite, Mike Lawrence. Mike’s quick and cutting wit make him one of the most feared and loved judges in the game. The other judge is Candice Thompson, she’s a paid regular who we saw defeat Jasmin Leigh on the Road to Roast Battle. Candice is objective and experienced, making her a great judge. Both judges know their shit, so we are in for some genuinely great critiques. Finally, we have everyone’s favorite Roastmaster, Jeff Ross, back in his spot at the head of the panel after a whirlwind press tour for his new special Jeff Ross Roasts The Border.
Our first battle is a virgin suicide featuring two OC comics, the battle of the Nates: Nate Banditelli versus Nate Hedrick. Neither of these two strikes me as great, but the OC has produced some of our best battlers, so let’s hope they drank from the same fountain of awesome. This looks like a battle between the two kids from elementary school who always smelled like farts. Hedrick’s “about me” section of Facebook boasts of him wanting to “Fuck bitches make ’em cum all over me while I sip on Hennessey,” I don’t know Nate, but I am absolutely certain of 2 things: I don’t like him, and he’s never made a girl cum. Banditelli has been doing comedy for a year and insists on wearing Kangol hats and posting only blurry photos of himself at open mics, so we know he doesn’t make the best decisions. Let’s hope his writing is more focused than his profile pics. Neither of these two have stepped into the Belly Room to date, and since I don’t know either of them, it’s anyone’s guess how they’ll do.
Next up is our second virgin suicide of the night: Mike Chupa versus Travis Beck. Or as I’m calling it “Mr. Potato Head if he never met Mrs. and remained a virgin forever vs. cuckolded at Coachella.” Mike is so old, he’s only on Facebook, so all I could learn is that he likes to share a lot of flyers for shows he isn’t on. Travis is the epitome of a Silverlake hipster. I can actually smell the patchouli coming from his Instagram. The only thing more nauseating than Mike’s Beer Belly is Travis’s smugness. Mike has a sweetness in his face, where Travis has a wonderfully punchable quality to his. This is anyone’s game, but I’m giving the edge to Mike since the audience tends to favor the underdog.
In our last undercard of the night, we have Kelsey Lane versus Zach Stein. Both have an inconsistent record, but have been putting in the work and battling a lot. Kelsey has racked up 4 battles in two months, an impressive and tenacious feat, even though none of them were room destroyers. Kelsey is coming off a shaky win against Phil Kemp in Roast Battle’s first-ever musical battle. It may not have been the most impressive thing we’ve seen in the ring, but it shows Kelsey’s got balls and is willing to take risks. This could help her against the less-fuckable Johnathon Lipnicki, Zach Stein. Zach also has a wishy-washy record, with some great battles, and some epic duds. Both battlers are coming off victories and are hungry for another, and a chance to earn a spot in the coveted Top 50. They both have awkward energy that if harnessed correctly can win the audience over, but if misused can turn the room against them. This is anyone’s battle, as they both are unpredictable, but we can be certain it’ll be interesting to watch.
Tonight’s Main Event features Tony “Gonna Die Alone-y” Bartolone and April “The Forehead” Lotshaw. This is a battle of the dumpster diver vs. the dimpled diva. Tony is the veteran battler ranked at 25 and April is an up-and-comer at 43 who’s been crushing it lately. Tony’s our favorite homeless battler. His unconventional style and generally unlikability have led him to some epic wins, and disastrous losses. In recent battles, he’s foregone his previous theatrics of insane entrances and relied on his solid joke writing. I wonder if we will see that Tony again in the ring, or if he’s been retired, and this is the dawn of a new, more subdued battler. Either way, Tony will bring his A-game and we are in for some silly, wordy jokes. April’s newer to the battling scene, but she’s proven herself to be a force, she’s a dynamite word economist, she’s got the likability, and she understands the roast joke format. This should be an excellent matchup. Tony is a seasoned battler that we hate to love, and April’s the underdog, and the Roast Battle audience loves an underdog. Both of these battlers are hungry, April for a win, Tony for actual food. I give the edge slightly to April, her short, cutting jokes fair better in the Belly Room than Tony’s more elaborate, lengthy jokes. I wouldn’t discount either of them, as Tony has a way of painting an epic picture if he doesn’t stumble over the words. Either way, this will be one for the books.
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