by Jay Light
As Roast Battle prepares to leap out of the Belly Room and take over television screens across North America in just shy of two weeks, the best live show in Los Angeles continues to rage on, inviting audiences to laugh in tragedy’s stupid face. If you’re in the city, haven’t seen Roast Battle live, and you’re holding out until Comedy Central premieres the show, we invite you to come to our church of free speech in person and pray with us at our altar of fire, blood, and political incorrectness.
This week, we’re bringing you another action-packed fight card with some of the funniest, meanest comics you’ve probably never heard of unless you’re one of the many rabid fans of this show. By the way, rabid fanbase, have you submitted your vote for The Roasties yet? If you haven’t, there’s still time! Get your vote in by tweeting @RoastBattle on Twitter and hashtagging #Roasties with your favorite nominees from each category.
Enough foreplay. Let’s preview!
This week’s judges are all Roast Battle favorites. Al Madrigal is preparing to watch some mudslinging at the Democratic and Republican conventions as a Daily Show correspondent by stopping by our increasingly infamous mudslinger’s ball. Annie Lederman, veteran of the Roast Battle ring, takes her seat as a member of the firing squad once again to sling her well-honed barbs at those with less credits. Rounding out the panel is Kirk Fox, who deserves credit not just for the quick wit and laid-back affability he has demonstrated as a judge previously, but also for managing to squeeze his long legs into the cramped VIP section yet again.
Tonight’s first undercard – one of two virgin sacrifices we’ve got in store for you – pits Randy Villarba (0-0, Unranked) against Candiss Veree (0-0, Unranked)!
These two may be new to the original comedy fight club, but they got here by making a splash at Battle favorite Frank Castillo’s Roast Wars show down in sunny Temecula. If you’ve never been to Temecula, imagine a desert paradise where retirees and meth addicts co-exist in perfect harmony in between visits to the local Indian casino. Randy and Candiss are two of the brightest stars to come out of Frank’s farm league, and we’re looking forward to seeing the heat they bring!
After them, we’ve got a bout between two of the Comedy Store’s newest door guys: Sacramento’s Stephen Furey (0-0, Unranked) versus San Diego’s Isak Allen (0-0, Unranked)!
This is the night’s only match that’s not between a girl and a guy, so prepare yourself to be smacked in the face with testosterone when these two guys hit the stage for their first-ever Roast Battle. Isak looks like he’s working security at the prom afterparty Stephen is trying to schmooze his way into. How can you turn down that face? The poor schlub just wants to get sloppy drunk and fuck in some unsuspecting parent’s hot tub! Both of these guys have quality jokes, friendly personalities, and unfortunate facial hair, so, realistically, it could go either way.
Next up, we’ve got an undercard match between Zane Pond (2-3, Unranked) and Lindsey Jennings (1-2-1, Unranked)!
These two are some of Roast Battle’s finest underrated performers, with records that don’t speak to the performance capabilities they’ve honed over a lifetime of not getting enough positive attention from their parents. This picture was taken at this past Thanksgiving, where these two got to see how wide they can open their mouths to shove in fistfuls of white meat. Basically, it was just another Thursday. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will bring the pumpkin pie? Can’t wait to find out!
Our final undercard of the evening features Madison Sinclair (2-1, #46) and Mike Schmidt (3-0, #31)!
Mike looks like he just came in his pants after discovering this picture of Madison. These two are some of the most exciting young battlers to enter the ring in recent months. Madison successfully rebounded from her first loss to stack two powerful wins in a row. Mike, no longer covered in “new door guy” smell, has one of the only undefeated records in the top 50 and a Joke of the Year nomination to boot. This is sure to be a banger of a battle, and not just because every dude watching will be wondering “wow, how can I bang her?”
In tonight’s main event, we bring you a hotly anticipated matchup between Connor McSpadden (6-2, #6) and Kim “Queen Cong” Congdon (6-2, #12)!
These two may have the same record in the ring, but got there very differently. Connor, Roast Battle’s Justin Bieber, started off strong, sputtered out in a couple tough losses, took a lengthy break to nurse his ego wounds, then came roaring back into the top 10 through a mix of main events and high-profile undercards. Kim, on the other hand, rocketed to an impressive and nearly-unprecedented 6-0 record out of the gate, but is coming off of two losses and Jeff Ross calling her a butter-act. Ouch. However, I’m inclined to call this one a toss-up. It’s too hard to decide between Kim’s Floridian fury and Connor’s SoCal swagger. Best of luck to both!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.