An announcement was made Tuesday night that Roast battle is going beyond not only the boundaries of the Belly Room, but of these United States. That’s right. With the help of Jimmy Carr, one of the night’s judges, Roast Battle is going global, starting with the UK. Where will our misfit, underground show go next? It’s an ever-growing enterprise and we are at it’s core. This particular night in the Belly Room starts out slow, with a low energy crowd after about 45 minutes of stand-up, but the battlers hope to light a fire under them.
The first brave souls to take the stage are Dave Gregory and Michelle Stevenson, who Brian Moses refers to as “Mary” through the whole introduction. Classic Moses. The battle starts off slow and the first two jokes get light reactions from the crowd, but as soon as Dave’s dick is mentioned.
“Dave sent me a dick pic once. His dick is so dark and tragic, it has the same reviews as twelve years a slave.”
“Michelle’s mother is a MILF. Sometimes the apple falls really far from the tree.”
“David, you look like you could be a backyard wrestler, which is weird because your family looks like they never owned a backyard.”
“Michelle opens up for a lot of comedians on the road, but they still won’t let her do comedy.”
Honestly, I know Dave pretty well and I’m very surprised he only sent her a dick pic once. Michelle put up a good fight, especially for a first-time battler, but Dave takes the win with a killer MILF joke and consistency. The judges and Moses continue to refer to Michelle as Mary through the judging process because they thoroughly paid attention to the battle, clearly. It’s not easy being the first battle of the night and these two did a fine job.
Jeff Ross and Jimmy Carr join the VIP section in time for the second battle of the night, Daniel Moquin versus Ashley Johnson. The judges take a few stabs at the battlers and pick Ashley to kick off the battle.
“Daniel is French Canadian, so he’s used to his parents calling him a faggot in two languages.”
“Ashley’s a bit racially ambiguous. He grew up in the woods of Virginia where his father was a white share-cropper and his mother was a grizzly bear.”
“That’s pretty good coming from a guy who molests black kids just to prove he’s not a racist.”
“Ashley’s got one real brother, he’s got two step brothers, and fourteen other brothers that he likes to burn crosses with on the weekend.”
“Daniel looks like the kind of guy that leaves a bad yelp review for the prostitutes he strangles at night.”
“Somehow, somehow Ashley is only responsible for one abortion in his life. Just one. The rest of his kids can be found cold and naked beneath the crawl space of his trailer.”
Both had decent jokes, but Daniel’s slow, polite delivery doesn’t resonate with the audience as well. The Saudi Prince walks in as the battle ends.
“It looks like a lesbian versus a reverse lesbian.” – Saudi Prince
“Is that a sexual position?” – Brian Moses
The Judges unanimously pick Ashley to win and the audience agrees giving him his second victory.
Next, Mary Basmadijan takes the stage to battle Movses Shakarian.
“You look like a Kardashian Megazord.” – Mike Lawrence
“I like the whole vintage goth look. You’re like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday Addams.” – Jeff Ross
“Are you gonna be using Ariel’s voice tonight.” – Mike Lawrence
The judges are on a roll and Movses hopes to ride that energy, stepping up to take the first shot.
“Mary likes to eat her feelings… and your feelings, and your feelings.”
“They taste better than your ass, bitch.”
“You would know cuz you’re kissing it all the god damn time.”
“Movses, you’re broke, you’re a lawyer, and you’re Armenian. Get your shit together! That’s right, you can’t. You got irritable bowel syndrome.”
“That’s alright. At least when I’m shitting, I’m not doing it on stage.”
“I’m not doing it on stage. I’m doing it on your husband’s dick.”
“Mary’s so fat, she couldn’t fit into her mother’s life.”
“Movses is losing his hair, but he can’t shave it all off cuz he’ll look like a cheap dildo.”
“Mary only gets laid every leap year, cuz it takes four years to find her pussy.”
“Movses got his tummy tucked a few years ago but they fucked up and tucked his balls instead.”
“Mary used to work at an eating disorder clinic… as a scare tactic.”
The banter and energy in this battle lights the room up. Clearly these two are very close which makes for a great battle, but Mary’s jokes just aren’t on the same level. Movses nails his second battle in a row making him 2-0. We may have to watch out for this one in the future.
In the final undercard of the night, Nicole Aimee Schreiber gets ready to battle Tre Stewart. Nicole walks on stage waving around a black dildo, because why the fuck not?
“I heard Tre likes eating ass so I figured once I’m done fucking him, he can taste his own”
“Wait, you bought that dildo for that joke?” – Mike Lawrence
Sure, Mike. It’s for the joke. Bless your heart.
Tre takes the stage and announces this won’t be the first time Nicole has been fucked by a black guy and the battle commences.
“Yeah Tre, I fuck a lot of black guys, but my pussy’s still tighter than all your punchlines.”
“She’s just mad I’m the only black guy that won’t fuck her. It’s true she fucks a lot of black guys and oh, here’s a true fact. If you put your ear up to her pussy, you can actually hear The Wave smash.”
