by Josh Waldron
Star-studded VIP tonight. You have Jimmy Kimmel, who has probably the best late night show on TV. Joe Rogan, one of the funniest comedians working right now and with one of the most successful podcasts on iTunes. Dane Cook, who a decade ago was very popular and is still coasting off of that. And, of course, Bobby Lee, who may or may not be one of four other Asian comedians. This is the drawing power of Roast Battle. There were multiple times that each one was blown away by the quality of the show. Three of the five are at the top of their craft and yet they sat in awe of our little roast and pony show. All made possible by the Comedy Store and Adam Eget, that head that’s stuck in between Jimmy and Jeff. We spend all kinds of time thanking him and the Store for facilitating this but it’ll never be enough. If you get a chance, try to thank him. If he walks by and casually ignores it, just know it means you’re not good enough. On to the battles!
The first match of the night sets the tone for a great evening as Olivia Grace (5-2-1, #16) notches a W against Leah Kayajanian (6-4-1, #3)!
The show starts before the show even starts Moses introduces the judges and Dane reminds us all of his yesteryear fame.
“He sold out Madison Square Garden back in, I don’t know when…all the way from 2007, make it loud for Dane Cook!” – Brian Moses
“I sold it out four times, in the round. That’s a complete sell-out.” – clarifies Dane and ironically describing himself.
“Yea but you’re counting on him to do math.” – Earl Skakel about Moses.
After meeting tonight’s firing squad, Moses brings up Leah and her tramp stamp to a Foo Fighters song. Then it’s time for “Child of Chucky” Olivia Grace to come out, and she comes out swinging.
“Olivia and I used to date. I’m twenty-seven years older than her, which is not creepy until you realize when I was twenty-five she was negative two.” – Earl
“Earl, I’m so excited to see you battle tonight. Normally when I see you battle, it’s against your own sexuality.” – Olivia
“Well, I see you battling her waistline but I didn’t say anything.” – Earl
Jeff Ross tries to wrangle in the action, but can’t help but sneak in a zing.
“Look at these two Moses; I didn’t know Hot Topic had a softball team.” – Jeff Ross
Obviously, Leah is team captain and Olivia is a rare five-tool player. Unfortunately, all those tools will be used in her eventual suicide. Geez, all this fire and the first battle hasn’t even started yet! Jeff declares that Leah open the match, and we’re off:
LEAH ON OLIVIA
“You look like the hottest waitress in the North Dakota Denny’s.”
“I wish my nose were smaller. Then I wouldn’t know you smell like jizz and turkey legs.”
“Olivia’s vagina is so stretched out; it doesn’t queef, it coughs.”
“Olivia reminds me of the sitcom ‘Roseanne’. I think it’s because she has Darlene’s voice and John Goodman’s shirts.”
Leah is one of the most consistent battlers we have. However, her first joke gets very little response and Olivia’s first was a comeback the gets the room the first official in-battle pop. From then on, it’s haymaker after haymaker from both battlers.
OLIVIA ON LEAH
“Leah’s making fun of my face because she’s just jealous my face has more foundation than the house that fell on her sister.”
“Leah would show you her Foo Fighters tramp stamp but it takes too long to shave her back hair.”
“Leah’s face is so beat up because birds keep flying into it thinking it’s their reflection.”
“Leah’s brother killed himself, which explains why her tits are always at half-mast.”
Olivia’s last joke inspires Coach Tea to play “Taps” in honor of the fallen Kayajanians, both Leah and her brother. Jeff pops in one more bit before the judging takes place:
“It’s amazing the rage that two women have after a lifetime of buying their own drinks.” – Jeff Ross
“Roastmaster” chant: engage. Bobby gives it to Olivia due to her joke about Leah’s brother making him cry on the inside. Dane hands it to Olivia, despite praising Leah’s ability to recover from an opening stinker. Joe Rogan’s vote doesn’t matter but he sides with Olivia due to her beating Leah on the “Oh Shit” meter. Olivia gets the clean sweep from judges and the first win of the night.
