The judges would say all night how important it was to have fun during your Roast Battle. Here they are setting a great example. Dane Cook and Whitney Cummings had the hottest debut of any Roast Battle judge before them. These are pro’s pros. We should listen to them because they’re successful. Roast Battle is a joke writer’s showcase but not just for the battlers. The judges, the haters and Coach Tea are all showcasing their comedic skills and it is a treat each and every week. One of the best moments of the entire night came from the start when Earl set the tone for anyone who thought they were safe. Even Whitney Rice, who made a glorious return.
“Whitney, you’re a cunt, I never liked you. I always liked Rell better than [Moses]. Adam Eget, you’re shitty at your job, I wish Tommy was back. This whole club sucks. I’m gonna go somewhere they respect the comics who helped build it. Dane, let’s go to the Laugh Factory.”
Damn, Earl. Way to light the powder keg fuse right at the start of the show.
Before we get to the reviews, next week the gang will be at the Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal. To make up for it’s absence, the Committee has been developing an awards post for the all the battles since we’ve been covering it!
Woo! We’ll have things like Joke of the Year, Roaster of the Year and Worst of the Year (spolier alert: Matt Lewis (0-1, last)) among others. Feel free to go through the archive while the show is away and send nominations to Jay Light or myself!
Now for the longest review ever, bruh.
The first battle of the night had Alex Hooper (7-1, 2) making George Perez (4-2, 16) his bitch!
Btw, the judges were on fire all night. I’m gonna throw in as many of their zings as I can.
“Alex looks like dead Carrot Top.” – Whitney Cummings
“George, I think I played as you the other day in Grand Theft Auto.” – Dane Cook
“Alex looks like a school shooter who can’t afford a gun.” – Jeff Ross
If you look closely you can see George readying his shank as he walks off stage. This was the perfect battle to start us off. Both had great entrances and theme music to match thanks to Coach Tea. You have to think Alex’s stage presence helped him in this battle. He danced his way to to the stage and just seemed to have more fun, something the judges would call back to all night. George started hot when asked why he wanted to battle Alex.
“Ever since Chapo escaped, I’m not scared of white people no more.”
Too bad that joke didn’t count on the scorecard as Jeff Ross had Alex taking the round 5-2. George tried to double joke in one turn and lost steam after a great opener.
GEORGE ON ALEX
“How come you look like the janitor at a recycling center?
“What’s up with your hair man? You look like Children of the Cornrows.”
Really only that first joke hit but the crowd was so hot that every joke had a little pop. Alex just had the better joke every time, including two comebacks rocked the room.
ALEX ON GEORGE
“George opened for Kevin Nealon and spent most of his time in prison Nealon for Kevin.”
“This is the first time George has spoken to a white person without having to add ‘your honor’.”
“Wow, George I guess neither you or your jokes legally work in this country.”
One thing I liked about George: he maintained his rough, cholo persona through the battle but as soon as the bell sounded he cracked a smile and hugged Alex like a brother.
This battle landed a ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? on the FE scale.
Our second battle of the night had Olivia Grace (4-0, 3) roaring to victory over Ashley Barnhill (6-1)!
What. A. Battle. Comedy sweetheart Olivia Grace probably had the performance of the night in slaying mighty Ashley Barnhill. Ash had decent jokes but Olivia was too much. Ashley pulled a never before seen move in deferring to Olivia when Moses asked who wanted to go first. It was the most confident she would be all night.
ASHLEY ON OLIVIA
“I’ll admit Olivia has a chance at winning tonight. But like Olivia’s bathroom scale, she never loses anything.”
“Olivia claims to have been raped by a black guy. I was going to do a Cosby joke but her rapist took the Quaaludes himself.”
“I may talk slow or talk like I’m stoned all the time, but Ashley looks she has the munchies all the time.”
At one point after an Olivia joke, Ashley showed her frustration and declared a joke every person in the room laughed at was not funny. Most of Ashley’s jokes were about Olivia being fat. Jeremiah and the Wave decided to let Ash know we know Olivia can be made fun of for being fat.
We get it. Olivia is overweight. But her jokes are the biggest thing about her.
OLIVIA ON ASHLEY
“Ashley’s jokes should be on Wikileaks because she’s an anonymous hack.”
“Ashley opened for Dave Chappelle and she sucked so bad he sent her to Africa.”
