Welcome back, Roast Battle fans. I plan to give you what you came here for: to read about what happened on Tuesday night. However, I’d first like to address something that every comic has dealt with in their wild ride of stage goofs. That is, the concept of parallel thinking. The only thing a comic fears hearing more than “we’re taking away your career for a joke you made that we deem as inappropriate” is “I’ve heard that one before.” Good comedians pride themselves on coming up with original content. The challenge here is that a successful Roast Battle joke can be incredibly formulaic, with “you look like” jokes being the most popular. With this show going for five years now, battlers are not going to read back through every single roast report. That was be a tremendous amount of homework and if we liked homework, we’d go to medical school. This unfortunate combination of parallel thinking and not reading back the jokes previously done can pave the way for some serious recycled material and on top of that, accusations that have frankly tarnished reputations. Jokes, in the realm of name calling, previously seen at this show did resurface tonight. More on that later! What happened?
It’s my pleasure to be writing the report about such a extraordinary night of battles. Talented joke writing and phenomenal performances were a great jumping off point, but it is the audience that takes home the award for the best part of the night. This fabulous lump of laughers deserve the real wins. From the very first moment the “BATTLE” chant touched their lips, the energy in the room was pulsating harder than your dad’s manhood the night you were made. Your beloved host Brian Moses bring up the judges for the evening: Frank Castillo, Jeff Ross, Ed Larson, Alex Duong, Nimesh Patel, and Mookie Thompson. Our season 2 champion Frank Castillo quickly announces that he’s getting married, aaaand nobody cares. Let the roasting begin!
First up to the Belly Room stage is Sarah Fatemi (2-3), who is wearing a bright green dress. Jeff Ross remarks, “She looks like a stripper on Saint Patrick’s Day”, which the audience eats up. When asked why she is battling Ryan Nesen, Sarah tells us, “I’ve been battling girls for a while now. I wanted to switch teams”. Yum! Ryan is brought up next and like the gentleman that he is, he goes first.
“Sarah is so Persian, even her shadow needs to be bikini waxed. Yes, the carpet matches the mustache.”
“Ryan looks like the type of guy who claims to like girls, but the leaking from his anus says otherwise.”
“I have IBS! Sarah’s pussy is like the Genie’s lamp from Aladdin. Cold, dusty, and the men who rub it wish for something better.”
“Ryan’s dating a Mexican because he thinks the stench of the bean taco will drown out the scent of closeted gay.”
“Sarah likes to date Jews and Muslims, but it never works out. Because she’s a virgin and they won’t eat pig.”
Jeff Ross now roots for Sarah to get back up although it seems Ryan has knocked her down in this match. “Come on, Sarah. Get him!”
“Ryan owns a CBD clinic; Cuckold Baby Dick.”
The judges and audience pretty much unanimously give it to Ryan Nesen, who takes home another win.
Next up, Moses brings up Sarah Lawrence, who is battling Alice Hamilton. “Sarah, why are you battling Alice?” “I want to show her that her black life doesn’t matter.” Comedy Store Belly Room. The free speech zone part of the country. Moses now brings up Alice, who is battling Sarah because, “people don’t tell me that I’m white nearly as often as they should.” Sarah goes first!
“Alice once sold twelve of her eggs to put herself through college and unlike her ancestors, they were cage free.”
“Thank you, racist Hannah Gadsby. Last time Sarah saw something this black, it stabbed its way through Steve Irwin’s heart.”
“Thank you, Marlon Wayans in white face. Alice used to be very religious and went to church every week when she was younger… I guess that’s where she got used to letting white guys put whatever they want in her mouth.”
“Sarah you gangly, blond Australian coke whore. You’re like if Nicole Kidman worked the night shift at CVS.”
“Thank you, girl who looks like her only aspiration in life is to be a contestant on the Price is Right.”
Alice leans into this one and does an act out.
“Alice’s mum is so racist, that when Alice was born, the umbilical cord was around her neck.”
“Listen up, you fucking kangaroo. Sarah has had so many abortions, planned parenthood calls her the boomerang, ‘cause every time they toss her out that bitch comes right back.”
Our host says what is on all our minds. “That was your first time, Sarah? Fucking incredible.” Her first battle and she has the gonads to say that black lives don’t matter AND do a baby lynching joke? Go, Sarah.
This was such a flawless battle from both of them. The judges couldn’t speak highly enough about both of them and the audience ate them both up like green jello at a Senior Citizen’s cookout. “I didn’t know Roast Battle had a women’s volleyball team.” – Jeff Ross. Sarah Lawrence ultimately takes the win in a phenomenal battle but we will all be lucky if both of these comedians come back for more word wars.
