Tonight is a night for underdogs in the Belly Room. It seems like any battle could have gone any which way at any moment. All the matchups are equal and close. There is one dominating kill of the night, but the generally it’s filled with twists and turns. Expect the unexpected. Speaking of unexpected, Roast Battle Season 1 champ Mike Lawrence decides to come through and judge alongside Eddie Ifft (Comedy Central, NBCs Last Comic Standing), Baron Vaughn (Comedy Central, Conan, Late Show with Jimmy Fallon) and Canadian actress Emily Hampshire (Schitt’s Creek). To kick off the second Roast Battle during Black History Month, the All Negro Choir serenades the audience with a beautiful song and dance.
“First we start with a struggle, now we get to the battles.” – Mike Lawrence
In the first undercard of the night, ten-year comedy veteran T.J. Chambers takes on fellow comedy veteran friend Andy Wood. Neither have roast battled before, but T.J. comes out strong when asked why he challenged Andy.
“Andy comes from money, I was curious to see who he hired to write for him.”
These two, very, white guys are a shocking change from the All Negro Choir that was just on stage.
“They look so pissed that Moonlight beat La La Land.” – Mike Lawrence
That battle begins. T.J. goes first:
“Andy’s stand-up is like his dick. You have to believe women when they say they regret seeing it.”
“T.J.’s covered in Star Wars tattoos. You can’t see them, but he’s a big fan. His favorite is The Force Awakens. The Force Awakens is also how most of his partners find out they’re having sex with him.”
“Thank you Down syndrome Captain America… Andy has the body of an athlete, but the face of a cop who yells, ‘TEN POINTS,’ when he shoots a black kid.”
“I’ve known this guy for six years, I still have no idea why he goes by his initials. Be proud dude, your parents named you Terrible Jokes Chambers. Own that shit.”
“Thanks 41 Jump Street… Andy looks like if a date rapist made the girl split the check first.”
“I’m glad we’re sharing the stage here, because this is basically Tinder. Like, I’m the guy in the profile pic and this is the dude who shows up.”
The judges approve of this battle. Mike and Eddie seem to be leaning toward T.J., while Baron and Emily are going more Andy.
“I see they’re keeping the theme of white men talking about rape a lot.” – Eddie Ifft
“I feel like your first joke was brave, because it was about Andy’s dick, because you’re wearing such tight pants that your phone looks bigger than your dick.” – Emily Hampshire
The final judge, the audience, goes with T.J. The virgin suicide to start the night primes the crowd for Andrew Ryan Fox and Zane Pond. Brian points out that we have more white battlers hitting the stage.
“Who books the show?” – Baron Vaughn
“I do.” – Brian Moses
The All Negro Choir jumps in to remind Brian, in song of course:
“You black too, you black too, you black too.”
Andrew is coming off a battle from only two weeks ago and is excited to say mean things to Zane. Zane makes a fabulous entrance as expected.
“If you worked in a soap factory and I brought you soap, made with Andrew’s hard labor and money, I know you’re the dirtiest one here.” –Zane (to Moses)
Though Zane is killing it out the gate, the firing squad can’t let his outfit go unnoticed.
“He’s like if the Hamburglar only ‘robble robbled’ cum.” –Mike Lawrence
Zane’s entrance flames start to dwindle and the battle begins. Zane goes first:
“You’ll have to excuse Andrew. Last time he was up against a fat, white blob it was some other guys cum on his wife’s chin.”
“You know, God says we’re both supposed to fast for the Jewish holidays. You decided it would be easier to just eat God.”
“Even my weight couldn’t break the silence that joke just got.”
“This from the guy who looks like a high school photo of the Michelin Man.”
“At least I don’t look like Chuckie from the Rugrats after rehab. You smell like you haven’t even taken off the diaper.”
Zane’s quickness reigns supreme in this back and forth. It just so happens that Willie from the All Negro Wave is wearing a Rugrats jacket and Zane receives the first wave certified joke of the night. Zane continues:
“Andrew’s a Jew in an open marriage, which makes sense because he steals soap from my factory to clean his wife’s dirty pussy.”
