by Tony Bartolone, photos by Troy Conrad

This week every main event of every WWE show was an all
women main event after Netflix released the series GLOW (short for Gorgeous
Ladies of Wrestling), based on the all-female wrestling promotion of the same
name. And in the Belly Room this week, women stood out like shining stars high
above the male mediocrity. Nicole Becannon and Zahra Ali both had sensational
performances this week. 

Our first fight of the night features the exceptionally
white Ryan Pigg versus the exceptionally nothing Beowulf Jones. Ryan enters
first, whiskey in hand, and gets a dig in on the Canadian Beowulf. After some
banter, Beowulf gets a burn in on Pigg, and kicks off the battle: 

“Ryan Pigg is very appropriately named Ryan Pigg because he
looks like Paul Ryan fucked a pig and the baby is Jared Kushner’s white
privilege.”

“Good one, Hungry like the Beowulf. Alright. Beowulf was
adopted and he’s been working it into his stand up… by abandoning jokes faster
than his parents abandoned him.”

“Ryan Pigg, and that’s Pigg with two g’s, which is two more
g’s than he’ll ever have in his bank account. …Is in two sketch groups, two
improv teams, hosts a roast show, has a webseries… he has produced everything,
except a single laugh ever.”

“Beowulf, as you know now, is from Canada, but he lives here
now. Which means he’s changed countries, he’s changed parents, but he still
won’t change his dumbass name.”

“When it comes to rich, white entitlement, Ryan Pigg is like
a fantasy novel demon overlord, meaning if you kill him poor people will get
health insurance and Philando Castile’s soul will go to heaven.”

“Beowulf’s recently been trying to get more stage time.
Beowulf, why would a comedian want you on their shitty show when your parents
didn’t even want you in their shitty family?”

I wonder if Beowulf was like, “I’ll close with the crowd
pleasing demon overlord from a fantasy novel joke. Everybody loves fantasy
novels.” This is a pretty entertaining battle, impressive for two first-timers.
Beowulf wins over the crowd and wins the contest. I encourage Beowulf Jones to
challenge Zack Kennedy in the battle of middle-aged dudes who won’t let go of
their youth.

In our next battle, Darran Davis steps to Brett Eby. Jay
Light has joined Ian Abramson on the judges’ dais, and Mike Lawrence enters the
room ready to go:

“It’s my two of my favorite members of the Burger
King Kids Club.” – Mike Lawrence

“This battle feels like it should be happening on a raft
floating down the Mississippi.” – Jay Light

Brett Eby kicks things off:

“You know, I don’t know who’s more thirsty, Darran trying to
get laid or his ashy-ass skin?”

“Thanks, Brett. Why’d you go in trying to get a sex change
operation, but came out looking like The
Bride of Chucky
?”

Haiti screams his dismay from the sidelines: 

“Ah, nigga!”

“That joke was the bride of sucky.” – Mike Lawrence

“Speaking of actors, Darran used to be a child actor. You
might remember him from such famous commercials as, “For just one dollar a
day…”

“Brett is an idol of Jeffery Dahmer, but couldn’t get
himself to eat dark meat because his clans member said not to do it.”

Haiti stands and shakes his head in disapproval.

“Alright everybody, let’s just call this battle what it is:
The Battle of the Look-alikes. I look like Jay Light with a little more acne,
and Darran looks like Haiti’s cellmate.”

“I knew Brett was a serial killer when he said I was too
ashy to put the lotion back in the basket.”

Darran bombs hard on his first two jokes and gets some
response on his last joke, which was more of a burn on himself. Brett does
pretty well, but peaks with his second joke, bombing his last. Last Comic Standing winner Clayton English
enters the room at the end of the battle, and declines to judge it, explaining
he can’t fairly judge because he only saw one joke. 

“I mean, I watched the whole battle and I also only saw one joke.” – Mike Lawrence

Jay Light says it best: 

“This was pretty atrocious.”

Ultimately, Brett ekes out a win. Moving forward, Jeff Ross and Sarah Tiana join the panel of judges to see Lou
Vahram go head-to-head with Isaac Hirsch. Lou enters the stage and downs a box
of Nerds, proclaiming when prompted: 

“I eat nerds like Isaac for breakfast!” 

He then goes onto to literally choke on
his next punchline before officially starting the battle.

