There’s a packed line up of judges looking on as Sasha Sanchez makes his way to the stage followed by DeeCee Edwards, who looks like Eddie Murphy: Bi-Curious. The judges go in on DeeCee and he seems a little bothered by it, which isn’t a good sign for this fight.
“Did Leslie Jones become a rapper? What the fuck?” – Mike Lawrence
“This stage looks like the worst team in Ice Cube’s three-on-three basketball league.” – Pat Barker
“I’m already a big fan of the most cast-able person in a reality show.” – Bert Kreischer
These two dudes deliver a lot of head-scratching moments and underwhelming shots. Sasha gets a good laugh calling his opponent “Tracy Bargain” and actually has a decent build to his last joke. However, he blows his mild momentum, as his last joke falls flat. But not as flat as all of DeeCee’s ramblings. On his first joke, somebody in the crowd yells, “What?” His second gets a much more quiet “What?” that is still clearly audible because it is silent in the room, and Coach Tea punctuates it with a buzzer sound. He offers this as his final joke:
“You only moved to LA so you can look like, you know, original, like you might- You look coked-out so you moved in so you can blend… blend in.”
This prompted Josh Meyrowitz AKA Autistic Thunder to exclaim:
“Have you watched the show before? What the fuck?”
Coach Tea comes to the rescue with a loop of Rihanna singing, “You look so dumb right now.”
Cort McCown suggests Coach Tea as the winner of this match. When Moses takes the audience vote there are scattered chants for Coach Tea. So after nobody votes for DeeCee, a light applause for Sasha, Moses adds Coach Tea as a third option and the crowd overwhelmingly votes third party. Roast Battle is more progressive than America at large.
After a rough first battle, Michael Amico comes to the stage wearing a Creed T-shirt, and bonds with Bert Kreischer over their mutual love of terrible music before Moses tries to interrupt. Kreischer doubles down and keeps the Creed conversation rolling. Bobby Wayne Stauts come to the stage only for Bert to continue talking about Creed. Bobby is genuinely likable and has a casual, breezy style of delivery that is easily better than Michael Amico’s style of telling bad jokes. Even after the battle is over, the Creed talk doesn’t stop. Kreischer passionately explains to Eddie Ifft that Creed’s “Higher” is the best song to listen to while running on a treadmill.
“Bert, Bert, Bert, first of all, there’s one thing I trust you less about than music. And that is running.” – Eddie Ifft
Moses starts to take a vote, but Coach Tea has other plans. The opening chords of “Higher” begins to play, and Bert Kreischer leads the room in a sing-along complete with shirtless Josh Meyrowitz and Jeremiah Watkins spastically headbanging. It is the most memorable thing about the battle, but Bobby Wayne Stauts walks away with the win.
Next up, Sharon Houston takes the stage to take on the middle-aged sad sack Adam Gropman. Adam volunteers to go first:
“Sharon’s last name is Houston, and like her celebrity namesake, she is going to prematurely choke and die.”
“Says the guy who always looks like he just got evicted. Adam bombs so much that Isis uses him in their training videos.”
“Thank you tiny Sofia Vergara.”
“That’s a compliment.”
“I know, it is a compliment, it is. I’m that confident, ok… Sharon is Cuban though, she’s Cuban, give respect to that. It’s fucking amazing too, her entire extended family floated to Miami on her tits. And for a woman with no kids, that’s a lot of milk for the journey.”
“Alright, uh… Adam is a lot like Andy Kaufman. He has perfected the craft of performing in silence, and he’s also proof that cancer only takes the good ones.”
“Sharon has exclusively dated sexually deviants, alcoholics and gay men. What a fuckin’ wasted opportunity. She could’ve been fucking Spacey, Weinstein and Lauer.”
The joke doesn’t get any love from the crowd, but Coach Tea drops a rim shot that gets a good pop out of the crowd.
“Adam lists Second City as his training. Second City lists Adam as the reason everybody goes to UCB.”
Sharon Houston crushes it, and Adam… Well, Pat Barker said it best.
“Adam you’re from where, Boston? Yeah, I can tell because your shit was a marathon that ended in a bombing.” – Pat Barker
Sharon gets props from all the judges and takes the win.
Brody Stevens joins the already crowded judges just in time for the next battle, featuring Kelly McConville and Doon Sanders. Kelly has a broken arm and Doon is just broke. This battle is disappointing at best and cringe-worthy at worst. Coach Tea tops off the last joke with sad violin music, and garners chants of, “Coach Tea! Coach Tea! Coach Tea!”
Doon got a good laugh after Kelly’s first joke bombed, and he remarked, “I can see you didn’t break your arm writing.” But that was the highlight and his jokes also bombed. Coach Tea is awarded the win, so it’s officially the second double-loss of the night. Moving closer to the main event the crowd is starving for a decent matchup.
Jasmin Leigh dances to the stage and starts talking moisturizer with Moses.
“Is this your guys’ version of breaking out into a Creed song?” – Mike Lawrence
“What is Creed?” – Jasmin Leigh
Kevin McNamara is brought up, and Jasmin calls first joke.
“Kevin used to be a Vine star because six seconds is all you can tolerate him.”
“Jasmin looks like she’s one fight at McDonald’s short of being Internet famous.”
Looks like there’s a finally solid bout happening. These aren’t greatest battlers of all time, but they’re on their game tonight.
“Kevin’s biggest accomplishment was learning to duck when walking through doorways. …’cause he’s tall and dumb, guys.”
