It’s Tuesday, the Hebrew holy day of Labor is behind us, and the day of roasting (secular) is upon us. We have five battles that are going to knock the dust off your trousers. Presiding over the carnage to come will be the judges.

Every week some of the best comedians in the world find their way to the Comedy Store Belly Room to pass along sage wisdom and cutting judgement. This week we have Jena Friedman, a comedy veteran who worked on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and wrote on The Late Show with Letterman. Jena has plenty of judging experience at Roast Battle and always brings big laughs and concrete feedback. Jena is the only confirmed judge at the moment, but as usual will be joined by more and more Roast Battle favorites as the night progresses.

Our first battle of the night pits Sara June against Jake Flores. Had this battle taken place in June, or even May or July, I could have had an absolute field day with Sara’s last name, but it’s September so I’ve got nothing and am simply fucked. Sara is an Iranian-American director and stand up comedian, with an impressive resume, and this will be her third time stepping onto the Roast Battle stage. Jake has battled once before, back in 2015 when Roast Battle went on the road to South by Southwest, and he emerged victorious. I don’t know his ethnicity. Jake boasts an impressive resume as well, and is very popular on Twitter. He’s one of those people that I don’t follow, but pops up on my feed anyway. I followed him after typing this because I felt bad, but then unfollowed him because he has a lot of followers and I felt emotionally manipulated. He has to follow me first. Anyway, I hope Jake wins because I couldn’t do any jokes regarding Sara’s last name.

The next battle of the night features Drew Landry versus Maxi Witrak. If one of their names had been February, I would be dead right now, but fortunately my crucifixion is over (when I wrote this, there was another battle before this one involving someone with a name that’s a month, and I continued the bit. That battle is no longer happening, but I need the word count. Just know that this joke used to be stronger). This battle is a double virgin suicide. That’s colloquial, it won’t be as hot as it sounds. On Facebook, Drew said he’s battling his best bud. A less progressive person might suggest that that’s some friend zone shit, but I know the friend zone is a sexist construct that propagates the idea that a woman’s value is in her vagina and not her mind. Lots of dudes are very content being great friends with women who are much hotter than them. I’m not, but that’s just because I think women are boring to hang out with and their interests suck. Anyway, Roast Battle, these two are both strong stand ups, but will it translate to Roast Battle? We can’t be certain until tonight, the only thing certain is that of the two, I only want to be friends with Drew.

Up next, Nate Welch takes on Bear Badeaux. Nate has never battled and Bear’s last battle ended in a double loss, so this one should suck, but I have such a sunny disposition that i think it has the makings of a great battle. No, I mean it, well kind of. I don’t know shit about Nate, but Bear’s last battle was a misstep in an otherwise well developing Roast Battle tenure. Bear is battling every month and typically showing improvement, and will likely be very eager to show it after the dip in his last battle. Nate looks like a big scary white supremacist, but he’s got a profile picture with a black dude. This battle has a high ceiling, and a low floor, let’s hope they reach their hands up, praise Christ and touch that ceiling.

Our final undercard of the night is a last-minute high power battle between Kelsey Lane and Jay Light. Kelsey had a battle scheduled for today, that was cancelled at the last minute. She went searching for another battle same day and found one, then they cancelled. Third time’s a charm and Jay rose from the ashes of Kelsey’s broken promises like a big lipped phoenix. Imagine a big lipped phoenix, hilarious. I can’t really write anything mean about these two because they both write for the roast report, and if I zing them now, they might be reporting when I’m battling in the future and zing me back, and I really don’t think I could handle that. Fortunately, I have nothing bad to say about either of them. Saying I can’t write anything mean is just to make them doubt my kind words, it’s sort of a test of friendship and trust. I like to test my friends and not tell them. Anyway, this should be a phenomenal battle. Kelsey has been a wrecking ball lately, putting together a string of really great battles. Jay has one of the most prestigious records in the game, he’s battled all the top battlers, beating many, done the tv show, it goes on and on. This should be a phenomenal battle in spite of the last minute arrangement.

In our main event tonight Tom Whalen takes on Quentin Thomas. For two straight white guys, these two couldn’t be more different. Tom is a high energy fat guy, and Quentin is a low energy skinny tall guy. Quentin tried to kill himself because he hates life, Tom will accidentally kill himself because he loves life (Life = cocaine + cupcakes). It’ll be a clash of styles, which always has the potential of a bludgeoning. Both of these guys are great roast battlers though, and strongly enough rooted in their on stage personas that I don’t expect either to solely win the crowd over. Instead, we should see a strong back and forth, that will be won or lost in the minutia. That’s all meaningless jabber, but I think it’s going to be a great battle. Also, when I said Tom does cocaine, that’s just because of his personality. Quentin has been a low-key beast in the roast battle arena, netting win after win. Tom is a rising star, recently winning a Most Improved Battler Roastie. This isn’t like little league where everyone gets a trophy, and most improved goes to the kid who isn’t good at anything. The vast majority of people who participate in Roast Battle don’t win Roasties, and Tom should be very proud that he’s the best roast battler who sucked a year ago. Will Quentin calmly dismantle another victim? Or will Tom win sweatily? Find out tonight.

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