“If you didn’t come to fuckin’ participate, this is the wrong show for you.” – Brian Moses
We’re officially two weeks away from Roast Battle’s televised debut, and somehow, this crowd still doesn’t know how to handle the madness they’re witnessing. They remain silent when Moses takes the stage, but with a few waves of his hands and a little good-natured berating, the ringleader of this three-ring circus of hate whips everyone into a frenzy. Maybe it’s better that they don’t know what they’re in for. Gives them more room to fall in love with the show as much as the rest of this city has.
The night’s first undercard pits newcomers Isak Allen (0-1, Unranked) and Stephen Furey (1-0, Unranked) against each other in a battle for door guy supremacy!
Though this is the only fight on tonight’s card with no women involved, Isak probably spends more time on his luxurious mohawk than all the rest of the girls on the show do for their hair, combined. These two unassuming gents kick-start the proceedings with powerful blows, showing off that Comedy Store continues to hire some of the most promising young comics in the scene.
“Stephen is so generic, he looks like every photo inside of a picture frame already at Hobby Lobby.”
“Isak has a lot in common from Rufio from the movie Hook. He has the hair of a 13-year-old and surrounds himself with lost boys.”
“Stephen tries to sound so black on stage, his toughest decision is whether to use house voice or field voice.”
“Isak says his hair gives him an extra edge in comedy. I just hope he uses that to slit his wrists.”
“Stephen’s dating another open micer. Finally, two people in LA trying to fuck their way to the bottom!”
“Isak is also a failed musician. He used to be a drummer for the band Chink-182.”
The judges, popping in early, like what they see, with particular praise being sent Stephen’s way:
“Are you confident or on pills? I can’t tell.” – Annie Lederman
The audience vote is close, but in the end, Furey winds up with his first Roast Battle win.
The bar is set high for the rest of the night’s undercards, and, unfortunately, the next match – Temecula transplants Candiss Veree (0-1, Unranked) and Randy Villarba (1-0, Unranked) – can’t quite clear it.
Candiss comes out first, but doesn’t seem to understand how the show works, botching all her answers to Moses’ stock questions: would you let the Wave smash? Why are you battling? After flubbing her responses, nobody seems to know why she’s here. Earl offers up the first of many Uber rides home to Temecula.
Randy comes out with a nervous confidence, dressed sharply.
“I didn’t know Cesar Milan did comedy.” – Al Madrigal
His answer to Moses’ question goes over much better with the crowd:
“I hit on her, and she shut me down, so fuck this girl!” – Randy Villarba
Randy is no dog trainer, but he’s definitely ready to make Candiss his bitch. The jokes begin flying:
“Randy Villarba has had more bringer show producers bang around in his asshole than the lobby of the HaHa.”
“Candiss is wearing so much makeup that even Juggalos find her too clownish to rape.”
“I don’t know what’s sadder: the fact Randy posts so many pictures on his Facebook that are selfies of the Comedy Store, or that he couldn’t get one of the 5 to 7 people he was required to bring take it for him.”
"Candiss, you’re so white and hairy, you look like Jessica Rabbit actually fucked Roger Rabbit.”
“I feel bad for Randy. If he went missing, no one would look for him. He’s too dark for a milk carton, and too white for a Black Lives Matter poster.”
“Candiss, you have so many kids, putting your dick in a toaster comes with less safety risk.”
“Temecula just called, don’t come back.” – Earl Skakel
Randy’s first joke hits the hardest out of both comics’ entire sets, and the laughs taper off from there. Randy seems to be the crowd favorite compared to a visibly shaken Candiss. Even drop-in judge Hannibal Buress has a hard time figuring out who’s the better choice.
“I was really conflicted watching this, because the dude looks like he was on a thrift store makeover show, and the girl looks like one of the girls I used to fuck before I got famous.” – Hannibal Buress
Ultimately, Randy takes the audience vote in a landslide.
“I just think it was nice to finally see Manny Pacquiao win something.” – Al Madrigal
The third match of the night features our first set of Roast Battle veterans: Zane Pond (2-4, Unranked) and Lindsey Jennings (2-2-1, Unranked)
“As a father, that battle looks like the fuckin’ worst case scenario.” – Al Madrigal
These two are catty from the first moments Moses asks them why they’re battling each other:
“I’ve battled girls, I’ve battled guys, I’ve never battled anything like Zane.” – Lindsey Jennings
“Of all my friends who get naked for a living, she’s the only one who actually has a brain.” – Zane Pond
Shots fired. Everyone in the room is ready to see these two lay into each other, and, holy shit, they get their wish:
“Lindsey is like a U-Haul truck: you can rent her by the hour and she’s always ready to carry your load.”
“Zane, you should talk. You’ve had more loads shot inside you than an Orlando nightclub.”
“Lindsey’s pussy is like a Bud Light: cheap and full of yeast.”
“Zane’s not gay. He’s just trying to get AIDS so he can finally lose weight.”
“I might be a Jew, but I’ll never be as cheap as your pussy.”
“Zane’s dating an Asian twink, because Zane loves Twinkies, and Asians love pork rolls.”
After the room is rocked, the judges calm things down by shitting all over Zane’s fashion sense:
“Why is he wearing the wallpaper from the green room?” – Al Madrigal
“This dude is the worst-dressed gay person I’ve ever seen. You’ve got Tyler, The Creator’s t-shirt, Russell Westbrook’s pants, and Al Sharpton’s shoes.” – Hannibal Buress
“And no socks. Those t-cells are flying right out!” – Earl Skakel
In the end, Lindsey takes the round in a close vote. Zane takes the opportunity to re-evaluate his wardrobe. The two skip off back to the green room as the night’s final undercard competitors slink onto the stage: sweet cancer survivor Madison Sinclair (2-2, #46) against slick ex-defense attorney Mike Schmidt (4-0, #31).