“Ashley’s making fat jokes because she’s just jealous my shirt has more material than she does.”-mega comeback
“Ashley talks so slow by the time she yells rape it’s already over.”
FUEGO. Whitney commented on Olivia having a great roasting presence and owning her style a little more than Ashley. Olivia won this one wire to wire. Best part of the battle? When Jeff asked Olivia what her record was before the judges had all made their decision.
“Well now its 4-0.” – Olivia Grace
This battle gets a full ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? on the FE scale but every single ember goes to Olivia Grace, the new Ronda Rousey of the Comedy Store. Too bad Olivia isn’t going to Montreal. Good luck Tony and Ashley and the resft of our American representatives!
Our first Gender War of the night had Mike Lawrence (1-0-1, 5HR) and Annie Lederman (1-0-1, 8HR) ending their battle in a questionable draw!
“Dane Cook, if you’re here then who is getting bumped by Chris D’Elia at the Improv?” – Annie Lederman, coming out swinging.
D’Elia having a better career than Dane would be a theme all night.This pic represents one of the best moments I have ever seen at Roast Battle. It’s like Shrek and the princess stopped by the show. #presh. That’s how you hug a friend after a great show. I’m such a softy for the sentimental. The jokes were fantastic for the whole fight. Annie was little meaner with her jokes though and according to Whitney the jokes need to be funnier than they are mean for everyone to be cool with laughing.
ANNIE ON MIKE
“Mike’s mom was a comic in the 80s and I heard she fucked Carrot Top. Even so Mike is still the biggest ginger faggot to be inside of her.”
“Mike I’d say you were a piece of garbage but garbage is something someone wanted at one point.
“Mike’s brother was arrested for wearing a mask and jerking off in front of a woman’s window. Too bad wearing a mask doesn’t run in the family.”
Most of Annie’s jokes hit and she had a solid comeback. This really was one of the best, closest battles we’ve ever had. I’d say Mike landed one more punchline than Annie. He also had some great off the cuff moments that made Whitney Cummings stand up and place her hands on her forehead in exasperation.
MIKE ON ANNIE
“I have a face only a mother could love and you have a career only a father could financially support.”
“People will call her a slut or whore but she’s actually prudish. She won’t even put out new material.”
“She’s such a starfucker. When you got molested you were looking around to see if anyone more famous could molest you.”
Mike probably got robbed. He had more fun on stage and played within Roast Battle rules. It went to a joke-off that you would think Mike won after a mega comeback but it was still ruled a draw. The crowd did not agree.
This tie gets ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? flame emojis! Should be 5 but ties are wack af.
Our #LoveWins battle had Guy Branum (2-0, 3HR) overpowering Joe Dosch (6-2, 1) for the win!
Right now, Joe is locked up in chains in a slave Princess Leia outfit while Guy sits in a throne and waits for Hans Homo to save the day. Shoutout to Troy Conrad, the Great Photog, for nailing some moments in tonight’s battle.
A perfect shot of the second selfie ever taken on the show. This could be the next “get tested for AIDS’ billboards you see around LA. This battle was just as good as the previous battle. Guy and Joe both had smart, funny jokes about each other. Guy’s force of personality just tipped the scales(sorry) his way just a little bit, and that was enough for the win.
JOE ON GUY
"Guy could never be the Last Comic Standing because his knees would give out.”
“If Guy were alive during the Holocaust, he would have had a cattle car all to himself.”
“Guy was just on the Nightly Show. It was actually The Daily Show, but Guy blocks out the sun.”
These are very funny jokes but with Joe’s delivery being more casual than Guy’s, his jokes didn’t punch as hard as they should have.
GUY ON JOE
“Joe does comedy in drag sometimes, which explains why so many people think women aren’t funny.”
“Joe is a bottom, which is weird, I didn’t know you could put a hole in nothing.”
“Yes, I am fat. At least a have a characteristic.”
Let’s give some credit to Miss Cummings. She masterfully toed the line between analysis and color commentary.
WHITNEY ON EVERYONE
“Whitney, you kind of look like Joe after the surgeries.” – Guy.
“You look like me during the surgeries.” – Whitney, firing right back.
“You have a certain “je ne sai…” – Dane to Guy.
“It’s called faggotyness.” – Guy, explaining.
