It was a great Tuesday night, absolutely stacked with audience favorites, the Wave was there in full force, Saudi Prince made his return after a several-month hiatus, and an absolutely killer firing squad with rapper Freddie Gibbs, the Rat King Theo Von, the roastmaster general Jeff Ross and The Golden Pony Tony Hinchcliffe all lending their expertise to a fire night of battles.
First up was the Roast Battle debut of Mitchell Lamar against the returning Ahmed Al-Kadri, about which Freddie Gibbs says, “Both of these niggas would be cute in jail.” Ahmed wants to go first.
“Everyone, please give a hand for Mitchell Lamar, he’s a veteran, he actually started a new policy called, ‘don’t ask, because you can already tell.'”
“Ahmed is Muslim, but he’s so bad at it, he uses the bible to bash women.”
“You have glitter on your face so you can leave a mark after giving someone an STD. Mitchell Lamar is also a shaman, a healer, because besides being a gay, black veteran, he needs more attention.”
“Yes, I did serve in the military, Ahmed, the most you’ve done for this country is bottoming for me.”
“First off, I know I’m not gay because being gay is a choice and I obviously choose heaven. The real reason why Mitchell Lamar challenged me to roast battle was because bombing my country wasn’t enough for him.”
“Although we are roasting each other, we’re still cool. we even have nicknames for each other based off geology. Ahmed will come up to me and say, “what’s up my sedimentary brother!” and I’ll say, “what’s up my sand nigga!”
This was a great start to the night, both of these men came with solid jokes. Both opening jokes were room crushers, Mitchell’s slightly less so, most likely because of how hard Ahmed’s first joke hit, and Mitchell’s slow, lazy delivery took away some of the power of his jokes. It’s weird to see a guy that flamboyant be so lackadaisical. Ahmed’s “choose” joke was one of my favorite jokes of all time, it was flawlessly delivered and so obvious while still being original, which is so hard to do 6 years into the show. His follow-up joke fell flat, so next time hopefully he’ll let the comeback stand as his joke, since it destroyed the room. They were pretty even throughout, but Mitchell lost it in the end with his too-smart joke. The judges sing their praises, but ultimately give the slight edge to Ahmed, the audience agrees and he takes another W.
Next was the return of Bear Badeaux taking on Robyn Blake. Robyn wants the first shot.
“Damn, I didn’t know white privilege could stunt your growth.”
“I love to admire beautiful things so I really hope Robyn keeps working out cuz she’s vein away from looking like my penis.”
“Thank you Ryan Sea-Cunt. Bear’s wife suffers from a number of health problems: she has a bad immune system, a broken uterus and a bad back from carrying the weight of this guy’s failure.”
“What can I say about Robyn? She has a face that says Lori Petty and the arm pits that say Tom Petty. I’m not sure if God hates her or if she’s transitioning on a payment plan.”
“Bear has the body of a child actor and the face of the producer who molested him. And the success of neither.”
“Robyn looks like the only person to ever hang a rainbow confederate flag.”
Another great battle! Robyn is so fun to watch,she lights up the room immediately with her infectious energy and confidence, it’s impossible not to like her when she is so un-apologetically her. Robyn’s first joke hit hard, and Bear faltered a bit in the beginning, but he came back strong, his “rainbow confederate flag” joke brought the room to it’s feet. Robyn tried to throw another joke in at the end, but it didn’t hit, and was one too many, so I won’t even include it. Bear did pretty well, but he couldn’t compete with Robyn’s swagger, she sweeps the judges decision and the audience vote.
Next up was Kiernan Benkoil vs. Alice Hamilton. Kiernan starts by answering the “why battle” question by professing his love for Alice, which was…uncomfortable to say the least. Alice handled it in stride, and Kiernan volunteers to go first.
“I love your style. I love how your earrings scream, “I FACETIME ON THE BUS”
“Thank you 12 years a slave owner….”
