Spirits were high this Tuesday night and the crowd was hot and ready for some battles after the stand-up portion of the show. The first undercard of the night was first-timer Courtney Peterson and Bruce Gray. Bruce confidently volunteers to go first and proceeds with one of the more bizarre Roast Battle strategies we’ve seen.
“Courtney used to weigh 300 pounds and she cheated on her ex boyfriend. Courtney Peterson? More like Portly Cheaterson.”
“When I first met Bruce, I thought he was gay. My bad. I should’ve known he likes pussy cuz imitation is the greatest form of flattery.”
“I have fucked before with a woman. I love pussy. Courtney’s dad lives in a van in Alaska. Courtney Peterson? More like Courtney Made-her-dad-leaverson.”
“Bruce loved to play baseball. Believe it or not they actually called him Babe Ruth, not because he’s good but because his body looks like it’s made out of nougat. He’s fat!”
“Courtney’s two most recent ex boyfriends are both heroin addicts. Courtney Peterson? More like Get Yourself Checked Cuz They Probably Shared Needleson.”
“If you didn’t know this, believe it or not, Bruce actually played shortstop. Yeah, every time he fucks women are like ‘It’s too short! Stop!’”
The judges commend Courtney on a solid first-ever battle, but must give credit where credit is due. Bruce’s likability and charm won over the crowd and he was able to pull off a fun and silly combination of roast jokes and a Dr. Seuss book. He takes the W and puts the judges and the audience in a playful mood.
The next battle was an absolute disaster but entertaining nonetheless. The jokes aren’t worth mentioning, however in the case of Enrique Manuel Gonzalez and Dyson Styles it is worth mentioning that upon Tony Hinchcliffe’s request, there is a new way of judging matches where neither battler does well. The winner, Enrique, was booed less than Dyson Styles and therefore takes the win in a “lesser of two evils” situation. I must say, this battle would’ve been far more fun to watch had they just taken their shirts off. Am I right ladies? Moving on to only slightly less of a trainwreck, Lou Vahram and Doon Sanders.
The initial verbal shots were mostly directed at Doon.
“I’ve never seen a man shaped like a milk dud before.” – Mike Lawrence
“I mean I’m fat but this guy looks like Louie C-cups. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s 0 for 1 on black working as a slimming color.” – Pat Barker
Doon decides to take the bullet and the battle commences.
“Lou once played Darth Vader in a music video, fulfilling his dream of being able to choke his girlfriend without getting off the couch.”
“Doon looks like a groundhog who’s afraid to see it’s shadow because it’s black.”
Jamar Neighbors jumps up and taunts him, telling him to say it again and then, Jeremiah jumps in.
“Say it again, you white bitch.”
The room explodes and chants “white bitch” as Lou’s face begins to lose color.
“You guys, White bit.. I mean Lou. Lou has been with his girlfriend for three years, but the only ring on his mind is the one stolen from him by those filthy, stinking hobitses.”
“Doon says he’s a videographer, but he mostly makes home videos… like, at your home… without you knowing about it.”
“I’m creepy? You look like you think Kars 4 Kids is an exchange program. Lou’s ex girlfriend tried to slit her wrist but it was just a cry for help. She dated Lou for so long she thought the knife would go soft as soon as it was inside of her.”
“Doon’s a big fan of the Angels because when the diabetes kicks in, he’ll become one. I’m kidding, Doon. Child molesters go to hell.”
Lou is never quite able to connect and after his last joke, Coach T plays “Say Something I’m Giving Up On You” and Jeremiah flaps his arms like a melancholic angel.
It’s worth mentioning that Lou’s jokes weren’t completely terrible but were delivered with an awkward energy and zero confidence, and he had to suffer the consequences. The judges took turns taking jabs at an already beaten down man.
“You look like Ben Gleib with Lupus.” – Jeff Ross
After Jeff’s comment, Lou pulls a move that sometimes pays off, but can often go horribly awry and he goes after the firing squad.
“Yeah he’s said that about me, specifically, already. It’s fine. He recycles his jokes and that’s why he gets to do this.” – Lou Vahram
“We learned something tonight then, that recycling is better than garbage.” – Mike Lawrence
Lou attempts to fire back at Mike but the attempt fails. Mike reminds everyone that it’s important to have fun failing and Doon takes the match with the audience vote.
For a complete change of pace, the least confident man in Roast Battle leaves the stage with a loss as the most confident woman in Roast Battle takes the stage to claim a win over Guam Felix.
“For those of you keeping score at home, that’s 0 for 3 on black working as a slimming color.
After Heather says she would let the wave smash, Guam volunteers Heather to go first.
“Guam tried to kill his baby mama by running her over with his car. That’s fucking crazy… How did you afford a car?”
“Heather is a very strong independent woman. She got a job at AAA pushing cars off the freeway.”
“Thank you Manny Hack-iao.”
“Thank you transgender Undertaker.”
