After the last comedian, or whatever Boon Shakalaka is, of the night, Josh Meyrowitz takes the stage to kick off a night of battles and bring the energy to explosive heights on this 9/11. Ready to ruin this explosive energy, ironically by bombing, Doug Ecks and Richard Older. Doug is wearing pink camouflage pants, a suit jacket over a t-shirt, and pink sunglasses and Richard has a neckbeard on something that doesn’t even qualify as a neck. Moses makes Richard go first and these two are off to do exactly what it looked like they were going to do.

“Doug looks like someone who spends too much time in a van selling candy to children and when the parents see him, they pull their children a little bit closer.”

“Richard’s trying to make it as a screenwriter and a comedian. He has the wherewithal to withstand criticism like ‘you need to get a safety net or a real job’ or ‘you have no fucking talent and you’re not gonna go anywhere’ and that’s just his parents… but….”

Doug goes into a monologue that I refuse to type in its entirety since the funniest part about it was that it didn’t end until Coach T started playing the Jeopardy theme.

“So Doug’s a lawyer. He’s a defense attorney. He wanted to defend criminals because he knew it was the only way he’d meet people shittier than himself.”

Coach T plays the intro to Law and Order Special Victim’s Unit, causing the crowd to explode into laughter and chants of his name. Clearly flustered, Doug begins his next joke.

“Richard’s so broke. He’s a Lyft driver which is what every comic does but what makes him special is that I paid him 25 dollars to pick up a mic stand for me which he did, and then there was a five dollar add on part that was missing. He’s that kind of broke that he had to go back in his car, drive for another hour on Lyft so he could pay the extra five bucks before I could pay him back.”

The wave yells “Keep going” and the crowd chants “needs more words.” Doug tries to continue until the judges assure him they were kidding.

“Doug, did you finish early like you did with your girlfriends?”

The crowd jeers in hatred of this meaningless joke but Richard assumes it’s because they are offended.

“What? You’re gonna get soft now? Jesus Christ.”

“Richard, everything about you is soft. You don’t have a hard edge on your entire body. Now, Richard hasn’t had a girlfriend in two years which I don’t give a shit about because I had a four year gap myself or as I like to call it, an extended refractory period but his fantasy is just having some girl to go down on, not go down on him, not fuck him, just a girl he can give pleasure to, which I would say is low self-esteem, but actually it’s very accurate self-analysis.”

With that, the battle is over. The crowd is dying of laughter at this point due to the sheer lack of self-awareness it took for Doug to finish his unbelievably wordy jokes.

“That is the most non-compelling thing I have ever seen on a stage. I still can’t believe you dressed that way and found a way to be more embarrassing.” -Keith Carey

When all is said and done, everyone is in agreement that Coach T won this battle, hands down.

Once whatever that was is out of the way, the show can move on with some actual roast battles. Moses brings up rookie comedian Ryan Neser and Philly’s Herman Wrice. Ryan steps up to take the first shot.

“9/11. Jesus Christ. I can’t believe it’s been 17 years since I saw something this tall and ashy… except none of us will remember him after tonight.”

“Ryan is shaped like a strong ass bottle of Elmer’s glue… and just like Elmer’s glue his jokes just don’t stick.”

“Herman identifies as a black, heterosexual male. Everyone else identifies him as the suspect.”

“Ryan’s girlfriend identifies as a 12 year boy who stopped taking his transgender pills.”

“Herman’s mom works for Amtrak. She’s literally had a thousand trains run on her and he’s the only accident.”

“Ryan’s dad died of cancer eleven years ago. Now every time I hear him perform I get sad and not because his dad died of cancer, but because the cancer wasn’t hereditary.”

The judges give praise to both battlers. For a five-month comic from Simi Valley, Ryan gave a somewhat impressive performance. After seeing some actual jokes, the crowd is excited and the vote is too close to call, pushing the battle to overtime.

“Ryan has an online marketing company, which is black for ‘he don’t got a job’ and just like a black person he honestly thinks he’s gonna be successful.”

The crowd is silent other than Moses’s confused exclamation of “What the…”

“You sold out your race and you still bombed.” -Mike Lawrence

“Herman played Division 1 basketball. How? I’ve seen you play, man. You dribble worse than Muhammed Ali at a water fountain.”

Ryan’s joke gets the room and he earns the win in overtime.

Up next, Julian Fernandez takes on newcomer Joy Mamey, who is eager and maybe a little overly rehearsed.

“Julian lives in the garage of his mom and dad’s house. That’s funny cuz I thought you’d be living in a cage ripped away from your parents”

“Joy looks like the only gypsy that would get friend zoned by Quasimoto.”

