The judges have taken their places, joined by the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross, Comedy Central’s Morgan Murphy and the Golden Pony Tony Hinchliffe. The crowd is lit, if a little tentative. The All Black Girl Choir rushes the stage in an attempt to rally the troops. After a rousing “Battle! Battle!” from the chant master, we’re off to the races.
Moses begins the only undercard of the night by bringing Sharon Houston on stage. After a brief interaction with the judges, where it’s made clear she’s the judges’ favorite, Kelsey Lane comes to the stage. The judges lay into Kelsey for looking like a homeless boy, Tony says she “looks like she should star in the new Jay and Silent Barb movie.” Unfazed, Kelsey fires back:
“You look like one of Geppetto’s puppets that wanted to be a real child molester.”
Insulting Tony is always a crowd pleaser and the comment earns Kelsey a huge reaction, starting her off ahead with the audience. Sharon makes Kelsey go first.
“Sharon is so brave just for being here tonight. She’s been afraid of the outdoors since she got hit by that house.”
The joke gets a reaction from two people, and Kelsey realizes she flubbed the punchline, she corrects herself:
“Since that house fell on her, fuck!”
It’s too late. The joke is a miss. Sharon pounces:
“Kelsey is a bisexual but it’s only because she’s used to everyone in her life saying, ‘Byeeeeee.’”
“Thank you, Ariana Granny.”
Sharon’s cute joke earns a modest reaction from the audience, but Kelsey’s rebuttal makes the room explode. Sharon gets excited and tries to start her next joke, only to be stopped by the audience loudly chastising her. Kelsey continues:
“I don’t know how old Sharon is because she won’t tell me, I do know that her first road gig was the Oregon Trail.”
“It’s too bad you didn’t meet Louis CK because then you would have quit comedy.”
It gets a big reaction from the audience, undoubtedly based on the taboo nature of the subject, and not on the joke itself, since it lacks any real setup or context. Kelsey goes for broke with her last joke, taking a risk and singing:
“I’m a guitar comic. And Sharon is Cuban. So I wrote this song about life: Row, row, row, your boat, right to Miami. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily molested by your dad.”
The audience reacts loudly, but the enthusiasm fades abruptly.
“As you just heard, Kelsey is a guitar comic, and she does most of her songs in the key of ‘Gee, I wish my parents loved me.’”
It gets the biggest reaction for any of the roast jokes of the battle. The judges weigh in, hating on Kelsey for being a guitar comic. The judges comment on the closeness of the battle, most really enjoying the “Ariana Granny” comment from Kelsey, but voting for Sharon. Moses asks the audience to vote, and they go against the judges and vote for Kelsey.
The first of two main events is up, and it’s a battle of beasts. Moses brings Alex Hooper out first, he enters dressed in attire only typical to Alex Hooper, he has skintight leggings with bears on them and a skintight camo shirt. He addresses his look:
“You know, Doug is from Wisconsin, so I wanted to wear a traditional Wisconsin tuxedo.”
Moses asks Alex why he’s battling Doug, to which he responds,
“You know, I love Doug, he lives in Hollywood, and his hairline lives in Reseda.”
The audience is ready for this fucking battle, and Moses calls Doug Fager to the stage, he enters slowly to springtime music, dressed in a suit and tie, handing out roses to the audience while the Black Girl Choir sings, “He’s white, he’s white, he’s super, super white.”
Doug has a Valentine’s Day gift for Alex. It’s a heart-shaped box with lotion inside. The audience is chomping at the bit after the excellent pre-battle banter, and Doug jumps to go first.
“Alex comes from a long line of experimenters. His mom was the first woman to ever set her womb to ‘broil.’”
The joke doesn’t have time to land and the black girl choir chimes in with “ABCD that joke ain’t funny,” and the audience erupts. Alex hits back:
“Doug looks like the guidance counselor who when a student tells him about her rape he responds “well, was he bigger then me?”
Doug doesn’t miss a beat:
“Alex, it sounds like your voice also has eczema. 4 out of 5 dermatologists recommend that Alex sees another dermatologist.”
