The Belly Room is electric as Boon Shok-A-Loka finishes his rendition of Proud Mary, and that’s the last we see of him. Or is it?
The show begins as always with a “Battle” chant led by the incomparable Autistic Thunder, Joshua Meyrowitz. The host and referee, Brian Moses, takes the stage and introduces the Roast Battle crew. The wave is present and starts a chant of “Jussie Smollet”. It’s the Best of the Belly Room Vol 2, and the crowd is hungry for action.
The judges table is especially stacked with talent for this glorious night of roasting. The veteran crowd favorite, Sklar Bros are in attendance. As always, I will quote them as a unit, even though they say these things individually and deserve to be credited individually. It’s an impossible task. For example:
“We are together Judge Jewdy, but like J-E-W.” – Sklar Bros
Another veteran, Jerron Horton is there, serving the important Black History Month role of only black guy. Skyler Stone is present, as well as the two most seasoned judges, Mike Lawrence and Jeff Ross. They immediately tear in to Brian Moses’s pink polo shirt.
“Last time I saw a guy dressed like that, he hired two Nigerian guys to beat him up” -Jeff Ross
“Willie looks like Jussie and Jamar looks like one of the attackers” – Mike Lawrence
“And Jeremiah looks like the guy who orchestrated it all.” – Sklar Bros
The first battle of the night had two Swedes facing off, Johannes Finnlaugsson vs Petrina Solange.
This is the only undercard and their first time battling in the Belly Room, so a lot of pressure on these visitors to our shores. Johannes is brought up first.
“The ugliest guy in Sweden. A Polish guy who lives in Sweden” -Brian Moses
Petrina joins him. She confesses to being a bit nervous, but does so very likably, and she has enough confidence to volunteer to go first, and the battle begins.
Johannes is so fat, when he hears someone has a bun in the oven, he just rips the baby out and eats it. He invited me over to smorgasbord the other day, and when I got there, it was just a bunch of dead babies with mayonnaise.
Thank you Gary Coleman after a series of different strokes. What can I say about Petrina that isn’t racist, sexist, misogynistic, ablest, homophobic, or fat shaming? The answer is nothing at all, so I’ll just fucking have to do that shit. Petrina is so black, round, and heavy, the only difference between her and a bowling ball is when you put three fingers in a bowling ball, it doesn’t say “come on, shove your whole arm in there”.
Thank you online child molester. Johannes used to live in Saudi Arabia as a teenager, but he had a hard time making friends since Muslims hate fat pigs.
Thank you Bill Cosby’s rape baby. Petrina is a lesbian and suffers from OCD, meaning she has two very different reasons to be constantly washing her hands. It’s a good thing she does wash her hands, or every lesbian in town would have Big Mac sauce on their pussies.
Here a “Big Mac Sauce on the pussy” chant starts and every single person in the room is enthusiastically involved.
For some of those who don’t know, OCD is an abbreviation meaning obese colored dyke.
When you found out our friend had been catfished, you made fun of him, which is very interesting because you yourself has been in a relationship with no one for your entire life. Not even fake women want to pretend to date you
Thank you all of Oprah’s leftover fat. A bit about Petrina’s family. Her father is actually a white Swedish man who had unprotected sex with a woman from Angola because he wanted to die of AIDS. Instead he got Katrina, or as he calls her, worst case scenario. This is true, her sister is absolutely beautiful, she could be on the cover of every magazine. The only magazine Petrina could be on the cover of is national geographic if they ever make an issue with the headline, “Famine in Africa is Over”.
Woah, Swedish people are fucked up, and we all loved it. This was an unexpected battle, both in the sense that it was a late and addition, and that no one saw it coming. They absolutely destroyed and got the night off to a very fun start. But holy shit, they say some fucked up things, Sweden must be great.
“You guys are way too ugly to be in a Bond movie, but I kept thinking of a Bond movie” – Jerron
“It’s hard to believe you’re from Sweden because you look like every woman I’ve ever gotten in an argument with at the Pasadena DMV” – Skyler
When Petrina said “smorgasbord” in a dead baby joke, I knew this was at least going to be weirdly funny, but it ended up being a great battle all the way through, with lots of fun had by battlers and audience. Both battlers are commended, but Johannes takes the majority of the judge’s votes and wins a close audience vote.