“Dane has it too!” – Whitney, crushing.
She also may still be talking about Ashley versus Olivia. It was her first time to the show and she was one of the best parts about it. Guy sauntered off stage after his victory, forgetting one of the most crucial Roast Battle rules; a post battle hug. It was a beautiful thing. It’s such a simple rule but a crowd endeared to the rules of the show refused to let it happen. Guy reversed course and claimed his prize (Joe’s bhole).
? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?! The second perfecto of the night! #LoveWins
In the penultimate battle of the evening, Jerron Horton (4-3, 9) overcame Hormoz Rashidi (3-2-1, 20) !
The flame emoji scale can be a scary thing. It can consume all. It unfortunately consumed the pics from this battle but I was able to snag one from Jerron’s recent set at The $1 Comedy Show, a show with Comedy Store door guys and paid regulars. Check it! This was the only battle I got wrong. This was one of the only times the battler with the lower energy came out on top. Hormoz danced his way to stage as Coach Tea played him up to the Iranian national anthem(unconfirmed).
HORMOZ ON JERRON
“Jerron’s last name is Horton. “Hor”, like his mom. “Ton” like the amount of dicks he’s taken.”
“Police violence is a really serious issue. The worst part about police violence is they haven’t gotten to Jerron yet.”
“Jerron didn’t have a father growing up. The only people he had to look up to were the guys he was blowing.”
This was a very fast paced battle. I don’t think a single joke bombed. Jerron unveiled an interesting strategy of waving off Hormoz’s jokes after he said them. But it was his other strategy, having better jokes, that really got him the win.
JERRON ON HORMOZ
“Hormoz, your face looks like a cheap werewolf mask.”
“I feel sorry for Hormoz. He’s a divorced Muslim going through a mid-life ISIS.”
“It’s true, I wish I had a dad. I only hang out with Hormoz because he has a father’s figure.”
Jeff scored the battle 5-1 as far as jokes hitting but I think it was a little closer than that.
This battle was hot but not scorching so we’ll toss it ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? and be done with it.
And in the grand finale, Sarah Tiana (4-0, 1HR) dominated Joe Derosa (0-1, 14HR) !
“Come see the story of two comedians who go on a tour…of each other’s hearts, in ‘Running the Light on Love’!” – this picture. Moses can be the black friend.
Helluva finish to the night. Jeff Ross and Josh Meyrowitz were both shirtless. The entire crowd was sweating. Sarah and Joe were both drunk after having to wait to go last. Not headlining, but last. This was a great back and forth battle that had as much punch and pizazz as the five before it. I think this was Sarah’s battle to win the whole time. Joe mostly used the show to say the “N” word and confirm that he and Sarah had been intimate. He also had a few zingers.
JOE ON SARAH
“Sarah’s fucked a lot of comedians. More comics have blown it in her pussy than on auditions for ‘Last Comic Standing’.”
“Sarah’s bedroom is covered in more comedian DNA than Tracy Morgan’s party bus.”
Sarah had a fun, drunk energy that was adorable. The judges stated throughout the night and I’ve written about it for months: the person who looks like they’re having the most fun usually wins. Sarah kept saying “good try” passive-aggressively the same way Jerron waved off Hormoz, so it must be an Atlanta thing.
SARAH ON JOE
“Full disclosure, Joe and I made out once. And this roast is going to end the same way, with me on top doing all the work, while he cries and says this never happens.”
“Making out with Joe was a lot like being a Duggar sister. I’m touched but I’m also embarrassed it happened.”
“Joe was adopted and he writes about it in all of his pilots. And just like him, they were never picked up either.”
Sarah actually got away with a double joke somewhere but it didn’t matter. She had more land than Joe and she took the win. It really was the cutest battle we’ve ever had.
A solid ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? is where this landed on the FE scale!
And that’s it. That concludes the Dirty Dozen. Next week the show heads to the Just For Laughs festival in Montreal for the Roastmaster’s Invitational. As I will not be making the show, I may try to throw in some analysis if they Periscope it. But other than that we’ll be here at the Report for the Roasties. See you next week, folks.
This could have gone to Olivia’s comeback on Ashley or anything Whitney Cummings said but for the winner has to be Mike Lawrence.
JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“She’s such a starfucker. When you got molested you were looking around to see if anyone more famous could molest you.”
I am 43-24 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.