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Wtf right? Here’s the thing. That’s Black Wendy(omg lol), Jeremiah Watkins and the Negro Wave. Ive been trying to find out info about the battle since I was not able to be there live. I asked the battlers. Asked Moses and Rell. “You see the pic of Jamar pissing onto Jeremiah?” was the one of the first things said. And…nothing about that sentence threw me off, I was just like “not yet”. If a picture says a 1000 words, this one just says “Negro Wave” 500 times. Judges love it. It looks as the Matt Braunger can’t even contain himself. This is why the Roast Battle will take over the world. A guy is fake pissing onto another guy and the whole room loves it. It is seriously one of the most electric shows i have ever been around.

Alright…enough poetic waxing..lets get to these reviews bruh. #LETSROAST.

The first battle I have info on is James Flores (1-0) versus Kath Barabadoro (0-1)!

EDITOR’S NOTE: The flame emoji scale will not be used. The writer was not present and he is the only true judge of the flame emoji scale.

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#Aww right? At the end of each battle we hug. So the best way to review, since I was not there, is to ask the battlers themselves. Real reporter style. I’ve been corresponding with Jake and Kath all morning about this battle and from what I hear…we all missed out. I love the frantic excitement I can read in their texts. And you’re like “you can’t get emotion from texts josh” and i’m all like “stfu”. They oversend. They exclaim. They heap praise upon each other and the opportunity to be on such a great show nonstop. It’s exciting to read. Here is Kath’s recap: 

“First round I won but it went to an audience tiebreaker as the panel was 2 and 2. Jake won the second round though I got a vote from the panel. He won the second round unanimously. I can give you some jokes I used. You are super handsome and a great writer.”-Kath Barbadoro, on Facebook this morning

I may have embellished part of that quote. Kath went on to say the she had to call out the audience for being maybe a little to hard on Jake and that the judges wanted her to be meaner. Make note, future roasters. Jake also had advice from Iliza about specificity. She didn’t like the fat jokes because they were general, but then he attacked her personally which make for the best roast jokes. Here are some of the best jokes they sent me. Refer to the pics for what they look like.

KATH AGAINST JAKE

“Jake Flores is what happens if you plant a garbage pail kid trading card in an empty pizza box and water it with PBR.”-Round 1

“Jake is the before picture in a juggalo makeup tutorial.”-Round 2

“Jake moved from Austin to New York to jumpstart his career, and it worked – now he’s a barback at a much more expensive bar”-Round 1

JAKE AGAINST KATH

“Kath’s pussy is so dry. How dry is it? Last time I ate it it got stuck to the roof of my mouth. So dry if you get it wet it turns into an astronaut’s lunch. So dry it has 15 minutes of alt comedy.”-Round 2 Barrage

"FINALLY an unfunny white feminist is doing stand up comedy”-Mega Comeback

“This is what happens when Kirby eats Lena dunham”-Round unknown

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Congrats to both battlers! Because just being a part of the battle is the only win that matters. Besides the one that Jake got and Kath didn’t, which are recorded at roastbattle.co. #plugcity. Anyway, both were awesome enough to help me and are clearly very funny. Please, follow Jake and Kath on twitter!

Are next battle knocked me down to 0-2 so far. Which is unacceptable. Moving on, we had Jon Huck (1-0) taking down Rich Slaton (3-2)!

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Then there’s this. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this one of five times Jon has ever danced. AND IT’S A VICTORY DANCE. The best part is the judges really seem to taking it in. From what I can tell, it was a close battle that swung on a huge comeback from Jon. Jon was kind enough to correct my last post of a few errors so let’s make sure we get em right this time. His name is Jon without an “H” and he has a new podcast coming up called “Hollywood Anonymous” which will be coming up on the All Things Comedy network. Here are some of Jon’s jokes, Rich has not gotten back to me as of the time of this writing.

JON W/O H ON RICH

“Rich looks like a can of biscuits gave birth to Drew Carey.“-round unknown

“For some reason Rich knows what my dick looks like?”-Mega Comeback, round unknown

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So Jon without an “H” won. Completing my night one SXSW goose egg. But I got a good feelin about me in round 2. Which feature some fantastic roasters! And the return of the Roastmaster General, fresh off the Roast of Justin Bieber, which airs March 30th on Comedy Central! He’ll be judging alongside Rell and a special guest judge!

First up is Roast Battle newcomers, Cody Hustak (0-0) against Liza Treyger (0-0)!

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Welp. Once again, don’t know either of these two. So we go to the Tweet-Off! I kind of dicked Jake last time on this, he called me out on it (rightfully) and I lost the pick. #karma. So this time, I scoured the tweets for some most faved.

“Now that I know you live with your gf I can tell you that I did pee down me leg on accident and my tights make me feel it extra wet.”[email protected]glittercheese, March 13th. 10 favs.

“Upgraded to first class and all it cost me was $15 and a trip to the army surplus store.”-@codyhustak, in like July or something. 5 favs. Not a prolific tweeter.

I like sports a lot. I like to pick those games. There’s a little something a like to call the Waldge Curse. If I pick you, you lose. It hasn’t really affected Roast Battle picks yet but I’m 0-2 in Texas from Cali. According to the SXSW web site, Cody won Funniest Person in Austin and both were New Faces at the Montreal Just for Laughs festival. I’ll go with Liza for the first contest.

Our next battle will be a doozy. Daily Show writer Jena Friedman (0-0) against #4 overall battler and friend of the Report, Jay Light (5-1)!

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TOUGH battle to pick. Jay is my buddy. I’ve seen his standup and he’s great. Watched him torch people on the Roast Battle stage. And destroyed him a bunch in Super Smash Bros. Jena? Very funny. Watched her stuff on the Tube. You should too! Also follow both of these awesome people on twitter. Girls are, I think, 10-2 overall against guys in Roast Battle history? But even though she has the stats backing her up, I gotta take my boy, Heavy Jay. Jay Light.

I am 10-6 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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