“I can’t believe Isaac even made here tonight because it
looks like he spent the last six years starving in his high school locker.”

“Lou is somehow both boring and creepy. Like he’ll put you to sleep and then
he’ll just watch you.”

“Isaac has a swimmer’s body. His event should be the hundred
meter I’ve never seen a pair of breasts stroke.”

“It’s true, I don’t know a lot about sex, but uh, Lou, he’s
great at sex, man. Lou’s so good at sex he chokes women even when they’re not
fucking.”

“That’s a pretty tough joke coming from a missionary who’s
never done it missionary. But listen…”

Isaac objects to Lou continuing, but Lou stands his ground
and says he gets a rebuttal. Isaac replies:

“A rebuttal to yourself?”

This inexplicably gets a huge reaction from the crowd. And Lou continues:

“Most people would classify Isaac as a nerd, but that’s not
true because Nerds get to come in a box.”

“I don’t if you guys knew this, but Lou is very bad at stand
up…”

That premise gets a big laugh following Lou’s bomb. The
crowd is completely unruly, urging Isaac to stop there, but he keeps going.

“…The only time Lou should be getting in Los Angeles is five
to ten years.”

Isaac’s last joke falls flat, but overall he has a better
battle than Lou. 

“It’s so weird that- Lou, you kept making jokes about Isaac being a nerd. You’re
also a nerd. You’re just like- Isaac’s like the floor manager of Best Buy,
you’re the guy who works in the back of the store.” – Jay Light

“I’m still more masculine than you, bitch.” – Lou Vahram

We are soon graced with the presence of the Saudi Prince and
things start heating up with the next battle when Eric Abbenante goes to war
with Zahra Ali. 

“I’m excited to see the dad from every 80’s movie, but I’m gonna
give it to the Slumdog real estate agent.” – Saudi Prince 

“Whoever wins this gets to be Jeff Dunham’s next puppet.” – Jay Light

Eric volunteers to start us off, and it’s on.

“Zahra’s goal is to write a sitcom, but with her background
no one’s gonna let her near a pilot.”

“Whatever, Broke Zuckerberg. Eric sells edibles, much like
his jokes you have to wait an hour for it to hit you.”

“The relationship between Zahra and her father is priceless…
unless you have three goats.”

“Eric is obsessed with his Jewish grandmother. I get it, she
was kind, sweet and very warm coming out of the oven.”

“Zahra lost friends after 9/11 because their mission was a
success.”

Saudi Prince does his battle cry.

“Is that good or bad, when you make that sound?” – Jeff Ross

“Oh, it’s amazing. That’s my ‘o face’ baby!” – Saudi Prince 

“This is why I don’t date Muslims.” – Zahra Ali

“She just gets owned by them.” – Saudi Prince

Willie Hunter comes out wearing shades, a hoodie and a backpack strapped to his
chest and nervously mimes holding a detonator. 

“No, but really, Eric’s grandma died of cancer. Yeah…she’s
passed more stages than Eric ever will.”

All in all, this was a highly enjoyable battle, and Zahra is
awarded a deserving victory.

In the last undercard of the night, John-Michael Bond goes
after Kevin McNamara.

“It’s Mark Tallberg Vs. Never-Been-to-the-Gym Gaffigan.” – Saudi Prince

John-Michael claims first joke and starts talking before
Brian Moses even has a chance to leave the stage.

“Kevin grew up the only white kid in a predominantly black
neighborhood, but he doesn’t believe in white privilege. The first time
somebody told him black guys have it harder, he thought they said, “Black guys
have it hard ‘r’.”

“John-Michael Bond has the name of a serial killer and the
body of a guy who’s killed a lot of cereal.”

“Thank you, Abercrombie & Bitch.”

“You’re welcome, faggot in a flannel.”

John-Michael Bond is clearly not wearing a flannel. He is wearing a dark polo
shirt.

“I just wanted everybody to know he wrote that joke ahead of
time, he can’t riff. That’s insane that you said that. You look like the guy
who called me faggot in high school and the guy who called me faggot in Wendy’s
yesterday.”

“What do you expect me to do when I see you at Wendy’s?
John-Michael Bond was bulimic in high school, but he made up for it.”

“Kevin’s relationship with women is like his dad’s relationship
with him. He holds them for five minutes while they’re naked and screaming, and
then abandons them before they get out of high school.”