“Tre, you boring motherfucker, writing jokes for you was so painful, at one point I actually said out loud, ‘God, I wish he would’ve raped that girl at The Comedy Store’”
“You’re so lonely and single. I don’t know what’s smaller, your tithes or your list of emergency contacts.”
“The only thing underdeveloped on this stage are your jokes. What was I gonna say? Oh yeah. Good one Denzel White-washed-ington. You’re so white washed, you toast to All Lives Matter.”
“Nicole stopped taking birth control and switched to a better version of birth control called her personality.”
The judges know they can get more out of these two battlers. While the jokes were good, it isn’t what we’re used to from Nicole and Tre. Omid requests another joke and the audience pushes for overtime.
“Nicole’s vagina is like our hometown of Detroit. They’ve both been torn apart by black people.”
“Tre, you broke piece of shit. A lot of people think Tre is looking around the room for the most important person, but that’s just because he’s afraid he’s gonna miss his bus.”
Two solid jokes end the match. While I don’t understand why Nicole would be roasted for fucking black guys (it’s great, everyone should do it), Tre’s joke hits harder and he takes the win, but Nicole has a dildo to go home with, so they both win.
The judges are excited for the next battle, but expectations aren’t met. John-Michael Bond and Danielle Perez are both killers in the Belly Room, but tonight something didn’t click. It starts off promising as Coach Tea plays Danielle up the “The Wheels on the Bus” while she rolls herself onto the stage.
“Think of what you’re saving on pedicures. C’mon, cheer up.” – Jimmy Carr
John-Michael, who Jimmy refers to as “strawberry disgusting man,” starts off the battle.
“Danielle’s spirit animal is a Jeep. She has four wheels and a soft top and can comfortably fit five guys and a dog inside of her.”
“That is rich coming from a guy who looks like he gets paid to perform at Honey Baked Hams. John-Michael Bond, you look like the guy who’s in charge of snacks at the White Lives Matter rally.”
“Danielle, every time I see you walking down the- oh, I’m sorry- every time I see you going down the street, I just think it’s homeless person who stole a beanbag and put it in their shopping cart.”
“John-Michael was molested by a life guard, which was really hard for all the kids who drowned.”
John-Michael tries to figure out this joke out loud, which in retrospect is probably where everything started going downhill. There is some rambling and confusing banter and then Bond attempts to continue the battle.
“How about this? You have the confidence of a mediocre white man and the body of his dad.”
“John-Michael, I know you recently lost a lot of weight because the rope you use to hold up your pants is only three negro hangings length.”
“Danielle used to struggle with bulimia in high school, which is really inspiring cuz now all she’s known for is swallowing.”
“John-Michael, you are just such a boring white emo dude, if you have slaves you wouldn’t teach them to read, you would just teach them Weezer lyrics…look at us just failing together.”
“Danielle has fucked so many desperate open miners, her pussy has a two drink minimum.”
“John-Michael Bond is a male feminist, which means he listens to women, then rapes them.”
Coach Tea starts playing “Say Something (I’m Giving Up On You,)” a new staple for when a battle is going particularly bad.
“Danielle, why did you have that abortion? You just proved you can’t deliver anything.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. The dude looks like he was conceived at a Cracker Barrel, what do you want?”
They want the battle to end. Everyone has their bad nights and that’s just what this was. It started off decent but somewhere along the way they both lost their footing (pun intended).
“Halfway through this battle I realized how long it’s been since I called my father.” – Mike Lawrence
In the end, Danielle takes the win and now they can both forget that ever happened.
Hoping to bring back the energy in the last battle of the evening is Alex Duong and Stuart Thompson. The battle kicks off pretty quickly with Alex.
“Give it up for this Coachella Hall Monitor. Stuart spends extra time in speech therapy because he can’t let go of a good dick.”
“When Alex isn’t busy roast battling, he’s sucking algae off the side of a fish tank.”
“Stuart says he hates taking his shirt off during sex, because he’d still be wearing a sweater vest.”
“Listen, you wanna make fun of my girlfriend, that’s fine. I’d make fun of Alex’s fiancé but there’s been enough casualties in the Vietnam whore. Alex’s finance is so Vietnamese, her pussy got french tips.”
“And Stuart’s comedy reminds me of the Vietnam war. A ton of people had to sit through a bunch of shit they all regret… and some of them are homeless.”
“Alex never shops at The Container Store, cuz that’s how he got here.”
“Yeah coming from a guy who looks like he can only eat pussy with a napkin tucked in his shirt.
“Alex, you’re so white-washed, your Vietnamese name is Tilda Swinton.”
“Yeah I’d rather be white-washed than washed up. Stuart dreams of one day hosting The Tonight Show and that last joke, we’re all hoping you quit after tonight’s show, you Hamilton extra.”
“Alex has been rejected from several diversity programs in Hollywood because fuckboy isn’t a race.”
Alex has a hard time connecting during the battle and Stuart capitalized. Overall, it was a good battle but Stuart came back after his long break stronger than ever while Alex may have been a bit burnt out from a long string of battles. Stuart takes the win definitively and hopefully we can look forward to seeing him back again soon. As for Alex, he’s been on a hot streak but needs to cool down so he can come back and continue to deliver fire.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.