In one of the finest comedic showcases the Belly Room has ever hosted, Keith Carey (9-5, #2) edges out Joe Dosch (8-5-1, #7)!
“This is what gay music sounds like. No wonder they couldn’t hear the gun shots.”
That was Joe landing an Orlando reference out of the gate. Nothing is off-limits, right guys? Keith waddles to the stage and tries to sneak a in a plug for his endeavors outside of roasting after Jeff asks about the relationship between the two battlers:
“We host a podcast together.” – Keith
“Don’t try to plug us, you’re embarrassing yourself.” – Joe
“You host a podcast? What’s it called, ‘WTF: Who the Fuck?’” – Jeff
“No it’s called ‘WTF: Who’s This Faggot?’” – Keith
“Comedy Central is not ready for this. They didn’t know what they signed up for, Brian!” – Rogan
Score another one for the Roastmaster. I’m always impressed when the judges and battlers get these huge, room-rocking jokes. It’s all in flow of the show and off the top of their heads. Kudos, boys. Joe gets in a pre-battle zing, one he maybe should have saved for regulation.
“Moses, I’m wearing my turtleneck tonight because I’m jealous Keith can grow one of his own.”
Moses will not be denied either.
“This is like top versus rock bottom.”
But the Roastmaster got the last word.
“This is the Kool-Aid guy versus the cool guy with AIDS.”
After all that, we start the fight.
JOE ON KEITH
“Keith just started dating again. His type is two diabetes.”
“Keith, you like a jack-o-lantern that ate last year’s jack-o-lantern.”
“Keith is bisexual, and the reason he won’t get AIDS is his white cells are Double Stuf.”
“Keith’s mom sent him to an exorcism for looking at gay porn. Turns out he was just jacking off to sausages being made.”
KEITH ON JOE
“Joe’s look makes a statement, and that statement is ‘I am a haunted mannequin’.
“Joe has a hard time giving head because every time he opens his mouth, a Pez comes out.”
“Joe is so pretentious, he asks his Grindr dates to Grey Poupon his chest.”
“I was excited when I heard Joe did drag until I realized it wasn’t behind a pickup truck.”
After a few jabs from Jeff Ross, the judging starts. Joe Rogan votes for Keith. Bobby Lee declares it a draw and Dane mistakenly attributes the “Double Stuf” joke to Keith. After correcting it, his vote switches to Joe. That leaves us with a split decision from the judges. The crowd hungrily chants for one more joke.
“Keith’s mom is a crack addict who married a Nazi and sent Keith to an exorcism. She’s H.P. Courtney Lovecraft.”
“Joe and my mom are both disgusting alcoholics. The only difference is one funny thing came out of my mom.”
Joe’s joke makes fun of Keith’s mom more than it does Keith, and Keith uncorks a comeback the sends the room into a frenzy. Joe Rogan states the obvious – that a vote is unnecessary – and Keith is victorious.
The third fight of the night finds Sarah Tiana (5-0, #1HR) dominating George Perez (4-3, Unranked)!
In a questionable decision, Sarah saunters to stage in a vest and displays her arms to be bigger than George’s prison-chiseled guns. But this fact and the appearance of a midget Donald Trump would not deter her from another stellar outing in Roast Battle. George tries and fails to roast Earl, and Jeff reveals a little about George’s past:
“If you don’t know George, he’s come a long way. He’s the guy who shot someone on the patio last year.”
After a few more jabs at George from the judges, the battle starts. George’s debut joke is great, but the quality of the rest of his jokes trails off for the rest of the battle. Sarah’s opener drags on a bit, but she is the more consistent battler throughout the fight.
SARAH ON GEORGE
“George is an avid Nintendo collector, which makes sense because when I look at you I think ‘plumber’ and ‘works for mushrooms’. What I don’t think of is ‘controller’ because those actually had As and Bs.”