“You’re welcome Mortal Kom-Fat. Guam, you look like your midlife crisis took place in a strip mall karate dojo.”
“Heather is so big, she has to get her tampon changed at a Jiffy Lube.”
“I love how you’re calling me fat when you get winded in the shower. “
“I bet Guam’s dick is as useless, tiny, and hard to find as the island he’s named after.”
“Heather has so many pimples on her back, people in Silver Lake use it to do rock climbing.”
Both battlers put up a good fight but, Guam’s last joke is a dud and Heather wins the crowd over by reminding them who she is.
“I’m a very attractive woman.”
Confidence is key tonight and Heather had it, earning her first win in quite some time. That concludes the undercards for the evening, and it’s on two the first main event featuring Paige Wesley and Caesar Lizardo. Paige makes the first move.
“Caesar is the main breadwinner for his family if you consider Little Caesar’s five dollar pizza a bread.”
“It’s ironic that her name is Paige because she’s had to read and never gets booked.”
“Thank you for taking time from your job as the Eddie Bauer bouncer to be here tonight.”
“What dat mean doe?”
“It means you clearly don’t own a mirror or spend enough time around white people to dress that way.”
“Paige is from Dublin, California which is fitting because she’s been doublin’ in size since birth.”
“Thank you, Hack Panther.”
“You’re welcome, Buffy the In n Out Slayer.”
“Anytime, Bro-se Cuervo.”
“No problem, Obese Witherspoon.”
“Caesar named his daughter Mia, spelled M-I-A just in case she wonders where he is after he goes out for cigarettes.”
Caesar bends down and speaks to the periscope because only Caesar’s baby would be up at 1am watching his dad make jokes at a fat woman’s expense.
“That’s not true daddy loves you, he loves you and he’d never leave you muah! Paige doesn’t really smoke weed, but she is 420.”
“Casar does all kinds of drugs, weed, coke, LSD, Molly. Pretty much the only pills he doesn’t touch are birth control.”
“Guys are desperate enough to find hookers on Backpage, but are never desperate enough to call Paige back.”
“Caesar’s Dominican and it looks like he just came from the Islands. Not the Caribbean ones, the Islands burger restaurant down the street where he works.”
“Paige is waiting for her big break and my guess is it’s gonna be one of those weak ass ankles.”
Both had some fantastic jokes and Paige’s MIA joke may have been the best joke of the night, however, Caesar connected more consistently and Pat praises him on his ability to throw Paige’s game off by asking her to explain a joke. By unanimous vote, Caesar takes the battle.
In the last battle of the night, Chloe McGovern takes the stage and announces that she’s battling Alex Hooper because he’s super hot and she’d like to have sex with him. Alex enters the arena in a colorful, tight costume swinging lights around to EDM music in a very Alex Hooper fashion.
“I’m battling Chloe because I heard her on a podcast say LA comedians are all performance based. Whatever could she mean?”
Alex and his ever-present balls volunteer to go first.
“Everyone let’s make this quick. Chloe has school in the morning and I don’t want the rest of her third-grade class realizing their gerbil escaped.”
“Give it up for the reason the Washington Redskins have to change their name. Alex’s biggest career accomplishment was publishing a calendar of dogs doing yoga. Only a guy who looks like that can take a look at an animal and be like ‘I wish its legs would stretch wider.”
“Chloe told her family they were white trash, to which her mom responded ‘Hell yeah we’re white.’”
“Thank you the only man squirrels aren’t afraid of.”
“We are friends.”
“Alex does comedy the same way women try not to have sex with him. If it’s not working he just starts screaming louder.”
“Oh, Chloe. You’re almost beautiful. I used to wonder if you were born with that stink face but then I realized I would look like that too if the Grinch stole all my presents.”
“Good one Carrot Bottom. Alex, I’m sorry you are a great guy. Alex always eats pussy and dead rats off the street.”
“Chloe spends a lot of time on her knees but don’t get the wrong idea. She’s praying… that she will never run out of dicks to suck.”
“Alright guys let’s make this quick. Alex has a rave to get toad a lot of Molly to do while she’s passed out and can’t fight back.”
“Chloe is part Vietnamese, so while many men force their way into her, none of them really understand why they’re there.”
“I didn’t know whether I should write a roast joke tonight or just hold a mirror up to your face. Alex you look like you smell your fingers every tie you set your nephew down.”
This should have been the last joke but both battlers are killing and the crowd is thirsty for more, screaming for another joke.
“Chloe is such poor white trash instead of a train, she has a trailer of guys plow her. Yeah, I didn’t wanna do that one.”
“Alex says he has pugs but that’s just what happens to a Schnauzer’s face when you press it up against a wall and fuck it from behind.”
Chloe’s final joke sparks a chant from the audience pushing for Chloe to take the win. While Alex seemed to have an edge in the beginning, Chloe’s jokes got progressively better and the extra joke synched the deal. The judges give the victory to Chloe and for tonight, New York is Queen.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.