Happy Cinco de
Battala Mayo! That’s right. Here at Roast Battle, we don’t discriminate. We’ll roast whatever race, religion, creed(?) you bring to the ring. Way back when, before the Roast started Reporting, a blogger tried to suggest the Battle was out of line for allowing certain material to be joked about…but look at us now. We have a Guatemalan and a Filipino celebrating a Mexican holiday while a black guy and a white guy seem disinterested. Equal af. By the way. I reread that article. The person who wrote it wasn’t even at that Battle. So he/she wrote a whole piece based on a secondhand account of the show. Now that’s what I call journalistic integrity.
Speaking of journalistic integ, ya boy was scouring the Internet some time ago and heard about something called Upfronts. What are Upfronts? That’s a question for Google Definition.
In the North American television industry, an upfront is a meeting hosted at the start of important advertising sales periods by television network executives, attended by the press and major advertisers.
Well after getting lost in sea of network upfronts I came across Fuse’s list of shows. And what snuck in under “In Development”?
Hmm. Interesting right? That was posted March 6th. I found it in early April. Often times, these shows might not make it that far past upfronts. But you guys were there Tuesday. You’re there every week. The electricity of the Roast Battle has consumed LA and dabbled in Texas and New York with outstanding results. Hell, we Periscoped the last battle and had 600 people tune in. 600?!? On the first try? Worddd. And as long as Fuse/3 Arts don’t drop the effing ball, the rest of world is next. Just gotta fix the name of it and that last sentence.
Anyway, las Batallas eran fuego, so let’s get to these previews bruh!
Look at that! Come for the roasting and stay for the GOATs, amirite? Who is that next to him? I didn’t know Kevin Federline was a Royals fan. We didn’t have the Great Photog around for the first battle but was there when it mattered. Imagine Jordan watching a pickup game at Rucker Park or John Mayer watching a coffee shop unplugged show. That’s Dave except he’s commenting on your jumper or fingerpicking the whole time.
Our first undercard had Matt Rife (0-1, ?) falling to Tim Limbrick (1-0, ?)
This was the only Battle I picked incorrectly. It was dece. Tim had better jokes. Matt’s didn’t like…totally suck but they just didn’t cut it on Tuesday night.
“Tim is half-white, half-hack.”
“Something that bombed about Freddie Gray and LMFAO.”
Matt and Tim have yet to send me joke transcripts. I think topical jokes can work in the Roast Battle but they had better be strong or else we think you’re just trying too hard. Tim’s jokes actually roused the crowd.
“Something about Erik Griffin.”
“Something about mom packing his lunch.”
Tell you what. This Battle was a total Chips and Salsa (#mayo). Got us started but kinda boring. So it gets
Our second undercard was Jeanne Whitney (1-0, ?) defeating Timika Hall (0-1, ?)!
That’s what you’re striving for people. Moses raising your hand on that Belly Room stage. Props to TImika. I’ve been there. Everyone who will see how you win will see how you lose. And that, my friends, is who you really are. Timika had good jokes!
“Jeanne you wine so much every time you get screwed over, your vagina is nicknamed Napa Valley.”
“Jeanne, you wouldn’t be so butthurt if you would stop opening up for famous comics.”
So Jeanne fucks. Is what we learned. What can we learn about Timika?
“Timika’s mom was a Jehovah’s Witness, but really I think that was just an excuse for them to go door to door trying to find her Dad.”
“Timika is not your ordinary black person, she has a job, she doesn’t worship Jesus, and she needs directions to planned parenthood.”
Pretty even but Jeanne got the crowd moving just a bit more. That first one was Main Event worthy.
This battle receives
Our first Main Event had Jon Schabl (1-1, ?) outlasting Scotty Kidd (1-91, last probably)!
This is what it looks like when the kids in the movie Kids grow up.
I’ll give a little cred to Scotty. He wasn’t Matt Lewis bad. Or Dan Lawler bad. Or previous Scott Kidd bad. But that’s damning with faint praise all day. Even the judges checked out.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention.”-Dave after Scott’s second round.
“That was terrible.”-Dave after Scott’s last joke.
That’s crucial. I got snubbed by Dave a few weeks ago but that was just in front of Jay Light, not literally every one of my peers. Jon had some room rockers though!
“With those glasses and that gap in your teeth you look like Madonna fucked a LensCrafters.”
“And look at those chompers. I haven’t seen a mouth that bad since the curb scene from American History X.”
“Scotty Kidd’s last name has 2 D’s in it, just like his mouth whenever rent is overdue.”
“On Facebook Scott is listed as Scotty. Like the tissues. Which is a perfect nickname since guys always cum in him before they throw him in the trash.”
Oh fuck that last one is so dirty. Scotty was knocked out before he entered the ring. He might know he sucked bc he won’t reply to my joke requests. So ironic that his last time is Kidd.
Now the battle we were ALL waiting for. RoomHates. Bestie Brawl. Whatever we’re calling it, this fight was fuego. Jay Light (6-3, ?) toppling Frank Castillo (6-2, ?)!
Such an excellent battle. There was no dead air between joke told and joke received. La Ola (The Wave) was popping off after almost every joke. Let’s get to em!
JAY ON FRANK
“Frank loves drugs. He smokes weed, does shrooms, and occasionally coke when the balloon breaks in his ass.”
“It’s a good thing you already live in America, because there’s no way you could climb a fence.”
“Frank’s great at roasting. He’s already a member of the Deep Fryer’s Club.”
“I dunno if this is a Roast Battle or a remake of Selena but either way a young Mexican bitch is gonna die tonight.”
“I fuck so much Frank uses my toothbrush so he remembers what pussy tastes like.”
Jay Light roast jokes got me like…
I expected Chris Tucker to proclaim Frank had been knocked the fuck out but his jokes wouldn’t let that happen.
FRANK ON JAY
“You’re so white you forget to pick up your paychecks.”
“Jay lost his virginity at 16, I guess his uncle wanted to wait until he could drive himself home.”
“You look like the voice of reason in every after school special.”
Omfg. Funny. Smart. Cutting. This fight was a clinic on how to Main Event Roast Battle.
“We only roast the ones we love” has never been on display more than in this battle. And it made for an amazing battle. Take note future roasters…
Great moment for the battle. You can tell these two just had a great time putting on a great show. Jay was eventually proclaimed the winner but really no one lost. Except Scott Kidd.
This battle gets what it deserves.
flame emojis! WHAT? #unprecedented
Sadly, the writer drunkenly lost the footage so barring a stroke of luck or Boon returning it, JOTN clip will not be in the Report this week. But here’s the winner!
JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“I fuck so much Frank uses my toothbrush so he remembers what pussy tastes like.”-probably the swaggiest joke in Battle history.
See you next week, folks.
I am 24-15 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.