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by Tony Bartolone, photos by Troy Conrad

We’re taking a break from watching the Summer Games to bring you some competition of our own. You don’t have to be in Rio or even own a TV to enjoy this mayhem. You don’t even have to be in peek physical condition to compete! We have some Olympic-quality matches this week. Starting with a less than world-class verbal fencing.

The first undercard features Courtney Banks (0-3, Unranked) taking on Gaum Felix (6-1, #28). After an awkward attempt at a theatrical entrance by a ski masked Gaum and crew, Courtney lands a pretty solid shot in the pre-battle banter.

“I just thought it was really weird that Guam called me out because I know that he’s celibate. So I don’t understand why he wants to get fucked tonight.”

Guam being celibate is like somebody bragging about not going to a party they weren’t invited to in the first place. We can tell by looking at him than nobody’s fucking him. Yeah, he’s celibate, but he shouldn’t celebrate it. On to the battle.

“Courtney’s such a slut one time I jacked off on her head shot and the picture swallowed.”

“Guam is a true inspiration to me because I really wanna have kids. And if I’m any kind of a parent that Guam is I know I’ll never have to see them.”

“Courtney’s dad is black and her mom is white, which makes her half African-American, half rape victim.”

“You know, Guam reminds me a lot of a jackass and it’s not because he’s a jerk. It’s because his hair looks like he’s trying to swat flies off his ass.”

“Courtney, if we find out that you have AIDS we’re gonna have to hire a whole new door staff here at the Comedy Store.”

“Guam has been homeless twice. And it’s kinda ironic that he’s a door guy because barely ever has one.”

Courtney has some interstitial attempts at comebacks that didn’t land. Guam’s first and third jokes are actually pretty solid. However, I hate his second joke. Not because it’s offensive, but because it’s lazy. I think we can put the kibosh on “their mom is this and their dad is that, which means they are _______” jokes. I say that now, but when my next battle comes around, I’ll probably write one myself. 

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Guam walks away with the win, but in the words of Iliza Shlesinger:

“Much like Guam the territory, this didn’t really matter.”

The next battle gets the Belly Room shaking. Sarah Keller (2-2, Unranked) and Lindsey Jennings (2-3-1, #49) are out for blood, and the bloodthirsty crowd is more than happy to be splattered in bodily fluids. I hope you brought your chains and brass knuckles, because this is a straight-up street fight. Lindsey starts off with a bit of a clunker, but things pick up quickly.

“Sarah’s from Minnesota where the winters are almost as long as her nipple hair.”

“What can I say about Lindsey that hasn’t already been said? Except maybe, I’m proud of you.”

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Sarah sticks a room exploder right off the bat prompting Wayne Federman to blurt out, “That’ll be tough to recover from.” But Jennings is right back on offense with one hell of a haymaker.

“Sarah’s got a dead-beat dad and she rides horses, so she’s used to clinging to something as it runs away.”

Sarah is unfazed and comes right back with a solid gut shot.

“Lindsey’s a lot like the Comedy Store: covered in writing and filled with comedians.”

Lindsey comes back off the ropes swinging hard.

“Sarah looks like every basic bitch whose husband is cheating on her with me.”

“I wouldn’t say that Lindsey has genital warts. I’d say she’s ribbed for your pleasure.”

The crowd is unruly. The energy is reverberating off the mirrors lining the Belly Room walls. The fans demand one more joke and the Sarah is happy to oblige.

“Lindsey’s performed in every room at the Comedy Store. Anally.”

“Sarah, you look like you’d suck dick for a state fair funnel cake.”

Sarah’s clever uppercut hits big, but there’s something beautiful about Lindsey’s line. It’s like poetry. I don’t know if Edward Allen Poe ever talked shit on Emily Dickinson, but if he did he might say, “She’d suck a dick for a state fair funnel cake.” I have to say though, there’s really no shame in that. Funnel cakes are delicious and pretty expensive. Hell, I’d suck a dick if it tasted like a state fair funnel cake. With no clear winner, we go to double overtime.

