It’s a hot night at the Comedy Store, and the Belly Room is packed with barbaric battle buffs craving some good ol’ fashion verbal violence. Judge Ramon Rivas is joined by some of the best battlers from Comedy Central: Frank Castillo, Jay Light, Alex Duong and Alex Hooper. Just in the nick of the time, Byron Bowers walks in eating fries out of a McDonald’s bag and we’re ready for night of blood and guts.
The first competitor brought to the stage is Mia Mars, who goes on to explain that Tom Whalen broke her shower when she let the loveable mooch stay with her for a week. Tom comes to the stage looking confident in a Cosby sweater, which prompts chants of “Puddin’ pops! Puddin’ pops!” Looks the Belly Room is ready rock, and the two exchange shower-themed barbs before the bell even rings. Tom gives a little sample of things to come:
“Mia, you shower once a month.”
“Because you broke my shower!”
-Mia Mars (screaming without a mic)
“Guys, Mia’s pussy is so fucked up its her face.”
Mia keeps repeating the shower complaint, but Brian Moses steps in to break up the action before it gets too violent, too early. He throws to the judges:
“She a young woman with old lady face.”
“Yo, Tom looks like the guy who shows up early to a strip club, and Mia looks like the dancer you avoid.”
Tom volunteers to start the night off right:
“Mia, you look like the only cabbage patch doll that cuts itself.”
“At least people want to buy me.”
“Did someone feed this thing after midnight?”
“No, ’cause you ate all my food while you broke my fucking shower for a whole fuckin’ week!”
“Quit it with the shower, Amy Crackhouse.”
“Did you know that Tom Whalen sings in the shower? I wish he had spent that time showering.”
At this point, it seems like Mia is obsessed with making shower jokes. It’s pretty much all she’s said so far. I mean, there are so many things to make fun of Tom for: he’s fat, annoying, from Boston, his voice sounds like a crudely-drawn cartoon squirrel, he looks like a bearded baby who’s also going grey, he looks like the Asian boy from up, he can’t afford his own place, he mooches off of Mark Stevens, for chrissakes! Pick a topic.
“Thank you, Kat Von D-minus. Mia, you swamp witch. You look like you cook your heroin in a cauldron.”
“At least I have a fucking cauldron to cook it on.”
“She admitted she has a cauldron, she’s a witch! Get her!”
“Does Tom Whalen not look like Colonel Sanders ate Colonel Mustard? …And it was done in the living room with the drumstick.”
“Mia’s really easy to fuck, guys. Seriously, all you have to do is, answer 3 riddles.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my best friends, Tom Whalen. The man has no job, no apartment, no girlfriend, no car and no neck.”
“Tom was fighting with the fury of a dad who’s fourteen year old son just told him he’s transitioning…”
Mia starts furiously ranting on various subjects about Tom, most of which involve him being a loser who couch surfs before Jay Light takes control back.
“Mia, why don’t you just go back to haunting a fucking methadone clinic, Jesus! Mia, you look like you dressed out of the lost and found of another lost and found.”
After Brian Moses surveys the Roast Battle fans, Tom is the clear winner. Tom Whalen was genuinely funny, his jokes had an ease of an experienced comic, and he earned his W.
Kelsey Lane is brought to the stage followed by Ashley Johnson. Both battlers seem loose and have some fun pre-battle banter.
“Man, I refuse to call a man Ashley. What’s your klansman name?”
“I mean, it’s just Grand Wizard Ashley.”
– Ashley Johnson
And with that, Ashley steps up to kick things off:
“Why does Kelsey always look like she’s about to arm wrestle somebody for the custody of her kids?”
“I’m rubber and you’re glue. It looks like a dude chopped off all his pubes and stuck them onto you.”
“You wrote that one today, didn’t ya?”
“I’m not saying that Ashley is a creepy giant, but his Tinder bio just says: Fee fi fo fum. If she’s not screaming ‘Help!’ I can’t cum.”
“Kelsey asked me to watch her acting reel video, but then it just turned out to be a movie of her putting together an old lawn mower.”
“Good one, Sons of Calories. Ashley wanted to be a speech therapist so he could teach kids with a stutter how to say the N word.”
“Kelsey really likes to act like she’s very put together and has her shit together. But she fucked Tom Whalen on an air mattress one time, so she knows all about rock bottom.”
“And I wouldn’t even fuck you on a bed. My pussy would get bed bugs. Ashley’s beard is so black and rapey, it just got a 3-10 year sentence today.”
After the regulation round has ended, we go to the judges.
“Ashley, great jokes top to bottom, even though both of you look like you run competing pawn shops.”
