It’s the Tuesday before Halloween and we’ve got a spooky lineup of undercards featuring all the scariest minorities of the season: Hispanics, Arabs, blacks, and one fat AIDS-y gay. What’s a scary movie without its heroes though? We will be closing the evening with two main events featuring the vanquishers of the aforementioned terrifying types: White people! Well one of them is a bisexual woman, but hey that’s Hollywood for you.

Presiding over the spooktacular (this is the end of the Halloween talk) evening are three of the best veteran judges Roast Battle has to offer. Elon Gold, of Friar’s Club notoriety, makes his welcome return, always dependable to draw on his roasting experience for big laughs and sage-like wisdom. Nicole Becannon is a former Roast Battle Champion, appeared on Comedy Central’s Roast Battle, and wrote for Netflix’s Historical Roast; she is one of the most qualified judges Roast Battle has to offer, and shows it every time, providing hilarity with her shrewd barbs and her poignant critiques. Finally, we have the granddaddy of them all (I’m calling him the Rose Bowl, not old), the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. If you don’t know Jeff Ross, and you’re coming to this show, you must be foreign. Jeff draws on his litany of every type of roasting experience to bring the crowd monumental laughs with his adjective noun and his adjective noun.

Our first battle of the night features two felons (I’m guessing) as Los Digits takes on Guam Felix. Guam is a complex Roast Battle veteran with some of the most puzzling wins and puzzling losses in show history. He’s bested giants and tasted defeat at the hands of the mentally feeble. Guam is capable of absolutely lighting the room up, and giving one of the best performances of the night. Los Digits is one of those mentally feeble I was talking about. Or maybe he’s a genius, probably not, but he sure as hell knows how to entertain. Digits’ roast battles are like the 1960 Kennedy vs Nixon debates: If you’re listening to Roast Battle on the radio by a warm crackling fire as you sip your coco, you likely think Los Digits is doing a terrible job, but if you happen to enjoy the sight of his battles on this newfangled gizmo called periscope, oh what a different experience you’ve had. Digits entertainingly perplexes crowds with his psychotic pacing during his opponent’s jokes, then delivering his own jokes directly in their face as if it’s a threat. Guam is the first person Digits is battling who doesn’t look like a pussy, so let’s see how that affects the intimidation act.

Up next we have Abraham Boche versus Ruben Bugayong. This sounds like a battle between two guys who were put in the Democratic Presidential Debates for the optics. I do not know enough about politics to continue this metaphor. Hey Ruben, change your last name. I shouldn’t be like that to Ruben, he’s a respected actor. If you go to his IMDB page, the roles he’s most known for are Zombie, Man on TV (a little on the nose), Man in Back, and, of course, himself on Divorce Court. (Butthead voice) Haha, you’re divorced. Ruben’s battled once before, making a good showing, before ultimately losing to Afrodyete, which is spelled that way because of her hair. Abraham Boche has battled a handful of times. He has a tendency to introduce newcomers to the show, often taking on people who have never battled or only done it once. Perhaps he does this to get a layup win, where he can use his experience and understanding of the show to defeat someone who doesn’t know what they’re walking in to. It doesn’t quite work as Abraham still doesn’t seem to understand what he’s walking in to, and collects loss after loss, but is unperturbed. Abraham will keep showing up to roast battle some 40 year old Korean guy long after the Comedy Store shuts its doors forever.

In our third undercard of the night, Alice Hamilton takes on Dylan Sullivan. Hey, I’m in a group text with these two, so I find them extremely annoying. Not really, I’m probably the most annoying one in that group text. Dylan appears to think he’s too good to engage in it most of the time, but it seems like once a day he realizes no one else wants to talk to him and comes running back to thumbs up all our messages, and say charcuterie for some pathetic attempt at developing a group non sequitur. It’s hard to mention pathetic, without bringing up his opponent, Alice Hamilton, or is it Alice Rose? It’s difficult to keep track as she is so desperate for an identity that she changes her name every couple of months. These two stink to high heaven. Somehow they both win roast battles with some frequency, and Alice just picked up a Rookie of the Year Roastie and Undercard of the Year Roastie, but hey that’s Hollywood for you.

In our final undercard of the evening, we have Gary Curtis going up against Jasmin Leigh in the battle of the only two hot people you’ll see tonight. Seriously, it’s a fucking freak show otherwise. Sure, you can make an argument for Alice, but I wouldn’t. These two were scheduled to battle at the beginning of the month, but they were too busy getting laid at Eyes Wide Shut parties. Gary is a low profile battler with a great record, going 2-0 to start things off. Jasmin is a high profile battler with a less stellar record, but she always puts on a great show. This will be a great opportunity for Gary to step into the spotlight, by taking on the more seasoned Jasmin. Jasmin has shown great improvement in recent battles, without losing her big energy that made her a crowd favorite even when her jokes would bomb. She has the potential to be dangerous. Gary has already proven he knows how to win, we’ll see if he can maintain his focus and collect win number three, or if he’ll fall prey to the diva.

The first main event shows Kelsey Lane taking on Billy Anderson. This looks like a step-sibling porn played by blood-related siblings. Writing about main events sucks because they’re white and good at the show, so how am I supposed to be funny? Kelsey is a bisexual pegger, which is also a good description of her Roast Battling: Man or woman, she’s gonna fuck your asshole. Billy Anderson is an adorable little Irishman. He’s the best The Irishman you can see tonight. That’s right, fuck Martin Scorsese, he’s never made a good movie. These two know how to put on a hell of a show, both skilled fixtures in main events. This one should be epic, I expect to see fireworks and fire crotches.

Our final battle of the evening is a doozie, as Isaac Hirsch takes on Ashley Johnson in the battle of high school nerd versus prison bully. 99 times out of 100, I take a prison alpha over a man who weighs 125 lbs, but this competition involves writing. Fortunately, Ashley is not as dumb as he looks, which isn’t saying much, but he’s a lot less dumb than he looks. Isaac is better at basketball than he looks, and better at not dying of leukemia than he looks. These are two phenomenal battlers, and it’s a great pairing. Isaac has bested intimidating giants before, and Ashley has bested people whose underwear he would put over their heads before. Two stellar, zero fat joke writers, who look like natural opponents is about as good as Roast Battle gets. I expect this one to set the room ablaze, if the winds don’t do it first. Tune in for a raucous night and check your child’s candy for hollow point bullets.

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