With the pre-show starting a full twenty minutes early, the battles begin with a lot of life still in the room. First up, Russell Ells enters to take on Nate Banditelli, and both are dressed nearly identical.
“I’m excited to see the Israeli Verizon guy go up against the Mexican Verizon guy.” – Saudi Prince
“This looks like Sam Tripoli gave birth to the Sklar Brothers.” – Jeff Ross
After some more ribbing from the judges, the battlers square off, with Nate attempting to land a strong first blow.
“Russell’s half white and half Mexican. That means he’s half metrosexual and half Metro PCS.”
The failed phone joke earns a dial-tone sound cue courtesy of Coach Tea and Russell seems to have it in the bag before firing a single shot.
“Nate is a disappointment to his racist family. His name is their least favorite N-word.”
“Russell’s a ghost writer. That makes sense because everyone wants him dead.”
Nate’s second joke does about as good as Russell’s first and suddenly it seems like if he can pull off a solid closer, the match remains winnable.
“As a boy, Nate was an Eagle Scout. Now he just scouts for boys to spread eagle.”
“Russell’s last couple battlers all pulled out at the last minute. They must have talked to his Dad, who was all ‘don’t make the same mistake I did.'”
“Nate’s an Italian who eats too much pizza, but hopefully he gives his wrist the last slice.”
Nate closes super strong with the pull-out joke, but it’s still not enough to regain the ground he lost on his first two misfires and it’s another W for Russell Ells.
Next up, Austin’s Sara June takes to the stage first to take on fellow Austin-ite Yusef Roach. She digs in and fires off her pre-bell ‘why are you battling?’ line:
“Papa Roach converted to Islam.”
The line whiffs and she seems to have some ground to make up as Yusef is called up and the fight gets started.
“Yusef looks like gay Urkel got kicked off the Harlem Globetrotters for possessing Percocet.”
“Sara writes a lot about feminism in her comedy. It’s like yo, we get it… you’re not funny.”
Sara fails to connect with her first joke and it seems like an uphill battle from here as Yusef lands a solid blow with his opener.
“Yusef is polyamorous which means he makes lots of different white girls fail to cum.”
“Sara is Persian, she gets pissed if you call her Iranian, but we just call her unfuckable.”
Sara completely turns it around with her second joke and now it’s Yusef who earns some silence on his follow-up line.
“The only thing Yusef hates more than being black is writing jokes.”
Sara’s closing joke kills and suddenly sends Yusef into a death spiral.
“Motherfuckin… I hate… fuckin…”
Yusef loses focus and seems to forget his final joke as Sara June jumps in for the kill.
“Do it, bitch!”
“I once saw Sara June headline the club we both started at and like halfway through or whatever like half the audience like walked out and I just think that’s so shitty for a comic like it’s so shitty anyone had to see her do comedy.”
After a mangled and awkward closing joke that still does manage to get some reaction, Sara June nevertheless takes the win uncontested, and we’re ready for our main event.
To close the night, Nicole Becannon takes the stage played up to a rendition of “You Are So Beautiful,” and her and Jeff Sewing explain that the matchup is the result of Jeff losing a bet to Roast Battle all-timer Pat Barker on their podcast, Pat and Jeff Like Sports. Nicole confidently offers to fire the first shot.
“You look like you’re about to lay a rifle down on the table and ask Moses what his intentions are with your daughter.”
“Nicole looks like the sort of girl that would try anything in bed: cheeseburgers, pizza….”
“Jeff got a dick piercing cuz her heard it’s easier to have an accessory to rape.”
“Nicole didn’t have her first kiss until she was 19, and I gotta say… kudos to your uncle for waitin’ it out.”
“Jeff actually might inherit a dairy farm which is perfect. He’s broke and his wife supports him, so he’s used to milking a cow for all it’s worth.”
“Nicole used to work at Disneyland, which makes sense cuz you kinda look like Minnie fucked Mickey… Rourke.”
Nicole and Jeff, two of the show’s best are both landing every shot as the move into joke number four.
“Jeff plays softball but just like in Hollywood, most people pass on what he pitches.
Nicole lives with a couple comics and it must be a hilarious household. You can check them out on their new sitcom, ‘Two Guys, a Girl, and Her Pizza-face.'”
Neither connects with their second-to-last line and the match is relatively even with maybe a slight edge going to Nicole.
“Jeff isn’t religious anymore but he still has a cross tattoo on his chest. His wife can relate because she also made a permanent commitment to something she doesn’t believe in anymore.”
“Nicole lost her virginity to a heroin addict, which makes sense because you would need needle-like accuracy to find the gap in her thighs.”
Nicole’s closer crushes while Jeff’s leaves her an opportunity to rebut and take his thunder.
“…and my pussy cuz it’s super tight!”
The crowd cheers and the judges go definitively for Nicole, while praising Jeff’s performance as well. Nicole Becannon has now positioned herself as the number one contender for the crown with a title matched booked for next month against reigning Belly Room champ, Toby Muresianu.
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