“Sarah doesn’t talk to her dead-beat dad because it’s like beating a dead horse, and she prefers to beat one that’s living. Beat off one that’s living. Fuck!”

Lindsey catches a flub and tries to correct it, turning what appeared to be an animal rights joke into the exact opposite, a bestiality joke. This really shows what a huge difference one three-letter word can make. Sarah capitalizes on her mistake.

“As she just demonstrated, Lindsey has more words on the outside of her head than she does on the inside.”

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The crowd clearly declares Sarah the winner of an insanely fun undercard. Sarah brings some truly inspired jokes, and Lindsey is entertaining as ever. This just might be the fight of the night.

The next battle is an interesting one. South of the Border Hoarder Anna Valenzuela (4-1, #25) steps up to battle IRS auditor Nat Baimel (0-3, Unranked). Nat has about as much fun as anybody can have onstage, and the crowd has a ton of fun watching him. One of the great things about Roast Battle is it has all these chaotic elements crashing into each other, and sometimes they sync in a wonderful display of organic symphony. Coach T plays the Happy Days theme song, The Wave starts a sing-a-long dance party and Nat joins in exploiting his own whiteness. There’s something absolutely joyful about watching a goofy white dude own his goofy white dude-ness. This scene of course prompted everybody’s favorite hater, Earl Skakel: 

“There were not three black guys on Happy Days!” 

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Nat picks up on something that was already in the room and jumps on it. Earlier in the evening, Iliza went on little rant about how it’s low hanging fruit to call women whores onstage. So when asked why he was battling Anna, Nat replies:

“I’ll be honest, I just wanted to call a girl a whore a bunch of times onstage.”

He takes charge and volunteers to go first.

“Anna’s a Mexican who can’t find love. She’s gonna die an old maid personally and professionally.”

“Nat has a mind for comedy and a nose for catching rings at a carnival.”

“Anna’s super clingy. It’s like she’s practicing for the day she gets turned into glue.”

And with this, we’re one horse joke shy of getting blogged about by animal rights activists. It’s a really smart joke that takes a second to connect with the crowd, but gets a solid delayed reaction. Then Nat adds, “Also, she’s a whore.” This gets a big pop and cracks up Anna too. After high fives from the wave Nat proudly proclaims, “This is the most black people have ever liked me onstage.” Which garners in some rolling laughter. Nat really owns this room.

“Nat didn’t start jerking off until he was sixteen years old, making his balls as hot and as cramped as the ovens his grandparents died in.”

Anna gets some love for this one before adding, “Also, he’s a whore.” This tag gets her a huge roar from the fans and out comes The Wave.

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“Anna does karate. She’s always trying to break things apart, like blocks of wood and other comics’ marriages.”

“Nat told me he has a big dick, and I believe you. My question is, why is it attached to your face?”

Again, the crowd demands one more joke. James Davis has something to say about that. “I don’t want to do one more joke if you guys really don’t have another joke.” And Shlesinger interjects. “He doesn’t want you to waste his time. Whoever this person is sitting next to me.” And the jokes roll on.

“Nat’s the kind of guy who would fuck Anne Frank and then cough really loud on the way out.”

“Anna looks like a groupie for bands that only play at casinos.”

Iliza states repeatedly that she thought Anna’s last joke was layered, James Davis said it was gangster and Wayne agreed that it was “layered gangster.” Nat’s deceptively simple last joke attacks Anna’s looks, age, and general temperament in one slick line, and it’s a reference I’ve never heard used before. But as I’m learning from the watching the Olympics (that I’m half watching while writing this) you have to stick the dismount. As entertaining as Nat was, Anna finished stronger. Anna gets more cheers giving her the win. 

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On to our main event. Ex-junkie Dan Nolan (7-4, #7) steps into the ring to take on the deceptively boring Toby Muresianu (6-3, #11). This match up looks like an ex-con versus his probation officer. Coach T plays Dan out to “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister in reference to Dan quitting heroin. Coach T is a national treasure.