“John-Michael Bond is a mediocre pedophile. He’d be a
prolific pedophile if he could just stop eating the candy.”

“That’s a fabulous street joke.”

“You guys look like you both went to high school, but as
cops. And that’s why I’m going with John-Michael Bond.”  – Ian Abramson

WWE Superstar Dolph Ziggler is introduced and calls Kevin
out for his flannel line about a flannel-less John-Michael Bond. There is a
contested crowd reaction against the judges’ ruling, and we’re going to sudden
death.

“When John was ten, a lifeguard tried to fuck him using child porn. John didn’t
get fucked but he did get a bad case of blue balls and a free tape.”

Kevin’s joke gives the audience blue balls.

“You can do a fuckin’ knock-knock joke right now.” – Jeff Ross

“I just haven’t seen somebody choke that hard since that video I was shown.”

John-Michael Bond starts to tell his actual joke, but again the crowd again warns
against it. He abides and it pays off.

“Every time I see Kevin do this, he always, he looks so- he’s a good-looking dude, but he always looks so uncomfortable and unconfident
onstage, and after that terrible joke, now I understand why.” – Jay Light

Then Jay Light and Kevin have a Roast Battle of their own:

“Jay, you look like a boring person fucked a more boring
person and then you came out.”

“Kevin, you look like the coolest vampire. You look like
you’re too edgy to work at Hot Topic.”

“You look like you got beat up with a compass in high
school.”

“Kevin, you look like you mix cum into all your protein
shakes.”

“Jay, you look like you’ve never seen a protein shake. Step onstage, bitch.
They should call you Jay Light-weight.”

“I run the fucking schedule, bitch. And I’ll run you out of
town. Go back to the Zoolander Center
you basic bitch’s wet dream.”

So it looks like somewhere down the road Jay Light is going
to fucking destroy Kevin McNamara in an official battle. (Editor’s note: It’ll be on July 11th) John-Michael Bond wins
the match, and we make way for the main event while a sinister Jeremiah
Watkins, dressed in a black hat, a black mustache and a black mask, strokes the
hair of a doll before disappearing behind the curtain.

In our main event, Quentin Thomas squares off against Nicole Becannon. With
both the battlers onstage the judges take some shots.

“It looks like a couple where they’re both settling for each
other.” – Mike Lawrence

Quentin calls first joke, and the main event is underway.

“Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. [Quentin looks and
points at Nicole] Oh fuck, it worked!

Quentin runs out of the room terrified and returns shortly after.

“Quentin’s a tall dude, he’s pretty hard to ignore, but we
all manage to do it anyway.”

“Nicole’s just upset because my height’s reaching places her
comedy will never get. The only “U up?” message Nicole receives is from the
suicide hot line.”

“You know, Quentin once tried to kill himself by jumping out
of a two story building. He’s so boring those are the only two stories he had
that could get him attention.”

“Nicole lost her virginity to a drug addict. After he broke her hymen, he was
able to fashion it into a workable ham radio.”

“Quentin and I have both been in mental hospitals. I’m like
Girl Interrupted and he’s like guy nobody even realized was talking.”

“Nicole’s gay brother is the only person who will ever
enthusiastically call her girlfriend.”

“Quentin doesn’t like to use slut jokes on women because, ya
know, he has a mother and sister who are both giant sluts.”

Haiti comes out and repeatedly slaps hands with Nicole while
sinister-looking Jeremiah makes an appearance from behind the curtain before
once again disappearing. 

“Nicole works at Starbucks, so no one’s gonna know who’s to blame for your
suicide because all the names in the note are gonna be misspelled.”

“I went to UCLA, bitch. But look at you, Quentin. You’re
really proof that if you look like a failure you shouldn’t try to kill yourself
because you’ll probably fail at that too.”

Quentin struggles throughout the battle, but I’d like to
commend him on taking some risks with his jokes, even if those risks didn’t pay
off. His best crowd reaction was for his second joke. Nicole had a great
overall performance.

“Great battle between the freshman orientation leader and
the Ken doll that was left in the microwave.” – Ian Abramson

Nicole is unanimously named the winner, the battlers hug and
the audience trickles out as Jeremiah creepily continues to stroke a dolls
hair. Another fun night of Roast Battle in the books, we’ll see you next
Tuesday. 

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This