“Zane gave up the tuba because he realized he didn’t need a prop to blow hot wind through a giant, gaping hole.”
“Andrew’s tight with everything, because he’s a Jew. Except his wife’s pussy.”
“Oh Zane, look at the size of you. If the Nazis had thrown you in the oven in 1943, you’d still be only medium-rare today.”
Andrew’s last joke hits hard and gets a response from the Wave. These two took the room to another level. Zane’s swagger is driving the energy of this battle, but Zane gets slammed a bit for making too many “Andrew’s wife’s pussy” jokes.
“I haven’t seen a gay man that obsessed with a woman’s vagina since a congressman from the south.” – Baron Vaughn
“Zane is like a piñata filled with glitter and confidence.” – Mike Lawrence
Zane goes heavy on the one subject, but it doesn’t matter. He’s too fun, funny and quick. Andrew’s last joke is the only one he had that got a response even close to anything from Zane. Zane’s jokes were great, but he generally takes control of the entire room. He is killing it from every angle and cannot stop. Before the audience inevitably gives Zane the win, we are blessed with crowd favorite, the Saudi Prince.
“This looks like a DJ battle at Whole Foods, what the fuck is going on here? How do you choose between Blink 182’s accountant and the boss from a boy band video game.” – Saudi Prince
“We have an All Negro Choir, Saudi Prince.” – Brian Moses
“Oh okay, I thought that was for the auction later.” – Saudi Prince
The crowd, naturally, gives it to Zane. In the third and final undercard of the night Lou Vahram takes on Valerie Tosi. This is our Roast Battle, Superbowl rematch. Lou is from Philadelphia and Valerie is from Boston. Lou makes a triumphant entrance in his Eagles jersey, ready to do his hometown proud with another victory. Like a good Philly fan, Lou is a little overly excited about the Superbowl win and his battle. He begins to talk football and the crowd and wave are not feeling it.
“You had nothing to do with that win.” – Jeremiah Watkins
Valerie is obviously not taking the Patriots loss hard, as she comes ready to battle. Brian, as always, asks why she agreed to the battle:
“Lou’s so depressed and you book this so far out, I figured this is the only thing that would keep him around.” –Valerie Tosi
Brian defers to the Saudi Prince to weigh in on this battle.
“Well, I obviously don’t like the woman. The fact that she’s speaking in public without an owner nearby is worrisome. If nobodies going to claim her, I have a leash and a goat in the back we can use. ” – Saudi Prince
“You have a leash and a goat in the back?” – Brian Moses
“Ones looking after the other.” – Saudi Prince
Then the Saudi Prince goes after Lou…
“I’m glad to see he has his number of chromosomes written on his shirt. Nice advertising. I’m excited to see how Russell Crowe’s recessive genes do against Velma from Scooby-Doo.” – Saudi Prince
The firing squad jumps in as well…
“Lou looks like a Make-A-Wish kid whose wish was to meet the receptionist from the Ghostbusters.” – Mike Lawrence
Lou kicks it off:
“You look like the lady they tested the first mom jeans on.”
“Poor Lou… Lou is, uh… (This on it’s own gets a laugh)…”
“It’s already over.” –Eddie Ifft
“Lou is so depressed he can’t even depress masturbate. Like, his dick is so soft it looks like a delivery of Ugly Produce.”
“Nobody uses that bougie shit, you bitch… Val’s a ginger with no freckles. In fact, the only spots she gets is if she fucks the booker.”
“The worst part about Lou hitting his girlfriend is she’s Asian, and he’s never quite sure if he’s hitting the right woman.”
“Val looks like she wrote a dissertation about why white women should be allowed to say the ‘N’ word.”
This joke incites a response from the All Negro Choir. Unfortunately for Lou, it is not a positive one.
“A-B-C-D, that shit ain’t funny.” – All Negro Choir
Valerie tells her last joke:
“Lou’s an Armenian Jew, which means his grandfather’s last words were, ‘bro, don’t put me on this train.’”
Valerie’s last joke hits hard and Lou is never able to sway the crowd to his side. Valerie has them from the beginning.