Up next are the four main event, best of the belly room battles. The first showcases rising stars Zahra Ali and Greg Roque
Zahra is brought up first and asked why she’s battling Greg.
“Why am I doing this? Because you guys want me to go to hell, apparently.” – Zahra
Greg volunteers to go first.
Zahra is an actress. She’s really good at reading lines especially on the phone, when she’s trying to scam your grandmother.
Greg is an American citizen, yeah, and he looks like a Mexican who fell off the wall.
Zahra shaves her pussy and it’s the only time you’ll find a Muslim near a landing strip.
Good one, let’s keep the good times rolling, alright.
That was a good one, Turban Outfitters.
Greg’s girlfriend is vegan, which makes sense because vegans love vegetables.
Why are you being so mean to me? I thought Muslims were big fans of tall things that don’t stand anymore. You look like Princess Jasmine I if drew her.
Speaking of ugly faces, your face is in a perfect situation for where you are in life, bumpy… that was a rebuttal. You know, Greg suffered a very tragic loss with his spinal injury, but at least he’ll never lose at musical chairs.
Zahra has an annoying voice. Her comedy career is a lot like her family in Pakistan. It would still be alive if it weren’t for that drone.
Hey, my family’s around, unlike your father. Greg is dyslexic. I know, God hates him. Greg is dyslexic which means he reads from back to front, which is also how he eats out his girlfriend.
Doesn’t this crowd love eating ass? Why is that a bad thing? Zahra is so bougie her ISIS beheading video will have an Instagram filter.
Greg got caught counting cards at a casino. They were gonna break his legs, but…
This is a fun battle, Greg hits constantly, Zahra has some jokes land big, but misses a couple and seems slightly phased.
“Greg, first of all every black person in here is like, dude, how do you keep your sneakers so clean?” – Sklar Bros
“Greg you were insane, you can’t give a guy with nothing to live for time to write jokes.” – Sklar Bros
“Zahra, you did a great job, but you got run the fuck over.” -Jerron Horton
“Greg looks like if Rocky fell down the steps” -Mike Lawrence
“Mike, we have something in common, we can never go up steps” -Greg
“That joke was as well built as you” -Mike
“I think it was like you, had a little fat on it” -Greg
Mike and Greg let the crowd know that they actually adore one another and the jabs were just in good fun. This battle was close early, but Greg was able to pull away as he did not miss once, and never let up. Greg wins unanimously.
Up next is the battle of Jay Light and Isaac Hirsch.
Now, some context, these guys get told they look like each other a lot. They should start a show. The thicker and healthier looking of the two is brought up first, Jay Light is wearing a Wu Tang Clan Christmas sweater.
“It looks like the Wu Tang Clan is something to fuck with.” -Jerron Horton
Isaac comes up next and they stand next to one another.
“Y’all look like the summer and winter versions of each other.” -Jerron
Moses asks Isaac why he battled Jay,
“This battle definitely has higher stakes than usual. At the end of the battle, Brian is gonna figure out which one of us is a clone and shoot them.” -Isaac
“That’s you because Jay would never say anything that unfunny… you better back me up, Jay.” -Jerron
Isaac volunteers to go first.
I’ve lived in LA for three years now, and people still keep mistaking me for Jay… until they see me have a good set.
Isaac is what happens when you straighten out the paperclip from Microsoft Word.
Jay’s dad was in the Navy, and Jay is still the gayest thing he’s ever seen.
Amazingly enough, Isaac is not Jewish. Isaac, if you’re not Jewish, how come you look like you just got rescued you from the bowling alley at Auschwitz?
As of last week, Jay no longer works at the Comedy Store. You hear that, comics in the back? You don’t have to laugh at these anymore.
Jamar Neighbors of The Wave throws powder in the air like Lebron James.
“My allergies!” – Isaac
Isaac just got into a relationship. He’s nervous to meet his girlfriend’s dad because he’s afraid he’s just gonna run in to Chris Hansen again.
Jay has been clean and sober for three years, and I think it’s great Jay finally has an excuse for why he doesn’t get invited to parties.
