In the late 90’s the World Wrestling Federation entered a period that many still consider the greatest era of pro wrestling in sports entertainment history. It was the Attitude Era. The era of middle fingers, beer chugging and “Suck it!” Although this stretch of choreographed fighting was one the most popular of all time, many argue that it was an awful time for women in wrestling. Women were treated as sex props and their matches were more clothed porn scenes than pre-determined competition. This is a completely valid criticism. However, one can’t help but miss the over-the-top antics of D-Generation X, The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Even if Jerry “The King” Lawler was just male chauvinism wearing a crown, it was extremely entertaining. So while some assholes will accuse Roast Battle of being bullying or misogynistic or racist, it is infinitely entertaining in the same way pro wrestling once was. Even in the Attitude Era, Chyna was the first woman to win the Intercontinental Championship. An achievement that remains solely hers to this day. So maybe we’re not as progressive as we think, and we just need a no holds barred Thunderdome to let it all hang out in the name of entertainment. Because if America isn’t entertaining, then just what the fuck is it? Whatever!
Judging tonight we have a diverse panel of black guy, Mexican guy, white guy. Dwayne Perkins is a comedy vet with a few Conan sets under his belt, and a stand up special currently streaming on Netflix. He’ll no doubt employ his experienced comedic mind to burn the shit out of depressed battlers in the Belly Room tonight. Ramon Rivas has presided over a number of Roast Battles in recent history, coupling a relaxed vibe and nonchalant insults. Finally, the token white guy on our panel tonight is the wildly talented, Hampton Yount. Hampton has been running around crushing stages in the LA comedy scene for many years now. He co-hosts a podcast called Suicide Buddies, so he should fit right in here. Let’s Roast!
The first fight of the night pits Tom Whalen against Mia Mars.
Tom Whalen has shown plenty of potential, but has yet to really fulfill it. That statement also accurately describes Mia Mars. Mia has an interesting look, like a struggling single mother who casts spells on her kids’ soccer coaches. Or a gargoyle who does acoustic covers of The Cure. Or what happens when you feed Veronica Mars after midnight. Or if Fairuza Balk from The Craft grew up to teach Arts & Crafts. Tom, on the other hand, looks like every fat comedian in every 90’s movie become one sad, loud person. He has a lot of energy onstage, but he’s too fat and poor to be a cokehead. He’s like Chris Farley if everybody wanted him to OD. Tom was initially pitched this contest to exorcise the demon so obviously inhabiting Mia, but declined because he heard exercise. I’m not sure what Whalen did to be haunted by this ghoul, but if he wins tonight she will be sent back to the spirit realm.
Tonight’s second battle sees Kelsey Lane defending herself against Ashley Johnson.
Kelsey Lane has been battling pretty consistently over the past couple years, and she’s been a lesbian those couple of years much less consistently. Ashley Johnson sounds like a chick she’d lick, but he’s actually a large, hairy dude. Ashley looks like a bouncer at a Trump rally. Ashley’s two favorite things are butter rum. Kelsey often does material about how she likes to peg men, and Ashley does material about how hard it is to have a peg leg. He looks like he hides maple bars in his beard. Kelsey looks like somebody cloned Avril Lavigne’s period. She looks like the Disney Channel’s version of a clit-nibbler. It looks like a battle between a heroin addict and her dealer. It’s rug-muncher verses regular-muncher. A big, bad brawl between pill-popper and the Pills-bearded Doughboy. If Kelsey wins, Ashley will release her girlfriend that he has locked in a basement somewhere. And if Ashley wins, she’ll have to put on a strap-on and get locked in that basement herself for Johnson’s viewing pleasure. High stakes tonight in our Belly Room fight night.
Our final match tonight throws Jasmin Leigh in shark-infested waters to take on Mark “The Shark” Stevens.
You might recognize Jasmin from bombing on Season 2’s Road to Roast Battle or performing as part of Black History Month’s “The Weave” or screaming spastically from behind the judges every week. For somebody who can’t seem to write a joke, she certainly gets herself on the show a lot. Speaking of not being able to write a joke, she’s stepping into the ring with everybody’s favorite Bostonian, Mark Stevens. I’m kidding, of course, nobody likes people from Boston. Okay, so some people from Boston are cool, but Mark definitely isn’t one of them. He was last seen in the Belly Room being dismantled by Caesar Lizardo, who gave him 13 Reasons Why he should take his own life. Don’t worry, he’d never do it, because he has an easy life that his parents pay for. Mark and Jasmin have had entertaining moments, respectively. They’re also undercard veterans, neither ever quite able to make the jump to main event level competition. This has the potential to be a fun fight between two friends, but can easily go the other way as so many of their battles have in the past. Will the bloodthirsty crowd grant them the attention that they so desperately crave? Tune in tonight to find out.
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