Julian does an impression of the beloved character saying they should just be friends, putting his unique skill to use.

“Julian is 26…Monster energy drinks away from his first heart attack.”

“Joy used to entertain kids at birthday parties. She’d bring them bowls of fruit loops and tell them ‘just follow your nose!”

Once again, Julian pulls out an impression, getting a big response from the audience.

“Thank you kid who was picked last at Home Depot.”

Julian interrupts Joy as she tries to go into her joke, though it falls flat.

“I may be Mexican but that nose could hold all the cocaine in Colombia.”

“Julian’s last girlfriend said he didn’t want him going down on her. She was just so tired of Mexicans thinking they contribute.”

Joy confidently swings the microphone after a tepid response from the crowd.

“Joy’s father used to beat her as a kid which is sad because he could’ve used that energy to beat cancer.”

Moses points out that it seems the theme of the night is cancer dads, prompting a chant. Most of the judges pick Joy to win out of pure hatred of Julian’s ponytail, however, the audience is able to overlook it and picks him for the victory.

Next, Canada’s Daniel Moquin battles Boston’s Alex Gettlin.

“Are we celebrating 9/11 by having two conspiracy theorists battle it out?” -Mike Lawrence

Daniel volunteers to go first.

“Man, Alex has got a real case of ‘I just hit a woman in her face’ face.”

“Good one, Ellen Degenerate. If Daniel’s life was a movie, it would be 12 years a rave.”

“Alex is a great bro. He’ll spot you at the gym, he’ll buy you a beer, if you had a bad day he’ll let you finish in his moth. Seriously, you look like every gay for pay porn actor who just can’t wait to get to work in the morning.”

“You look like if Smeagol was a barista. Daniel’s spirit animal is a vape pen.”

“Hey did you know if you say Joe Rogan three times into a mirror, Alex will cum in his pants.”

“Daniel looks like if they did a Glee reboot but instead of singing, they just chain-smoked cigarettes.”

The battle starts out slow but picks up steam towards the end. Daniel’s momentum grows through his three jokes while the response to Alex’s jokes remain consistently moderate. Daniel takes the audience vote and we’re onto the main event.

Josh Waldron takes the stage and announces,

“I wanted to battle Sarah because her dad has cancer and that is very sad.”

The callback gets a big pop, starting the battle off on a high note. Moses brings Sarah Keller to the stage who walks on confident and ready to go. She agrees to take the bullet and start off the battle.

“Josh looks like the first time he saw a pussy, he said ‘ew’”

“Sarah, you look like you complain at Target because they don’t carry MAGA hats.”

“What is a MAGA hat?” -Jeremiah Watkins

After Make America Great Again hats are explained to Jeremiah, Sarah continues with her next joke.

“A lot of people think Josh is ethnically ambiguous. I think it’s pretty clear that he’s a faggot.”

“Sarah’s brother is on the FBI’s most watched list. He’s the only person in the family people want to watch.”

“That was a good one Samurai Jacks off to his own headshot. You look like a hentai character and the guy that masturbates to them.”

“Sarah’s over here making fun of my looks while she’s over here looking like a participation trophy wife.”

“Sarah opens up for Chris Redd on the road while he headlines. Normally when she opens up for black guys, the lineup is much longer.”

“It’s like you don’t know me at all. Josh, you look like your first words were ‘Don’t take this the wrong way but…’”

Sarah’s impression and delivery hits the room hard and Jeremiah exclaims,

“OOH, she called you a SASSY bitch.”

Josh’s microphone goes out but seamlessly corrects the situation by taking Sarah’s microphone.

“Sarah gives guided horseback riding tours… sorry, Sarah gives guys bareback riding tours.”

They continue the battle by handing the mic back and forth because they’re pros and teamwork makes the dream work.

“I train horses and I don’t have to notify my exes when I ride bareback. Josh looks like his idea of toxic masculinity is wearing pants that fit. Seriously those pants are so tight I can almost see your clit.”

“Sarah wants to be a model too. She’s just waiting for PBR to release a calendar.”

This battle is by far the best of the night. Josh and Sarah are clearly friends, had a lot of fun and were super entertaining. The judges are split on who won the battle and the battle is pushed into overtime after Mike’s rant about why “participation trophy wife” doesn’t make sense.

“Sarah has a Lynyrd Skynyrd tattoo. That band died in a plane. Sarah will die very plain.”

“Josh is such a pretentious hipster, he got his AIDS from a record player.”

Josh’s overtime joke falls flat while Sarah’s spot-on joke is the final kill shot of the night.

“I’m very offended that you made fun of people dying on planes.” -Saudi Prince

The judges unanimously pick Sarah who wins 9/11, along with cancer dads!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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