“Wow George, you’re such a natural up here. You know where all the cameras are. I guess you know that from years of shoplifting.”
“George has four kids from four different women which makes sense. Because when I think ‘Mexican’, I think ‘able to handle 4x4s’.”
“George is no stranger to stereotypes because he’s stolen Sonys, Samsungs, JVCs…”
GEORGE ON SARAH
“Sarah used to be a worker at the hotel ‘Four Seasons’. Too bad none of her show made it four seasons.”
“Sarah is like a piñata. You gotta be blindfolded before you hit it.”
“Speaking of kids, you would have kids but your pussy is so nasty they make you eat it on Joe Rogan’s ‘Fear Factor’.”
“You’re comedy is like Mohammed Ali. It’s about sports, it’s shaky at first and then it dies at the end.”
All three judges vote for Sarah to win. Jeff Ross labels George a Cuban dentist, and Dane wonders if he’s previously played as George in a Grand Theft Auto. Probably a mission involving those cars that bounce around on hydraulics. In a classy move, George expresses his gratitude for being on the show and appreciation for Sarah and the two walk off as friends. We only roast the ones we love!
After a controversial finish, Alex Hooper (9-2, #1) finishes off Guy Branum (3-1, #2HR) and becomes the first standard roaster to topple a headliner!
This has to be the least attractive battle in Roast Battle history. At least Guy wasn’t dripping with sweat before the battle started this time around! Alex, one of our most seasoned battlers, comes to stage with an entrance planned. He shows up wearing a mask and has two masked assistants flanking him. Right as he gets to the stage, the assistants remove his mask and reveal his trademark goofy face. Moses promptly requests he put it back on and Jeff roasts Alex immediately.
“Moses, this is like Jim Henson’s rough draft.”
The tension between the two is palpable right away and that’s something that carries on through the battle.
ALEX ON GUY
“Guy grew up on a farm. I don’t know what disappointed your parents more; when you came out of the closet or when you stopped producing milk.”
“Thank you, Ralphie Gay. Guy doesn’t shower. He gets Zamboni’d.”
“Thank you, Fatton Oswalt. Guy auditioned to play Sloth in The Goonies but they thought he looked too retarded.”
“Thank you, Blob Faggot. If Buffalo Bill abducted Guy, he wouldn’t make a skin suit. It would be an AIDS quilt.”
Both battlers have excellent jokes and different ways to get in more than one joke per turn. Alex starts each joke with a mini-joke to which is something I remember Greg Giraldo doing in his roasting glory days. Guy tries to recreate his magical moment against Dan St. Germain with his final joke, something with which Alex takes issue.
GUY ON ALEX
“You guys, I really identify with the victims in Orlando because every time Alex walks into a club, I end up the a bathroom, cowering and praying it will all be over.”
“Yes Alex, I am fat. But I can lose weight. You can’t lose chromosomes.”
“I have never met a woman that Alex Hooper has had sex with because they are all still showering.”
“Alex, you like Bakersfield came to life. You look like the mayor of date rape. You look like the emoji for meth. You look like the first lesbian. You look like Murray Feldman’s dick came to life. You look like you’re not entirely done evolving. You look like your hair is broken.”
Hoop tries to interrupt Guy’s last barrage and lands a counterpunch in the process:
“Guy, you wish you had my hair because when guys ride you they have to grab onto your neck fat.”
Joe Rogan wants one more joke and Jeff Ross gives him one:
“Guy, if you were in that bar in Orlando, it would be one guy shot fifty times.”
Bobby Lee and Joe Rogan vote for Alex for his “Blob Faggot” and “neck fat” jokes, respectively. Dane calls out Alex for stepping on Guy’s last joke, but praises Alex’s joke that he lands outside of regulation, voting for him as well. Jeff deducts a point from Alex for infringing upon Guy’s last bit but still attempts to give him the win. Joe and the crowd want one more joke so they get it.
