The crowd is abnormally sparse this past Tuesday night, in this painfully quiet time before any major announcements about Roast Battle’s third season this summer. As the battles begin there are even a handful of chairs populated by comics, just like back in the days before the TV show.
First up in the undercards Paul Elia and Scott Kidd face off. Scott is brought up first with a fumbled pre-bell line for which he’s granted a mulligan, and from the start, it seems like Paul Elia has a lock before a single shot is fired. He volunteers Scott to take the opening swing.
“Paul auditioned to play Pinocchio, but the casting director said he was more of a Gepetto-phile.”
“Scott Kidd looks like such a pedophile, he’s not allowed within 500 feet of his last name.”
“If Paul Elia were Aladdin, he’d rub the genie into his ass.”
With both battlers earning somewhat muted responses with their opening jokes, albeit from an uncharacteristically light crowd, things quickly take a worse turn for Scott Kidd as no one seems to know what the fuck ‘rubbing a genie into his ass’ is supposed to mean and the line is met with perplexed silence, until someone yells out “yeah, bitch!” to release the awkward tension form the misfire. Paul continues.
“On stage Scott says he looks like a cigarette. I’m assuming it’s because he’s white, smells like shit, and is not supposed to be in the mouths of children.”
With his second joke completely crushing against Scott Kidd’s dud, it seems like there’s no chance of a revival for Scott, though he does land a single solid blow with his closing quip:
“Paul’s family hates that he’s an actor. They tell him, ‘Paul, we moved out of Iraq to avoid headshots.’”
“Scott Kidd had an abortion and a miscarriage from his ex girlfriend. Yeah, she got rid of two Scott kids.”
While Scott managed to save a little face on his final joke, the vote remains unanimous for Paul Elia, and he takes the W in the evening’s only undercard.
Next up in the first of two one-round Main Events preceding the title match, killer-canuck, Rena Hundert, faces off with Amazonian sex-goddess, Heather Marulli. Unruly Marulli opens the tit-for-tat match.
“I don’t want to say that Rena has horse face, but her teeth definitely have triple crowns.”
“Heather’s just jealous because no one wants to ride her.”
“Rena’s Jewish, and she calls her pussy ‘the Wailing Walls’ because she dated three gay men who cried while eating her out.”
Heather seems to be having trouble landing anything as Rena Hundert is poised and ready with a rebuttal to every angle.
“I’m Jewish, but I’m not as cheap as that joke.”
Rena dunks hard and continues on to her regulation joke.
“Heather looks like if Monster were a low-energy drink.”
The room blows up. It’s a pretty flawless performance to this point from Rena while the ‘low energy’ burn seems perfectly placed as the lack of enthusiasm from Marulli seems equally to be the cause of her demise.
“Thank you, Sideshow Slob. You look like you save cum to heat up for later.”
“Heather really tries to be a thirst trap, but she’s really just hungry.”
“Thank you, Amy Adams Apple. Rena does a joke about her pussy similar to one I do, but just like Rena’s real pussy, mine is a much tighter version.”
Heather’s main problem – apart from the fact that she seems more reserved in this battle than normal, and less aggressive – is that she also keeps opening every exchange with a very crappy “Thank you, ___” joke. Using a total of three for only five jokes, with each one worse than the other, they do nothing to add to her jokes and instead undercut only undercut her credibility. Speed kills in the Roast Battle ring, and every syllable counts from the second you open your mouth until you get to the punchline. There’s no need for filler, let alone room for it. While they can always compliment a joke, battlers should, for the most part, proceed with caution using these types of lines. 90% of the time they’re just lame puns that take power away from the actual jokes they’re preceding.
Another important factor is that where Heather has opted to undercut her own jokes in each exchange, Rena has further taken power and control by having a comeback ready for almost every insult. She continues.
“I didn’t steal that joke, i had to hide it before Heather could eat it. Heather’s dad ditched their family for Thailand. I guess he cares more about ladyboy dick than his daughter’s feelings… too mean?”
“Thank you, Raggedy Fanny. Rena’s the worst thing to happen from comedy from Canada since Phil Hartman’s wife bought a gun.”
Following Rena’s only bomb in the round, Heather finally scores a real solid punch, even despite the “Raggedy Fanny” flop. Regardless, it’s too little too late.
“Heather’s seen John Mayer in concert 16 times. i guess there’s pretty good snacks at those concerts.”
Rena saves her strongest dis for last, in classic Roast Battle fashion, and takes the win in regulation.
Bryan Vokey is up next to take on the Belly Room’s winningest battler, Omid Singh. Omid arrives clean shaven and ready to take on the 2018 Roast Battle Royale winner.
“Bryan looks like he delivers pizzas with two slices missing.”
“Speaking of food, they say you don’t shit where you eat which is why you’’ll never catch Omid eating in a river.”
“Bryan was honorably discharged from the Army and an Applebee’s.”
