Hey Roast Battle fans! Keith Carey here, fresh off a tag-team main event so terrible that it shut the show down for a week (not really, but sorry anyway). It was a bold attempt at innovation, but sadly we all learned that the combination of inside jokes, pinatas, confetti, and Frank Castillo’s weed-soaked blood was a bitter brew. But tonight, Roast Battle is back to one-on-one fights and we’ve got some real killers on deck. Let’s look at the fight card!
Battle rapper Corey Charron joins the judges’ panel tonight. Corey’s also a Roast Battle vet, having fought a couple of times in the Belly Room, so he knows what tonight’s fighters are dealing with. He’s joined by the host of Roastmasters, our sister show in New York, Luis J. Gomez! This is the Puerto Rican rattlesnake’s first trip to the Belly Room since his brutal beating by Kim Congdon, but from the VIP section, he’ll be able to dish up some serious venom. Rounding out the panel is everyone’s favorite bipolar lumberjack, Mike Lawrence! You may know Mike from winning Roast Battle’s first season, his appearances on @midnight, or from breathing too loud behind you at a screening of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. I’m kidding. Nobody saw Valerian. Except for Mike.
First up, it’s Richelle Meiss versus Peggy Sinnot!
Expect some serious sparks from this slugfest between Zooey Deschanel’s stunt double and the sexy version of the banjo kid from Deliverance! These ladies are, to the best of my knowledge, Roast Battle virgins, but both have some momentum behind them. Richelle is a writer at Circa Laughs, meaning she’s used to churning out jokes at a quick pace. And Peggy’s face looks like that, so she’s gotta be pretty funny.
After that, Rob Smallwood takes on Andrea Guzzetta!
Rob Smallwood has the most unfortunate last name since my childhood friend Dave Tinywiener. He’s up against Andrea Guzzetta, seen here presumably punctuating a sentence with too many uses of the word “like.” It’s Hard Knock Life versus Hard Time For A Manager At A Starbucks. What’s black and white and red all over? This bloodbath, that’s what.
Next, Alfred Konuwa grapples with the Wave’s own Haiti!
Alfred looks like the only black dude who picked up a tiki torch and made his voice heard in Charlottesville. Haiti, on the other hand, is what Donald Trump thinks all black people look like. Konuwa had a bright start in Roast Battle, but his track record has been somewhat spotty since. Haiti routinely gets huge laughs from the Wave, but sometimes has a hard time translating that skill to the ring. Still, his recent bout with Joe Eurell proves he’s got the chops to fight with some of the best. These two have drastically different fighting styles, and it will be interesting to see them bounce off one another.
Our final undercard pits Billy Boondocks against David Lucas!
David Lucas, aka “The Notorious Way Too Fucking B.I.G”, is always a fun battler to watch. His jokes are hit and miss, but he’s lightning fast on his feet and has had some of the show’s best moments just shitting on the judges off the dome. I’m not familiar with battle rapper Billy Boondocks, but it was nice of his master to let him pick his own tree, I guess. Sorry, Billy, I’m on a deadline and racism is the easiest way to hit a word count for this blog.
The evening’s first main event is a bi-coastal brawl between Dave Sirus and Toby Muresianu!
I don’t know if this a Roast Battle or just a meetup group for r/incel (if you don’t know what that means, go to that Reddit page and laugh at those idiots forever). Toby comes into this fight as an obvious favorite. He’s a lethal joke writer, a tremendously uninteresting person which makes him hard to write about, and he has become a crowd favorite with a daunting win-streak over the past year. However, it would be foolish to sleep on Sirus. Although he might not be familiar to West Coast fans, Dave is a destroyer in New York’s roast scene and has written for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog himself, even earning an Emmy nomination in the process. And as the only person who might be more of a lame Jew dork than Toby, he may be the man with the secret weapon to conquer LA’s favorite autistic golem.
We wrap shit up with former champion Leah Kayajanian going to the mat with young upstart Caesar Lizardo!
It’s Armenian versus…I don’t know, Puerto Rican, maybe? Or, like, Honduran? Whatever the least trustworthy Latino is, Caesar is that. This has the potential to be a really neat fight as the old guard butts heads with the new class of Roast Battle fighters. Leah’s a fixture in the Belly Room, made multiple appearances on the show’s Comedy Central iteration, and is coming off a career-best fight against Omid Singh. Caesar overcame a rough start in the ring and has steadily improved with each fight. As his jokes and presence escalated, it was only a matter of time before he took a swing at a big dog. He’ll have his work cut out for him against Kayajanian, and we’re all watching to see whether the woman who puts the “mean” in “Armenian” puts him in his place, or if Hurricane Caesar tears the roof off of the building.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.