“Nine battles? Is this a telethon or something?” – Jeff Ross
Jeff must have shown up earlier than I’ve ever seen tonight. He was there for all nine battles. The range of skill in the battles tonight varies, but the audience is fantastic, Mike Lawrence and Jeff Ross are an unstoppable roasting tag team force. The night had a very meticulous flow to it. Because of the amount of battles there is this unspoken system that Mike, Jeff and Brian seemed to create. Comics would get brought up, a couple quick jokes from the firing squad would be said, the battle would ensue, a few more jokes and then on to the next one. Even though there were a lot of battles, nothing went on too long, nothing really got dwelled upon, it was just a turn em’ and burn em’ style of judging tonight. First up on the never-ending night of Roast Battle is a virgin suicide between Mia Mars and Roy Ellison. Mia begins.
“Roy, I’d tell you to take a hike, but you’re not allowed within 100 feet of a park.”
“Mia’s a friendly vampire. You can see Mia getting fisted on Sesame Street as the count von count… one fist, two fist, three fist.”
“I’m a spooky bitch, but I’m just dressed for your funeral.”
“I went to Mia’s apartment and she has terrible hygiene. You put the ‘ew’ in Sephardic Jew.”
“If laughter is the best medicine, than Roy’s jokes are a disease. Roy you’re so un funny the only difference between you and cancer is that cancer kills.”
“Mia was banned from the Laugh Factory because she had a big mouth, coincidentally for the same reason got the lap band…now she hangs around the Comedy store where the skin from her stomach hangs around her vagina.”
This is a typical first timer battle. Mia takes the win. Jeff and Kim Congdon say a few insignificant things about an insignificant battle. That sounds mean, but it’s not. It’s their first time, they’ll get better, and there will be a new president by the time we get to the main event. Brian brings up battle number two, Kelly McConville versus Ezekiel Echevarria.
“Kelly is single and has a successful career in marketing. She can sell products to consumers, but she can’t give her pussy away for free.”
“Ezekiel, I heard you’re actually half Puerto Rican and there’s a huge hurricane in Puerto Rico right now. Isn’t it weird that you’re here, but you’re still drowning?”
“Kelly and her mom are strong women. Her mom survived living in Korea and she survived her mothers abortion.”
Kelly freezes here. Jeff, Mike and the crowd give her some encouragement.
“Just look at him and say something about this Shrek-sican.” – Jeff Ross
“Ezekiel goes to film school, which is great because Puerto Ricans are very successful in film, especially cleaning it out of toilets.”
“Kelly’s pussy is like POW camp, because so many men go in fearing for their lives and leave contemplating suicide.”
“Ezekiel has gained so much weight he doesn’t need to use condoms during sex anymore. He just droops his FUPA over his dick when he fucks.”
Kelly’s last joke hits pretty hard, but Ezekiel’s POW camp joke gave it a run for its money. Even though Kelly was okay, Jeff, Mike and Kim lean toward Ezekiel more and he takes this one, giving him two wins now. The progression of the night is beginning. Though this battle was also pretty uneventful, it was slightly better than the first as we move into David Yates versus Brett Erickson on Brett’s birthday!
“It doesn’t matter that it’s my birthday, I’m not nine” – Brett Erickson
“These both look like history teachers that go into ‘Nam flashbacks.” – Mike Lawrence
“Not because of war, but because they went backpacking.” – Jeff Ross
“Dave sells his own hot sauce after his shows, which is good. Not the hot sauce, but that he’s already implementing his back up plan.’
“Brett has a drinking problem. The problem is you can’t drink away failure.”
“Dave has been sober for five years and still does comedy. It surprises me, with all that clarity you don’t realize you suck.”
“Brett and his son eat LSD together because it’s the only time he can believe his a good father. And the only time he can afford to feed the kid.”
“Dave gets two applause breaks ever set. When he announces he’s sober and when he announces he’s done.”
“I don’t if you know this, but Stanhope helped Brett’s wife get a job here. I just want to know how many times he going to watch him fuck her before he gets passed here.”
“As many as it takes.” – Brett
Brett’s comment gets a big reaction. Brett is very funny, not just with his jokes, but in response to everything Dave has been saying. The firing squad and audience like Brett more. David did well, but Brett took it a step further with jokes that were just as good, if not better and funny in-between moments. Brett takes the win and we keep this train moving into Adam Gropman and Jennifer Vally.
“Seeing them onstage is triggering memories of my parents’ divorce… I’m excited for when Harry roasted Sally.” – Mike Lawrence
“I’ve actually known Adam for twenty years and for last three years he’s been a stay at home dad. The other seventeen years he was a stay at home day drinking masturbator.”
