I will start this coverage of Tuesday’s Roast Battle with a sigh, like many that were trapped in the Comedy Store walls that night. Sometimes in life, in spite of your excitement or determination, Murphy’s Law is still chilling in the corner of the room.. sipping on a martini.. waiting to strike. Let’s take Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace for example. Star Wars fans spent 16 years jerking off in their parents’ garage to the idea of chaining up a beautiful bikini-clad woman and frenching their sisters. But when The Phantom Menace came out, most of these gastropods left the theatres questioning if their entire lives had been a lie. How about losing your virginity? You imagine placing rose petals on luxurious linens, lighting candles, and making sweet love… perhaps on your wedding night. Instead, what do you feel the morning after you wake up and realize you probably just got HPV? Disappointment, my friends. Tuesday felt like finding out you didn’t get into college but Felicity Huffman’s daughter did. Soul crushing, god-awful, disappointment. However, the host and the judges managed to have a great time anyways! They certainly saved the night with their unmatchable wit.

Roast Battle favorites Mike Lawrence, Don Barris, and Jeff Ross took a seat next to birthday girl Nicole Becannon on the judges panel and the battles began.

Our first battle was Ahmed Al-Kadri against Ryan Kelly. Ryan volunteers to go first.

“Ladies and gentlemen: whenever I see Ahmed coming, I’m never sure if it’s 7-11 or 9-11, ok? The only thing I know for sure is that if I win this battle, we should rename it a drone strike.”

“Good one, Leonardo DiCaprio if he rode the bus. Ryan works as a prince in Disneyland after being a child at Neverland.”

“Thank you Isis tech support. It is so brave for Ahmed to look this gay while also being Muslim. Some would say it takes stones.”

“I look gay, but you look like a school shooter without the confidence. Ryan was raised middle class Christian in Missouri. This is a turducken of white supremacy.”

“Thank you Bollywood Twilight. Ahmed was actually in a frat in college believe it or not, which explains why Ahmed and his friends never flew for Spring Break.”

“I’m being roasted by mannequin that turned to life. This is true. Ryan’s father raised him Christian, even though he’s ethnically jewish. His mother raised him straight, even though he is obviously gay.”

The judges unanimously give it to Ahmed, who takes home the win. However, Mike Lawrence said it best: “You are so proud of yourself, but you shouldn’t be.”

Next up, Abraham Boche and James Bida take the stage. James goes first.

“Abraham is a former meth head. He used to do a lot of the ice, as they call it. Nowadays the only ICE he interacts with suspects him to be a drug mule and gives him cavity searches at the border. They never find any. Just his stand up material.”

“You used to be a female, bro. What the fuck are you doing to yourself? Now you just look like effeminate butch.”

“I wasn’t an actual female, but I did have boobs. We can talk about it later. Abraham, you less relevant Sinbad. Abraham loves taking selfies with comics. If you scroll down his instagram page, it’s all selfies. You’ll start to wonder, “is he just trying to convince his son that he’s still relevant or is he trying to convince himself he has a career in comedy?”

“Fuck you, James.”

Since the audience actually laughed at this, they all start yelling at Abraham to stop his joke at that. We all collectively know that somehow “fuck you” will be better than anything else he attempts to sculpt into a punchline. Yet, he continues.

“Bitch, you look like Buffalo Bill. The only difference is he doesn’t have a penis to tuck in.”

“Abraham looks like the MS-13 pedophile uncle who takes care of the kids at Sunday School Bible school. If the kids don’t laugh at his jokes, he invites them back over for sleepovers. The worst part is that none of the kids laugh at his jokes.”

“Fuck you, James.”

At this point in the night, the audience completely turns on Abraham and James, whom they trusted to give a performance and haven’t. Much like the recent Michael Jackson documentary, Leaving Neverland, this audience is wondering how much longer it will go on for and how much worse it can get. Unable to take any more of what feels like verbal child molestation, they start chanting “make it stop” at the two battlers.

“This motherfucker lives in a mobile home. He keeps telling people he lives in Beverly Hills. Yeah, because you fucking drove there…”

The audience is yelling so loudly in disapproval of his “joke writing”, his last joke is barely audible but ends with something like–

“Otherwise he might get another ticket on his house.”

It was awful, but the judges comforts the audience like a good parent does after their child takes a tumble. They remind the crowd what laughter feels like again and all is right in the world.

“We learned what would happen tonight if Mencia wrote his own jokes.” – Mike Lawrence

The last battle of the night featured Berenice Ashikian and Nate Banditelli. Berenice comes on stage with a shy girl charm we’re all kinda into. Chantmaster Josh Meyrowitz yells out “AW, she’s adorable!”. When asked why she’s roasting Nate, she says, “I thought I’d be an ideal opponent since he’s never won a battle, but I’m still scared since he’s so good.. at terrifying women.” Nate is brought up next and threatens to wrap her up in the plastic belly room wall and dump her body if the battle didn’t go well. Classy. The battle begins.

“Bernice’s mom was a maid who got knocked up by a guy who split. Her life is the story of when a housekeeper met a homewrecker.”

“Nate’s a fan of pro wrestling, but his racist family won’t watch it with him cause they only like seeing black people on the ropes.”

“Thank you, Bernie Sandwich. Berenice is half Mexican, half Armenian. She crossed the border after high school. She’s nervous all of the time. If you’re still not convinced that she’s a mule, just look at her.”

“Nate’s an accomplished Boy Scout, he earned his first aid badge for sewing up his mom after she slit her wrist.”

“Berenice bangs when she’s drunk. I said that wrong. Berenice cut those bangs when she was drunk.”

“Nate’s an Italian Jew, he can make you a pizza and then go with it in the oven.”

With a loss under her belt, Berenice came back with a vengeance and won her second Roast Battle. I’m fairly certain she will be back for more. With undercards galore tonight and no main event in sight, Brian Moses points out Wild N’ Out’s Corey Charron, who is sitting in the audience. With a little encouragement from the patrons, he agrees to come up to the stage. Moses asks for suggestions from the audience and Corey saves the night with a funny freestyle.

There you have it, folks. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to. You just have to get back up, and pray there is a freestyling genius willing to lend his talents for the entertainment of monsters. See you next week, friends.

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