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by Keith Carey

Before we get into previewing tonight’s action at Roast Battle, there’s a couple of very cool things that bear mentioning. First of
all, Roast Battle’s TV premiere is only a couple of weeks away! Comedy Central
started airing the first commercial for the show, so if you want to see some of
your Battle favorites screaming and sweating, check it out! 

Second, the second
annual Roastie Awards are coming up very soon! Send us your nominees for the
following categories, and honor the brave comedians who get stabbed in the
feelings every week for your dark enjoyment: 

UNDERCARD OF
THE YEAR

ROOKIE OF
THE YEAR

COMEBACK OF
THE YEAR

JUDGE OF THE
YEAR

BATTLE OF
THE YEAR

BATTLER OF
THE YEAR

JOKE OF THE
YEAR

CRAZIEST
MOMENT

UPSET OF THE
YEAR

Lastly, on a
personal note, thanks to everybody who said such nice things about my fight
with Pat Barker last week. It was an honor to burn the room down with one of
the greats, and I sincerely pity whoever has to follow in our footsteps. Speaking of
which, let’s get into the preview and meet our judges!

The
Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross, returns to his rightful place as the
head of the firing squad tonight. He’ll be dispensing so much wisdom and laughter, you’ll forget to
wonder how many different Panama hats he’s been stashing away for this phase of his career. Rick Ingraham
will also be sitting in judgement of tonight’s fights. Rick is a remarkably
talented comic, and according to his Twitter bio, a diabetic. Hopefully he can
give the show a shot in the arm without having to give himself a shot in the
stomach. Our third judge is a mystery guest! Who will it be: Dave Chappelle?
Louis CK? Theo Von smoking too much weed and saying the n-word again? You’ll
have to show up to find out!

Our first
undercard pits Alfred B. Konuwa III (1-1, Unranked) against Tim Justin Groeschel (1-2, Unranked)!

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This should
be a fun one. Alfred has style, is a likable guy, and has such charm you almost
don’t notice that his blazer in that picture is some straight-up Old Navy bullshit.
Tim, pictured here moments after being asked by police to leave a Hometown
Buffet, has had a spotty career in Roast Battle, but is always fun to watch.
Plus it’s nice to not be the fattest person in the room sometimes, so just let
me have this. 

Next up,
Austin Green (0-0, Unranked) takes a swing at Joey Barone (1-1, Unranked)!

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I’m not
familiar with Austin’s comedy, but based on that Miley Cyrus onesie I both
respect him and want to punch him in the face. Mostly I want to know if they
make it in a 3XL. Joey looks like fetal alcohol Dave Franco, but if his talent
is half as big as that mole, he’s in good shape tonight.

We go down south for the evening’s third undercard as Rusty Haynes (0-0, Unranked) faces Ryan Higgins (0-0, Unranked)!

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I don’t know if that’s Rusty’s dad or if he’s in some sort of gay “Harold & Maude” relationship, but either way it’s pretty cute. Rusty is new to the ring, but his stand-up is very funny and he’s got the potential to have an explosive debut. Ryan Higgins is something of a mystery, but he looks scary as fuck in this picture. Like the accountant for the Aryan Brotherhood. These boys are both from North Carolina, so my prediction is that they stop the battle halfway through, settle their differences, and unite to keep lady-boys out of their bathrooms.

In the last
undercard slot, Jordan Leer (0-0-1, Unranked) throws down with Will Spring (0-0, Unranked)!

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This looks
like a battle between a twink and his disappointed father. Jordan’s fought
before, and while his record is all over the map, his experience in the ring
might give him the edge tonight. I don’t know much about Will Spring, but if I
know anything, it’s that he for sure wasn’t able to afford those sunglasses.

And in a
match I’m titling “Fallen Heroine vs. Full of Heroin”, Leah Kayajanian (6-4-1, #8) goes toe
to toe with Dan Nolan (6-3, #14)!

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This has the
potential to be an all-time battle. Both of these fighters are comics who have
consistently overcome underdog status and become two of the most fearsome
fighters the show has to offer. Leah Kayajanian entered this year’s Roast
Battle tournament as a last-minute substitution, and broke everybody’s bracket
by decimating every battler she stepped into the ring with, ultimately defeating Pat
Barker at RiotLA for the title of champion. Even though she was only #1 for
about a week before Alex Hooper took back the crown, she has proven time and
again that she is not to be underestimated. She’s got the strength of an
athlete, the heart of a champion, and the body of one of those bobsled guys
from “Cool Runnings.” Dan Nolan is a relatively new comic, but you wouldn’t
know it from watching him. His outside-the-box style and trademark cadence have
served him well in classic battles with Tom Goss, Connor McSpadden, and a
shocking victory against Pat Barker. He’s coming off a recent loss, but that
should only make him hungrier for redemption. His jokes are so sharp, I’m
surprised he hasn’t tried to shoot up dope with them. Expect mayhem, kids,
because this is going to be a killer battle.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.

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