Alice forgets her first joke here, prompting Saudi Prince to jump in and say, “It’s okay, you can speak in this country…go ahead, battle for your freedom”, which hits really hard and buys Alice a little more time. The audience is supportive and patiently waits for her to continue…
“Kiernan, you look like you got raped at summer camp WHILE you were a counselor.”
“That joke was brave, you remind me of Colin Kaepernick if he was sponsored by Nair. Every time Alice calls someone racist on twitter, a gin gets its juice. “Thank you soft dick energy. You look like if Harry Potter wasn’t magic and was just a faggot.”
“This is so fun; I feel like we’re in a gender neutral remake of Remember the Titans. I think you’re just upset that you look like all of the Kardashians’ exes transitioned into one.”
“Kiernan, you poor, sweet, beta cuck. Kiernan’s dad is in jail, for having a gay son.”
The fabulous night continues with these two. Despite Alice’s flub in the beginning, she came back hard, the “camp counselor” joke was brilliant. Jeff asks her what happened and says, “You had him in the palm of your hand”, and she did, the room wanted her to win, but Kiernan came for a fight and had the better written jokes. Alice showed why she’s a great battler, it’s nearly impossible to flub a joke and keep the audience on her side, but she did, because she’s just that damn likable. Unfortunately her likability wasn’t enough to overtake Kiernan’s joke-writing. His “gin and juice” joke nearly broke the room. They both lost a little momentum in the end with their final jokes, but it was a great battle and Kiernan takes the W.
The main event featured undefeated Brett Erickson taking on Mark “The Shark” Stevens in his main event debut. Mark is brought onstage and answers Brett with, “I mean, he’s a 50 year old, deadbeat dad, he’s been doing comedy for 20 years and he bailed on his kids for a dream he ended up being too lazy to chase.” Brett is brought to the stage and immediately says, “I just want to say I feel a little attacked already, my goal in battling Mark was to secretly use this to ask him out on a date”, Brett shows his years of experience with his hilarious off-the-top riff and callback to the previous battle. Brett wants to go first.
“If you’ve ever heard Mark Stevens here referred to as Mark “The Shark” it’s because of the person you were talking to, Mark Stevens. That’s right, he gave himself a nickname, which is like masturbating. It feels good til someone catches you doing it.”
“Brett looks like he gets all his dick pics taken at Sears.”
“As a father of two, you have to know a good value when you see one. Mark’s got a new show on HBO, it’s called Beady Little Eyes. It sucks for him too. He went to the Coheed and Cambria show at the Greek on Saturday, but his eyes are so close together, he could only see Coheed OR Cambria.”
“Brett actually introduced his son to acid, it was the only way he could afford to take him on a trip.”
“14 hours of fun, no lines. Mark is like the gift you get a girl you don’t really care about…you know…neck-less.”
“Brett, how are you in 9-0 in Roast Battle, but 0-2 in child custody battles.”
“Mark says his best friend is Sarah Keller. They write together, they eat together, they shop for bras together. Honestly Mark, why did you pick the Instagram handle MarkTheShark927 when BitchTits1 was available?”
“Brett often reminisces about the days when roofies only cost a nickel.”
“They’ve always been more than a nickel. Mark, you look like the camera guy that gets the ‘from under the guy’s butthole’ shot on ArmenianWifeSwap.com.”
“Brett is an atheist who’s wife left him for Jesus. Not the religion, she just needed somebody that actually knew how to nail her in 3 different places.”
An absolutely phenomenal battle by both these beasts. This was hands down Mark’s best battle, which says a lot since his battle before this was his best one yet. He’s improving exponentially and proving why he’s earned the right to battle the best. Brett is quickly making a name for himself as one of the best. He pairs expertly written jokes with the ease of a 20-year-comedy vet. Mark had some of his best written jokes, and against anyone else, he probably would have clinched the win, but Brett came at him hard, and was able to keep any of Mark’s haymakers from sticking to him with his comebacks. After complimenting them both on their performances, the judges unanimously give it to Brett, and his undefeated streak continues.
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