In the early undercards this past Tuesday we saw some narrowly-avoided double-losses with Tim McGorry edging out Scott Kidd, and a more decisive win for Jonathan David over first-time battler Kyle Chrise.
Austin’s Sara June takes to the stage next for our evening’s third undercard, opening with a pre-written jab before the bell about why she’s chosen to take on Seattle’s Billy Anderson:
“He’s the human equivalent of Cream of Wheat and I thought it would be a challenge to roast a living cereal.”
The line falls pretty flat and Billy is introduced, offering a dig of his own:
“I just wanted to be a part or the worst bomb from from Austin in the last 8 hours.”
Billy takes the lead in the exchange and it’s off to the bell, where he offers to lead out.
“You guys didn’t mishear that, her name is ‘Sära,’ not ‘Sara,’ and she’s very particular about that. Back in Austin, where she grew up, though, everyone just called her ‘cunt.’”
“It’s an honor to be here roasting the youngest, dumbest Weasley brother. Billy looks like a leprechaun that fucks with his underwear on.”
Sara’s still a little behind in terms of reaction with the Harry Potter reference hitting much harder than her follow-up
“Thank you, less-fuckable April Ludgate. Sara June, your outfit says ‘I masturbate to the Arcade Fire,’ but your voice says ‘I fuck women.’”
The audience reaction to Billy takes its first dip and there’s now an opening for Sara to make up some ground.
“Billy’s so bland, his roommate hung herself just to spice things up around the house. Don’t worry, she’s in a better place now, she doesn’t have to listen to Billy’s jokes anymore.”
“Leave it to a woman from Iran to try to hurt me with suicide. Sara is ‘Persian,’ which is what Iranian’s call themselves when they look white enough to get away with it.”
Sara seems to finally turn things around before Billy’s rebuttal and a Wave-earning closing joke, but it still seems like a dead heat as she comes in for the closer.
“The word cracker was invented to describe Billy. One look at this man’s face and you’ll know he’s used mayonnaise as lube and he’ll do it again.
The final line is a bit of a dud, but the audience remains satisfied enough to call for an overtime joke, with Sara opening the sudden death round.
“Billy used to be a goth and he still loves the Alkaline Trio. Not the band. That’s just what he calls his dick and balls.”
“Sara’s Iranian and her pussy’s just like Iran. People talk about how great it is and then you get there and it smells like dead children.”
The room is shocked that Billy managed to save what was far-and-away his best joke for overtime, but the decision serves him well, and he takes his second consecutive win to maintain a perfect record and establishes himself as a promising new Roast Battle hopeful.
Sharon Houston and Paige Wesley are up next, two of the show’s hottest up and comers looking for a return to glory after several consecutive losses. Paige opens the single three-joke round.
“Sharon is Cuban, and like the cigars you should probably sniff it before you put your mouth on it.”
“When Paige was single, she complained a lot about guys using her and taking advantage of her, but I don’t think that’s what they were doing. They just wanted to know what it was like to fuck a waterbed.”
Starting out neck-and-neck, Paige earns momentum when she lands the round’s first rebuttal:
“Sharon, that was cold. just like the empty side of your bed.”
The rebuttal deals a devastating blow, but is quickly met by Sharon with one of her own.
“Well at least guys don’t need a GPS to find my pussy.”
It’s an explosive back and forth with each joke tagging and topping the one before it as Paige fires yet another shot.
“That’s okay. Whenever Sharon’s lonely, she can just press her Life Alert bracelet to talk to someone.”
“But at least I’ll be alive in five years.”
At this point, there are zero duds, with only a slight edge to Paige on crowd reaction as Moses calls for last joke and Paige fires one last shot.
“I might not be alive in five years, but Fidel Castro’s dead and she’s gonna fuck over all the Cubans in his place.”
“I love Paige. She’s a real go-getter. She really steps up to all of the plates, and she finishes them.”
Both last jokes land a little clunkily and it’s even enough to bring us to the evening’s second OT round, as Sharon Houston is put up first and can’t seem to decide on a joke as she fumbles a bit before making a decision.
“Paige looks like when she gets pregnant and has a baby, it’s going to come out with a dad-bod.”
“All of Sharon’s ex boyfriends are gay. Her pussy’s like Cuba: it’s main export is fruits.”
