After a night filled with standup about pedophiles, we’re ready for the battles. We have a VIP section packed to the brim with roast battle all-stars joining the amazing JC Coccoli. Adding their expertise in insults we have Jay Light, Robin Tran, Pat Barker, Alex Duong, Jerron Horton and Doug Fager. With these beasts, judging the audience knows they’re in for a treat.
First up on the chopping block are virgin battlers who are also engaged to each other and expecting a child together, must have been an immaculate conception. Betrothed sweethearts Kala Keller vs Chris Ferdinandson take the stage, Kala waddles on stage sporting an overdue baby bump, and soon-to-be deadbeat dad Chris joins her. Moses has Kala go first in case her water breaks.

“Kala grew up on a boat, which explains her sailor’s mouth and haircut.”

“Even though Chris looks like Brock turner I wasn’t worried on our first date because he seemed so narcissistic I knew the only person he was in danger of raping that night was himself.”

“On our first date I actually got a DUI, this is Kala’s 4th kid and my first, my community service is being a stepfather to her children.”

“The only thing that makes people more uncomfortable than telling them I’m having your baby is when I tell them it was planned.”

“We’re a little bit past the due date, which is how I know it’s my baby, because just like me the baby is in Kala’s pussy a little longer than it should be.”

“The hardest part about having you be my kids stepdad is explaining to them why they have two moms now.”

It was a pretty decent first battle from these two. Kala clearly had the better jokes. Chris had one good joke, but Kala was writing for two and proved even mom brain is better than a man’s. Robin Tran said it best, “I thought you both were really good, and by that I mean Kala and her baby.” Kala sweeps the judges votes and wins the audience easily taking her first W.

Next up was another virgin suicide featuring Mike Lilien vs. Owen Garrett. Mike volunteers to go first.

“Owen claims that he went to a bunch of different Catholic schools when he was younger because his parents moved around a lot, but I honestly think he just wanted to fuck a lot of priests.”

“Mike told me he only blacked out twice in college, but that’s because he for who’s drink he spiked.”

“Owen is white so he’s used to doors being opened, but he’s also half Cuban so he’s used to doors being boats.”

“When Mike was addicted to Oxycontin, he used to steal money out of his dad’s wallet. Now that he’s sober, he still does.”

”Owen was cast on Breaking Bad, but was replaced. They wanted someone a little less retarded sounding, so they went with the guy with cerebral palsy.”

“Mike only had one pregnancy scare and that was when his sock cheated on him.”

Mike’s first joke was a total bomb, whereas Owen’s first joke got him a modest reaction, despite both jokes being pretty basic jokes. Mike’s second joke was amazing and garnered a huge reaction from the audience, giving him a lead over Mike that Owen isn’t able to pass. Mike’s second joke was the only truly good joke of the battle, and he takes the win.

Next up we finally have some seasoned battlers with April Lotshaw taking on Andrew Pupa. Andrew volunteers to go first.

“April has a Charlotte’s Web tattoo. It says terrific, and just like the book it describes a pig.”

“If you think Andrew’s nose is big, you should’ve seen it pre-circumcision.”

“April is a single woman with tremors. She saves a lot of money on vibrators.”

“Andrew had a mic in a gay bar, and a Rick, and a Gary.”

“April’s been to the psych ward so many times they have her pudding order on standby.”

“Andrew’s Irish-Italian, he grew up with his mother pinching his cheeks while his priest spread them.”

Andrew’s first joke gets a big reaction, but April’s follow-up makes the room explode, giving her an early lead. Andrew’s second joke is decent, but again April hits back with a haymaker and furthers her already sizable lead. Andrew slightly flubs his last joke, which honestly wasn’t even noticeable, but the “AH FUCK” he yelled after couldn’t be ignored, prompting the audience to taunt him to “say it again.” Andrew obliges and re-states his joke completely losing any power the joke may have had. April puts the nail in his coffin with a brilliantly written priest/molestation joke, which is not an easy feat in Roast Battle, where priest jokes have been done (nearly) to death. Andrew had some great jokes, but April came with absolute fire, if she keeps battling like this she’s going to be a force. April sweeps the judges vote and wins the audience easily, giving her another W. It was a great battle and hopefully we will be seeing more of these two in the future.

Next up we have Kelsey Lane vs Selene Whittington. Selene reluctantly volunteers to go first.

“Kelsey came out bisexual to her parents which was confusing to them, they thought all sexes found her unattractive.”

“You’re just mad that I get so much pussy because you can’t afford one. Selene has a big black peepee. So, she can still have a kid she won’t stick around to raise.”

“It sounds like someone’s jealous that I don’t swing BPA-free dick. Kelsey’s so grimy when she calls my phone it comes up Scam Likely….that’s the joke mother fuckers.”