“Omid’s originally from Orange County. He’s so OC, in his yearbook photo he’s wearing a Tap-Out turban.”
“Bryan, the bags under your eyes are so black, a Starbucks employee just called the cops on them.”
“Omid does a podcast on the patio here where he corners successful comics into an interview. Because his people can’t do anything without hostages.”
“Bryan, you look like you make up too many rules in a mosh pit.”
“No elbows. No elbows. For real.”
“Omid is so alone and bad at dating he’s just gonna befriend his 72 virgins.”
“Bryan looks like a country singer with a learning disability named Tim McGuhhhhhhh.”
“Omid travels the whole world doing standup. Not because he’s funny. Because his dad died and left him a bunch of money.”
It’s a solid back and forth the whole way, with Omid holding a small edge on every exchange. Vokey’s closing joke is hilarious, but it takes a notable dip likely due to its meanness contrasted against the otherwise lighthearted and silly lines from Omid. Both earn very strong praise from the firing squad, but the votes still go decisively for Omid who furthers his record win total.
Nicole Becannon comes up to close the night with a title shot against the truly vicious champion Toby Muresianu.
“Nicole’s had a rough life. She’s had ups and looks like she has Down’s.”
“I’ve been through tough times but Toby has seen some shit. only because his head is so far up his own ass.”
“Nicole’s so lonely, I think she just Roast Battles for the hug at the end.”
“You really put the ass in ‘Aspergers.’ Toby’s from Boston and he’s kinda like the New England Patriots of Roast Battle. Like yeah, he wins a lot, but fuck him.”
“Wow Nicole. Your eye is so lazy, I think it wrote your jokes.”
“If you want to know what it’s like to have a conversation with Toby, just type the n-word into a speak and spell.”
The first round is a solid back and forth between the two, but Toby takes the edge earning a lead with two rounds left to go. Nicole opts to defer to him for round two.
“Nicole was actually recruited by the CIA. Because they needed someone no one would notice or remember.”
“Nicole was criticized for defending Louis CK. But to be fair, she would watch him masturbate even if he wasn’t a comedian.”
“Nicole worked at Disneyland where she had to do three hours of makeup every day just to not scare kids away from the ticket booth.”
Toby lands all solid jabs but Nicole comes in a little looser and ready to swing for the fences.
“Toby is actually fucking a doctor, she’s here tonight, she’s beautiful.”
Nicole moves to address her jokes directly to Toby’s hot doctor girlfriend in the back of the room.
“So, what is it, like just like in medical school, you have to practice on a corpse before you’re ready for a real man?”
It’s an explosive line leaving almost no room for two-round decision even with two jokes left to tell. She continues her line of questioning to Toby’s girlfriend:
“You’re a pediatrician, right? Isn’t it frowned upon that you started dating one of the children… of the corn?”
“He’s so creepy, like what’s his dirty talk like? ‘Hey baby, I just killed a kid. Let’s make another one.’”
With another decisive round, this time in Nicole’s favor, it’s on to a tie-breaking third round in this title match. Roastmaster Jeff Ross volunteers Toby to open the final round.
“It’s true, I am dating a doctor and they have the same number of prescriptions. Nicole’s actually freezing her eggs. Not on purpose, her pussy just doubles as cold storage.”
“Toby’s right, I am very sad, but you look like you fuck to the songs I cry to.”
Nicole lands another haymaker against Toby’s solid jabs and earns an early lead in the deciding round.
“Nicole’s suicide attempt was a cry for help. She needed help from someone who was better at suicide.”
“Toby thinks that police brutality is exaggerated in the media, but if you actually look at the statistics you’ll see that nobody givesa fuck what Toby thinks.”
“Nicole says she does everything for her father’s approval. And guess who I brought here tonight… oh that’s so weird… has he ever not shown up for you before?”
“Do you just not recognize the plight of African Americans because you’re worried that one day you’ll fine Black Life Matter all over your girlfriend’s back?”
The judges have a tough time coming to a consensus, while Nicole was more consistent and started stronger, Toby overall had the higher highs in three rounds and it’s enough to prompt an overtime with Nicole up first.
“When Toby’s parents couldn’t repair their broken marriage, he was convinced he could fix it. He was like ‘have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on?’”
“Nicole is not a slut. In fact, I can count on one hand the amount of drug addicts she’s fucked on an air mattress in a kitchen.”
The simplicity of Nicole’s overtime joke earns a huge pop while Toby’s more inside slam referencing everyone’s favorite ex-junky/ roast report writer, yours truly, takes a slightly softer blow. The judges are united in their decision to crown Nicole Becannon your new Belly Room champion, sliding her into the coveted #1 spot after a long string of solid performances that earned her her place. It’s a stunning upset that few could have predicted in the not-too-distant past, but it’s a nevertheless decisive victory in overtime. With her first battle as champ already scheduled a few weeks out against Jamar Neighbors sure to be a bloodbath, it’s a new chapter in Roast Battle history.
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