“Thank you J-Low-hanging-boobs… Jennifer’s last name is ‘Vally,’ which also describes her snatch. It’s hot, it’s dry, and Hollywood guys don’t go there.”
“Adam, he’s the guy the most woman cheat on, what? Adam’s wife had three miscarriages before they had their son and those fetuses ended up the same place as his jokes – the toilet, what? Hey! Hey, hey, hey, at least he gave them a burial at sea – flush.”
“I’m sorry, I’ll send flowers… Jennifer… uh… Jennifer looks like every third tambourine in every Fleetwood Mac cover band.”
“Little known fact, Adam was actually married on the Grammys three years ago. I don’t know if you remember, Queen Latifah married like twenty gay couples. Adam and his wife weren’t gay, but they let him on because he’s turned so many straight woman gay, what?”
Believe it or not she wasn’t finished…
“Adam has turned more straight woman gay than Tig Notaro at an open mic for women on the Westside, what?”
“Jennifer is half Dutch, half Indonesian. Which explains why she’s almost as fuckable as Alex Van Halen.”
Adam’s last joke didn’t land, but generally, he did okay. Surprisingly Jennifer’s “what” strategy didn’t play out for her.
“Jennifer that was terrible, I don’t know what to say –what?” – Jeff Ross
Adam obviously takes the win on this one, what? And we move into the fifth battle of the night – Isaac Hirsch versus Zach Stein.
“This looks like a casting for a live-action Milhouse. Does the winner get posture after this?” –Mike Lawrence
Zach kicks it off.
“Isaac actually was cast to play a guy in a wheelchair, which makes sense because I’m pretty sure he has polio.”
“Zach works at a hair salon which means he blows at his day job too.”
“Get a load of this though – I’m a Jew and he’s a Christian of German descent. It’s like we Freaky Friday’d a Nazi soldier with a wiry kike.”
“Zach is very wealthy, but I have one thing he can never buy: a normal speaking voice.”
“I don’t think Isaac gets the respect he’s due, you know? You guys might not know this, but uh, up until this year, the uh, only way Isaac could achieve orgasm was by rubbing his dick against a flat, hard surface, like that…weird right? But you know, uh, Isaac got a lot of flack when he lost on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, but he got no credit when he won on ‘So You Think You Can Fuck This Wall?”
“Zach was birthed by a surrogate mother. It was the first of many times a woman got paid for Zach to, uh, to be inside of her.”
Mike goes for Isaac all the way. He wasn’t feeling Zach very much. Isaac had one joke bomb, but Zach’s last joke was so long and clunky it made it difficult to give him the credit for the other two he did. Isaac takes the win. The next battle is Madison Sinclair versus Brent Duncan.
“You work for Shark Tank and you look like you haven’t even invested in yourself.” – Mike Lawrence
Brent goes first.
“Madison’s personality and tits are so fake they Donald Trump won’t stop tweeting about them.”
“Bret, you know what? You’re right. My boobs aren’t really mine, but neither are your children. The only difference is, I’m not still paying for them.”
“The first time ‘A’ material came out of Madison is the day she got her original tits removed.”
“Brent, why do you have a lighthouse on your side? A lighthouse tattoo on your side… do you really need any help attracting semen to your stomach?”
“Whether on screen, on T.V., on camera, or on stage, this girl loves to eat dick. Fake nose, fake tits, fake skin, you know you can pay people to write your jokes for you too, right?”
“Is the joke going to keep going or…”
“Let him keep going.” – Jeff Ross
At this point Brent goes into some kind of cocaine psychosis, fake tit joke telling loop.
“If you titty fuck Madison you can get charged with pedophilia, because that shit is under five years old.”
After this attempt also bombs, Jeff and Mike go on a rampage against Brent.
“Do more, do more…” – Jeff Ross
“With even less confidence now.” – Mike Lawrence
“Hold on, Madison, wait, let him read the warning label on the water bottle real quick.” – Jeff Ross
“It’s got more contents than his jokes do.” – Mike Lawrence
“Brent looks like Rob Dyrdek if the only factory he managed was a Cheesecake Factory.”
Brent’s last joke was unintelligible live and on the Periscope feed. Either way, it did not land whatsoever. Madison won the battle. I apologize to Brent and the fans of the blog for my poor reporting skills, but the people who really deserve an apology is anyone who had to listen to what Brent said.