“Ice Cube, I mean, Selene…Selene is a real n word. A non-woman.”

“Kelsey dresses like an extra from Jay & Silent Bob porn parody.”

“I asked Selene for a tampon once. Couldn’t help me. The only periods this bitch has are between the letters H, I, and V.”

This is hands down the best battle we’ve seen from Kelsey Lane, she came out swinging and never stopped until Selene was in a body bag. Kelsey’s first joke had three separate pops, after “can’t afford one”, “peepee” and the actual punchline, which is an impressive and difficult feat, often when a joke has multiple pops, each pop has less momentum than the one before it, but with this joke it was the exact opposite, Kelsey was able to top the laughter of each punch culminating in a room-rocking explosion after the final punchline. Selene hit back and got a modest pop with the “BPA free dick”, but her actual joke fell so flat she had to inform the audience that it was indeed the finished joke. Kelsey furthers her lead with the “Ice Cube” reference that makes the room ignite once more, she loses a little steam after saying “n-word” as we felt every member of the audience’s butthole tighten in anticipation of what horrible racist thing was to come next, but the punchline releases some of that tension and garners a slow building laughter that eventually erupts when Coach T gives a musical assist. Selene’s last joke would have had to have been the best joke ever written to bring her up to Kelsey’s impressive lead, and unfortunately it was not. Kelsey finalizes the beating with her final joke, as Pat Barker said “To be transphobic and racist is fucking special.” Selene is a great comic, but it was not her night. Kelsey absolutely destroyed and if she continues to bring that calm confidence and expert joke writing, she’s going to be coming for the top 10 before we know it. Kelsey easily takes the win.

The last undercard of the night is Josh Waldron vs. Deirdre Devlin. Josh gets an early laugh when Moses asks him if he’d let the wave smash and he responds with, “Again? Sure.” Deirdre gets an early laugh when answering the “why battle?” question, she said “Josh and I both went to Coachella and he gave me chlamydia. Not directly, but because we both fucked the same dude.” Deirdre volunteers to go first.

“Josh, you’re so gay AIDS has you on its vision board.”

“Deirdre loves the beach and if you put your ear to her vagina you can hear the sound of an ocean of cum.”

“Josh, what’s with your hair? It’s braided like you have a WNBA game to play later. Josh looks like he was breastfed by his dad.”

“There’s a rumor that Deirdre let a dog eat her out but it’s not true. The dog just wanted to be friends.”

“Josh that dog has made more women cum than you ever will. Josh looks like he runs a gay conversion center and the only insurance he collects is BJs from 12-year-old boys.”

“Deirdre why do I feel like you’ll tell a future daughter ‘you’re the one I kept’?”

Now THAT’S a fucking battle. It was pretty even throughout. The WNBA joke was hands-down Deirdre’s best of the round, and was probably what clinched her the win. It was a great tit-for-tat and Josh had some huge hits, especially with the dog joke. The audience has a hard time deciding a winner and has to be polled twice, but Deirdre is eventually named the victor.

The main even featured John-Michael Bond vs. Caesar Lizardo. John-Michael volunteers to go first.

“Caesar looks like his daughter was taken away because he kept trying to give her bottle service.”

“Give it up for the son of the gay couple on Modern Family. It’s ironic that his last name is Bond because he carries no interest and he’s depreciated over time.”

“Caesar is a college dropout bartender, with a DUI and a baby he can’t support. I know he was raised Catholic, but this kid fucked himself.”

“Thank you Well-Fed Sheeran. John hates Red Lobster, not cuz the food sucks but because they stole his brand….It’s alright I’ll get you guys back on the next one.”

“Caesar looks like he dies in the first five minutes of every Fast and Furious movie.”

“Thank you Johnny Crackerseed. You look like you rap the N-word in songs that don’t even have the N-word in it.”

“When Caesar was in college he blew a .3 and got a DUI that ruined his life, and when his girlfriend was in her 20s she blew this zero and it ruined her life.”

“Give it up for John Wick-Ed sunburn. I asked John what he believed in he said he believes some aspects of Native American religions, aka he did mushrooms at Coachella and now he’s sooooo super woke.”

“Caesar has the unearned confidence of a coke dealer, but the only thing he’s ever smuggled is a baby into his girlfriend. I think he thought she was a mule.”

“John has a bachelors in History and a minor in the trunk of his car right now.”

It was a solid battle between both of these talented men, as Jeremiah Watkins said, “It was fun to see a battle between Caesar and Ranch.” Caesar had some fire jokes, but he had two duds, whereas John-Michael was consistent throughout. Both came with some really well-written and creative jokes and had a few missteps, but JMB’s missteps were smaller than Caesar’s. The judges definitively give it to John-Michael Bond.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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