“I’m going to let some of my wives speak, because I really was impressed by Julieanne Whore.” – Saudi Prince
The crowd, the Saudi Prince and the firing squad are all heavily leaning Valerie – which could be considered an understatement.
“Lou, to get your self-esteem back, I think you’re going to have to fuck Zane tonight.” – Eddie Ifft
“You had me at, ‘poor Lou.’ I’m going to vote for Lou, because I feel really bad for him.” – Emily Hampshire
“That’s what most women say.” – Valerie Tosi
The judges are all very complimentary towards Valerie. The Asian joke and Armenian Jew joke really stood out. Lou makes a quick, heartfelt speech about how it’s his birthday, the Super Bowl, and how much he loves Roast Battle, which makes it no fun to say mean things to him anymore. The crowd votes and Valerie takes the win.
The undercards for the night are over and the tournament battles begin. In the first of the night, Jonathan Rowell goes against Sarah Keller – the number one seed. Brian turns to the Saudi Prince first.
“Finally, an all-girl battle, I’m excited…this is shaping up to look good. I really like Rihanna in whiteface on the right.” – Saudi Prince
The firing squad takes its normal shots at the battlers, but the room is still recovering from seeing Lou take a loss and then call it part of the “best three days” of his life. The judges and audience are worried more about potential shootings and suicide from Lou than they are Sarah and Jonathan.
“Sarah looks like a mom who is slowly poisoning her daughter, so she can be the prettier one.”
“I’d call Jonathan a cunt, but people want to have sex with those.”
“Sarah’s dad is a drug addict. He swallowed more loads for heroin than Sarah did to get into this tournament.”
“Jonathan’s asshole has the same policy that his brothers do for their gang. Blood in, and blood out.”
This joke hits so hard that the Wave starts a “blood in, blood out” chant. Jonathan continues:
“Sarah, you look like an American Girl Doll whose catchphrase is the ‘N’ word.”
Jonathan is about to gain moment back as this one gets the Wave to come out in KKK hoods.
“Jonathan is like Chipotle. Real Mexicans hate him.”
“I’m actually proud to be Mexican. My family came to this country with a dream. And that dream was to sell Sarah’s dad heroin.”
“You know, that’s funny, because Jonathan actually hates smuggling drugs in balloons, because it feels too much like protected sex.”
“Sarah’s grandmother has Alzheimer’s, but she’s never forgotten Sarah… is a whore.”
“Jonathan is the most successful member of his Mexican family. He lives in a studio apartment – alone.”
The battle is very close. The judges have their work cut out for them. Jonathan and Sarah came ready with hard-hitting, personal jokes about each other. The Saudi Prince enjoyed Jonathan.
“I really like the guy who looks like he jerks off to the Big Bang Theory.” – Saudi Prince
“Bazinga!” – Mike Lawrence
Mike Lawrence and Eddie Ifft give it up to them both and felt the jokes are strong, but go with Sarah.
“She said ‘cunt,’ I like that.” – Eddie Ifft
Baron Vaughn and Emily Hampshire go for Jonathan, which means Sarah and Jonathan have to duke it out in a sudden death joke off. Sarah goes first:
“Jonathan, you’re like if the Menendez brothers never accomplished anything.”
“Sarah’s life is proof that it could have been worse for JonBenet Ramsey.”
Jonathan’s joke blows up the room. Willie from the Wave comes on stage to the Seinfeld theme. The judges have to decide.
“Man, which 90’s tragedy is funnier? They do look like O.J.’s two victims.” – Mike Lawrence
Mike goes with Sarah, but the other three go for Jonathan. Rowell upsets the number one seed and continues on! In the last fight of the night, Mike Schmidt goes up against “Hurricane” Katrina Davis.
“Is that Destiny’s Stepchild?” – Saudi Prince
“I’m a fan of black women, but creepy white guys always kill.” –Baron Vaughn
Mike goes first:
“I love the All Black Girl Choir, I like that black girl magic, because I myself am an imperial wizard.”