Paige’s closer comes over the top and crushes, earning her a fresh new win after a bit of a slump, while – for her part – Sharon Houston put in a top-notch performance earning ample praise from judges and audience alike.
Finally, for the main event, Bryan Vokey is brought up first having finally earned a correct introduction including his actual hometown of Atlanta, Georgia, rather than Cleveland, Ohio which Moses somehow managed to say for about two years without ever being corrected. Jonathan Rowell is brought up next, with another fine into:
“He’s a homosexual and he’s Mexican, and those are my favorite homosexuals and mexicans.” – Moses
“They are the hardest workers in bed.” – a Sklar
With that, Jonathan Rowell is selected to open the first of three rounds.
“Bryan, you look like you mentor school shooters on the weekend.”
“You look like you review cum for The New Yorker.”
The Wave is already out after the first exchange, and the audience is set to get more than there money’s worth here as Jonathan steps in to take another shot.
“Bryan’s from Georgia, which is why his teeth look like an old Confederate graveyard.”
“Jonathan just got gonorrhea. How original: a Mexican with spicy piss.”
“Bryan’s also an actor. You may recognize him from his work in The Hills Have Really Big Eyes.”
“Jonathan’s Mexican. He really puts the ‘AIDS’ in ‘immigration raids.’”
It’s a flawless round for both battlers, with the Sklars taking different sides and Mike Lawrence splitting the tie voting against Vokey, but noting that it’s mostly because he thinks he’ll swing even harder if he’s backed against the wall.
“Bryan’s white trash, Southern, and dated a stripper. He’s like if a Kid Rock song was a person.”
“Bryan, you look like you lost your virginity to a junkyard dog.”
“Bryan’s the kind of ugly where no one’s sure where nobody knows what ethnicity he is, but everyone hopes it’s not theirs.”
This is a softer round for Jonathan Rowell with somewhat muted responses to his first two jokes before the haymaker third joke hits the mark. Vokey jumps right in, ready to respond.
“Thank you, spic in spandex. He is a gay Mexican. He’s the only hairdresser you can hire in a home Depot parking lot.”
“Jonathan’s dad is an old school cholo, so you can imagine how disappointed he was with Jonathan coming out white.”
“Jonathan’s not even allowed in his parents’ house. not because he’s gay, but because they think he’s the landlord.”
Vokey hits the triple, with each joke landing solidly and building in reaction from the one before it and he takes the round 2 vote unanimously before opening round 3.
“Jonathan’s so pretentious, he once scolded a man for eating his ass with his elbows on the table.”
“Look, I’m gay, but Bryan moved to Europe for a year to find himself and there’s nothing more saggy than that.”
“Jonathan is gay, he came out at age 19, but he’s still a closeted Armenian.”
“Bryan isn’t a real man, he’s just 6 possums standing on each other’s shoulders.”
“Jonathan, you’re a gay Catholic who works at a children’s hospital and wears Woody Allen glasses. You’re a kid fucking grand slam.”
“When Bryan was in the military, he punched a general, but it was an accident. He thought it was his girlfriend asking him a question.”
It’s another case of the closing jokes falling flat for the third straight battle this evening. It’s a weird phenomenon possibly caused by the anticipation building to it that it takes something really special to land the knockout on the final swing. David Letterman has spoken in interviews about how each evening’s Top Ten always ended on the worst joke, no matter what they put there, and it’s probably the same effect here. Nevertheless, with some deliberation and plenty of love expressed for Jonathan Rowell, our VIP panel awards the decision for the whole tournament to Bryan Vokey, taking into account not just the final round but the totality of the tournament and his performance throughout it.
Despite beginning the year with a practically flawless record (less one heavily asterisked loss), Bryan Vokey never really got a chance to prove his salt in the Roast Battle ring. As the old school pulls back and the game slowly changes, it’s been harder for new blood to find quality matchups fit for a proper headline bout. With the whole tournament the brainchild of Pat Barker specifically for the purpose of building a few new Roast Battle stars, it looks like that goal has been met. If he decides to keep up with the show, we’ll likely have no shortage of old-timers willing to take him on given his newfound status. We’ll see next month exactly what this means for the rankings, and until then let’s just keep on roasting.
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