“Doug is an alcoholic Uber driver. He didn’t just get on the wagon, he started driving it.”
“Alex looks like all of the Wizard of Oz Characters at once.”
“Thank you, Nicolas Keeps-Women-In-A-Cage. Doug respects women. He always makes sure they are fully passed out before he draws a dick on their face.”
“Alex told me he loves doing molly and ecstasy, which I assume are the names of his pugs. Alex has had so much sex with his rescue pugs he’s the first human with ASPCAIDS.”
The first part of the joke gets a bigger laugh than the second, and Alex sees an opportunity to regain the momentum after his last joke faltered a bit. He pounces:
“Doug just got out of a nine-year on-and-off relationship. Every time he got on she couldn’t get off.”
The joke is a smash and they are neck and neck. In a joke that will go down in Roast Battle infamy, Doug launches into a monologue, completely unheard of in a show where word economy is a way of life.
“Once upon a time, Alex was in madly in love with his best friend for many years. He picked a day to finally tell her, and at the very moment he was going to reveal his love for her, he walked in on her having sex with another guy. Alex was heartbroken, he went upstairs and punched the walls, crying as he howled in rage and despair. And as his love got pounded, the last petal fell off the enchanted rose (drops rose petal from pocket)…and Alex was forced to stay this way, roaming the grounds of the friend zone forever.”
Coach T offers a FLAWLESS assist, slowly fading in the theme from Beauty And The Beast as Doug continues, and the joke is a smash. The audience is almost to their feet cheering and howling, the judges are in awe. Alex is unfazed, and hits back:
“Doug you’re an alcoholic, you dropped out of college, you have no girlfriend, no real job, and you do improv. Your brother may have passed away three years ago, but you’re the one who’s truly dead to your parents.”
The audience is rowdy and excited after this sensational battle. The judges weigh in, congratulating both battlers on a phenomenal match. It’s a close call, but Doug is unanimously voted the winner for his risky monologue paying off. The judges vote the joke one of the best they’ve heard.
The last battle is the start of the Hateful 8: Galina Ravina versus Jeff Sewing. After some ribbing from the judges, Galina starts us off.
“Jeff’s wife has one eye that’s lazy, and another that works double shifts to support Jeff.”
“Galina has her name tattooed on the inside of her lip, it must suck for the sperm to see who they’re being wasted on.”
“Jeff looks like his freezer is full of Girl Scout cookies, and the child who sold them.”
“Galina has a therapy dog. Don’t worry, Galina’s fine, it’s just sex therapy.”
The joke is a flop. The buttholes in this crowd are pretty tight. Jeff responds to the flop with:
“I thought maybe that would happen.”
“Jeff used to work on a dairy farm, but was let go when he started lactating.”
Though Jeff’s self-deprecation and awareness earn him a laugh. Galina pulls into the lead after a banger of a joke.
“Galina’s brother is in the process of opening a hedge fund for bitcoin, so like Galina, his career is going to end because he’s two months late.”
“Thank you, John Wayne Gassy.”
“You’re welcome, Bimbo Baggins.”
“Jeff is a Catholic school graduate who ended up with a Prince Albert piercing. Damn Jeff, how much did you miss getting Holy Dick?”
“Galina works at a Ferrari dealership. All day she takes dirty old men for free rides, just hoping that one will commit, and then she has to go work at a Ferrari dealership.”
“In high school, Jeff used to play football. His position was hunchback.”
“Galina reminds me of her home city of Cleveland. She’s tough, a little bit hairy, and someday she’ll be destroyed when a black guy leaves her.”
There’s a few “ohhhs” from the audience and a lot of laughs. Galina was more consistent, but Jeff’s punches landed harder despite a couple duds. Saudi votes the battle “two and a half towers down,” which is apparently the highest grade he can give. The judges are conflicted. It’s a close match.
Ultimately, they vote for Jeff, and he will continue on in the tournament. However, Galina isn’t going home disappointed, as Morgan Murphy said to her, “you’ll definitely be the more successful one.” It was a great night filled with some of the best jokes, comebacks and antics in Roast Battle history.
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