The Belly Room hosted a lesser crowd than usual on Tuesday night, with comics filling in some of the seats in the back of the room. However, the energy and willingness of those present made for an electric evening regardless. They were always hungry for more, and in turn the battlers gave them a show with hardly a dull moment all night. Usually, there are a couple newcomers and Tuesday night takes a little time to heat up, but not this time.

Moses brings up Lee Hurrell as a newer comic from overseas, which leads us to wonder how he’ll fair against his more seasoned opponent and countryman, Eric Lampaert. Eric takes the stage and sits confidently but his riffs fall flat for the most part. Lee is quiet during the intros and gives a one-word answer to Moses’s question.

“What do you know about Eric?”


However, once the battle is ready to begin, he steps up to take the first shot.

“Eric’s also an actor. He went for a part in Dallas Buyer’s Club, but they told him he looked like he had too much AIDS.”

This prompts the crowd to enthusiastically chant “too much AIDS!”

“You look like you NEED some AIDS.”

“Good joke, Russell Bland. Eric’s dream is to be on Conan… in an alleyway, raping him.”

“Americans famously love an underdog and Lee is a classic case of you are what you eat. By the look of your fat belly, your fat eyes, and your breathing difficulties, you ate a pug.”

Eric’s joke doesn’t land, partially due to him stumbling on his words, leaving an opening for Lee to shut him down.

“I’m eating for both of us, mate. Look at this creepy cunt. He’s killed more prostitutes than heroin. His jacket is made from the skin of his victims.”

“If Paul Revere saw him coming, he’d be like ‘the British are coming… but don’t worry about it.”

Eric’s last joke gets a good reaction from the audience, but it wasn’t enough to seal the win as Lee is far more consistent and quicker with his retorts.

“Like most British comedy, it was funny but not too funny” – Mike Lawrence

Lee takes his first win in his first battle and his hand is raised in victory.

Next, Armando Torres takes the stage with his usual goofy, gentle demeanor and a giant smile on his face. Ashley barges on stage banging his head to a heavy metal song as Moses backs away in terror and after some banter from the judges, Armando volunteers to go first.

“Ashley looks like Shel Silverstein if he wrote The Lynching Tree.”

“Armando lives in a Honda Accord right now. He’s the only motherfucker I know who has a sleep apnea machine hooked up to a car charger.”

“Ashley’s gay dad divorced his mom. I hope you follow his example and get rid of your disgusting beard too.”

“Your people can’t grow anything this long without harvesting it first. Armando just turned twenty two, or as his doctor put it, pre-diabetic.”

“That was pretty good, Sons of Faggotry. Ashley likes to snort coke and drink whiskey, but that’s the only time he thinks browns and whites should mix.”

“Armando can’t find an apartment because the landlords are afraid he’s gonna burst through the walls with a new flavor of horchata.”

Neither has a dud the entire round, though Ashley’s last joke gets the biggest pop.

“I’m just surprised it took Ashley until the second joke to say ‘you people.’” – Mike Lawrence

The judges lean toward giving the win to Ashley but, the crowd is thirsty for more and pushes the decision into overtime. Since Armando took the bullet in regulation, Ashley goes first.

“Armando picks all his jackets out based on what would make a good blanket when he sleeps in his car.”

“Ashley Johnson sounds like the name of the woman that Ashley Johnson would rape.”

Armando’s joke hits bigger with the audience and he takes the win in a close match, serving Ashley his first loss. However, this may have been Ashley’s best battle yet and should be proud of his showing against a formidable opponent.

In the last undercard of the night, Robin Tran and Madison Sinclair stand ready to take verbal arms against one another. Madison admits she’s been a huge fan of Robin since the Logan Paul video and the judges have high expectations of such experienced battlers in an undercard. Madison, with all the confidence of a super attractive white woman, raises her hand to sling mud first.

“One question Robin never gets in her lesbian relationship is ‘so which one’s the man?’”

“Madison looks like a maneater that doesn’t swallow.”

Robin’s first joke is met with complete silence.

“It’s a good joke. Think about it.”