“Jasmin is what you get if Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles starts selling sex dolls.”
“Kevin’s really into role-playing. In bed he tells women to call him funny.”
“Jasmin you’re right, I am an actor and I do play a lot of roles. In fact, I have 22 TV and film credits, which is 10 more than your credit score.”
Despite Jasmin bombing her second joke, this was a fun, well-matched battle. Kevin has a light response to his last joke, but he seems to have the edge overall. The judges admit Kevin has the lead, but give even more of a consensus to see one more joke. Kevin Mac goes first this time:
“Jasmin looks like she’d pay her bills and mail them with food stamps.”
“Kevin looks like the only slave owner to appropriate our culture.”
Let’s go to the judges.
“I gotta give the edge to Magic Open Mic.” – Pat Barker
Brody Stevens flubs and calls Jasmin “Jandice” setting up Bert to repeat the error, which in turn sparks chants of “Jandice! Jandice! Jandice!”
Bert Kreischer gives high praise to Jasmin, but gives the win to Kevin. This is an undercard, so it is decided by audience vote. Moses surveys the crowd once and it’s too close to call. If this were a dance battle, Jasmin would have won, but joke for joke Kevin earned the win. However, likability does go a long way, and Kevin citing the number of TV and film credits he has isn’t the most likable thing to do. After a second vote, Moses calls it a draw. Both battlers put on a good show and satiated the bloodthirsty crowd. It was a nice appetizer for our three-course main event.
Nicole Becannon steps into the Comedy Thunderdome to wage war in her first three round main event against one of the best battlers of all time, Keith Carey. Keith jumps on first joke – the only way he can jump – and round one begins:
“You guys, Nicole’s come a long way very quickly. She started comedy at twenty-two, and now two short years later, she’s forty-five.”
“I’d like to start off by congratulating Keith’s mom on being engage for the fifth time. That’s crazy, five times and not once has she been engaged in Keith’s life.”
“Nicole lost her virginity on an air mattress or as the rest of us call it: her back.”
“Keith’s bi-polar. Like he’s literally a globe with a North and South pole.”
“It’s true, I’m very fat, but looking at Nicole’s weird face, not even my arteries can stay hard.”
“You know, Keith, it doesn’t even hurt my feelings that you don’t think I’m attractive and that you wouldn’t fuck me, because sticks and stones would break my bones but Keith would fucking crush me.”
Nicole puts the finishing touch on a flawless round with a banger, bringing out the Wave. Nicole receives a 4-2 judges’ vote, with unanimous acclaim for both participants. With the loss of the first round, Keith defers to Nicole to start round two.
“Keith saw his mom overcome her heroin addiction, then when he walked in on her getting gangbanged he watched her over-cum again.”
“Keith gets PTSD every time he looks in the mirror because he’s shaped like the balloons his mom used to shove up her butt.”
“Keith moved from Seattle when he was four ’cause his mom couldn’t be trusted around the Space Needle.”
“Nicole tried to kill herself a year ago, and judging from her eyes, I guess she pulled it off.”
“Nicole’s roommate in the psych ward had multiple personalities. It’s a shame she couldn’t let you borrow one of them.”
“This is true: Nicole attempted suicide on her mom’s birthday, and I think I speak for your whole family when I say, Christmas is right around the corner.”
Keith gets a unanimous judges’ vote, and this battle is shaping up to be an all-time great. Bert Kreischer chooses Keith to kick off the final round.
“Nicole grew up in a racist town, so her eye’s not lazy. It’s just making sure the Wave’s over here not stealing anything.”
“Ya know, Keith actually tried to hang himself, but broke the ceiling ’cause he was too fat. Which is exactly what happens when the only thing you’re starved for is attention.”
“Man, a lot of depression talk tonight, I feel bad for how sad Nicole is, I’d tell you to keep your chin up, but it’s like which one?”
“Keith’s eyes are always twitching because even soul is trying to jump out its windows.”
“Nicole has a gay brother, or at least that what he said when she tried to suck his cock.”
“Keith was actually supposed to be on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11. It sucks you missed out, I mean it’s every faggots dream to smash something tall and erect on a date you’ll never forget.”
“Can I say something? I love that this is the only show in the world where you can write a 9/11 joke and be like, ‘Not rough enough, put faggot in there.”
“As bad as the two of you are at suicide, that’s how good you are at Roast Battle. And I’m glad you both failed in your attempts.” – Pat Barker
After professing his love for Keith, Bert Kreischer makes his official vote for Nicole along with all the other judges. Nicole Becannon wins in what was one of the best battles in the history of the show.
There’s a concept in pro wrestling of putting somebody over. It means you lose a match to make the other person look good and make the crowd embrace them. Mick Foley was the best at that because he would get the ever-loving shit beat out of him while telling a great story simultaneously. Keith is great at this too. Nobody puts people over like Carey. He has this rare combination of cuntiness and likability that is just perfect for Roast Battle. He’s also a fantastic writer, fun performer and the love he has for this show is contagious. If you took the spirit of Roast Battle and artificially inseminated a heroin addict with it, she would give birth to Keith Carey. There must have been some magic in that old silky load his mom took so many years ago. I sincerely hope he never stops battling. Keith Carey is Roast Battle. Nicole Becannon has been on a fucking tear. She’s a bad bitch with some serious fucking skills. I feel sorry for whoever has to face her next.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.