by Josh Waldron
The Roastmaster General’s old adage – “even when the battle is weird, it’s good” – rang true again Tuesday night. Whether it was Jeff Dye professing his love for animal jokes or Will Forte insulting and then defending his penis, we had a lot of wackiness in the Belly Room on Tuesday night. Rick Glassman picked fights with everyone. He sniped at Jeff for being handsome, Will for being successful and Brent for questioning his attempt at a joke. At one point there was awkward tension between Jeff and Rick that could be felt by everyone. It’d be fun if that resulted in a headliner battle between the two but Jeff would lose after turning it into an animal roast and Rick’s involvement would likely get the show canceled. Brent, still emotionally rocked from being kicked off NBC, seemed to be battling his own mental demons all night. No judge as ever looked as defeated as Mr. Morin did in the VIP. Still, the night’s battlers were stellar and they overcame the chaos brought upon the show by the judges. Kudos, battlers!
In the first undercard, Jose Trevizo (1-0, Unranked) dispatched Mario Mabe (0-1, Unranked)!
This was a great first battle of the evening! Mario Mabe sauntered to stage looking like “Born in a Ditch” Hedberg and Coach Tea played Jose to the stage with the Breaking Bad theme. They even had some decent pre-battle heat when Moses asked why they wanted to battle.
“He’s pretty creepy and smells like cat turds.” – Mario on Jose
“He’s like a Bruce Jenner wannabe without the tits.” – Jose on Mario
Mario’s joke was quickly shut down by Earl, but Jose might have dropped the best pre-battle zing I’ve heard in a long time. I was nervous that he might have wasted his best joke, but Jose had the right delivery and stage presence for the show, along with jokes that were on point.
JOSE ON MARIO
“Mario, you have the look of a big time Hollywood producer. Like the one that raped Corey Feldman.”
“When ever I sit through Mario Mabe’s jokes, I wish that sniper in Afghanistan didnt miss when he was trying to shoot me in the head.”
“Mario would have to actually die from cancer to ever be offered his own special.”
That last one is a shout out to to a cancer-ridden comedian whose special airs tonight at 10pm on HBO. It was a Jeff Dye favorite. Mario kept calling his opponent “Chorizo”. He echoed it a few times before his jokes, like he was about to rap or refer to Guy Fawkes night.
MARIO ON JOSE
“Jose Chorizo is so creepy that NAMBLA kicked him out for being too obvious.”
“Jose Chorizo and scrambled eggs is so creepy he dated a retarded girl and broke up with her when he found out she was smarter than him.”
“Jose Chorizo killed so many babies in Iraq, planned Parenthood offered him a job.”
Mario’s jokes got a little more than I thought they would, and the judges agreed. They all voted for Mario to win, to the bewilderment of everyone, but as we all know, their votes don’t matter in the undercard. The crowd rightfully sided with Jose.
In the second undercard, Robbie Kirkhuff (3-0, #32) outlasted Zane Pond (2-3, Unranked)!
Hot damn, this could be an Undercard of the Year nominee! It had a great start with Zane nearly fellating Moses. Brian deserves it, he works hard. Robbie came to the stage with a little less fanfare but was every bit as ready to roast as his counterpart.
ROBBIE ON ZANE
“Zane looks like a clown that turned gay on his way to go hunting.”
“Zane is so disgusting and so from Florida that his swamp ass has alligators swimming in it.”
“When Zane uses Grindr he doesn’t catfish dudes, he blackfishes them.”
Normally when I see Robbie, he’s in shorts, hosting an open mic in the front yard of a hippie-choked Silverlake commune. But look at him now. He’s in his comedy club pants and all grown up. The Blackfish joke is brilliant and hilarious. Zane, to his credit, turns in a helluva performance. His jokes were some of the best he’s had to date.
ZANE ON ROBBIE
“Robbie is just like a petting zoo animal: he smells like shit, sleeps outside, and gets off when little kids touch him.”
“Robbie paints his nails so when he looks at his dick, he can imagine a girl’s touching him.”
“Robbie is so cheap his dirty laundry doubles as his mattress.”
Every joke from both battlers seemed to move the Wave and ignite the crowd. Moses didn’t give us a choice on this one; he sent it straight to OT.
“Robbie likes his girls dirty which explains why most of them are homeless.”
“Look at him, Zane is so fat if he was at Auschwitz they would have to preheat the oven.”
Zane’s joke was okay. Robbie’s was a killer. It happens more often than not that a battler uncorks his best joke in an overtime that might not have been necessary if it was used in regulation – but Robbie steals the win the style.
In the third undercard, a special event, Rich Slaton (4-3, Unranked) rose from the Roast Battle dead to bury Frank Castillo (8-6, #11)!