“That’s a good one Pillsbury Jo Koy. Robin, how do you tell people you still have testicles? Do you just go ‘Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these?”

Madison’s Jo Koy wordplay gets more than the actual joke, which may have gotten more with a little more enthusiasm in the delivery.

“This is true. Madison once asked for comedy advice from Patton Oswalt, which is the worst thing that’s ever happened to him.”

“That’s funny Crouching Tiger, Hidden Penis.”

Coach T plays a gong sound garnishing laughter from the audience.

“That gong got a bigger laugh. That was him, not her. Remember.”

At this point, Robin’s sass, cool demeanor, and likability seems to have won over the crowd.

“Robin’s kind of like Korea. She’s unstable and has a complicated relationship with her southern regions.”

After this joke gets little feedback from the audience, Jeremiah yells.

“More trans jokes!”

Robin capitalizes on the opportunity.

“Madison’s like a sex robot. Not because she’s slutty, she’s just a boring fake cunt.”

After deliberation over whether Robin’s dress is acceptable, most of the judges agree Robin edged out the battle. However, Jeff Ross plays with the idea of an overtime joke. His suggestion is met with jeers and chants of “Robin won” from the back of the room.

“I can guarantee if we do another joke it will not be good.” – Robin Tran

Moses lets the crowd decide and the win is decidedly given to Robin.

The main events for the night begin with a five joke round from two top ten battlers, Mean Jeanne Whitney and Omid Singh. Neither take jabs at each other in the beginning and it seems like a battle born out of mutual respect and affection. Omid steps up to the plate.

“Jeanne is used to rejection because she’s from India-nahhh.”

“Omid is polyamorous and his mom is Iranian, which makes Omid a Pomeranian.”

It’s a cute joke but isn’t mean enough to garner much reaction other than Josh Meyrowitz claiming “that’s adorable!”

“One time Jeanne turned her face and her chin hit me.”

“Omid isn’t bald from genetics, just from waiting too long at TSA.”

“Jeanne looks like the girl next door if she slammed into the door.”

“Omid once had sex in an airport. Can you imagine how unsanitary that is? Somebody fucked Omid.”

“Jeanne has the body of Wonder Woman where you have to wonder, is that a woman?”

“Having sex with Omid is like a Kwik E Mart. It’s fast, there’s lots of Slurpees and it smells like a-poo.”

“Whatever. Jeanne looks like she asks ‘where’s this going’ while she’s sucking your dick.”

The crowd explodes in laughter and chants “Where’s this going.”

“If you can’t travel to India, just stand next to Omid and you’ll at least know what it smells like.”

Jeanne’s final joke gets some laughs but, still caught up on Omid’s joke, some audience members are still chanting “Where’s this going.”

Omid gets a unanimous vote from the judges and Jeanne takes her third ever loss to a top-tier opponent.

The first tournament battle of the night brings out the dark, competitive nature in Ramsey Badawi and Quentin Thomas. The judges make fun of Quentin’s “my father owns this ski lodge face” and his Stranger Things wardrobe. Quentin volunteers to go first and moves to the center of the stage.

“Ramsey lives in his successful girlfriend’s shadow. Then again, he lives in anyone’s shadow who’s over five foot four.”

“You wanna talk about height, Quentin was repeatedly hit in the face by his girlfriend who’s only five feet tall. You’re the first man ever to get bitch slapped by someone on a pogo stick.”

“It’s true, my girlfriend used to hit me and Ramsey’s dad used to hit him. I just think it’s weird we both willingly fucked our abusers.”

“Quentin, you look like every extra from the first three American Pie movies.”

“Ramsey’s not a Republican or a Democrat, which are just two more parties everyone’s happy he’s not apart of, YOU FUCKING LOSER!”

Quentin gets in Ramsey’s face putting Ramsey on the defense.

“Very funny guy, who looks like he sits down while he pees at the urinal.”

“It’s so far away… no, it’s like actually a problem, my dick is above most urinals…”

“Oh that’s interesting, your dick is above most urinals. Quentin your ex-girlfriend dumped you for your best friend. You’re like a magic beanstalk, dude. You’re tall, you’re lanky, and everyone around climbs all over you to get to better things. Here’s my impression of Quentin. Fe fi fo fum, my girlfriend’s breath smells like my best friend’s cum.”