Let’s why find out why they’re battling. Toby, why are you battling Dan?

“Because he’s a great writer and a terrible person. And he’s an former heroin addict and I want my stereo back.”

And Dan, why you taking on Toby?

“I used to put a lot of needles in my arm. I’m not afraid of a little prick.”

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These guys are pros. Take notes, all you jabronis who want to get to main events. That’s how it’s done. As I’m sure Dan did many times in his drug days, he wants to go first.

“Toby hates online dating because they won’t let him list his preferred sex as forced anal.”

“In jail, Dan was so afraid of dropping the soap that he still doesn’t use it.”

“You look like you got fired from Circuit City for cowardice.”

“Dan regrets getting his brother addicted to heroin because that’s one less family member to steal from.”

“Toby used to be a software engineer, but the only thing he ever successfully developed was an addiction to child pornography.”

“Dan, you look like you went to jail just for the bologna sandwiches.”

Josh Meyrowitz finally gets a proper wrestling chant to catch on. Of all the chants he ever tried to start, the one that catches on is “Heroin Addict (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap) Heroin Addict (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap).” Dan comes out firing on all cylinders in this first round. That Circuit City cowardice joke made me laugh harder than state fair funnel cake. It let’s your imagine run wild with all the possible scenarios of Toby being a coward he’d have to rack up before getting fired. The judges give Nolan the first round win, and winner goes first in round two.

“Toby’s comedy is so dry it reminds women of their pussies when they think of him.”

“I spent six months in jail, but that wasn’t as long and boring of a sentence as literally every one that comes out Toby’s dumb fucking mouth.”

“Toby’s such a dull tool I want to fashion him into a prison shank.”

“Dan’s teeth are like his gigs, few and far between.”

“Dan, I don’t know what you’ve used more, heroin or your three jokes about heroin.”

“Dan’s a one liner comic. If he dies in an overdose it’ll just be one more thing he rips off Mitch Hedberg.”

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Toby wins round two, which means he kicks off the final round.

“Dan steals a lot of material. Mostly copper wire from construction sites.”

“Toby mentioned my teeth. He’s right, I do have fucked up teeth, and he’s such a little fairy he should be putting money under my pillow.”

Dan starts a downward turn here. The joke gets a mild reaction, and Nolan leans back into the curtain trying to disappear. Toby continues his consistent assault.

“Jail prepared Dan for his stand up career because he’s used to taking shits in the middle of the room with one person watching.”

“Toby didn’t have a lot of role models growing up, mostly ’cause the way – fucking shit… Toby didn’t have a lot of role models growing up, mostly due to the way mainstream media underrepresents gay robots.”

This is the biggest bomb of the battle. It’s always rough to see somebody fumble a joke. And as somebody who’s done it, it’s even rougher to be the person fumbling. But Dan hangs in there and sees the rest of the round through.

“Dan, you look like you joined the Aryan Brotherhood of the traveling pants.”

“Toby has a hard time reading audiences. He keeps trying to read them from right to left because he’s a fucking Jeeeeew.”

Toby’s last two jokes get monstrous laughs from the fans, and he is the obvious victor. These two battlers have opposite momentum shifts. Dan starts off strong and slowly deteriorates, and Toby starts off slow and picks up pace landing punch after punch. Dan Nolan is the hardest working man in Roast Battle. He’s given more quality main events this year than any other battler. He even beat Pat Barker. But perhaps he finally burnt himself out. Asperger’s Assassin Toby Muresianu has really made a name for himself. We can expect him to jump into the top ten booting Nolan down the rankings. I’m really looking forward to Dan’s return when he takes on Lindsey Jennings. He’s a heroin addict and she’s a Suicide Girl, it’s gonna be like watching two train wrecks get into a train wreck.

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Get down to the Belly Room to witness the extravaganza of Roast Battle!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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