“Here’s the thing, the first tit joke didn’t work, but you were like ‘no,’ I’m going to try six more.” – Mike Lawrence
Madison takes this one, hands down, and we go to the mystery battle with Quentin Thomas. The big reveal: his opponent is Rookie of the Year Bryan Vokey.
“I think we’ve met once?” – Quentin
“No.” – Bryan
“Well, this is going to go great.” – Quentin
“You look like a pedophile and the tree he hides behind.”
“Are you white trash? You look kind of white trash-y… well, it looks like if you win this battle your ribbons going to be a Pabst Blue Ribbon.”
“Quentin’s such a sad, white, loser, he’s like the Confederate statue that tears himself down.”
“I’m a sad white loser? So are you a time traveler warning me about my future?”
“That joke definitely landed better than when you jumped out that window that one time. Yeah, he jumped out of a window, so he’s literally jumped out of more bedrooms than he’s fucked in.”
“Um… uh, you know what you look like, guy, you know what you look like? You look like you just lost this battle bitch!”
Quentin drops the mic. The crowd goes crazy. Bryan went for the improv battle himself, even though technically he knew he was going to battle Quentin. This is Quentin’s night. He obviously really wanted this, and Bryan could care less. Quentin takes the win and we continue on to David Lucas, who’s in his third week in a row of battling, and Jacob Trimmer. The Saudi Prince arrives and throws in his two cents.
“I can’t really like either of them. It’s American History double X versus Heavy double D’s.” – Saudi Prince
“I’ve always wanted to see Fat Albert battle one of his animators.” – Mike Lawrence
“It is a real honor to be roasting Patrice O’Nearly funny… David, you look like the Michelin Man after a tire fire.”
“Skinhead ass… this motherfucker look like a prison chef… his signature dish is white supremacy soufflé.”
“That was very funny Jamar ate all his Neighbors… David, it’s a good thing your side chick calls you daddy because your daughter never will.”
“This motherfucker look like he pulled into the Roast Battle in a Budweiser eighteen wheeler. This mother fucker smell like racism, Budweiser and goat pussy.”
“okay, okay, great jokes Kareem Abdul Ja-BBQ… And they’re all off the dome. Just imagine how funny you’d be if your owner taught you how to write.”
“You should know, because you do look like you hold Klan rallies in the Belly Room.”
“You look like Tyler Perry presents Hungry Hungry Hippos.”
“This motherfucker goatee look like it’s connected to his jugular, you cut his beard, the motherfucker will bleed out for thirty minutes.”
David is getting slammed. Jacob’s about to drop another one, when Brian steps in.
“No, no, no – no more black jokes.” – Brain Moses
“This battle satisfied my deepest racist urges.” – Saudi Prince
Everyone has seen David be funny, but tonight Jacob killed. He came with jokes and David’s riffing didn’t cut it. This was probably the battle of the night. Jacob lit up the room right before our main event, Hormoz Rashidi versus David Deery.
“It looks like they’re battling to see who gets to start directing straight porn.” – Saudi Prince
“This looks like a Trader Joe’s cashier versus a convenient store owner.” – Mike Lawrence
“David’s so old when he goes to concerts he drops antacid.”
“Hormoz, your style reminds me of my favorite porn search: hairy pussy.”
“David loves vintage cameras. Which means unlike that joke, he develops film.”
“Here comes hurricane Hormoz. Category five blowing it, here he comes.”
“David used to be a DJ, but then he quit to pursue his dream… of selling pizzas.”
This battle isn’t really going according to plan so far.
“Bring back the fatties.” – Mike Lawrence
“Hormoz, if your face had a scent it would be taxi driver’s breath.”
“David looks like he invented the skateboard to molest children.”
“Was that a moustache joke? Look at your beard, man. How does it feel to eat no pussy and still have pubic hairs all over your face.”
“David looks like a live action Ned Flanders with AIDS.”
“Great news everyone, Hormoz knows where the clit is. He kept his sister’s on a mantle in a jar.”
“David looks like a cross between Al Madrigal and a guy who sells candles.”
“My friend thought Hormoz was Mexican. One thing that will never be mistaken for Mexican are his jokes because they don’t work.”
This battle kind of fell short for a main event. It happens from time to time. David probably took this one, but even Mike gives it to him begrudgingly. The audience, on the other hand, is the judge, and they choose Haiti. In the end, nobody wins. The judges are not very happy with these two. It was a long night of battles; the judges and the audience don’t really want to give it much more time. After Jacob’s slaughtering the show came to its peak, and it just kind of ends. And so does this week’s report.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.