THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! That’s what Dave Chappelle is yelling in this photo. This is probably the third or fourth Roast Battle that Dave has been a part of and he did not disappoint. What I love most about this show is that it lets some of these all-time great comedians let their hair down and be themselves. Dave repeatedly complimented others’ jokes, made fun of himself and then roasted the audience and the show.
“I’ll take two seasons of Chappelle Show over twelve seasons of Roast Battle every time.” – Dave, telling it like it is
You see Steve Rannazzisi up there? He’s had…an interesting fourth quarter. I wondered if would ever return to the show and if he did…who brings it up? Welp, someone did. By someone, I mean most people who had a microphone brought it up. Best part? He laughed. He made fun of it. The show is beautifully artistic in it’s chaos. Is it a show? Is it a parade of personalities with Moses as the Grand
Dragon Marshal. Let’s just get to the m’fn action. Special thanks to Brian Moreno for helping us out with pics. Thanks to Moses. Also to LA SpeedWeed for being LA SpeedWeed. Get your rec today!
Sorry this took so long but it’s the gd holidays and ya boy was driving up and down California in the name of the holidays and the Oakland Raiders.
“This is like Rufio versus Roofie purchaser.” – Keith Carey, (5-2, 6)
Everyone thank Keith for telling the only joke of the round. Ok, that’s not fair. Kyle had a pop or two. His biggest moment came when he made the joke we al wanted to about Steve.
JOHN ON KYLE
“John opened for Daniel Tosh once. Not his comedy, his butthole.”
“John is a horrible comedian. His last show was so tragic Steve Rannazzis lied about escaping it.”
Moses only scheduled this battle so we could sacrifice a comedy noob and he could make the 9/11 joke. Kyle, as Steve stated, was a disaster.
KYLE ON JOHN
“Kyle lost a lot of weight. It’s just a shame you look like Andy Samberg ate Seth Rogen.”
“Kyle loves the nineties. Which makes sense because his comedy is a s tragic as Kurt Cobain blowing his brains out.”
Ugh. Just goes to show you don’t have to win the battle to win the battle. You just have to win the crowd.
? / ? ? ?! This battle was a 9/11 joke away from registering on the Poo Scale. ?!
In the second undercard, Timika Hall fell to Michael Schirtzer!
Interracial? Intergender? This battle had everything. Except for jokes. These two are likeable enough but this crowd doesn’t want likeable. They want blood. Michael, of course, had to show off his freestyle skills before the battle. It did not go well and was the rap equivalent of cold oatmeal.
“That was great Planned Parenthood commercial.” – Sarah Tiana, with the only joke she’s ever landed as a judge.
Schirtz dog had a good joke in the intros but failed to keep that momentum going.
MICHAEL ON TIMIKA
“Timika has a tattoo of Wonder Woman. Makes sense; people look at her face wonder if she’s a woman.”
“Timika is so black her pussy tastes like an eviction notice from a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.
You know what? Schirtz had a better showing than I thought. TImika was so bad it made me think the whole thing sucked.
TIMIKA ON MICHAEL
“Michael almost lost his virginity at Disneyland. But his date was too short for the ride.”
“I like to call Michael, “The Danish Boy”, because he’s trying to grow facial hair like a transgender.”
Not since those two San Diego battlers created the Poo Scale have there been such minimal reaction to jokes. Best of luck next time TImika!
? ? / ? ? ?!
In the third undercard, Keith Reza and Mike Citera both lost!
“I thought Olivia Grace wasn’t allowed to battle anymore?” – Connor McSpadden, newest Hater
“He looks like Ellen Degeneres ate a shittier Ellen Degeneres.” – Keith Carey
Tough start for Keith from the Haters. Keith is normally great but there was something off. There’s actually always something off with him but it was extra off Tuesday night. His extra long setups lacked the punch they usually provide. Mike might have had a case for him being victorious after his first joke but it was all downhill from there.
KEITH ON MIKE
“Mike called me earlier today and he’s like ‘I need to talk to your dad’ and I was like why’. He said ‘I need to apologize for making fun of you for being autistic’. So I was like ‘hey dad, mike wants to make an appointment so you can touch him again.”
“Mike was telling me about his girlfriend last night, how he was at her place in his diaper and he was in lingerie. She said ‘you can tie me up and do whatever you want’. So he tied her up and played video games.”
MIKE ON KEITH
“I’m gonna take the high road, I’m not gonna call Keith retarded. I will say, he made a basketball shot and it made national news.”
“Keith, you look like the kid from Two and Half Men if Charlie Sheen gave him two and half pints.”
Yikes. Good thing he didn’t have to take a loss in this. It ended with Moses shuffling the battlers off the stage. The Haterz were the winners and that’s just fine.
? ? ? / ? ? ?! Loving this new scale!
In the fourth undercard, Evan Cassidy wasn’t able to overcome Nick Petrillo!
This battle had a lot of pressure on it. The first three were decent at best. Evan showed up wearing the same thing he’s worn for every Roast Battle. Nick had get back to a shady auto body shop right after the battle. You could tell these two were friends and it helped the battle. Some jokes didn’t hit as hard but the friend chem kept this battle alive.
EVAN ON NICK
“Nick looks like if Snooki’s fetus survived the abortion.”
“Nick is such a dirty guido, when the doctor delivered him, he came with a side of breadsticks.”
“Nick has a felony and former crack habit. He’s one weave away from being my girlfriend.”