In our next battle, Brian brings up Victor Martinez Junior and Russell Ells to the stage to face off. After some friendly backstory as to what is up between these two, Russell begins the match.
“I’m really excited to be battling my favorite comic: Roseanne Barrio. Victor was super high when he conceived his son. It was the only time he had the munchies and didn’t eat a cream pie.”
“Thank you, probably gay Iglesias. You don’t have any photos with your comic girlfriend which is how I know she’s funnier, also that beard is thinner than the one on your face.
“You’re actually a lot like my girlfriend. A twenty four year old comic with huge tits.”
“And mine are real, alright?”
“Good one, Pig Notaro.”
“Thank you, Benicio Del Taco.”
“Victors dad is a die hard trump supporter. He didn’t start hating Mexicans until after Victor was born.”
“You mentioned my son you both have a lot in common: you’re both half white half Mexican AND BOTH YOUR MOMS WANNA FUCK.”
“Good one, Margaret Cholo. I don’t know how Victor has ever been with a woman. His body is so gross, he can’t even make a burrito wet.”
“Russell looks like what I could be of I lost 100 pounds and my sense of humor.”
“As a Mexican, this made me want to tell everyone I’m Puerto Rican.”- Frank Castillo
Tony Hinchcliffe now joins the judges panel and nails what is happening up here: “It’s the battle of unearned confidence.”
After the judges comment on what they felt was a pie eating competition, the audience deems Russell the winner.
We are onto the last battle of the night and Brian Moses brings up Tom Whalen for his first main event.
“You’re battling Billy Anderson. Why are you doing this to him?” – Brian Moses
“Well, first all, I think he’s a great competitor and I respect him. Also, I was promised a pot of gold if I won.”
Billy is brought up second and Tom’s joke now makes more sense.
“You’re battling Tom Whalen. Why are you doing this?” -Brian Moses
“I’ve always wanted to battle someone that looks like he sells knives at a flea market.”
Tom offers to go first and the verbal destruction ensues.
“Billy is a really giving guy. His favorite gift to give is artisanal HPV.”
“That’s rich coming from someone that looks like he’s currently having an allergic reaction to consent.”
“Good one, Connor McPegger.”
“Thank you, Assistant manager at a Game Stop.”
Billy now attempts to get another word in and Tom cuts him off.
“It’s my joke, Billy. Don’t cheat, pal. Billy, you lesbian looking leprechaun. You look like you roofie girls with lucky charms.”
“And you look like you would roofie a girl if you didn’t get tired picking up the pill.”
“You look like you wear a helmet on a Segway.”
“Tom looks like he’s tried to vape out of his CPAP machine.”
This brings up the wave with special guest Jeff Ross.
“That was actually good, Special Ed Sheeran.”
So, here’s where the subject matter of parallel thinking comes up. When Billy battled Paige back in March of this year, Paige Wesley called Billy the same name.
“Guys, Billy didn’t graduate high school, but he does look like he went to film school to study cuckold porn.”
“You look like you rushed the fraternity Beta beta beta.”
And yet here we have another example of familiar territory. Back in December 2016, Jeff Sewing used the joke “Jay was in a frat in college. What was it called, Beta Beta Beta?” against Jay Light. Now, do I think either of these comics stole these jokes? No, I don’t. Personally, I’m shedding some light on how in need we are of a change of format for these jokes. Do I know how to do that? No, I don’t. I’m like getting your period when your long distance boyfriend comes to visit: I don’t bring solutions, only problems. Roast Battle is like any relationship you’ve been in for five years. You think to yourself, “have we run out of things to say to each other?”. We haven’t. You just have to bring a butt plug into the bedroom and all of a sudden, you’ll remember why you fell in love in the first place. I challenge any comedian reading this to be that butt plug. We continue.
“Tom looks like every time he cums, All star by smash mouth starts playing.”
“The only thing more embarrassing than getting raped by Billy is having consensual sex with Billy. I may be fat, but Billy here used to be fat. He had gastric bypass surgery. He hates it, because now he can only drink one gallon of cum again.”
“Just like your mom, you should ended with the one that came before that one.”
“Billy is from Seattle, which means he loves Pearl Jam. All over his chest.”
“With that backwards hat and half beard combo, Tom looks like a pedophile they caught at a Dave Matthews concert.”
“You look like you’d suck dick to meet Mumford and Sons.”
The judges unanimously give it to Billy, except for Tony who gives it to Tom because “He’s sweating bullets up here.” That was true, although it was difficult to tell if he was sweating more than usual.
There you have it, folks. Another night to remember. We’ll catch you next week, but if you absolutely can’t wait: you can always listen to the Roast Battle podcast every Thursday. See ya!