Ah, Fall! Is there a better time of year? A chill hits the air, everybody breaks out their sweaters, and the soothing warmth of Pumpkin Spice Everything fills our bellies. Hahaha just kidding, the fucking world is melting and it’s 100 degrees in October because God hates us all. Regardless, we’re bringing even more heat to the Belly Room tonight for another thrilling installment of Roast Battle.
Our judges’ panel tonight is a veritable who’s who of “Where are the famous people?” Josh Adam Meyers, the gravel-voiced creator of the Goddamn Comedy Jam, will be holding court, as will Eddie Ifft, whose last name looks like the phonetic spelling of a fart noise. Also, he has a podcast or something I think, and one time we talked about how Steve Bannon wants to execute all the Jews outside of Venice Underground. He’s cool. Rounding out the panel are a trio of Roast Battle favorites: everybody’s favorite nobodies, the Sklar Brothers, and our lord and insult savior Jeff Ross.
First up, Kevin McNamara takes on Jasmin Leigh!
Kevin was last seen letting his cocky attitude drag him dick-first into a verbal assassination at the hands of Jay Light. Jasmin was last seen yelling in a movie theater and ruining “It” for everybody. These are two of the biggest personalities in the under-card scene, but both have struggled with joke-writing consistency. This one has potential to either be the best or the worst fight of the night, and that’s always an interesting situation, so don’t miss it.
David Lucas makes his return to the arena against Chris Sneed!
Lucas has the performance record of a true powerhouse and the torso of a man who never left the Waffle House. With his loose, off-the-cuff delivery, he’s fast become a Tuesday night staple. He’s up against Chris Sneed, which I refuse to believe is not the name of a Dr. Seuss character. Can Chris command a Battle lead, or will Fat Dave make weak Sneed bleed?
Then we’ve got Lou Vahram throwing down with Armando Torres!
Despite looking like a poorly constructed Macy’s Parade float of the fat kid from “Modern Family”, Armando Torres has shown a definite potential in the Roast Battle ring. A veteran of the now-defunct Temecula show Roast Wars, Armando’s always a welcome addition to the show. He’ll be facing off against Lou Vahram. Lou is a fascinating character, in that he’s had some of the show’s highest highs and lowest lows, oftentimes within the same battle. When he gets flustered it’s an ugly mess, but when he locks in it’s pretty wonderful, and the crowd roots for him just about every time. This is my pick for fight of the night. Don’t let me down, you fucking dweebs.
Rounding out the night is a cross-country main event between Pat Barker and Albert Escobedo.
This is a strange one, to be sure. For anybody not familiar with the tale of Albert Escobedo, he cranked his way to an unprecedented 8-0 record a while back. However, many of these victories were over low-level opponents, and there were rumblings among some in the community that his illustrious record was a trophy forged in fool’s gold. Despite having since moved to Indiana for personal reasons, Albert still wants a shot to validate himself in the eyes of the Battle scene, so he’s going up against Pat Barker. Pat is widely regarded as one of, if not the, best battlers in the game. Win or lose, if Albert can keep his hands up and survive 3 rounds with Pat, his legacy will be pretty much undeniable. And if not, we get to watch Pat fuck a dude up real bad. Everybody wins!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.