Eddie Ifft jumps in,
“Jared Kushner speaks.” – Eddie Ifft
But Mike is ready for him.
“Oh yeah, uh, I don’t know if you remember this, but a couple of years ago you yelled at a lot guy and you ended screaming, ‘don’t you know who I am?’ Uh, the answer’s still ‘no.’” – Mike Schmidt
Back to the battle, it’s still Mike’s first joke.
“Oh yeah, and one for you, because I got to do that. Oh shit! I don’t know much about you other than that you have the same dentist as the donkey from Shrek.”
“Mike has the vibe of a guy who reads ‘#MeToo’ stories while jerking off by the fire.”
“Keep it going for the Predator with a gluten allergy.”
“Mike moved to Los Angeles and got a job where he gets to play video games all day, but his wife left him and set his whole life to single player.”
“Katrina tried to get her boyfriend to move here from Jacksonville, Florida. Didn’t work, you know what they say, ‘take the Jacksonville out of the man, but you can’t take the man out of Jacksonville with a pussy as loose as yours.’”
“You can tell Mike was the kind of kid that used to eat bugs… off of the body he hid in the woods.”
The All Negro Choir gives it up to Katrina for this joke, but they go on with their song for a while and Mike, already on fire, goes at them.
“Alright Sister Act III: Crack in the Habit. I will say this, it is Black History Month and Jasmin did warn everybody not to be making racist jokes about African-Americans. And, uh, I’m just out here, sitting there like, ‘my minds tellin’ me no, but my body, my body’s tellin’ me yeeeeaaahhhh!’”
“I use that same defense in court. Spoiler alert – it worked.” – Saudi Prince
“I know. I was the lawyer.” – Mike Schmidt
Once again, back to the battle. It’s Katrina’s turn:
“Mike and La Croix were both made in Wisconsin. Making it the birthplace of what white woman both love and hate in their throats.”
“That was disturbingly accurate…I will say this, uh, on the issue of cultural appropriation. Your brains are beautiful, your skin is beautiful, um…”
“Black girls rock!” – All Negro Choir
“Yes, and so does interrupting people…what I was going to say before I was so beautifully interrupted…”
“This is why we don’t let them talk in my country.” –Saudi Prince
“Have you listened to the white ones? It’s way worse… I will say this, though: when it comes to cultural appropriation, white people take a lot of shots, we’ve taken rap, we’ve taken music, but, I will say this, uh, leaving the house dressed like a dipshit is a white invention.”
“She looks like she spent the night at Cosby’s house.” – Saudi Prince
“It was a rough night.” – Katrina Davis
“Like you remember.” – Saudi Prince
Katrina continues with the battle:
“Mike has a masters in political science and a minor in the trunk of his car.”
“Katrina is proud of her African heritage, but in fact, the closest she ever comes to the Kings and Queens of Africa is selling makeup in a pyramid scheme out of the back of her car.”
“Mike works the sound booth at the Comedy Store, which is a horrible idea because he’s the last person who should be in charge of a room you can’t hear people scream in.”
Out the gate, Mike Lawrence and Eddie Ifft are impressed by Mike’s uniqueness and ability to work the room. Their votes go to him. For almost the same reason, Baron Vaughn goes for Katrina.
“Mike was really good at roasting everyone but Katrina.” – Baron Vaughn
In a long, drawn-out explanation, Emily Hampshire also sides with Katrina.
“Does her vote count?” –Saudi Prince
Indeed, it does, and we move into overtime with Katrina going first.
“Mike looks like the kind of guy that cruises for dick in a Barnes & Noble.”
“Ok, 100% correct. And you look like the kind of person who cruises for dick at a toy store.”
Mike’s joke bombs hard. It’s weird.
“That was underwhelming.” – Brian Moses
That really sums up the feeling in the room. They want “one more joke,” but that is the one more joke. It’s over. Mike is unique and on fire the whole battle, but it came down to a sudden-death overtime. It is very much a sudden death for Mike as Katrina, seemingly out of nowhere, boots him from the tournament. In the words of the All Negro Choir, “black girls rock” tonight, and that’s that.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.