image

by Keith Carey, photos by Troy Conrad

The best way to sum up tonight’s fights: weird. Unlikely heroes emerge against celebrity opponents. A championship battle pushes the limits of what can be done in a Roast Battle. Corey Feldman shows up and spends a lot of time reminding us how much cocaine he did at the Store as a child. It’s a night of barely controlled chaos, and that’s all you can ask of this show. Let’s get into it! 

 The night kicks off with Matt Maloney taking a bite out of
Bo Laughman!

image

Bo takes the stage first, looking less like a comic and more
like the guy who tries to buy Adderall off kids at skate parks. He is quickly
joined by Matt, whose peacoat is for sure the closest he’s come to eating
actual peas, or for that matter, any vegetable. Their opening slams fail to
move the crowd, but the room is still rooting for them to pull it off as the
bell rings.

“So Matt looks like the fatter version of someone I still
wouldn’t want to hang out with.”

“Bo’s one of the best extras working in Hollywood. He’s been
coming to the Comedy Store for years, and nobody’s once noticed him.”

“Matt’s not very athletic. The only thing that runs in his
family is diabetes.”

“Bo’s been a very good boy this year, and he’s hoping that
Santa will bring him some stage presence.”

“Matt’s brother was molested as a kid. But don’t worry, Matt
was fine. He was already used to getting picked last for everything.”

“Bo’s girlfriend was nearly killed by a drunk driver. Which
makes him perfect for her, because after that, she can’t handle anything even
remotely exciting.”

“Now I know why we didn’t get a season 4 of My Name Is
Earl
.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

Overall this is a decent showing for Matt. Two of his jokes
hit, and the crowd seems to enjoy him. Bo, unfortunately, fares much worse.
None of his punches land, and Matt walks away with the easy win.

image

In the next battle, Jamario McClain beats David Lucas, and
then David fucking destroys Corey Feldman!

“This looks like a before & after of the Million Man
March.” – Jeff Ross

This is a rare black-on-black battle, and Moses seems
excited to see it, as does the crowd. The energy is escalating. At least part
of that energy is the fact that Corey Feldman has just gone on a huge rambling
rant between battles. He seems mouthy and imbalanced, and everybody in the room
knows somebody is going to throw down with him at some point. It’s just a
matter of time. But first, the battle begins.

“This nigga Jamario so black it looks like his mama gave
birth in a house fire.”

“David workin’. Y’all can catch his new commercial, playing
the Mucinex mucus-man.”

“This nigga Jamario so black it looks like his grandma got
fucked by a tailpipe.”

“I’ve known this dude David a long time. 7 years since I’ve
been doin’ stand-up. He put on a lot of weight, but who would know you’d gain
weight from eating dick on stage?”

“This nigga Jamario’s hair’s so curly, it looks like his
mama got pregnant by Billy Crystal.”

“Believe it or not, David just got a girl pregnant. A black
girl! I guess her black life didn’t matter, so she let this gorilla get on top
of her.”

image

Everybody’s impressed, but leaning toward Jamario. Tony
Hinchcliffe points out that David looks like our beloved DJ Coach Tea, although
this reporter maintains David is a dead ringer for a fat version of Rell
Battle. Then everyone’s third favorite Goonie pipes up and the room explodes.

“You’re in camoflauge and you did a great job of
disappearing all night.” – Corey Feldman

“Nigga, you look like Michael Jackson’s ghost.” – David Lucas,
blowing the dick off the room

“I was just trying to give your props, but if you want to do
the Biz Markie thing, that’s fine.” – Corey Feldman

Coach is on it, and in seconds the laughter from the Michael
Jackson joke has given way to the entire room singing along to “Just A Friend.”

“All bullshit aside, with that ugly-ass sweater on you look
like a cool-ass substitute teacher.” – David Lucas

“I’ll be leaving with these two girls. You’ll be leaving
with those two Big Macs in your bag.” – Corey Feldman

“Break it up, come on…” – Jeff Ross

“This is how race riots get started. Keep going!” – Earl
Skakel

“This nigga think he look cool with limo tint on his
glasses.” – David Lucas

“You waited all that time for that shit?” – Corey Feldman

“Yeah, and we still waiting for your career!” – David Lucas

image

That’s the knockout punch. By this point everybody’s pretty
much forgotten the battle at hand, and the real winner is David for mocking
Corey Feldman so hard he leaves the room. Everybody takes a breather as Regan
and Watkins take the stage. After the musical interlude, we’re right back into the
carnage with Nicole Becannon and Anne Flagg!

image

Anne, a Comedy Store virgin with battle experience in the
now-defunct Temecula farm league, takes the stage first. She’s got the swagger
of a Riverside Marilyn Monroe, by which I mean she’s gorgeous and confident but
also seems like she has the Monster energy drink logo tattooed somewhere on her
body. She is joined by Nicole, who has fought many times in the recent past.
Her eye might be lazy, but Nicole is one hard-working lady.