The judges and crowd are split, so Brian Moses decides to take this battle into sudden death. Kelsey goes first this time:
“Ashley, you pudgy unfuckable frump, you look like if Stone Cold Steve Austin only wrestled with eating too much meth.”
Kelsey has couple odd pauses.
“How are you a musical comic and that’s the best timing you have? You look like you give a bunch of oil changes to pay for your fuckin’ abortions.”
Kelsey tries to yell another joke in the chaos, but it goes mostly unheard. The crowd decisively votes for Ashley, and he walks away with the win.
Mark Stevens walks onstage for the last battle of the night and explains that he and Jasmin Leigh are pretty similar. Jasmin is carried to the stage in a beige trench coat and shiny tiara.
The man and woman on either side of her clumsily struggle to undo the belt on said trench coat to reveal her scantily clad costume. Apparently, she skinned a white woman a la Buffalo Bill and bedazzled the disembodied flesh for her fierce outfit. The end result lands somewhere between flesh-colored pantyhose and a disco ball. She proceeds to prance be around in her tiara as if she was just crowned Miss America and proclaims proudly, “It’s my birthday, bitches!” The thing about that is, it is very much not her birthday. Her birthday is September 29th and this battle takes place on September 25th. This is an obvious attempt to garner favor with the crowd. Mark Stevens’ 30th birthday is September 27th, two days before Jasmin’s and two days closer to the battle, but he says nothing about it. It must be because he wrote some jokes.
Jasmin is nominated to go first by someone yelling out of crowd, and to her credit, she does:
“Mark’s been losing years for- Mark’s been losing weight for three years. Hopefully by the fourth he stops eating mammograms.”
“Thank you, Tiffany Saddish.”
This simple name-play hits hard and reignites the crowd. Mark continues:
“Jasmin looks like what would happen if you wished upon a world star.”
“I don’t understand how Mark talks so much shit with no lips, but ok.”
The contrast between the wild cheers for Mark’s first couple lines and the near perfect silence that follows whatever Jasmin says is stark. Jasmin continues:
“Mark loves Tom Brady. He does his best work in the end zone, while Mark does his best work in the friend zone.”
This is the first actual joke out of Jasmin, and it gets a decent response. However, friend zone is already a play on end zone, so she basically just made a joke that was already a joke and threw Tom Brady at the top of it.
“That’s really good coming from the reason black dudes date white women.”
This comeback lands stupendously, almost completing negating Jasmin’s attempt. This might be the best we’ve ever seen from Mark Stevens. It’s definitely the best we’ve seen from him in a while. Jasmin dances around in her pale sequined skin to prove his point.
“I give Jasmin a lot of credit, Jasmin recently appeared on BET… wait, sh- I fucked that up, Jasmin recently applied for EBT.”
With this chants of “EBT! EBT! EBT!” erupt from the back of the room, and it seems as if Stevens has this all sewn up.
“Mark, I can’t even take you seriously with your resting small dick face.”
This seems a genuine moment, and the Chantmaster starts a chant of “Small dick face!” that doesn’t really catch on. Jasmin goes on:
“Me and Mark have a lot in common: We’re both libras, we’re both Celtics fans, and we’re both unhappy with the size of our boobs.”
This gets “Ohh’s” from the crowd. Mark steps up to the plate to take his last swing.
“Thank you, Tina Turner over so I can’t see her face, um…”
Once again Mark’s front-loaded joke proves to get the job done, and the crowd is showing their appreciation. He goes on:
“Oh my God… Jasmin comes from a big family. The reason is because her father had so many illegitimate children that her life is like one big episode of Sister, Sister….sister, sister, sister, sister, sister, sister, sister, sister, brother, sister.”
Mark’s last joke falls a little flat, but everything else he does during the battle gets a booming reception from the room. That’s three short jokes up front and two regulation jokes getting lots of noise to Jasmin’s maybe one and a half laughs for the entire battle.
“Mark, you are not the father. Mark, your jokes were a little better, but Jasmin your stage presence is so on point. If you guys could just both take a little bit from each other…”
All the judges choose Mark, but give Jasmin props on her personality. This is technically an undercard so it all comes down to the audience vote. Jasmin gets the most noise she’s gotten the entire night with some supportive cheers and scattered screams. Stevens gets a big cheer punctuated by chants of “EBT! EBT! EBT!” Mark’s hand is raised high as he smiles ear to ear. Ultimately, it was an entertaining night of fun fights. The crowd once again chants “EBT!” as the show comes to a satisfying conclusion. See you next Tuesday.
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