by Keith Carey

Another Tuesday brings another round of battles. Everybody’s
on the top of their game in the wake of Roast Battle’s TV glory, and you can
expect to see some top-notch performances tonight. We’ve got returning
favorites, up-and-comers, and a couple of virgins!

You may recognize Chris Redd from his performance in “Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping,” but you probably don’t because nobody saw
that movie. It’s great, though, and Chris is one of the best parts of it.
Michael Kosta is here yet again, fresh off of doing whatever the fuck it is
that Michael Kosta does. And Roastmaster General returns to his regular seat to
hold court over us meager peasants. Jeff is one of the writers of the new film
“The Comedian”, so maybe if we all ask real nice we can get Jeff to invite
Robert De Niro to battle someday. It can’t be that hard. He was in “Rocky &
Bullwinkle” so I can’t imagine him saying no to anything.

In the night’s first fight, Alfred B.
Konuwa rumbles with Lonnie Johnson!

I’d call this black-on-black violence, but Alfred Konuwa is
possibly the whitest man I’ve ever met. He wrote for Forbes, he dresses like
the caddy at a country club he’s not allowed at, and frankly he’s so white I’ll
be shocked if he doesn’t battle in a Patriots jersey. Racial confusion aside,
Alfred is also a rising star on the battle circuit. Win or lose, Alfred always
comes ready to play, and he’s become a very memorable character in the Belly
Room. Lonnie Johnson has also gained momentum, fighting his way to a few rollicking
victories and raising his stock in the process. This battle promises to deliver
at least a lot of fun, and possibly a real slugfest.

Next up, Jacob Trimmer gets into the ring with Tony Alfano!

Jesus, look at these dueling Chads. The winner of this battle
gets to play bass for Pennywise. Jacob are Tony are both products of the now
infamous Orange County scene, the breeding ground of some of Roast Battle’s
finest talent. Tony is a very talented comedian and was carving a nice little
swath of destruction, culminating in a noble loss to Evan Cassidy, but has been
AWOL from the Battle circuit for many months. Meanwhile, Jacob Trimmer has had
a remarkable debut season, quickly fighting his way to an impressive undefeated record. Tony’s no slouch, but based on momentum alone I expect big things from
Trimmer. Two bros enter, ONE BRO LEAVES!

After that, Juan Cias takes on Joseph Thorne!

Juan’s got a real “swap meet Gomez Addams” vibe going on.
He’s a relatively green comic, but his experience in his day job as an undertaker
might give him the edge he needs to bury a motherfucker. I don’t know Joseph
Thorne, but his Facebook is just pictures of him at an abandoned zoo and a lot of
anti-Trump stuff. Honestly, this will be probably be fuckin’ exhausting, but
hopefully Juan can save it.

In the four spot, Amy Miller trades blows with Casey Ley!

Amy looks like the understudy in a community college
production of “Chicago.” That is the wide-eyed, desperate smile of every girl
who ever gave a graceless, overzealous hand-job at the cast party for a high
school play. She’s an accomplished comic in her own right, and you can pick up
her album “Solid Gold” now, but it remains to be seen if that gold is solid
enough to beat a motherfucker to death with. Said motherfucker is Casey Ley. I’ve
seen Casey battle before, but recently caught his stand-up for the first time
and was blown away at how savagely funny he is, particularly about his recent
HIV diagnosis. Hopefully getting HIV taught him the importance of PrEP and he
comes in hot with some strong material. There’s going be blood on the stage by
the end of this one. Hopefully it’s Amy’s or we’re going to have to get Frank
Castillo a biohazard suit to clean up after the show.

Our final undercard pits Anne Flagg against Armando Torres!

Armando, seen here in his Trump-deceiving “white dude”
costume, was a regular battler at the now defunct Temecula battles. He recently
moved to Los Angeles to pursue his dream of making elaborately photoshopped
flyers to advertise all the bringer shows he’s on, and we appreciate him making
a rare non-Flappers appearance at Roast Battle. Anne Flagg, who looks like the
sexy young version of every old lady I’ve ever seen trying to get laid in a
casino, has been all over the battles lately, recently picking up her first win
against Tony Asar. Will she rise to the rank of Inland Empress? Or will Torres
channel his Latino heritage and beat the shit out of a woman?

Closing out the night is a main event between two Roast
Battle titans, Dan Nolan and Omid Singh!

Dan looks like he’s on his way to shoot up the tech support
office that outsourced his job to Omid. Omid looks like…well, he just kinda
looks gross. Regardless, these two are some of our best and brightest. Both
have a knack for writing complex jokes with an absurdist bent.
Dan has the tendency and capacity to go a bit more bloodthirsty, but Omid’s Buddha-like focus and odd sense of humor have led him to huge victories and a
near-permanent spot in the top 10. Stay until the end, ladies and gentlemen,
because this will be a fight to remember.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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