“Anne’s got nice tits, but they’re not inflated enough to
keep her career afloat.”

“Nicole’s bedroom eyes are so lazy, they don’t say ‘Fuck
me’, they just pull down their pants and lie there. Sorry, that joke fell flatter than the air mattress Nicole lost her
virginity on.”

“Anne likes using anal beads, so now you have an answer when
you’re thinking, ‘What’s up that cunt’s ass?’”

“It’s true, Nicole lost her V card to Dan Nolan. And since
then, she’s lost under-cards to literally everyone else.”

“Anne’s fucked so many married men, her pussy’s as wrecked
as their homes. You’re not in Temecula anymore, bitch!”

“Not as wrecked as your career, though. Nicole just got a
job as a barista. Apparently they didn’t have enough muffin tops there
already.”

This is a strong battle. Nicole’s got the experience and the
fire in her belly to walk away with the win, but Anne’s got sharp delivery, and
her tag on the second joke to turn a bomb into a hit is some expert-level Roast
Battle judo shit.

image

Our final undercard pits Lou Vahram against Stephen Furey (and Tony Hinchcliffe)!

image

Oh, Lou. Lou, Lou, Lou. Of all the Charlie Browns I know,
Lou Vahram is by far the Charlie Browniest. Some people just have a punchable
aura, and unfortunately Lou’s one of them. He’s made the unfortunate choice to
wear an ill-fitting cowboy shirt with a poorly embroidered kitten on the back,
and Chris Redd is having none of it.

image

“You’re all already laughing at Lou.” – Moses

“Yeah, because that shirt ain’t shit! He went shopping and
was like, ‘Fuck my size, nigga! Give me whatever that kid’s wearing! And don’t
let that kid leave until he draws on my back!’” – Chris Redd

“Steven’s material is a lot like his girlfriend. Because
it’s been used over and over by other comedians.”

“Your girlfriend is so fuckin’ ugly she’s the only Chinese
you don’t take out.”

“Thank you, Buzzed Lightbeer.”

“Great joke, Louie Seems Gay.”

“Steven Furey’s beer gut is so big that if anybody blows
him, they’re really just doing a keg stand.”

“Lou looks like he cuts himself every time he fails to bring
his date rape to orgasm.”

“Steven doesn’t have any credits. Unless you count the ones
in the arcade where his mom abandoned him.”

“Lou’s half-Jewish and half-Armenian, meaning he’s the worst
thing to come out of two different genocides.”

The battle is…fine. They both have a couple of duds, but
Steven hits a couple hard while Lou struggles to find footing. It seems
like an open-and-shut case. Then this happens:

“Y’know, I’m pretty sure none of us want to admit it, but an
anomaly just happened. Right around the third joke, everybody started
daydreaming about something different at the same time in the room. Everybody.
You could just feel it. It was weird. I was daydreaming about-“ – Tony
Hinchcliffe

“I was daydreaming about something different when I watched
your Netflix special.” – Lou Vahram

image

Lou sets the room ablaze with the equivalent
of the school nerd upper-cutting the quarterback. Tony tries to save face, but Lou hammers back continuously, taking multiple shots at “One Shot”.

“Thank you for being one of the 80 million plus to tune in to
judge that.”

“Wow, that joke bombed…more than your Netflix special.”

“Again, you’re judging a Netflix special, roast battler
whose name I’ve literally never heard. But yeah, you got me, sure.”

“Wasn’t as funny as what I said.”

“I’m worried how this is going to get written up in your
stupid fucking blog. Everybody calm down. He just said Netflix two times and
then Jeremiah high-fived him three times.”

“It’s funny, because you’ll never see Netflix two
times.”

“I’m filming my second Netflix special in February, and I
still don’t know your name.”

image

Chris Redd tries to remind people that Steven is also here,
and clearly won the battle, but literally nobody gives a shit, except for maybe
Steven. The crowd takes Lou, and Steven presumably goes to hang out with
Jamario McClain at the Winning Losers Club. The highlight of this battle is, as
the winner is defeated by swagger and loud-mouthed antics, somebody in the
crowd says:

“This is how Donald Trump won!”