“There’s only two things astronauts can see from space: the Great Wall of China, and Guy’s giant cum-soaked head.”
“Alex, how stupid are you that you didn’t ask me how much cum did I have to swallow to get this fat?”
Alex’s joke is decent and Guy’s joke is more of a question. Jeff starts a “one less joke” chant and the match ends how it should have; with an Alex Hooper victory.
And in the final battle of the night,
Daddy Earl Skakel (5-1-1, #8) showed why he is irreplaceable and decimated Jesse Joyce (1-1, #7HR)!
No one could have expected how lopsided this battle would be. Jesse has the credits. He’s written for every single Comedy Central Roast. But Earl has this room eating out of the palm of hand every week, and that’s hard to overcome. It’s even more difficult when your jokes are wordy as fuck. One of Jesse’s jokes might still be going. Earl nails his intro yet again. Coach Tea plays him up with some Scottish bagpipes, He has on a robe and a hat to take off, showing off his impressive body and forehead. He also lays the smackdown on half of the Negro Wave. Jesse shares his opinion on Earl’s arrival:
“That’s the kind of theatrics one does when they don’t write jokes,”
Well geez, Jesse. Maybe bring some theatrics next time? After a bit of a back and forth with Jeff, Earl and Jesse get in a couple swings before the bell.
“Oh shit, I forgot my jokes.” – Earl
“Don’t worry, so will they.” – Jesse
“Let me shit on that piece of paper so there’s something funny on it.” – Earl
The last line inspires a “Let’s Go Earl” from Joe Rogan. Jesse has an uphill battle. Earl insists that Jesse go first.
“He’s the big pro, he should first!” – Earl
“I’ll open for Rob Schneider’s opener, sure.” – Jesse
JESSE ON EARL
“Earl was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and he’s gonna die with Rob Schneider’s dick in it. Listen, if you’re gonna suck somebody’s dick to get ahead in show business, maybe you shouldn’t pick a guy who’s sucking someone’s dick to get ahead in show business.”
“Earl’s grandparents, his uncle and his cousin all died in plane crashes. So many of Earl’s family members have died in plane crashes, his family tree is on fire and filled with luggage. If you ask Earl to pick you up at the airport, he doesn’t go to baggage claim, he goes straight to the fucking cemetery.”
“Earl’s uncle Bobby Kennedy was killed one night when he got off stage in LA and he was walking through the kitchen, but that never happened to Earl. When he gets off stage, the kitchen’s always closed. And besides, the only sad loner who will blow Earl’s head off will be Earl.”
“Earl’s parents died twenty years ago, and if they came back to life and you showed them his resume, they wouldn’t know any time had passed.”
EARL ON JESSE
“Jesus, that joke lasted longer than his first marriage!”
“Listen, I’m nervous. Jesse is Comedy Central’s number one roast writer and his jokes kill…Greg Giraldo.”
“Jesse, your comedy is like a Bill Cosby drink. Boring, long and two hours later, people wonder ‘what the fuck just happened?’
“Jesse, what’s with the earring, dude? You’re so far back in the closet, I gotta give you to Goodwill tomorrow.”
Jesse had two problems. One, he writes like he’s roasting the dais, not a battler. TV roasts are a far different beast than a battle in the Belly Room. Two, as Jeff states early on, this is Earl’s room. He knows how to battle and how to play the whole crowd. Earl schools Jesse both in regulation, and even outside of the jokes he’d written. Plus, it was a little strange that Jesse complains about Earl bringing up dead loved ones immediately after he brought up Earl’s dead loved ones. The judges all gave it to Earl, and Jeff praises Earl and Jesse alike, proving once and for all the he is the Paula Abdul of Roast Battle judges. It ends in the best way possible: an Earl win and Jimmy Kimmel announcing that he would take Earl from Rob Schneider. You deserve it, daddy. After a bit more praise for the show from the judges, the show signs off with Earl as the night’s biggest winner.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live onn Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.