The crowd was electric this past Tuesday from start to finish. We had everything: a drunk Samoan, a clue master, a mother who’d never had an orgasm, and a wedding. It was a night that reminds us why Roast Battle is so insane and special. We had an overstocked judges section with Mike Lawrence, Pat Barker, Jon Reep, Sarah Keller, Jeff Ross, Tony Hinchcliff, Dom Irrera and Morgan Murphy all lending their comedic talents to this night of unexpected shenanigans.
The first battle of the night featured Austin Nasso vs. Brendon Burns. Brendon was brought on stage first carrying a backpack looking like he just came from the Australian outback. Brendon proceeded to clumsily take a laptop out of said backpack and set it up on the front table with speakers. This took WAY longer than it should have and had ZERO explanation. Austin was brought to the stage and it didn’t get better from there. Austin delivered his unremarkable jokes, with the exception of “Pedophile Dundee” which got a modest pop from the very hot crowd. Brendon proceeded to have his computer deliver jokes a la the 1990s movie “Blank Check” when Preston uses his Mac to pretend he’s an adult. It was a bold choice, and a risk we haven’t seen taken before, but it did not pay off. We couldn’t understand the computer and the bits we could weren’t worthy of hearing. Honestly, I’m not even going to transcribe the jokes because it was such a terrible battle and Mr. Burns apparently lost all record of his jokes. (Probably a smart move, we don’t need written proof of what happened.) The battle was saved by the judges, as usual, especially when Pat Barker said, “Brendon, you’re famous in Australia, which is super cool, I think I speak on behalf of every comedian here when I say, we should move to Australia.” And Mike Lawrence said, “I think this is the first time a comedian has ever had to return jokes to the genius bar…I wish I could control-alt-delete this battle.” Austin had one good joke, which won him the match.
Next up we had first-time battler Portia Bartholomae taking on Timothy McGorry. Portia is brought to the stage first and when asked why she’s battling Tim she said, “I’m not, diabetes is,” which got a good pop from the audience. Timothy is brought up and asked the same question to which he responds “I’m not gonna say her boyfriend Mike Schmidt bribed me, but I was just handed 5 Xbox games”, which prompted a “roast his ass!” from the audience. Tim volunteers to go first.
“Portia has no tattoos, because her only fetish is being buried in a Jewish Cemetery.”
“Thank you, Robert Downey Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. Tim is SO poor he has to borrow cum to give his girlfriend a pearl necklace.”
“Portia was born without a vagina, the only reason there’s anything down there is because she was in a horrible accident involving a shovel and trampoline.”
“Great words, from someone who goes to an Arby’s on his way to an Arby’s. Tim, Tim, Tim you’re a fat man that collects Legos and makes his own hot sauce… you’ve dried out more pussies than a cat taxidermist.”
“Portia was molested as a child, but not as an adult? Is it weird that you peaked sexually at 7?”
“Good one, Big Gay Oakerson. You look like you fuck little boys and then let them pick out your clothes.”
Jamar summed this up perfectly, “That white bitch evil.” Portia absolutely buried Tim, to the point where Moses almost stopped the battle before her last joke on accident, because it was such a devastation. Portia came with well-written, creative jokes and comebacks, the pearl necklace joke was flawless. Tim came with weird sentences that didn’t make sense nor were they funny, the closest he came was the molestation joke, but framing a joke as a question rarely works. Portia had an excellent showing of her first battle, and Tim clearly spent all his writing time going to Arby’s. The judges and audience unanimously vote for Portia. I’m sure we will see a lot more of her in the future, and hopefully when “Horatio Sanz-jokes” (Tim) comes back he’ll prepare more and not underestimate his opponents.
Next up is Unruly Heather Marulli vs. Deirdre Devlin. Heather is brought on stage first and answers the standard question with, “Well, Deirdre is an Emmy-winner so I wanted to prove that Emmy’s are meaningless”, which gets a huge pop from the audience. Deirdre is brought up and answers, “I just wanted to battle someone with a worse double-chin than me”, which gets a modest reaction from the audience, giving Heather a slight lead going in to the battle. Deirdre wants to go first.
“Heathers pussy is so haunted and swampy and ew. It’s been featured on two episodes of Scooby Doo.”
“Deirdre, my pussy has better reviews than any show you’ve ever written on. Deirdre said she once had a dog eat her out. I guess he likes dry food.”
“Thank you My Big Fat Greek Yeti. Heather says a lot of guys fight over her, which is true…those cattle auctions can get really crazy.”
“You look like the Grinch fucked Jon-Benet Ramsey. Deirdre looks like a real estate agent who sells empty space in her pussy.”
“Heather is the human equivalent of a queef: awkward, noisy, and completely ignored during sex.”
“One of Deirdre’s credits is a show called 10 Second Trauma, which is what men experience when they cum while looking at her face.”
A great battle by both of these women, as Pat Barker said, “They look like different layers of the same Russian nesting doll.” Heather’s “reviews” comeback gave her a huge lead in the beginning that Deirdre just couldn’t overcome. Both of these ladies had well-crafted jokes, the “cattle auction” joke from Deirdre was a great mis-direct. Heather’s “dry food” joke prompted a “dry food” chant from the audience, and for Moses to declare it was flawless. The judges all vote for Heather and the audience agrees.
