The room settles in after a performance from The Wave’s Willie Hunter, chants from Autistic Thunder, and a long promotion of friend of the show Julie Seabaugh’s new book Ringside at Roast Battle from herself and Jeff Ross. The crowd is hot – physically, not energetically – but Moses manages to whip them into the requisite frenzy just in time for the battles pop off. Up first is a virgin suicide between Jaylin Eaves and Angel Pitts. Jaylin seems tentative. Angel comes off as exceedingly confident. But as the battle begins, the tables instantly turn.
“Angel’s built like a mistake. If Angel was a crackhead, she’d look the same.”
“Alright, shut up, I think we’ve heard enough from the knockoff version of Aaliyah. Just like – that bitch is dead, that’s how the crowd feels after one of your sets.”
As Angel finishes talking, the crowd reacts, but they don’t laugh. This becomes a running theme throughout the match.
“Jaylin is from Rhode Island, but she talk like she from the hood. You ain’t frontin’ nobody, new-new.”
Jaylin seems nonplussed that Angel’s attempts at roasting are falling completely flat. She delivers her next line with poise.
“Angel and her girl live in a two-door car. Homeless as fuck. They asked me to have a threesome. Bitch, you don’t have three seats!”
Jaylin earns the first real pop of the battle. The audience claps wildly, just happy that someone finally told an honest-to-God joke.
“You know what, Jaylin, you’re so pretty…”
“I mean, I’m too ugly to be shallow, but why you look like a dog in the face? This girl breed is eggplant with chow-mix terrier, because *insert high-pitched dog barks here* that’s an impression of one of her sets at an open mic.”
“You see the crackhead in her? There ya go. You tried. You tried, good job. Angel’s biracial. She says it was hard growin’ up. People always asked her, ‘what are you?’ Angel, they wasn’t askin’ about your race. They wanted to see if you had a dick.”
And with that, we’re basically back to zero. Having telegrapher her punchline, Jaylin tries to recover.
“You’re lookin’ too transgender. Go ahead, girl.”
“Jaylin is my only black friend I know that grew up with a dad. But he only claim her at the end of the year on the taxes so he can collect more money to take care of this shit.”
As Angel gestures towards Jaylin, Coach Tea plays the “wrong answer” buzzer, earning a bigger laugh than anything the two virgins got the entire night. After the judges praise them for being real then rip them apart for not having any actual jokes, Jaylin wins the crowd vote and walks away with her first win.
Up next, Alex Gettlin takes on his friend and first-timer Sarah Fatemi.
“He seems like he’s going to punch her in the face at some point.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
Sarah comes on stage with glitz, glam, and a gold bag. Alex comes on stage looking like he’s never heard of any of those things. He opts to go first and swings hard out the gate.
“Sarah’s a lot like a Persian rug: she gets walked all over and looks her best after getting hit with a broom.”
“Alex, you look like one of those straight guys in LA who does gay porn for the money.”
“Pulling out of the Iran deal is what Sarah’s dad should have done. You’re so Persian even your bag is fake gold!”
Alex should have quit while he was ahead – the second jab doesn’t land nearly as hard as the first punch in his one-two combo. Sarah moves to capitalize.
“Alex, I think your failure in comedy proves that Jews don’t run Hollywood.”
“Sarah calls her pussy the magic carpet because her bush has tassels and it’s been ridden by a monkey.”
“Alex, you dress like a macho frat boy with no fashion sense to cover up the fact that your asshole is wider than a fat boy’s sock.”
Alex returns to form with a wallop of a third joke, while Sarah delivers her last line in seemingly one breath. It doesn’t get much of a response, but the judges like her a lot nonetheless.
“I’m gonna give it to the chick who looks like she stopped in on the way to the Grove.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“I really enjoyed this Tinder first date at a strange hookah bar!” – Julie Seabaugh
After a couple of audience votes, Sarah ultimately walks away with the win, opening the door to the third undercard and our first NYC vs. LA clash in a little while: Sean Finnerty versus Brian McDaniel.
“Brian moved to California from Maryland because he’s a big fan of *mimes smoking pot* sucking jizz through a straw.”
“Sean moved from Ireland to Florida. It’s like Europe sent us their white trash where they knew it would blend in.”
“McDaniel’s recently adopted a child because Brian got tired of fuckin’ things that look like his wife.”
“Ireland recently legalized abortion. Sean’s against it. He said ‘why kill the fetus when you can beat the child for 18 years?'”
“They say you are what you eat, but in that case, you really need to lay off the retarded faggots.”
“Whatever, Boondock Taint, get the fuck outta here! Dishonor McGregor. Sean’s so Irish when he’s fuckin’ his chick she doesn’t call him daddy, she just sings ‘my father, my father.'”
After a close back-and-forth, Brian’s Cranberries reference whiffs almost completely with the crowd. Chris Redd shows up in time to flesh out the judges’ dais.