You reach a certain point in Roast Battle where simply battling isn’t enough for you anymore. These two have a combined twenty-one battles between them so we knew we were in for a unique treat. The comparison has been made before and I’ll make it again here: the show is very close to professional wrestling. One of the best parts of pro wrestling? The entrances. Rich, pulling from his UFC background, came out with a few supporters that were wearing matching jiu jitsu uniforms. He also had fingerless gloves on and his jokes packed every bit of punch you’d expect from someone with those fighting accessories.
RICH ON FRANK
“Frank’s body is like dead grass: it’s ugly, brown and clearly neglected by a Mexican.”
“True story, Frank dated a girl who later became a man. She transitioned so she could finally get some good dick.”
“Frank has a white girlfriend who actually fucks him. It’s the first time an American took a job that was too degrading for immigrants.”
Frank showed his Mexican side for the first time and came out with a few drug dealers and some low-quality cocaine. Frank has always been one of the show’s best roasters and he showed it here.
FRANK ON RICH
“This is a tradition for Rich; in the Holocaust his grandfather was roasted by the Führer’s Club.”
“Rich looks like a gerbil and the guy whose ass it’s in.”
“Rich is a redneck Jew, which means his sister won’t fuck him until he becomes a doctor.”
All super smart, super mean and super specific to Rich. Moses went to the judges who found time in between bickering to ask that we go to OT for a second straight battle.
“Rich is so poor, his rape van is a rental.”
“Frank is so Mexican even his jokes don’t belong in this country.”
RIch finds himself in the perfect situation. Frank stumbles over his first joke and Rich capitalizes with a comeback. He had to have had that one prepared in case a joke of Frank’s faltered. Take note, future roasters. Rick Glassman offered to change his vote from Frank to Rich if Frank had another one he could use that might be better.
“Rich looks like he eats cream pies for the nutrition.”
That joke fails to sway the judges and causes Brent Morin to reveal something about his childhood.
“We all grew up with the ‘eating creampies’ joke.” – Brent
Yikes, dude. You went to Catholic school, didn’t you? Despite Frank’s fantastic performance with his first three jokes, he didn’t have enough firepower in overtime and Rich was victorious in his return.
In the Main Event and third straight overtime battle, Jeff Sewing (3-0-1, #24) pulled the magic carpet out from under Ramsey Badawi (2-1, #25)!
These two are great. They’re such good writers and roasters but their pre-battle zings were boring as fuck. They also had to compete against the drunken ramblings of Brent Morin and Rick Glassman.
They didn’t sound bitter at all that their show had just been canceled. At one point, the entire crowd chanted to Brent “NO ONE CARES!” after he rambled about his living situation. That’s the second time he’s had a negative chant directed at him while judging. Hell, even Moses turns on the duo a bit. Meyrowitz apologized to everyone for Rick’s apparent autism. Firing squad? More like fired squad. Fired from their NBC show and hopefully from ever judging again. Jeff Dye and Will Forte, our special guest on the panel, were fine judges. They had some good bits and actually judged the jokes and performances of the battlers. After the dust settled from Rick taking shots at everyone, the battle was pretty good.
JEFF ON RAMSEY
“You look like any cab driver fucked any Uber driver.”
“Ramsey told me he used to buy his pants in the women’s section, and he’ll always get his pussy from the kids section.”
“I can’t for the life of me decide whether you look more like Aladdin or his monkey.”
“You know what, it’s definitely the monkey because people should shoot you if you’re anywhere near a toddler.”
“The only thing that clears a room faster than Ramsey’s comedy is his unattended backpack.”
“Ramsey used to be a huge stoner, but then his girlfriend started behaving.”
RAMSEY ON JEFF
“Probably gonna skip the hug after the battle since I am a Muslim and I’m not allowed to touch pork.”
“Jeff you look like a Nazi who got kicked out for getting Cheeto dust all over his uniform.”
“Jeff you look like the poster boy for FarmersLonely.com.”
“Jeff’s a smoker. He doesn’t vape because, as you can tell by his body, he refuses to taste fruit.”
“Jeff moved to Hollywood to become a famous star. So far all he’s done is eaten Famous Stars from Carl’s Jr.”
“Jeff’s dad is an alcoholic, which explains why he’s got a dad bod and an abused by dad face.”
I really wonder what might have been if Ramsey and Jeff had a full complement of competent judges. It could have been an instant classic. In any event, Jeff took the first round and Ramsey took the second. Ramsey wasted his first joke on a specific comeback for Jeff’s first and it fell a little flat. Jeff’s second round touched on the Harambe situation but it doesn’t hit as much as you’d think a topical bit would. The third round consisted of haymaker after haymaker and the judges had it go to OT.
“Jeff’s dad is an alcoholic. His mom is a John Deere tractor.”
“Ramsey’s Palestinian and he’d go back home and fight the evil Israelis with his people, but unfortunately you must be this tall to fight a holy war.”
Ramsey’s joke is good but not good enough. Jeff also had the benefit of going last and that lends itself to victory. It allows you to stay fresh in the mind of the crowd and judges. It also helps to have a hilariously mean joke that could crush only your opponent. Game, Jeff.
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