Next up is Todd Walker vs. Josh Waldron. Todd joins Josh on stage and answers the question with, “I just always wanted to battle my gay alter-ego”, to which Josh responds, “You say I look gay but we look related, that’s like the pot calling the kettle fag”, prompting Todd to retort, “I don’t use the f-word” and Josh comes in for the kill with, “What? Funny?” And we are ready for a battle! Todd volunteers to be sacrificed first.
“Just to let you guys know Josh delayed the battle 3 times because he had an audition. What were you auditioning for? The Bi Little Pony?”
“Todd is from Thailand but hasn’t been back since the time he trapped 5 boys in a cave.”
“That was a good one DJ anal seepage. Josh looks like if he bites you, you’d turn into a mermaid.”
“The enemy of white walker is Jon Snow. The worst enemy of a Todd Walker is consent.”
“Josh is a great guy, he’s the kind of guy that would blow ya before you buy a house from him.”
“Todd’s dad is from Hoboken and his mom is from Thailand which means he’s half Jersey boy and half lady boy.”
A very fun battle all around between “the before and after for gay conversion therapy” according to Pat Barker. Josh came out swinging from the beginning and Todd was never really able to reach his momentum. The judges consensus was that Todd had the best joke of the battle with the “mermaid joke”, but Josh was more consistent throughout. The audience agrees and Josh takes the win.
The last battle of the night featured “The Most Unlikable Man” Lou Misiano vs. Mark Stevens. Mark is brought on stage first to raucous applause, sporting some bruises and cuts on his face, prompting Moses to ask what happened, while Mark takes a dramatic breath about to explain the story, Sarah Keller pounces with “The girl finally fought back”, causing the room to ignite. Mark finally explains he drunkenly fell on the sidewalk, apparently even the sidewalk can beat Mark. Lou is brought to the stage wearing his signature 3-piece suit and works the crowd like a scrawny James Bond, shaking and kissing hands. Mike Lawrence says, “Lou looks like he’s going to help Mark sue the pavement.” Lou answers the why battle question with, “Well, before I was making millions of dollars in comedy, I used to wait tables, and Mark here is Armenian, so on behalf of service industry people everywhere this is for every 8% tip from an asshole complaining the water is too cold, I’m going to fucking destroy you”, this lights the room on fire and Lou has already charmed the audience to the point where Tony Hinchcliffe pipes in, “Is it fair that a guy this smooth is battling someone with open wounds on his face?…This is like a pro-wrestling story line.” The audience is foaming at the mouth in anticipation for this event, Mark wants to take it first.
“Lou looks like he does cocaine just so he can look in a mirror.”
“Every time I hear an Armenian talk I think “Fuck why wasn’t your genocide more effective. Oh what? Some of you brought morals to a roast battle? That’s like Mark bringing condoms to a date, you’re not going to use them.”
“Thank you Justin Timberlake if he was bi-bi-bi-sexual. Both Lou’s brother and sister overdosed on heroin and Lou does cocaine 3x a week, Lou I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say, we wish you would just live up to your siblings standards.”
“Speaking of fucked up families, nice black eye, is your dad visiting?”
At this point the wave comes on stage with Willie Hunter dressed in a wedding gown and a wedding processional plays as Willie approaches his groom (Jeremiah Watkins) and a fake wedding ensues, complete with Mark doing the Mark-iest of all things and trying to force Willie and Jeremiah to kiss prompting the audience to shout “kiss, kiss, kiss!”, to the crowd’s dismay they don’t and Lou continues,
“One time, Mark said that he and I were very similar. NOPE. In order for mark and I to be similar he’d have to grow four inches, lose four inches and gain four inches.”
“Thank you Ryan Hepatitis Seacrest. Lou is the only kind of douche that would make a pussy dirtier.”
“Mark grew up in an abusive household and his father treated Mark the same way Mark treats his dick, just constantly beating that little guy.”
Now THAT was a fucking battle! Both of these men came with absolute fire, they had comebacks, off-the-cuff remarks, well-constructed jokes and swagger. Mark started strong with the cocaine joke, and Lou road his pre-battle momentum through his first joke. Mark’s second joke fell a little short, still garnering huge laughs, but not enough to earn him the lead he needed over Lou. Lou’s second joke was flawlessly delivered, the “nope” earning him a larger pop than the punchline itself. Jon Reep votes for Mark based on the “Ryan Hepatitis Seacrest” comeback. Pat says Mark has some of the best jokes he’s ever heard from Mark, but Lou’s swagger wins it for him. Sarah says it was a great battle between the “two different types of dudes that roofied me in college” and echo’s Pat’s remarks that Mark had some of his best jokes to date and the audience may not have given him all the credit he deserved, but she votes for Lou based on audience reaction, performance and his off-the-cuff remarks. Mike says that Lou is getting better every time he sees him, and that this was the best battle he’s ever seen of Mark, but votes for Lou. Tony votes for Lou based on his swagger and performance. Jeff notices that Mark seems more hyped up than normal, compliments his improved writing, specifically pointing out the “douche” joke and says next time Mark should come back a little calmer, slow down and enjoy it a little more, but votes for Lou. Mark arguably had better jokes, but his delivery can’t compare to Lou’s, if Mark can learn to savor the moments like Lou, he’ll be unstoppable. The audience is explosive for both but gives it to Lou. What a night, I’m sure we will be seeing a lot more from both of these talented men.
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