Thank you Urkel in whiteface.
Did you do that?
I did! I did do that! Isaac is from Maryland and suffers from erectile dysfunction, which is why his spirit animal is the soft-shelled crab.
Jay’s Christian family doesn’t approve of him doing comedy, so they’ have to love that last joke.
There’s an awkward deliberation over whether that was a joke or rebuttal, it’s a rebuttal, Isaac continues
Jay’s last ex was very hot. People would see them together, and go “wow, that guy must be really funny,” which just goes to show that some things just can’t be explained.
Beating Isaac at roast battle is like his dick, not hard. Isaac and I both have dick-sucking lips, but only Isaac has dick-sucking ears. If Isaac was gay his nickname would be Cumbo The Elephant.
“I didn’t know the science club had bullies.” -Jerron
“You guys were both great in Superbad.” -Sklar Bros
“You guys are so fucking white, that halfway through this battle it became March 1st.” -Mike Lawrence
This was a great battle, they stayed even throughout. Isaac gained a lot of momentum with his off the cuff remarks. The judges are split, and rule for one more joke:
Isaac can’t cum from having sex, which is crazy because Isaac looks like he cums just from reading the word “sex.”
Jay’s girlfriend just moved in with him. That’s gotta be tough– is there enough room for both of you inside Jeff Ross’s asshole?
The unanimous consensus is that there is enough room in Jeff Ross’s asshole and that Isaac won a terrific battle.
In our second to last battle of the night, we have Sarah Keller going up against Alex Hooper. Alex Hooper comes up wearing something absolutely ridiculous, and he’s lovely.
“Low-key, he is thick though” -Jerron Horton
“That’s the first guy they let drive the magic school bus” -Mike Lawrence
“I can’t believe Sarah has to battle Burning Man” -Sklar Bros
The pre-roast deliberation in general is short tonight as these pros want to get down to business. Alex volunteers to go first.
Ladies and gentleman give it up for every cow boy’s favorite toy: passed out in the back of the Barbie. Sarah is damaged goods which explains why her clothes are always 75% off. We call your tits the Nordstrom Rack.
Alex looks like he snorts Dippin Dots.
Pixie sticks, but close. Everyone, give it up for Dolly will never get a Parton a movie. Sarah dreams of winning an Academy Award. Oh Sarah, you couldn’t win an Oscar if it were a Meyer weiner.
I would like to take a moment to honor the 100 snakes that gave their skin to make you.
Thank you Carrie Always Underwood.
You’re welcome, the Muppet Jim Henson made while tripping on mushrooms
I would hope so. That’s my dream home. Sarah, you have an absolutely incredible body, somewhere underneath your completely underwhelming body.
I’m happy Alex got to be here tonight, he took a break from his normal gig, tempting women with apples.
Sarah, so pretty. Oooohhhhhhh, hmmm. Sarah was very glad to be battling during February because she heard they were going to make blacks history. You look like the laundry woman for the KkK.
You look like you masturbate to Furby porn. I don’t know what’s wrong with Alex, but I know it’s serious. Alex’s 3 main food groups are drugs, candy and the souls of the children of Salem.
Thank you Kellyanne Conway if she ate the border children. Sarah, honestly you don’t need so much makeup. The only thing more made up than your face is the reasons guys give you for leaving after they pretend to come.
This coming from the guy hiding behind that.
To be fair, Alex is actually a model, you can see him on the cover of Goosebumps.
I can’t overstate the importance of this, in a couple of his jokes Alex said Sarah as “Sera”, like the song, “Que Sera Sera” and it was so funny. Alex always makes a very fun battle and has a good time. Sarah is a good sport and fires back, hitting decently every time, but Alex really shined literally and not literally.
“Sarah, you looked like an adult JonBenet Ramsey, and like Jon Benet, you got killed.” -Sklar Bros
“Alex, you should lean into your jokes every now and then.” -Sklar Bros
“I was going to give it to Reese Witherslut, she legally bombed.” -Skyler Stone
“Alex, you look like the only person who had fun at the Fyre Festival” -Sklar Bros
“He’s the only reason they had bottled water.” -Mike
“He does a weird thing that she wasn’t fully able to grasp.” -Mike
“I didn’t want to.” -Sarah
Alex wins the judges vote unanimously, and wins the audience vote.