Oof. Too real.

image

With the undercards out of the way, we move into the first
of the evening’s two main events, as Jay Light caps off a month of intense
battles against Jeff Sewing.

image

Jeff Sewing is a tremendously talented comedian who is about
to quit stand-up to go become the disillusioned father his face has always
been. Jay Light is fighting for the fourth time in November, and has fire in
his eyes and three consecutive wins under his belt. Expectations are through
the roof as the battle begins.

“You may recognize Jeff from ‘The Biggest Loser’ as the
show’s title.”

“Jay was in a frat in college. What was it called, Beta Beta
Beta?”

“Jeff, you white supremacist softball coach. Jeff is a fat
German. He loves to eat Mein Kampfort food.”

“I gotta tell you, I’m really excited we’re doing this
battle because I’ve always wanted to ask you something. How pissed was Honey
when you shrunk the kids?”

“Jeff, you Yeti going through chemotherapy. Jeff was a
teenage hip-hop dancer and he still pops and locks, thanks to arthritis.”

“A lot of people give Jay shit for his lips. But they’re not
actually that big, they’re just swollen from blowing his way to the bottom.”

Jeff handily takes the first round. Jay’s jokes are
hit-and-miss, while Jeff hits consistently all the way through. Tony is
convinced that Jay is making a strategic play and saving his best material for
later in the battle. Round 2 begins with Jeff coming out strong.

“Jay has a tattoo on his left arm that says ‘Keep Going.’
And about a thousand emails that say ‘Please Stop.’”

“Jay actually has a very accomplished family. His father’s a
surgeon, his mother’s a nurse. His sister’s in school to become an engineer.
And Jay’s…a faggot.”

“You look like you always fuck in socks.”

“Jeff just got married, but his wife can divorce him when
she answers his riddles correctly.”

“Jeff and his wife are leaving Los Angeles and quitting
comedy. I’m just impressed you found pussy that’s ‘give up on your dreams’
good.”

“Jeff, you look like you moved from your mom’s basement to
your wife’s basement.”

image

While Jay’s performance is better here than in the first
round, Jeff is on another level tonight. His delivery and writing are both at
peak performance, and it’s tragic to think this is potentially the last time
we’ll ever see him battle, because he’s remarkable tonight. Jeff is on the brink
of a two-round victory, but the judges insist on a final round and the battle
wraps up with a few more fireballs.

“Jeff looks like if he loses this battle he’s going to turn
this minivan RIGHT AROUND!”

“Jay hosts a podcast with his girlfriend called ‘You
Should’ve Planned Better.’ Next month he’ll be hosting a podcast by himself
called ‘I Should’ve Seen This Coming.’”

“Jeff is gonna make a great dad as long as he doesn’t treat
his kid like stand-up and abandon it after five years.”

“Jay, I was just kidding, I’m sure you have a great
relationship. I’m sure someday you’ll have kids. And I’m sure those kids will
call you by your first name.”

“Like Hitler, Jeff is a failed artist. Unlike Hitler, Jeff
will not be famous when he kills himself.”

“Jay, I really appreciate how you’ve been framing me as the
whiter guy in the battle. But you’re a rich kid who grew up in the south. Your
family crest is probably a black guy hanging from…another black guy.”

“Jeff, you’re so white you make bleach look like Coca-Cola.”

Despite an attempt at a low blow after the bell, Jeff owns
this round. None of this is to besmirch Jay. He’s performed admirably this
month, and this is less of a case of him losing than it is one of Jeff
straight-up dominating. A round of applause for Jay “The Workhorse” Light, and
a fond farewell to Jeff Sewing. I wish him all the best with his new family,
although a sick part of me hopes it all falls apart and he comes back to LA
because he’s hilarious and I selfishly want to see more of him.

image

In our final match, Pat Barker and Alex Hooper battle for
the Los Angeles title.

This is a hotly awaited fight. Alex is a two-time champion,
having wrestled the title away from both Frank Castillo and Leah Kayajanian.
Pat Barker is considered by many to be the best writer in battle, and has been
part of some of Roast Battle’s all-time greatest fights. Pat takes the stage
first, looking fierce in one of the two shirts he owns, and rocking his
signature “aw, shucks” pre-battle vibe. Anybody who knows anything knows not to
be fooled by his low-key energy, because Pat is a cobra coiled to strike.

image

And then Alex Hooper comes out in a fucking unitard with a
glow-in-the-dark tail, furry hood, and light-up whip. Alex is known for his
theatrical entrances, but this is a next-level performance. He’s committed, and
fights the entire battle in an over-the-top voice that lands somewhere between
gay and vampire. Pat looks befuddled, as he was expecting to fight Alex Hooper
and instead is battling some sort of goblin that lives inside of John Waters’
butthole. I’ll touch back on this at the end of the report because there’s some
stuff to unpack here.

“Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my opponent, Fat
Porker. Fat had to leave Philadelphia. With his odd shape and large crack, people
kept mistaking him for the Liberty Bell.”

“I literally have no idea what to with this. 14 battles,
I’ve never seen this. It was a good fat joke, I do think about eating
constantly. Although in my defense, it’s hard not to when my opponent looks
like he’s been preheated at 450 degrees.”

“Thank you, animated moldy pizza. Pat’s dad fought in the
Tet Offensive so he could have a son whose tits are offensive.”

“How is it possible that Corey Feldman isn’t even close to
the weirdest person here tonight? You look like the caveman that discovered
getting fired for failing a drug test.”

“Pat never does drugs, which means he has no excuse for
looking like that. I mean, look at this maraschino hedgehog. If Pat’s eyes were
any smaller, they’d be his balls.”

“Alex is very, very friendly. When I moved to LA, he walked
up and introduced himself. Because legally, that’s what sex offenders are
required to do.”

image

Round one ends hot. Pat’s last joke is strong, but the room
is stuck on whatever character Alex is portraying. Nobody quite knows how to
interpret it, but they admire his commitment and give the round to Alex, who
leads off in round 2.

“Look at this dinner-roll model. Instead of exchanging vows,
Pat read his wife a grocery list.”

“Pat’s trying to continue his bloodline, but his wife
doesn’t want to have sex with a bottle of ranch dressing.”

“I asked Pat’s wife what having sex with him feels like. She
told me to imagine being repeatedly slapped by a giant dodgeball.”

“Alex mentioned continuing the bloodline and my wife’s 12
weeks pregnant. I’m not even a dad yet and I’m already battling the monster
that’s gonna live under my kid’s bed someday.”

“Alex loves drugs so much, he refused to leave his meth lab
as it was exploding.”

“Alex smokes so much weed, the red eye spread to his entire
body.”

“Alex will smoke any weed, except for poison ivy. He applies
that topically.”

image

Pat strikes back. He was knocked off his game in the first
round, but seems to rise to the challenge, bringing more energy and trying to
take control of the room, even sneaking an extra joke in. The judges
enthusiastically give him the win for the round and push to a final round.

“Pat made fun of my outfit. That’s not even a button-up,
it’s six dinner plates on a table-cloth.”

“It’s true, I’m kind of out of shape, but the most athletic
thing this cokehead has ever done was have an eight ball in his side pocket.”

“My suit is tighter than that joke. Pat’s show was
cancelled, so the only packets you’ll be finishing now are filled with soy
sauce.”

“Alex was on the show ‘New Girl’, which is ironic because he
looks like he’s transitioning into one right now.”

“Pat, I would tell you to eat those words, but clearly
you’ve already eaten the whole paragraph. Pat’s dad fought in Vietnam and still
has PTSD…from the one time he saw Pat do stand-up.”

“Oh, we’re talking dads? Alex loves to dance. He learned it
from his dad, who did the Running Man right out of his life.”

image

The judges praise both comics for their writing, but Alex’s
high-energy shenanigans push him over the edge, and he retains the
championship, sending a clearly frazzled Barker to the patio with a lot to
digest. There’s a lot of patio chatter from comics and audience alike over the
ethics of Alex’s choice to essentially roast as a totally different person. Some
argue that it’s the same as fighting a blustery showman like Jamar Neighbors or
Earl Skakel, while others feel that transforming yourself visually, vocally,
and the entire way you present yourself could be considered a form of cheating
since you’re removing context for jokes that may have landed harder otherwise.
After re-listening to the game tape, I’m more inclined to agree with the
former. Alex’s writing was on point, and while the Roast Battle is primarily a
writer’s showcase, there’s something to be said for theatricality. Alex may
have tiptoed to the line of what is and isn’t acceptable, but at the end of
the day there’s no rule in the rulebook that says a dog can’t play basketball.
And by dog, I mean “Alex.” And by “play basketball” I mean “act like a cartoon
faggot.”

image

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This