These two are also consistent contenders in the Roast Battle ring, but Mike’s strength lies in one-liners already, as Madison admits in her pre-fight interview. She wants to beat him on his home turf, but as he proves with his ruthless jokes, that’s a lot to wish for.
“Mike’s marriage is on the rocks, but that’s just because objects as large as his wife are best parked on gravel.
"Hey Madison, how come every time a guy takes his wallet out near you, I can hear your pussy crack its knuckles?”
“Mike is an ex-criminal defender from Wisconsin who never wears his wedding ring. I could have a miscarriage right now and it still wouldn’t be the slimiest thing to come out of Madison.”
“While I was in Wisconsin, I won Funniest Comic In Madison. Here at the Comedy Store, that title changes hands nightly.”
“Mike is like a feminine condom: uncomfortable, greasy, and completely useless to women.”
“Madison is such a slut, her first words were ‘I don’t normally do this.’”
Madison’s lines get practically nothing from the crowd, while Mike tears the room up every single time he opens his mouth.
“I guess it’s harder to beat Michael than cancer.” – Kirk Fox
Mike takes the win in a walk, the cracking knuckles joke echoing in everyone’s minds. Hannibal offers up Madison the advice she needs to have a better shot at winning future battles:
“Madison, you’ve gotta be more secretive with your whoring!” – Hannibal Buress
Finally, the main event is here: highly anticipated returns from Connor McSpadden (7-2, #6) and Kim Congdon (6-3, #12). They get to the stage, Connor sporting one of Kim’s Custom Tit Tees, immediately drawing fire from her about how they’re the nicest tits he’ll ever have on his chest. But Connor isn’t about to take that lying down, as he proves right out of the gate by insulting Kim’s Kill Tony experience. Moses goes over the rules, and the first round gets underway:
“Kim’s comedy’s gotten more people to go outside than Pokémon Go.”
“Connor didn’t have a great childhood, but at least he got to play Poke-A-Man.”
“Kim works out because her career won’t.”
"Connor looks like an extra in a Super Soaker commercial.”
“Kim has HPV, which means so does everybody else here.”
“I wish I could say something. Connor’s in good health, but at least his molestor gave him a stroke.”
The first round is too close to call, with every joke getting buckets of laughter from the now fully-on-board crowd. Even the judges are split, though they all agree that there’s an intense battle building up here:
“This is like the rich asshole kid and his maid’s daughter.” – Al Madrigal
“This stage looks like every level of a prostitute transaction.” – Earl Skakel
Unable to come to a consensus, Moses calls the round a push, and Connor opens things up for round two:
“I was molested by my deaf cousin. He’s a big fan of my dick and Kim’s standup.”
"Kim always looks like she’s wearing her little sister’s clothes and her little brother’s face.”
“Kim is Native American. Her heritage taught her how to trade skin for goods and services.”
Kim doesn’t even flinch before uncorking three slams of her own:
“Connor looks like he tells people he’s 22 and a half.”
“Connor’s ex girlfriend wanted to be more serious. He didn’t make her Mrs. McSpadden, but he did make her miscarry.”
“Connor’s not a celebrity, but he did give his baby a unique name: Medical Waste.”
The judges are disappointed after the explosive first round, because this one simply pales in comparison. Kim snags the round, riding on the strength of her joy in bringing up the miscarriage. However, an oddly-placed joke about Al Madrigal’s resemblance to YouTube celebrity Tai Lopez falls flat on its face. In the words of Moses, “whatever.”
The third round sees Connor start once more:
“There’s a lot of famous comics here tonight, which means Kim’s pussy has surge pricing.”
“Why is it that everytime I get fucked and I moan, I’m a slut, but everytime Connor does he’s just molested?”
“Kim knows about my miscarriage because she’s an expert on botched delivery.”
“Connor looks like everyone’s longest toe.”
“Kim’s a stoner. She does everything on THC: Tony Hinchcliffe’s coattails.”
“Connor does well in LA, but he looks like he would have killed in Auschwitz.”
Connor, bringing the room to tears with the Tony Hinchcliffe jokes, takes round three, which means we’re going to overtime.
Before we start, though, Ron White slings a whole bunch of praise at the show.
“Roasts are about joke writing. That’s all it’s about. It’s not about the weird-ass celebrity they’ve got or the jackwad that’s fucking Lisa Lampanelli in it. It’s about the joke writers themselves. And this gets to display those joke writers, and it’s fuckin’ hilarious.” – Ron White
Then he pours out a couple shots from his private bottle of tequila, toasting everyone’s efforts tonight. These competitors certainly deserve it. Bolstered with Ron White power, the two spit their overtime jokes:
“Connor wants to rape a woman just so he can hear the people beg for him to do more time.”
“Kim will fuck literally anybody. She’s the only Indian with no reservations.”
The judges all agree that Connor wins. Kim, protesting, says that Al hasn’t liked her since she tossed out the clunker about Tai Lopez. Connor strikes.
“Hey, I actually liked that joke. I could tell you wrote it yourself. I’m serious, you should put it on Joe Rogan’s refrigerator!” – Connor McSpadden
The room erupts once more. Connor further cements his victory.
“Connor, I don’t know who molested you, but you should thank him because it made you really funny.” – Kirk Fox
The show wraps up, with guys edging out the girls, proving that maybe girls aren’t the automatic stars of Roast Battle that they once were. Of course, I may be hyperbolizing. After all, Roast Battle’s Montreal stint does feature four of the most fearsome female fighters America has to offer.
We’ll see you guys next week. Get those DVRs ready.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.