“That’s weird, cuz I feel like I have to make a political statement to do my impression of Ramsey…”

Quentin takes a knee in front of Ramsey in a rebuttal attempt that fails miserably.

“…cuz he’s short.”

“Boy, that joke went over like your first three suicide attempts… no one reacted.”

Ramsey begins a joke but is quickly interrupted by Quentin.

“It’s still my joke.”

“Go for it, but I would loosely define it as a joke.”

“You know Ramsey, you didn’t cut it as a musician, you didn’t cut it as a politician, you didn’t cut it as a lawyer, you’re not gonna cut it as a comic. I’d rather have four failed suicide attempts than four failed career attempts.”

“Speaking of career attempts, Quentin works part-time for Uber and part-time as that annoying paper clip on Microsoft Word.”

“Ramsey, you Palestinian Woody Allen. I think Ramsey’s just upset because I’m bigger than the piece of land half his family died fighting for.”

Quentin’s joke gets a solid pop, forcing Ramsey to throw literally everything he has in Quentin’s direction.

“As Quentin pointed out, my family died for some land. What a bunch of losers. I agree. Your parents pay for your rent. Believe me, dude, I’d rather my family die over some land than have my father die of embarrassment because his son is such a fucking failure. As Quentin pointed out, I’m an Arab but you were involved in a domestic violence dispute and you drive for Uber. Dude, you’re way more Arab than me. You look like you’d cut off a clit if you could find one.”

The crowd chants “one more joke.”

“Ramsey already did eight of them.” – Brian Moses.

The judges agree that the battle seems a little too real for their taste but in the end, Ramsey’s tenacity is convincing enough to pull out the win and move on to the next round.

The last main event of the night is another tournament bout between Jacob Trimmer and Jeff Sewing.

“Is this a Roast Battle or are they scalping Wrestlemania tickets?” -Jeff Ross

Brody Stevens pumps up the crowd for the final match and Jacob says he’ll throw the first punch.

“Jeff told me his wife has a lazy eye. It’s not lazy, she’s just always looking for an escape.”

“Thank you, Cold Stone Steve Austin. Come to think of it, Jacob, you look like all you eat is cigarette flavored ice cream.”

Jeff’s first joke kills and is followed up with Stone Cold’s intro music from Coach T in the back, lighting up the room.

“Jeff used to play football and his wife also spends time getting pounded by black guys.”

“What’s wrong with that?” – Tony Baker

“Jacob spent ten days in jail for slashing another man’s tires. He was charged with impersonating a seventeen-year-old girl.”

“Jeff, you look like you’re not allowed within five hundred feet of a joke about kids.”

“Fun fact about Jacob, if you pull down on his beard he spits out half off coupons to Hot Topic.”

“Spencer’s Gifts, actually. Jeff used to do ballet, but they kicked him out for trying to curbstomp the black swan.”

Jacob gets a huge reaction from this joke while Brody Stevens stomps on a tin foil swan.

“Jacob has a tattoo on his right arm of a motorcycle, which is something he doesn’t even have. What’s the tattoo on your left arm? A job?”

“Jeff got rid of his dick piercing because it kept getting caught on his victims’ braces.”

“Jacob told me he slept with three and a half women. ‘And a half’ is a weird way of saying unconscious.”

Jeff’s jokes hit more consistently throughout the round, but Jacob’s last two jokes are absolute bangers, making it difficult for the judges to make a solid decision. They start to edge it to Jeff, but the crowd clearly wants more and they take it to overtime. Sewing is up first.

“Growing up, Jacob wanted to be in the Hell’s Angels. Looks like you settled for the deviled eggs.”

“Jeff’s so bad at sex, when he goes down on his wife, her pussy gets cotton mouth…okay.”

Jacob barely even waits for a reaction before admitting his loss. The judges all vote Jeff, but overall an amazing battle and a great way to end an all-around entertaining night.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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