Our final battle of the night features two of the top battlers in Roast Battle History, Nicole Becannon and Connor McSpadden.
Connor is brought up first and gets asked why he’s battling Nicole.
“It’s just good for her to get out of the house, I’m a good guy.”
Then he decides to roast all of the judges. He doesn’t have to, he just does it because he’s a nice guy.
“We’ve got the Sklar Bros here. They’re my favorite judges, it’s like tweedle dee and tweedle controls all the banks. We’ve got Chance the Rapper. We’ve got edgy Steve Hofsetter in the building. Mike Lawrence got to give a shout out to Mike, he just completed his physical therapy after watching the movie Venom.”
“What about the boss?” -Moses
“Well that guy, he writes the checks. My favorite comedian of all time. I just want to know, if you’re here, who’s making Dave Attell’s job harder?”
His opponent, Nicole Becannon is brought up, looking fly. She gets asked why she’s battling Connor.
“He’s one of my best friends, it means a lot to me, every one is here, and much like Connor as a child, I’m touched”
“I got molested.” -Connor
Nicole spares the judges. Connor volunteers to go first and the main Main Event begins
When most people battle Nicole, they just do a bunch of shitty fat jokes, which is ridiculous. I mean look at her, this woman is not a BBW because one of those Bs stands for beautiful.
You know Connor, it’s fine, you got naked to be on Comedy Central, so if I had a nickel for every time you called me ugly, I could buy your dignity.
Nicole buys all of her makeup at Little Caesar’s. The last time I did mushrooms, I saw Nicole’s face in the mirror, it was weird. Come on, you fat owl, tell a joke. I missed bullying.
Connor is so forgettable, his molester called out the wrong name in bed.
In his defense, I do look like a Cory, alright? Nicole actually gave up her dream of becoming a lawyer to do comedy, but she still got her face on a bench when she got fucked in a park.
Look, we all saw Connor’s junk on Comedy Central, and I’ll say this: the only pussy who’s ever been full of Connor is Connor.
No give it a minute, it’s gonna…
He’s a pussy who’s full of himself and his dick is small.
Alright, on to the funny stuff. Nicole has the kind of body, where no matter what she’s wearing, it looks like she bought it at Ross, you know what I mean? Like, she’s all British and shit. I bet her butt cheeks look like the bottom of a sprite bottle, you know what I mean? Yeah, you’ve got all the sex appeal of a Ford Fiesta, lady. Nicole’s a little upset, she just got kicked out of a motorcycle gang in the Goofy Movie.
Connor is very closed off, he’s hard to get to know because he’s afraid that if he opens up, another penis will get in.
It’s not untrue. In seriousness, Nicole is one of my best friends and I talk to her all the time. She just got a new phone and she texted me and it came up “maybe Nicole Becannon” because I don’t have her number yet. And she said, “Connor can I talk to you about something” and I said “Yeah, of course” and she said “I feel like I don’t deserve all the opportunities I’m getting” and then the contact changed to “Definitely Nicole Becannon”.
Looks, Connor got molested as a kid, he got naked for the internet, he’s broke. It’s like your shaped like the stripper pole you were supposed to end up on.
The battle ends and Boon comes in. Remember? I suggested that he might come back, he did. Dirty secrets are told, and comics make it very funny. If you want to know the secrets, go to more live shows.
“Nicole, you look like a hobbit that’s never going to get a ring” -Jerron Horton
“Connor, your beauty is on the outside.” -Jerron Horton
“Connor, you are so smug for how much money I know you’re making on those writing jobs” -Mike Lawrence
“Connor, this is the most confidence I’ve seen you have since you stood up to that Native American” -Jeff Ross”
This was a phenomenal battle. Both Connor and Nicole showed why they’re among the best, but Connor was on another level tonight. Every joke had multiple hits that he couldn’t help but compound on. He told and landed enough jokes to win three roast battles, and all while maintaining a high quality standard. The judges unanimously vote for Connor, and that’s it for Best of the Belly Room Volume 2.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.