As piano men across the land wait for their midnight moment of “Auld Lang Syne” and “cups of kindness” are passed around to barflies and beauties, we in the Belly Room choose a different tact. We’re giving 2019 a fitting goodbye in the form of a verbal brawl and welcoming in 2020 with its very first burns. Let’s meet the battlers.
Our first battle of the night pits Charley McMullen against Kayla Esmond. Charley looks like his career is editing your web series for free. Just ask…he’ll do it, look at him. Charley had a strong showing in a first battle loss to Lindsay Glazer, so I’m looking forward to even more solid material. His opponent Kayla is a first-timer who considers herself a “cat mother of 4,” which is sadder than when I heard Brody Stevens died. But whatever keeps ya goin’!
Next up we have Tokyo Kuntpunch versus Mia Mars. I’m just gonna give it to you straight, this battle will be weird as fuck. I don’t know how Christmas at the Kuntpunches went this year, but I’m assuming bad. And I am always surprised when I see that Mia has not been remanded by the state, but that’s what makes this one exciting. And in fairness, Tokyo had a very respectable showing against Sarah Lawrence in her first battle. What will she do when she isn’t the wildcard on stage? Winner gets bath salts, loser gets smelling salts.
In our third undercard of the night, we have Paul Green seen here as Sloth from the Goonies versus Ryan Joseph. This is Paul’s first time battling, and he has his work cut out for him. Joseph showed moments of brilliance in his battle against Caroline Georges but came back to earth in his most recent battle. Let’s see if his strung out character can reach his first battle high.
Rounding out the undercards we have renaissance woman Caroline Georges versus white dude with mustache Dan Paustian. Caroline does it all, stripping, comedy, podcasting, stripping. While Dan has a mustache. Caroline wrote some good jokes in a loss to the aforementioned Ryan Joseph, but Dan would seem to be a smaller target, so let’s see who pops the bubbly with a win and turns the Belly Room into the Champagne room.
In our first main event, we have Roast Battle mainstay Josh Waldron versus Roast Battle all-timer Jay Light. Both of these guys have been there since pretty much the start. Josh used to write the Roast Report EVERY WEEK for the first couple years… until Jay stole it from him under cover of darkness to prevent over-editorializing and poop/fire emoji usage to rate battles. Josh has been pretty strong in his recent battles but could still hit another level while Jay has been switching between rough battles in sometimes tough rooms and absolute fire battles where he is the destructive force we’ve all seen. There is a lot to hash out between these two skilled writers so I preemptively give it five fire emojis. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Closing out the night in our second main event are Ashley Johnson and Omid Singh. Ashley is a strong joke writer and has proven himself a worthy fight for anyone. He could really take a leap to the next level with a win against Omid, who has the second-most wins in the history of the show. Omid is the master of the slow burn…the joke you didn’t see and the pieces you didn’t connect, but somehow he makes them fit. This is the way to bring in 2020.