“I like that this dude just thought of ‘retarded faggot’ and then wrote the rest of the joke from there.” – Chris Redd
“You tried to honestly and fairly roast battle this guy, but there’s something about the Irish. They’re like the N-words of Europe…he really can’t help himself. He doesn’t care! Brian, you can never beat someone who has nothing to lose.” – Jeff Ross
Sean walks away with a surprise victory, bringing his overall record to 10-4 in competition. Up next, the competition becomes a bit more local as SoCal’s Jono Zalay takes on NorCal’s Stuart Thompson in a contest to, as Jono puts it, “see who the boringest white guy is.” It doesn’t help that, as Julie Seabaugh points out, they’re wearing the exact same shoes.
“As a grad student, Jono gave cocaine to rats. But the weird part was when he made them suck his dick to do it.”
“That was the only rational part of it! Anyway, Stuart reminds me of Ed Norton in Fight Club, because he’s the weakest character in his own story.”
“Jono and I are different types of white. I’m Scottish and German, and Jono is gross.”
“That’s not bad, you khaki LaCroix. Stuart looks like the guy at the orgy who organizes the belts.”
“Jono grew a beard because that used to be his girlfriend’s job.”
“Stuart played trumpet in marching band. It gave him the confidence to blow super hard in front of a crowd that does not respect him.”
The battle stays close, and the firing squad offers up praise to both contenders.
“That belt joke was fucking ill. You’re organizing belts at an orgy, dog? Why? But also yeah, you are! ‘Who had the black leather? Who had the gator?'” – Chris Redd
“It’s like somebody stretched the Sklar Brothers.” – Jeff Ross
The audience winds up voting for Jono, earning him a Belly Room win on his first fight back after a long absence. And with that, we’re ready for the main event, and the night’s first fight between top 50 competitors: Armando Torres versus Jacob Trimmer.
“I love that one of them looks like he was a baby yesterday then became big and stupid, and this nigga looks like he was cut out of every scene in Next Friday.” – Chris Redd
Jeff Ross brings the crowd to their feet before the fight starts to raise the energy for the main event. Little does he know they’re about to put on a performance that will ultimately deserve it.
“It is an honor to be here with Greedy Gonzales. Armando, you look like a migrant worker who relocates based on McRib season.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re two shades and a Raiders jersey away from being my cousin. Jacob, you anti-Semitic-looking Jew. I bet you only got circumsized so your dick could be a skinhead too.”
“Armando’s a Mexican Jew. So half his family had to clean the ovens the other half were cooked in.”
“I feel like if I pulled your beard you’d make a motorcycle noise.”
“Truthfully, none of Armando’s family died in the Holocaust. And that’s because even ovens have a weight limit.”
“Jacob lost his virginity to a meth addict. How does it feel knowing that pipe *points to Jacob’s dick* was her rock bottom?”
“Armando loves drinking. His liver’s so black his dad keeps trying to stab it in the showers.”
“Speaking of which, Jacob was in a race war. Which is the only time you’ll hear the phrase ‘Jacob was in a race.'”
“Armando’s wrist tattoos say ‘Are you happy?’ If you want us to be happy, you’ll take a razor and underline it.”
“Jacob used to work as a bodyguard for an escort service. Congrats on making a career out of your passion: following women to their cars.”
The judges fawn over both fighters, and a split decision between Julie Seabaugh and Chris Redd leads the Roastmaster General to call for a tiebreaker in overtime. Armando begins.
“This is absolutely true. Jacob told me that he never cums during sex. At first I thought that was weird, and then I realized he just doesn’t want to leave any evidence.”
“Like Armando said, I had to fight Mexicans when I was in jail, which means I’ve spent more time with your dad than you have.”
After Jacob’s banger, Moses proposes a new Roastie category for Best Racist Joke Writer. The judges have an even harder time deciding this one, and Tony Hinchcliffe decides to push them to a sudden death overtime where they tell jokes until they just can’t any more. Go until you can’t go no mo’. They proceed.
“When Armando was a kid, his uncle got shot in the head in a drive-by. And that’s the closest he’s ever been to a vegetable.”
“Jacob used to work for Starbucks, so you know Starbucks has hated black people for longer than we knew about.”
“Armando’s a great guy. In fact, he’ll give you the shirt right off his wet back.”
“Jacob’s actually a pretty funny guy too. You might recognize him from one of his sketches…on America’s Most Wanted.”
“Armando had to live in his car, and I’m amazed he found one that fit him…three aunts, four uncles, twelve cousins…”
“Jacob used to work for Starbucks, LensCrafters, and Baskin-Robbins. I haven’t met a Nazi this corporate since the guy he voted into office.”
“I take it back. Armando’s a selfish person. He always wants to have his cake and eat it too. And your cake, and your cake, and your cake!”
“What are you talking about, you’re fat too! This is like the pot calling the kettle black, and all the other things you yell out for being black.”
“Moses, make some coffee, we’re gonna be here for a while.” – Jeff Ross
And we are here for a while. After telling about four more jokes apiece in the craziest sink-or-swim environment the Belly Room has seen in a long time, the battle is officially considered too close to call. They are awarded a draw and a chance to finally step outside and get some fresh air. The two set an unofficial bar for main events: be so good you have to go through all your jokes and then some. I know we’ve got some more killer main events coming up this month, and Armando and Jacob did an amazing job here of setting the stage for the rest of the month. Kudos, boys!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.