The Snooki joke needed a little more from the crowd but they were already on Nick’s side.
NICK ON EVAN
“Evan looks like Louie Hepatitis C.K.”
“Evan just got a powder blue Prius, to prepare for his role in The Fast and Bi-Curious.”
“Evan dated a girl from Kenya, just so he could say his AIDS were locally sourced.”
The battle went to a joke-off. After Nick’s bombed, Dave tried to hype up Evan but it was for naught. Evan dropped a dud and Nick won almost by default.
? ? / ? ? ?!
In the first tourney undercard of the evening Hormoz Rashidi was eliminated by Pat Barker!
You’re right Hormoz, this can be stressful. He’s the last door guy! At least the Raiders won last week. Pat was so good the camera in the corner didn’t even want to look at Hormoz. Hormoz first joke was a little too dark for this crowd. I say “this crowd” because on any other night a “dead dad” joke would crush.
HORMOZ ON PAT
“Pat takes after his father. And by that I mean, he’s gonna die from a heart attack.”
“Pat’s wife is trying to get pregnant. As soon as she can find a way to safely leave Pat.”
Mrs. Barker, an angel, has to be the most insulted significant other in Roast Battle. All she’s done is bone Pat so no one else has to and he doesn’t murder innocents. How about a hand? Now back to jokes.
PAT ON HORMOZ
“Hormoz was just named one of the Top Ten Comics to Watch by home land security.”
“Hormoz’ career has been stuck at ground zero for so long, it built a mosque there.”
Pat wins. Hormoz is gone. And I can’t pick the tournament that I helped organize. Ugh.
? ? / ? ? ?!
In the final undercard, Pete C was edged out by Joe Dosch!
I did my best to ensure there would be minimal rematches. This is the first one in Roast Battle history! The friend chem was off the charts. Ari Shaffir said it was the best he’d ever seen and in the moment, I disagreed. But listening back to it, every joke in regulation hit. Pete always has excellent battles despite not being a comedian. And Joe is such a great battler, he seems to bring out the best in whoever battles him.
PETE ON JOE
“Joe’s face looks like one of those pictures where you turn it upside down and it’s still a face.”
“Joe’s done a lot of modeling. You may recognize him as the default Wii character.”
“Joe and I both have grinders. I use mine to break up weed and he uses his to break up marriages.”
“There’s been a lot of domestic violence allegations towards me. Joe will never have to worry about that because no one will ever believe he overpowered a woman.”
The first joke took a while for the crowd to get it but it ended up being one of the best of the night. Pete had some impressive joke-writing. Better than I could do. Joe is just too good. One of my favorite moments is when Joe called Pete a drunk because he forgot it was his turn. Pete even used the same exact Rannazzisi/9-11 joke form earlier, unintentionally for sure, and it still hit. Because fuck liars right? Love you Steve. Can’t wait for your “The League” spinoff where you draft new career options.
JOE ON PETE
“Pete is learning Photoshop so he can forge his name on his son’s Father’s Day card.”
“Pete, the only way I could be gayer is if I had your goatee around my asshole.”
“Pete should have lost to Kim Congdon. I guess you can only beat women when you’re married to them.”
“Pete, you look like you gambled away an RV dealership.”
Oh shit. This hasn’t happened in a while. It was so close that we determined a joke-off was needed. After that couldn’t produce a winner, Moses suggested the battlers roast someone from the crowd. And who stepped up to the plate? The GOAT, Dave Chappelle. How awesome is that? Volunteering himself to be made fun of in front of everyone for the sake of the show. Dave requested that this not be filmed so Jay shut down the Periscope. You’re about to read the only known record of this landmark event.
ROASTERS ON DAVE
“To be fair, Pete has written a lot of my jokes and I haven’t given him credit. He’s like my Neal Brennan.” – Joe
“Ask Neal about that joke.” – Dave
“Dave’s mouth has so little hair around it, Joe tried to swipe right on it on Grindr.” – Pete C
“That just makes me feel bad about my mouth.” – Dave
“A lot of people have been making fun of my drinking problem but I think Dave can agree, Black Livers Matter.” – Pete C
“I just want to vote for the gay nigga.” – Dave
“Yea, it’s called the Paul Mooney affect.” – Joe
Joe got a huge reaction after that last one and it sealed the win. Had it not gone to the joke-off or the Roast of Dave Chappelle, Pete would’ve continued his unlikely dominance in the tournament. Good luck in the next round Joe!
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
New format for this. I’m gonna list my favorites and note if any one else, such as a judge or Moses, really liked the joke. There’s just too many good jokes.
“Joe’s face looks like one of those pictures where you turn it upside down and it’s still a face.” – Pete C on Joe Dosch
“Pete, you look like you gambled away an RV dealership.” – Joe on Pete. Dave marveled at the accuracy of this joke.
“Pete is learning Photoshop so he can forge his name on his son’s Father’s Day card.” – Joe on Pete
“Hormoz’ career has been stuck at ground zero for so long, it built a mosque there.” – Pat Barker on Hormoz Rashidi
“Evan dated a girl from Kenya, just so he could say his AIDS were locally sourced.” – Nick Petrillo on Evan Cassidy
Any Rannazzisi joke involving 9/11.
“Can jet fuel melt season three?” – Connor McSpadden. Dave called this joke brilliant.
I am 77-47 in picks and my new tourney bracket is dunzo. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.