Even when the show is bad it’s good. This hasn’t applied in a long time but this past Tuesday it rang as true as ever. Here’s Boon, flexing an impressive tricep and getting the crowd on their feet. Seriously, the judges requested that we get on our feet for her/him/it.
Aaaand here are those judges standing! Jeff Ross and Tom Rhodes are two of the greatest comedians to ever walk through the halls of the Comedy Store and they’re giving a standing O to a homeless person who lip-syncs Tina Turner every week. Poorly. I love this show and everything it stands for.
The real Ben Silver overcame Ron Bush in the first match!
This battle was a little better than it was given credit for in the moment. I believe the word Jeff Ross used was “terrible”. Ron’s intro went well. He played with the Negro Wave a bit and had a comeback for Earl Skakel when he came a-hatin’. But his jokes seemed like he just tried to throw a bunch of offensive buzzwords together.
RON ON BEN
“Ben is like Hilary Clinton. A predictable cunt with child-birthing hips.”
“Ben is like a bad rescue dog. Somebody should have gassed is worthless Jew ass a long time ago.”
Ben, of previously anonymous fame, landed two jokes with the crowd and had two absolute zeroes with the crowd.
BEN ON RON
“Ron has blown so many white guys that his apartment is known as Uncle Tom’s cabin.”
“Ron is in his forties. Coincidentally, that’s how many charges of statutory rape he’s facing.”
The crowd really wanted to laugh with these two because of likable stage personas. Ben sucked less, which is true no matter what since Ron is gay, and he left the stage a winner. Kinda.
In a real People’s Choice battle, Albert Escobedo was given the win against Caesar Lizardo!
I just realized I dissed Albert’s middle name and left Caesar’s fake one alone in the preview. Sorry Al! This battle was a disaster for Caesar. He started it off with a year-old NFL quote that didn’t make sense in the context of a Roast Battle intro. He checked his texts. He sniped at Earl for no reason. And his jokes? Mehhhhhhh.
CAESAR ON ALBERT
“You can tell by looking at Albert that he comes from a long line of Geico geckos.”
“Albert’s father was born in Mexico. His mother was hatched from an egg in Jurassic Park.”
These are essentially the same joke. The other two he told bombed horribly. I say two because he went out of his way to demand a fourth joke. Hey bro. Just let Moses handle the officiating. Albert had decent jokes at best but Caesar’s bravado handed Al the victory.
ALBERT ON CAESAR
“Caesar looks like Will Smith if Will Smith made a movie about being almost thirty and living with his parents called ‘I Am Loser’.”
“Caesar doesn’t want to get drunk or high before shows anymore because he always forgets his jokes. I think his mom learned the same lesson after the shitty material that she delivered.”
Albert might have lost to nearly anyone else but Caesar was so unlikable, in an undercard where the crowd votes if they like you, that for the first time, no one cheered for a battler. One person said “no” I think. So your default winner is Albert! Way to go bud!
?/???! The Poo scale is getting a lot of work these days.
In the third undercard, Thomas Kellogg was on stage and so was Bryan Lee Perkins!
“Hey, Moses. This is not going to be good.” – Ian Edwards, calling it
“This is like if Roast Battle was on Discovery Channel.” – Jeff Ross, calling it
“Hey, if there’s gonna be a second shooting then this guy’s the one.” – Earl Skakel, calling it
This is unprecedented. I never thought I’d see someone worse than Phenom Brown. Or the guys from San Diego a while back. Hell, Matt Lewis may have someone to look up to for the title of “Worst Battler Ever”. The older, wiser comedians in the room eventually started to encourage Thomas, if only to save lives. Here is what these two battlers thought were jokes.
BRYAN ON THOMAS
“Thomas Kellogg is such a douchebag. He looks like a single (inaudible), a pack of Kools and a high school letterman jacket came to life.”
“Thomas reminds me of Jax from Sons of Anarchy. He has a junkie ex-wife and I wish he’d get hit by a truck.”
THOMAS ON BRYAN
“Bryan Perkins is so fucking sad, with his sunken Gollum eyes, he looks like bkuokllonuyfvresqwa.” – I have no idea what he said after the Gollum reference
Thomas sexually assaulted a Mr. Potato Head doll.
