In our lifetime, some crazy shit has happened. Two airplanes took down the World Trade Center, Janet Jackson showed her tit on NBC and a reality TV show star became president of these United States. In the midst of all this madness, there have been some genuinely compelling arguments for not saying certain words in our modern society. The FCC has issued infinite fines. A comedian in Canada was successfully sued for making fun of a handicapped person. Some people believe that certain words are hurtful, and we just shouldn’t use them because they’re often employed to harm oppressed groups of people. Words like retard, faggot, cunt, etc. can potentially offend people and do damage to the world at large. For example, you shouldn’t say something like “That faggot fucked that retard so hard, he grew a cunt.” There have been countless blogs written to explain why we shouldn’t use those awful words. But this is a blog and this is America, and we’re going to celebrate our freedom of speech until the retards running the country pry it from our cold, dead cunts. We understand people get hurt, people are oppressed, but that’s why comedy exists. The purpose of any art is to take everything ugly and horrific and painful in the world, and make it palatable to talk about, to think about, to live with. The world can be a terrifying place, especially with the threat of nuclear war hanging over our heads. But until the mushroom cloud blooms over the Belly Room, we will continue saying whatever the fuck we want. And it’s true, words hurt some people or make some people uncomfortable, but maybe art sting. Maybe that’s what people want. Maybe it’s cathartic. Also, don’t be such a faggot. What are you, retarded? We’re here to help. If we don’t constantly and consistently say cunt, the terrorists win. Whatever!
Let’s meet our judges….
Our first two judges are diametric opposites. Mike Lawrence is the first ever Roast Battle TV Champion and recent Roastie winner for Judge of the Year. He looks like he jerks off to Google images of our second judge, Esther Ku. Ku is an accomplished comedian with multiple MTV credits, but she was last seen in the Belly Room being bitch slapped by the Asian Assassin, Alex Duong. Don’t let that loss undersell what a vicious vixen she is. Our final judge, Adam Hunter, is a quiet force to be reckoned with. His last turn on the panel found him striking at just the right moments for maximum damage to the egos of weak battlers. These comic forces of nature are sure to compliment each other in an extremely entertaining way, forming a judgmental juggernaut. Let’s Roast!
Our first undercard sees Millennial Mike Gamms facing off against Christina Marie Leonard.
Mike Gamms is a rare case of trying way too hard and somehow, at the same time, not trying nearly hard enough. We last saw him take a loss to Fizaa Dosani, he was dressed as if his closet is every thrift store in Silverlake. He’s such a hipster he hasn’t even heard of the bands that he likes. He looks like if Pee-Wee Herman jizzed on Coachella and grew a faggot. I feel like Christina Marie Leonard is one of those girls that wears an “I ♥ Nerds” shirt, but would run away if one tried to talk to her. Then again, she didn’t run away the couple times I’ve talked to her, but I’m cool af so it’s not really a great gage. Either way, I sincerely hope she beats the fuck out of this smug effeminate dork who looks like he works at Willy Wonka’s Molly Factory. Eh, he’s probably pretty cool guy.
In our second undercard, Mike Fellows verbally assaults John-Philippe Johnson.
Mike Fellows, seen here kidnapping a scared canine, had a decent battle a few months ago, but was ultimately buried by the undertaker, Jaun Cias. John-Philippe Johnson, seen here moments before giving birth to half of the Taco Bell menu, has never battled to the best of my knowledge. It’s a strange phenomenon in LA where so many people come here to do comedy, and the geography of the city is so spread out, that two people can be grinding it out at mics for years, and never cross paths. That looks to be the case here, as I’ve never seen this behemoth before, but he looks if the giant ate the beanstalk. Mike has proven he can write and deliver a joke, and despite having a dumb name, John-Phillipe seems likable enough to win over the crowd. Should be a fun war of wits.
In the third three-joke fight of the night, Andy Ruther takes on Matty Goldberg.
I thought I had never seen or heard of Andy Ruther, but maybe douchey white dudes in comedy just aren’t that memorable. He has battled before, as it turns out. Last time he did all “you’re bad at comedy” jokes, which backfired when they all bombed and he becomes the ironic subject of his proverbial punchlines. Matty Goldberg, on the other hand, I’ve seen a bunch and absolutely love him. He’s such a huge Jew-y nerd Mike Lawrence should sue him for copyright infringement. It’ll be fun to see if Matty can translate his goofy charm into competitive roasting, and we’ll see if Andy writes more creative jokes this time or if he’s just a hacky frat boy fuck.
The fourth undercard in our stacked night of fights, pits the too-tall-to-fall Todd Walker against the loveable-from-a-distance Timothy McGorry.