I legit thought that Mr. Potato Head was a gun when I saw a bulge in Thomas’ letterman jacket. What did he letter in? Failure to appears? I like Bryan. I wish him luck in future endeavors. Thomas? Good luck to his children. Life’s gonna be an uphill battle. #thisisjustablog
????/???! Broke the Poo scale! I would type more ? but Tumblr has a character limit.
In the first entertaining battle of the evening, Jeff Sewing edged out Jonathan Rowell!
Holy hot shit did we need this battle. It totally cleansed the battle palate for the whole room. I believe the term Jeff Ross used was “fucking amazing”. It was easily one of the best battles we’ve ever had. The room really wanted to pop off and the joke quality allowed it. Noob Jonathan Rowell landed every single joke he used.
JONATHON ON JEFF
“Jeff looks like if someone bleached a gorilla and gave it a gift card to Old Navy.”
“Jeff, you look like what Chaz Bono was going for.”
“Jeff you look like the kind of guy who pays hookers to feed him pasta.”
“Jeff, you look like the youth pastor that turned me gay.”
Whoa. #thatshowyouroastbattle. Jeff was right when he called out the “economical use of words”. Brevity is the soul of roast and these two nailed it.
JEFF ON JONATHAN
“Jon’s lost a lot of weight but he’s still got those hips. He’s got the hips of a child-bearing mother and the face of a child-fucking uncle.”
“Jon identifies as half-mexican. The other half is this white guy who lies about his ethnicity for attention.”
“How many community theatre directors did you have to fuck before you started to look like one?
“Jon, you look like Jason Biggs if the pie gave him AIDS.”
If I’m being honest, Jonathan got robbed here. Jeff’s OT joke was phenomenal but he bombed his first joke of regulation. Jonathan was 4-4 before the extra round. Jeff Ross jumped to disallow extra rounds in battles prior but was enjoying the show too much to be able to make sure Jonathan got the win he deserved. Love you Jeff but you are a lucky duck for walking away with a draw.
????/???! Thanks again boys!
And the in the final battle of the evening, Keith Carey got a fight from Eric Hollerbach!
Special set of circumstances for this battle. Eric was here last week and brought great shame to the name Hollerbach. Nobody won in that battle except the crowd when it was over. I’ve seen people lose their battles and never set foot in the Comedy Store ever again. Eric spent thousands of dollars (I am unfamiliar with airline travel expenses) on a plane ticket to try to redeem himself. And to the shock of us all, he did.
ERIC ON KEITH
“Keith Carey is so ugly, he has to put a paper bag over his dick before he puts it through a glory hole.”
“Keith Carey’s been abused by so many stepdads, he can only cum if he’s told he throws a baseball like a queer.”
“Keith Carey is so ugly, the only way can get a girl wet is if he pees in her pussy.”
Boom! Way to go dude. Never mind that your first two jokes bombed hard. If they ain’t here, they didn’t exist. Keith would later admit to me there was a split-second he was sweating from fear he might lose. That’s metaphorical sweat. I’m convinced Keith hasn’t stopped literally sweating since 1994. And in the end he proved to be too much for Eric.
KEITH ON ERIC
“Eric’s parents are divorced. He’s the only comic shitty enough to walk an audience and a father.”
“Eric, those are strong words from someone who looks like they were dishonorable discharged from the Salvation Army.”
“Eric is from New Orleans and he’s a lot like the levies during Katrina; broke and failing.”
What a nice story.
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
“Hey, Moses. This is not going to be good.” – Ian Edwards
“Jon, you look like Jason Biggs if the pie gave him AIDS.” – Jeff Sewing on Jonathon Rowell
“Jeff you look like the kind of guy who pays hookers to feed him pasta.” – Jonathon on Jeff
“Keith Carey is so ugly, the only way can get a girl wet is if he pees in her pussy.” – Eric Hollerbach on Keith
“Eric is from New Orleans and he’s a lot like the levies during Katrina; broke and failing.” – Keith on Eric
I am 81-48 in picks and my new tourney bracket is dunzo. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.