Genetically, Todd Walker is superior to Timothy McGorry in every way, but that doesn’t matter in Roast Battle. Tim has a lot of potential, and I honestly love the obnoxious moron. However, his last battle was one that Coach Tea (along with the rest of the room) gave up on before it was even over. Todd Walker is a smooth dude and has a solid win under his belt. If Tim gets his shit together and Todd doesn’t make the oft-made mistake of under-preparing for his second battle due to overconfidence from his first, this could be a show-stealing undercard. We’ll see if these two battle babies have staying power or if they’ll go the way of Kevin Mac and never show their face in the Belly Room again out of embarrassment.
Things really pick up in our fifth undercard when April Lotshaw makes her long awaited return along with the return nobody was waiting for of Tony Alfano.
These two OC peeps have had bodacious brawls in the past. April Lotshaw’s debut against Anna Valenzuela was one of the best debuts in the show’s history. She also had a fantastic fight against notorious Facebook rant-er and transgender darling, Robin Tran. Both her former opponents went on to get their first TV credits in Season 2 of Roast Battle on Comedy Central, while April floats around, hitting open mics in obscurity. It’s great to have her back, and I hope Tony Alfano has his game face on to face off against this fierce pimple-faced motherfucker. Tony’s a solid battler with a mixed history, but maybe tonight he will step into the spotlight and claim his own place in Roast Battle history. He’s going to have to step it up when he steps to this fiery little blonde bastard.
The sixth and final undercard before our action-packed double main events, features Unruly Heather Marulli going tits-to-tits with Paige “The Rage” Wesley.
Both these full-figured femme fatales have straight up body-bagged bitches in the Belly Room. Paige has been nothing but consistently impressive as she continues to tear thru commendable competition. Heather has been less consistent but is more experienced so it doesn’t necessarily give Paige the gilded edge. I’d call this a catfight, but these crazy cunts are so ferocious, we’re straight up stepping into the lion’s den. At her best, Heather is fucking unflappable, which she’ll have to be to take down the Flappers-trained Wicked Witch of Wesley. An exciting match up moving into our first main event.
In the first of two main events, recently defeated Joe Eurell will take on also recently defeated Doug Fager in a five-joke fight.
This is sure to be one helluva slobber-knocker. Both these battlers had been on heavy hot streaks cut short by underdog defeats and they are going to be out for fucking blood. Doug looks like the kinda guy who only rapes Asian chicks. Joe’s a painter, and he lives a still life. Joe is confined to a wheelchair because of severe cerebral palsy, which is disorder often caused by brain damage. Doug only looks like he has brain damage. One time I asked Doug if he’d suck a dick for a million dollars and he said he usually only gets five bucks. Doug claims to have OCD, but his victims report he’s just a little anal. Joe has fake teeth, which really makes you wonder what else he’s faking. You can bet these two Roast Battle veterans are gonna roll to the ring armed to their big-ass teeth. I asked them what they thought of their opponent and here it is in their own words:
“It’s hard to Roast Battle somebody so vapid, but win or lose, I’m ready to #FuckFager.” – Joe Eurell
“Joe has become one of the “big dogs” in Roast Battle, which is ironic because normally big dogs are Joe’s biggest fear.” – Doug Fager
This battle has legs… or wheels… or whatever, it’s going be a crazy good show!
As if all that wasn’t enough, we get an extra treat with a rare tag-team battle. Mean Boys Keith Carey & Connor McSpadden prepare to go to war with the all-star team of Jay Light & Frank “The Champ” Castillo.
This has the potential to be an all-time great main event. These are four of the finest fighters in every iteration of the show. Connor possesses the rapier wit and swift reflexes of a skilled fencer. Keith Carey is arguably the most beloved battler in Belly Room. Jay Light is the very backbone of Roast Battle, doing everything from booking battles, editing the report, running the lineup and brutally bludgeoning anybody he battles. And Frank Castillo won one for the home team when he defeated four of best battlers in a tournament with some of the best comics in the world to become the current Roast Battle Champion. We’re so fucking hyped to watch these four monsters masochistically mutilate each other for our entertainment. I caught up with the competitors to get their last minute comments on tonight’s four-man fight feast:
“I’m excited to come to the Belly Room to beat the shit out of Jay Light. Again.” – Keith Carey
“I can’t wait to step in the ring and tear Keith and Connor new assholes, especially because then they’ll have new holes to fuck each other in.” – Jay Light
“See you tonight, Frank. Maybe don’t bring your mom for this one.” – Connor McSpadden
“Keith and Connor who?” – International Roast Battle Sensation, Frank “The Champ” Castillo
It’s going to be an absolute barnburner in the Belly Room tonight. Prepare your pussies for World War III.
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